Archive
Bumpkin Vanishes Here: May Be Victim of Kidnappers
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
CAPITAL CITY, LANKVILLE, June 10– Jackie Keys, a bumpkin, 63 years old, and successful owner of Keys’ Newspaper and Beer Hut in Northern Lankville, has been missing since Monday afternoon, when he checked out of the El Patio Motel here and left no word of his plans.
Lankville police and The Lankville Bureau of Probes have been searching hospitals, hotels, bus stations, and highway median strips for the missing man. Because he is a wealthier bumpkin, it is feared by some that he may have been kidnapped.
“It is very easy to lure a bumpkin,” noted Detective Houston Gee-Temple, who is spearheading the search. “The bumpkin believes any and all promises, particularly if little objects that light up are proffered. They can also be susceptible to things that appear to be rather ordinary but then are revealed to have a second unexpected feature such as, say, a pencil that also has a clock in it.”
Mysterious Phone Call
A mysterious phone call to the Bureau of Probes last night by a person in the Southern Desert Area who represented himself as a bumpkin relative of Keys, has further complicated the case.
“We are inclined to view that phone call as a ruse,” said Gee-Temple, who was interviewed while staring at a pencil that also had a clock in it. “It may have been the kidnappers, attempting to establish communication with the bumpkin Keys’ family with a view to ransom. Unfortunately, they hung up before we could ascertain anything further.”
Bumpkin relatives have been notified and are attempting to take part in the search.
Pays Bill and Leaves
Last known image of Keys is this secret hidden surveillance photo from his room at the El Patio Motel.
Employees of the El Patio Motel were quizzed last night as part of the investigation. Nothing unusual was reported.
“He paid his bill and then he left,” said the counterman, who asked not to be identified. “He left the room in alright condition, although the teevee never has worked well since.”
When he left the El Patio Motel, Mr. Keys was described as wearing a “loud outfit of shorts and a sleeveless jersey”. He carried no luggage but had some clothes stuffed into a plastic grocery bag.
Gee-Temple believes it may be possible that Keys is wandering about the city.
“Bumpkins tend to get confused by a lot of buildings. Sometimes, it can be problematic for them to find their way out,” the intrepid lawman noted.
The search continues today.
Employee Printing Out an Awful Lot of Lion Pictures
Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
An employee in the Barlow Foods offices in Lankville City has been printing out an awful lot of lion pictures, co-workers are confirming.
The employee was identified as Kelley Pauses, 54, of North Suburban Lankville.
“I’ve been noticing an awful lot of printing being done recently, we’ve been going through a lot of toner,” noted Administrative Assistant Henrietta Schropp. “I’ve been keeping an eye on the queue, and I keep seeing print jobs with weird titles like “Thirsty Cubs”, “Sunning on the Savanna”, “Danger in the Long Grass”– that kind of thing.”
“We’ve counted over 500 lion pictures in the last two weeks alone,” Schropp added.
One of the lion pictures seized this morning.
“I saw [Kelley] closing her drawer really quickly one day and I happened to notice it was stuffed full of lion pictures. I found it very curious,” noted co-worker Lance Parrisher, who later disappeared. “I think she disposed of a lot of files to make room for the [lion] pictures.”
Pauses refused to comment. Her lion pictures were seized this morning and she was sent home early.
“I guess it would be understandable if she had a child that was, say, making a poster for school about lions,” opined Parrisher. “But, she’s barren. I remember because we were all eating cake when she told us.”
“I think she lives alone,” Schropp noted.
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow, reached by phone, stated that he did not yet have enough information to comment.
“I’ll need to know a little more about these lion pictures,” Barlow stated. “We’ll be keeping an eye on the incident.”
I Want to Tell You About How Me and My New Boyfriend Broke Up
Ashley Pfeiffers
Yesterday, my new boyfriend and I were standing under the overpass. He was spray-painting the word “BAD” in big bubble letters on one of the pillars.
I thought he was going to kiss me at first. He came over and put his hands on my shoulders. And then he was like, “Ash, this is it. I can’t do this anymore.”
I AM SO DEPRESSED.
I asked why and he said that I wasn’t really into spray-paint culture and skateboarding. “But, I am, you’ve made me love it,” I said. I was crying. I couldn’t even see through the tears and I had a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was like there was a field of beautiful butterflies and then they all suddenly died.
“Ash, I need to focus on my career, you know?” my ex-boyfriend said. “The next guy that gets you, Ash. He’s going to be such a lucky guy.”
He touched my cheek and I looked into his eyes. Then, he gathered up his spray paints and skated off.
It started to rain.
Mom picked me up in front of the Decorative Ham factory. She didn’t say anything for a long time. Then she said, “I can only imagine how hurt you must feel…”
And I said, “NO, MOM, YOU CAN’T!” and I started crying against the window. She didn’t say anything for a long time after that and then she said, “take out your nose ring, honey, we’re going into the crafts store to pick up some glitter for your sister’s school project.”
OH MY GOD, I AM SO SAD.
I told Mom I would wait in the car. She touched my hair for a minute, then she took off towards the Craft Barn. I took out my pink notebook and started writing. That helped a little bit but then it just seemed like I was writing forever, that I didn’t even know what to write anymore and then Mom came back and gave me a pack of googly eyes.
“You used to laugh so much at these,” she said.
“When I was five years old,” I snapped back.
We started home. When we passed the Pizza A’Round, I started crying again. “That was our place,” I said.
“Really!!??” Mom responded. “I always thought that place was…” She stopped herself.
I went straight up to my room when I got home. I just cried and cried and cried into my pink stuffed penguin.
I AM DEVASTATED.
Are Oscillating Fans Safe? A Zach Keebaugh Investigation
Zachary Keebaugh
It’s getting hot in Lankville and you’re probably thinking about dragging that old oscillating fan down from the attic, setting it up on a chair and letting it go to town. But are they safe? I aimed to find out. I am Zach Keebaugh, Investigative Reporter.
Wunderkind inventor Danny Madison laughed at the idea. “The traditional three-speed oscillating fan with the alleged “safety grill” (here Madison employed the use of ironic air quotes), 90-degree oscillation and adjustable tilt is, more or less, a dinosaur. At Danny Madison Industries, we no longer make them. Let me show your our version of the fan.”
Madison led me past a series of glass cases where strange products beeped and buzzed. We entered a windowless white room. Lights flicked on instantly at our appearance. “Yo, that’s cool,” I commented. “Like, magic lights and shit.” Madison eyed me up for a minute, then he led me over to a small device on a table.
“This is our version of the fan. Note, we don’t even use the word “fan”. We use the name “Air Augmenter”.”
Madison gave me a few moments to let it sink in.
“The Madison Air Augmenter collects air from one area and transfers it to another area, if you will,” Madison continued. “While this may seem like an obvious extension of vacuum motor science, the Madison Air Augmenter takes that collected air, filters it, and redistributes it as “Breeze Cubes”. Ours is the only product that can achieve this complex transformation.”
“Yo, you mean, the air comes out in big cubes?” I asked.
Fifty years ago called. They want their oscillating fan back.
“In a sense,” Madison replied, as he removed a calculator from his jeans jacket and began to program a series of equations. “We also have successfully marketed an organic non-carcinogenic, non-toxic florescent dye that can be placed in the Air Augmenter. This allows the user to actually view the released breeze cubes with the naked eye. You can literally watch the cubes collect in your room.”
“So, your overheated shitbox of an apartment becomes like a cool wind rustling over the savanna?” I asked. Madison furrowed his brow.
In addition to all these awesome features, the Madison Air Augmenter requires no messy cleanup. No trying to wash out that big dented alien head of a grill in your bathtub while watching some challenge in the alley behind the knives and puzzles shop.
“The Air Augmenter needs no protective cover,” Madison said. He was back to the calculator again– punching a bunch of shit in there. “You don’t even need to wipe it down– it cleans itself. Sprays a fine mist on itself on a daily basis. Another feature that separates us from the so-called “oscillating fan” concerns. Also, the fan can be programmed via your “Reckoner”– another fine Danny Madison product.”
“So, you’re out working at the toy store or waiting for some bozo to finish up a steak sandwich and you can use your little calculator there to fill up your room with those cubes,” I commented. “You come home and BAM, you got yourself a room full of cubes.”
“Essentially,” Madison responded. He was staring at me again.
The Madison Air Augmenter retails for $199.99 and recently received an “A Safety Rating” from the Lankville Bureau of Probes.
The Small Towns of Lankville
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
Lloyd Byas-Kirk recently won a large, unwieldy trophy with several distinct layers supported by columns for his series on the small towns of Lankville.
One passes through a verdant dell, a gigantic graveyard and an abandoned cake refinery before arrival in the town of “Curtberg”, located in the Eastern Lankville Mountainous Regions. There is a gas station, a handsome restaurant named after a former Lankville President, some houses and some cars. It is a place where a man can sit outside and ruminate over the morning sun coruscating brilliantly off the rooftops, it is a place for peace but also a place for guns, it is a place that holds Lankville tradition deep to its breasts [sic].
Harry Solids is the “mayor” of Curtberg. “Well, I was not officially elected,” he says, as he we stand in front of the post office for reasons unclear. “But, I act as the sort of person that sits on floats and accepts medals and other ceremonial geegaws. And, when there is dissent, I’m the person that gets the beating. I accept that. It’s part of the job.”
Main Street, Curtberg
Glenn Chowder has lived here for as long as he can remember. He works at the gas station, in the belt department. “This is a good town full of good people. We don’t cater much to interlopers,” he notes, as he consumes his meal (the meal of the Lankvillian– a hot dog and some raisins) in the grass behind the gas station. “We try to keep the town clean of nonsense.”
People like to look out windows in Curtberg. “We like to see what’s going on,” said resident Debbie Didier. “Like to see if the fence is holding up, if the garbage cans are on their paving stones at a proper angle, that the lids are on straight. It’s the little things that are important here,” Didier added.
Although the sun makes its radiant appearance in the early morning, it rains often here. A pounding, vigorous rain that leaves everything soppy and moist. “We’re all pretty much half-wet all the time,” Solids noted, as we moved along Main Street, passing in and out of a series of clashing storms. “You buy, say, a 24-pack of beer from the liquor store and the cardboard container is sodden before you get it out the door. You know how cardboard just kind of breaks down and turns real floppy? Just flops all over the place, you can’t control it, why try? And then it lands in the street and all the cans roll down the hill. That happens pretty frequently, everyday in fact. And I buy the big cans. The cans with the new “vast cavity” for more accessible drinking. Have you seen those?”
“I don’t drink,” I admitted.
Solids looked off towards the mountains. “Well, anyway, a bunch of my cans are at the bottom of the hill. They throw some straw over them and that’s that.”
“Terminus,” he added, after a long pause.
Pastor Glenn Laboy runs the town’s church. “I give a Sunday sermon and we have some little room sessions where people talk about life issues that are bothering them– work problems, the ceaseless rain, how hard it is to get anybody to put out for you anymore. I don’t judge, I listen. My job is to listen.”
“Shall we read a passage together in celebration of your article?”
Byas-Kirk immediately ran out of the church. The article will be continued at a later date.
Challenge Ring Busted Top Cop Says
Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A massive Southern Outlands challenge ring was busted this morning according to Lankville top cop Houston Gee-Temple.
“We had a young man and woman, operating out of a modest rancher surrounded by hedges,” the intrepid lawman noted at a press conference held on the lawn of the home. “We believe that they were the masterminds behind most of the challenges in the Southern and Southeastern Outlands. We have boarded up the home and will be knocking down some of the hedges by the end of the day.”
Byrnes and Savers are led away.
An aide whispered something briefly to Gee-Temple at which time the detective amended, “we will not be knocking down the hedges, excuse me.”
The individuals taken into custody are believed to be Lance Byrnes and Diane Savers, both 18, of the Outlands.
“I knew Lance. He was an Honor Roll Student and a junior member of the Koala Bears and Walnuts Club,” Gee-Temple commented. “We believe that this Savers woman was the instigator– a willing wanton, a sordid she-wolf, if you will. She was a girl who was willing to do anything to get what she wanted. What we have here really is the provocative story of a naive young man caught up in a whirlpool of thunder, a hurricane of lust. It’s terrible when that happens to nice boys like Lance.”
The pair may be responsible for as many as 200 challenges dating back to 2011.
“[Diane] began her challenge spree confidently but it all came crashing down this morning when we knocked politely at her door and took her off to a place where she can no longer control the world by pulling her curves over its spherical surface,” Gee-Temple stated.
“That place is jail,” the detective added after a long silence.
Bail has been set at $50,000 (Lankville).
Oversized Beach Ball Accident Season Fast Approaching
By Brock Belvedere
NEWS YOU CAN USE
Summer is almost here in Lankville– a wonderful time of backyard cookouts, swimming, watermelon and boats. But it can also be a dangerous time and the season’s biggest killer might surprise you.
“It’s oversized beach balls,” stated Lankville Consumer Vulnerability Clump chairman Ump Marstons. “That’s what it is.”
Marstons refused to elaborate and became distracted by a series of internet photos of kittens in boxes.
This could be you.
According to the Lankville Consumer Vulnerability Clump, hundreds of Lankvillians are injured by oversized beach balls every year. Detective Houston Gee-Temple, however, believes the figure may be high.
“You have some incidents where women are lying about on patio chaise lounges, allowing the sun to cascade off their summer-firm haunches and then, BAM, they get hit by oversized beach balls, but I’m not sure it’s worth a story, Brock,” the intrepid lawman noted. “I monitor beaches, patios, yards and I have seen very few over the last few years.”
The LCVC however, disagrees, and have already begun littering Lankville with cautionary signs and billboards.
“It’s a serious issue. A serious, serious issue,” said Marstons, who became distracted again by a slideshow of kittens wearing little hats. “You’ve gotta’ watch out out there.”
The first day of summer is June 21st.
Schropp Keynote Speaker at “Bowls of Meat Festival”
Jackie Sheds, Jr.
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES
Lankville Daily News contributor Brian Schropp was the keynote speaker yesterday at the 1st Annual Lankville Suburban “Bowls of Meat Festival”. The event drew nearly 10,000 suburban Lankvillians.
“It was a great success and a big part of that was Brian,” noted organizer Natalie Sisters-Solutions. “Even though Brian’s speech didn’t make a lot of sense and even though he started crying all of a sudden for reasons unclear, people just liked seeing him. We all know that people who write for The Lankville Daily News are kind of a big deal.”
The event featured over 1,500 different bowls of meat spanning a wide-range of Lankville culinary traditions.
Schropp sits before the bowls of meat.
“I thought it was fantastic,” said an attendee, who was later carried off by hawks. “There were even bowls that appeared at first glance to be vegetables or some sort of weird seaweed thing or soup but once you pushed that junk aside, you saw it was just a big pile of meat underneath. I loved it.”
Schropp was pleased with the event.
“There were definitely some types of meat that I was unfamiliar with, some things that don’t really jive with my enhanced taste profile but otherwise I enjoyed myself tremendously. As I say, you should always keep your mouths [sic] open to new experiences.”
Schropp noted that he prepared his speech while riding a bus home from a urology appointment.
“Some good ideas were flowing but I didn’t have any paper with me, so I just wrote the ideas on my leg. Fortunately, I was wearing jean shorts that day, so I had a lot of space.”
Sisters-Solutions says that a 2nd festival is already in the works.
“We hope there will be more meat, more Brian, more bowls, more celebrations,” she noted.
Jeepers Creepers, When Did He Get Mr. Peepers?: Pondicherry Has New Dog
By Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
There’s a new tenant at the Presidential Palace these days. President Pondicherry announced today that he has acquired a new dog.
President Pondicherry has a new dog!
“His name is Mr. Peepers,” the chief executive noted. “He’s yellow.”
Pondicherry has already distributed numerous photos of the “First Dog” and has asked Lankvillians to send him their thoughts on Mr. Peepers.
“Tell me what you think about him. Send him beautiful roses. Be poetic. If I like your response, who knows? Perhaps I’ll appear in your stairwell,” noted Pondicherry, in an online post.
Mr. Peepers is Pondicherry’s third dog since becoming President.
“The other two were also called Mr. Peepers. It’s a favorite name of mine,” he stated. “I am really blessed to lead our country during a period of great consequence.”
Pondicherry refused to answer further questions and ended the press conference early.
Is Rubber Mulch Safe? A Zach Keebaugh Investigation
By Zachary Keebaugh
The public playground in the Central Lankville Showy Suburban Area has everything a kid could want. You got swings, a helicopter, some ropes, a little barn. But it’s got something else too. A surface made of rubber mulch. That’s right– rubber mulch.
IS IT SAFE?
Van Griese, a local contractor, laid the rubber mulch himself. “It’s the latest in safety surfacing,” he told me, as we walked slowly together by a lake. “You got shredded rubber from old tires and when the kiddies fall over, it’s more pillowy than say, some mulch or some rocks, god forbid.”
I stopped him.
“Is it safe?” I probed.
“Of course, it’s safe. Why wouldn’t it be?”
“Don’t know, man. I heard there might be some chemicals in there, some shit that gets all whacked when it gets hot. Vapors, man. Volatile substances.”
Griese just stared at me. He was clearly unnerved.
ARE KIDS EATING THE SHIT?
Fun Playground….or HELL?
Lisa Adiron-Chairs is a mother of two. “I really struggled to keep my daughter from putting the tire crumbs in her mouth. Plus, they would come back from the park just covered in black. Skin, clothes, everything. I just thought, this can’t be healthy.”
“Yo, it’s just cut-up tires. So what if they eat a few tires over the course of a lifetime? You don’t even want to know the shit I’ve eaten,” I remarked.
“But we know they put chemicals in tires. We have to take responsibility as parents to limit the health risks. We need more information.”
MIXED MESSAGES FROM PONDICHERRY
The Lankville government, however, is sending parents mixed messages about this rubber mulch junk.
“We have done several dozen studies and found no negative health risks,” noted government toxicologist Lando Curry.
“Don’t give me that weak-ass shit,” I countered. “Your studies are limited and insufficient to establish conclusively that rubber mulch surfaces are safe.”
“Look, the Agency for Lankville Woods and Copses acknowledges that more studies need to be made but all of our product safety agencies recommend and promote rubber mulch. And the Lankville Playground Layout Subcommittee wholeheartedly endorses rubber mulch– why, we even have a rubber mulch playground at the Presidential Palace.”
“Sounds like you got a lot of important committees. Be a shame if anything happened to any of them,” I noted, trying to sound as gangster as possible.
“Are you threatening the government?” Curry countered.
I backed down right away. I don’t want to get that god damn rap pinned on me.
INDEPENDENT INVESTIGATION
This reporter decided to go undercover. I talked my way into an Eastern Lankville rubber manufacturer and snagged an interview with salesman William Head.
“I want to buy a lot of rubber mulch to put on playgrounds,” I said. “I want the cheapest tires you got. Long as they’re safe. Are they safe?”
“They are,” said Head. I kept staring at his little nametag. “William Head”. Christ, I was having a hard time not laughing. Also, I was high.
“So, there’s no carcinogenic chemicals in there, right?”
Finally, Head admitted that there were a couple of poisons in there but they were so minimal as to pose no risk.
“You’ve got some things that cause cancer, but you’re not going to be sleeping every night on these surfaces,” he said.
“How do you know? Maybe that’s what I had in mind,” I countered. He shut up for a bit then.
NEW FINDINGS NEEDED
Rubber mulch or no rubber mulch, it seems that new findings are needed.
“Of course, we will carefully review all new findings,” said Curry. “Our highest priority is protecting the public. However, we do not plan to commission further studies because we do not view rubber mulch as an issue at this time.”
For now, concerned mothers like Lisa Adiron-Chairs will have to take their kids elsewhere.
“They play in a field now,” she noted. “As long as the government isn’t going to be sure about these tires, they’ll just have to play in a field.”
Zach Keebaugh won a trophy for this report.
Shake Brought
By Dennis Updatables
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A shake was brought, sources are confirming.
“Yes, the lady brought my shake,” said Miranda Jennifers, age 11. “I…well, we…”
“We’re just having a leisurely lunch here at Mr. Snack,” interjected Cindy Jennifers, Miranda’s mom. “Just taking it easy with a couple of shakes. There’s nothing to report here. Go ahead, move on.”
Mr. Snack waitress Amanda Linda was confirmed as having brought the shake.
“Yes, I brought it to table number 11. It was strawberry. I…”
Linda sank into a period of confusion and the interview was ended prematurely.
Mr. Snack offers a selection of ten shakes.
“Sure, we can bring you any one of ten shakes,” noted manager Glenn Crispin, who was interviewed while overseeing the making of several shakes. “It’s a popular…snack…here at Mr. Snack. We sell…a lot of snacks. I mean, shakes. Shakes and snacks.”
The shake that was brought.
Crispin indicated that several further shakes would probably be served today.
“I…would imagine,” he said, before looking off into the distance.
Phone calls to Mr. Snack corporate headquarters were not returned.
The Jennifers family did not order any other shakes and left shortly thereafter.
Pageant to Give Area Girls a Chance to Shine
By Bernie Keebler
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
An area “dream pageant” is giving some local girls a chance to shine.
The pageant, sponsored by Lankville business magnate Ric Royer, will feature folk dances, patriotic displays, choral works and a fire. Refreshments will be served.
“Rather than sponsor, I would prefer to be called “an encourager”,” Royer corrected. “The intent here is to braid pleasure with the abject, spike it with light buffoonery and to entertain, amaze and delight everyone,” added Royer, who was interviewed in the median strip of a busy thoroughfare. “There will be a piano…”
Royer suddenly became distracted by a baby being wheeled by in a stroller. “We don’t have any babies in the show,” he whispered faintly.
Some of the pageant participants include Lankville Daily News contributor Catrin Lloyd-Bollard, Emma Reaves and Caitlin Beeb.
The lovely ladies of the pageant: (L to R): Emma Reaves, Caitlin Beeb, Catrin Lloyd-Bollard. Encourager Royer at back.
“We’re already busy preparing our routines, buying outfits for the pageant, and trying to control the deep waves of panic and otherworldly terror that generally come with living in Lankville,” noted Lloyd-Bollard, who enjoys snow-skiing, the mall and the color purple.
“We hope that this pageant brings people together and also brings awareness of all the ethnics that live out in the desert,” noted Beeb, who is a member of the Mall Fashion Forecast Team and also enjoys water swimming, floral arranging, and yarn.
Royer says that the preliminary competition will begin this summer with the final crowning in October.
“We’re still raising funds,” the enigmatic executive noted. “I’ve personally sold some of my Illuminated Christmas Village pieces– just the ones that I had 10 or 11 examples of and just the ones that were in slightly lesser condition. Nevertheless, we are well on our way.”
To donate to the pageant, one can access the individual digital network station: http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/miss-chthonic-star-dream-pageant.
“Do it now,” encouraged Royer, who was still standing mindlessly in the median strip. “Do it before you go outside again. There is no reason not to.”
Lankville Sit-Ins Target Pondicherry
Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville President Pondicherry is the target of a new political ploy: statehouse sit-ins.
Four groups, disappointed at Pondicherry’s alleged lack of action on recent issues, have held sit-ins this week in his modern reception room.
First, it was the Anti-Challenge League, protesting the rise of challenges in Lankville. Next, it was the United Vitiello Decorative Ham Managers, upset with recent debates over raising the minimum wage. Yesterday, it was the Parents of Bumpkins Union, asking for higher staffing in local schools. And today, Lankville Daily News contributor Dr. David Hadbawnik staged a sit-in for gourd awareness.
President Pondicherry is getting mixed reviews.
No group has come away with any major concessions but the parade of protesters continue.
Wanda Barn, one of the President’s receptionists (rated only a 2 of 10 by our staff but who I personally think is banging it out like some sort of smoking angel bomb dropped on the village that is my freak) has a casual attitude about the protesters now.
“It doesn’t even bother me anymore,” she said, sitting at her big desk in the corner of the reception room and filling out that pair of pleated cargo capris like a god damn champ. “Everybody gets their turn.”
Pondicherry usually meets with the groups after they have waited for most of the day. He says he doesn’t encourage sit-ins.
“It’s a phenomenon of our times. The institutions which shape our lives are not as trusted as they were in the past,” the President noted. “I have absolutely no philosophical or political thoughts on why this is– I have not spent very much time thinking about philosophy or politics.”
Once Pondicherry emerges and talks with the protesters, he gets mixed reviews.
“We thought he was a myth,” noted Pam Tucks of the Anti-Challenge League. “But we found out he wasn’t.”
“He gave me no satisfaction whatsoever,” said Hadbawnik. “He wouldn’t even look at my gourds.”
Ms. Barn says that the protesters often leave quite a mess.
“Pamphlets, decorative hams, gourds, some of the bumpkin children have pulled down the floor-to-ceiling drapes– we have the cleaners come in after each sit-in,” Barn noted.
“Where do I get that job?” I joked. “Chance to gape at such pulchritude while cleaning– doesn’t even sound like a job to me,” I added. “Sounds like heaven. Too much space between your lips and mine.” I gyrated lewdly.
Ms. Barn became embarrassed and the interview was ended prematurely.
Further sit-ins are expected tomorrow.
Barlow Foods Ranks Best in Entire World for Reputation, Poll Says
By Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Barlow Foods has a better reputation than any company in the entire world, according to a new poll.
The grocery chain tops a list of the 50 most visible companies in the Meulens-LaPoint 19th Annual Reputation Quotient Study. It beat out such giants as Danny Madison Technologies, Grebov Brothers Telescopes and Vitiello Decorative Hams to secure the top spot.
“These figures merely support what we’ve always believed,” said owner and CEO John Barlow. “That we are better than everyone else in the world. Why go through the charade of false modesty? Why even go through the charade of a Quotient Study? Why present me with this Quotient Study trophy?”
Barlow tossed the Quotient Study and the trophy out a nearby open window.
“We are the best in the world because we don’t stop to leer at trophies,” Barlow noted.
We are the best in the world because we don’t stop to leer at trophies.”
The study evaluated data from over 38,000,000 respondents. Perceptions of company products and services, financial performances, workplace safety, social responsibility and emotional appeal were all considered.
Barlow Foods earned a score of 87.6.
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.
“A score above 80 is considered excellent,” noted Quotient Study founder and business analyst Cheryl Meulens (rated about a 4 of 10 by this author– 5 of 10 with a better haircut). “It’s an extraordinary accomplishment for Barlow Foods, particularly when you look at the companies that have been legendary for their customer service– like, say, Vitiello Hams. It shows how Barlow Foods has an international reputation as well. I think they have a store in one of the islands somewhere.”
“I like Barlow Foods,” noted local resident Kovin Burry. “I like their frozen pizzas and their yogurt is generally better than the name brands. I like their shampoo. It’s also better than the name brands. The cheeses are good. A small bunch of kale is 2.69, which comes out to almost seven dollars a pound. Sometimes the aisles are congested but I’d still say it’s excellent.”
Burry was later shoved into a windowless van and driven off.
“This changes nothing,” Barlow stated later. “We will continue our mission to the end. No matter what happens, no matter what the future holds.”
“We will remain open…forever,” Barlow added after a long pause.
A press conference is expected later today.
Royer Buys Box of Puppies
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Notable Lankville business magnate Ric Royer has purchased a box of puppies, sources are confirming.
Royer: Puppy Daddy
“Yes, it’s true, I have purchased the puppies,” noted Royer, who was interviewed in his Lankville High Hills home. “The dew of the light bathes all of our souls in perfume and the lambent flame brings us the continuity of consciousness. Now, let’s open the box of puppies.”
Royer tore open the box and seven puppies were seen to suddenly dart under some nearby furniture.
“What a light!” the executive exclaimed. “The rays consume me!”
The puppies are believed to have been purchased from an Outlands farm. Phone calls have not been returned.
“It’s very difficult to be alone in a fourfold dimensional world, possessing the Double Wand of Power (interviewees capitals) as I do,” Royer later stated. “These puppies will help me focus, keep me company and, later, as they grow older, they will be able to scare off or even eat intruders.”
“Now the mystery is done,” Royer added after a long period of eerie silence.
A press conference is expected later today.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK