The Small Towns of Lankville

January 6, 2015 Leave a comment
By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

A LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES! “SPECIAL REPORT”.

New River in the Southeastern corner of Lankville is comprised of a sleepy main street, some hills, a luncheon counter, an aging theater and two fast food establishments. There is a lovely, weedy park with a really big giant anchor memorializing the ten thousand New Riverians killed during the War of the Depths. The Lankville Southern Mountain chain is visible far off in the distance.

People in New River speak in clipped, short sentences. They are good people, people initially bound to the soil, freed only recently by the steamroller of modern commerce. “I farmed for 45 years,” noted an old-timer who refused to be identified. “Then, they came along in a car and one guy yelled out STOP IT! and that was that.”

The old-timer paused to spit into the dust. It grew darker.

The famous really big anchor of New River.

The famous really giant big anchor of New River.

For many years, New River was the famous home of the Great Bewildering Blimp of the Home Country, a tremendous dirigible airship that was once the apple of Lankville’s eye. “After awhile, people lost interest,” noted aviation historian Andre Thornton, who possesses many books and videotapes on the subject. “The thing was kind of ponderous as it went up into the sky at a speed of about five miles an hour and passed weirdly over the landscape like some sort of outlandish air teat. It was terrifying. And so they eventually threw it into the Old River. And then that caused a lot of problems with flooding and drainage and so forth, so then they blew up the old river and built a new river, hence the name of our town.”

Thornton smiled idiotically so we punched him in the neck. The interview ended prematurely.

Famous celebrity Randy Pendleton was born in New River. The town erected an enormous sign a few years back. “Randy is obviously one of the greatest human beings of all-time, so for him to be born here, in a modest house in an alley, is a great honor,” noted resident Von Hayes, who is known as the “unofficial” mayor of New River. “Randy’s ascent to stardom is even more amazing when you think of how he is the offspring of simple people of the dirt, cast down off the Plains of Lankville into our towns like vermin down a watery slide,” added Hayes.

The Loamy Theater was built in 1932 and is nestled on the main drag between a closed storefront and a closed storefront. We were invited to a showing of a recent documentary on famous New Riverian Pendleton. Although we missed 2/3 of the film (because of candy), it was a marvelous display of affection from Pendleton’s relatives, friends and local lovers. “We’ve been showing “Dandy Randy” for over a year,” noted theater operator Tobias Harrah. “It’s been great for the town.”

Spillner's Luncheon Counter

Spillner’s Luncheon Counter

The early movie throng make their way slowly over to Spillner’s– the venerable luncheon counter. Sporting a darkened main eating area decorated with empty (but lighted) aquariums, Spillner’s has been serving New Riverians for nearly 65 years. Randy Pendleton has eaten here and the superstar signed a glossy black and white which hangs over the fry station. “We’ve seen the Great Bewildering Blimp come and go and then we’ve seen Randy and we’ve got a nice little town legacy here,” said owner Dan Spillner. “There is a silence here that I appreciate, a silence in this luncheon counter and the way the orange carpet curls up around the edges suddenly, quickly as one watches and the way the brown paneling begins to sort of peel off the walls. It’s quite fascinating.”

Spillner presented us with the bill which was over $300 (two breakfasts, two soft drinks). An argument ensued.

But arguments are rare. There is peace in New River, a soft, wafting peace. It’s like the gentle breeze that kisses your behind when you have your pants down outside. It’s like the soft kiss of a new lover. It’s freedom. It’s Lankville.

Brock Belvedere’s “The Small Towns of Lankville” will continue in future issues.

Categories: Lankville Action News: YES! Tags: , , ,

Local Teacher Fails Entire Class

January 6, 2015 1 comment
By Sarah Samways

By Sarah Samways

Sarah Samways is a contributing female.

Local school teacher Stevette Debbie, 32, failed her entire first grade class as of yesterday, early evening.

“These kids are idiots, to be honest with you,” claimed Debbie. “They will never learn!”

Ms. Debbie was then seen putting large red Xs on student papers, while furiously gulping down jasmine tea. Some papers even received a blunt “F U!”

When probed as to why there is so much failure afoot and how she can even determine that at such a young age, Ms. Debbie put it simply: “Genetics. Most are just born dumb, mean, and creepy. Some learn it over time, through unfortunate experiences, and at no real fault of their own. Some try to fly under the radar because they don’t want to be chastised by their peers or fall victim to a youth challenge and so they pretend to be stupid but that’s just another form of stupidity.”

Teacher Stevette Debbie who lists her age as "36".

Teacher Stevette Debbie who lists her age as “32”.

Looking at Ms. Debbie’s classroom, one would never suspect the stupidity that lies there. All seem oddly formal wearing bow ties and cardigans; perfect little gentlemen and ladies. Upon closer inspection, however, you will notice their vacant, beady little eyes. What has happened to Lankville’s youth?

“Don’t get me started on that little freak in the corner. He’s tall for his age and he’s always asking to braid the foreign girl’s hair. They’re awful, the whole lot of them!”

Asked if the situation could change, if there is any hope for Lankville’s children, Ms. Debbie, says, “Stop believing in them and maybe they’ll take notice and really buckle down. I doubt it though, they really are the worst.”

In an unrelated story, scientists are taking samples from the local water supply and will be conducting several litmus tests.

Categories: Sarah Samways: Contributing Female Tags: , ,

Famed Cafeteria to Shut its Doors

January 5, 2015 Leave a comment
Mrs. Larry Temple

Mrs. Larry Temple

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

An iconic cafeteria in the heart of Lankville’s Great Eastern Grassy Suburban Area will close its doors on Friday.

The Giant Tart cafeteria has been in continuous operation since 1957.

“It’s been a good run,” said founder Dennis O’Fashioned Candies, now 91. “I checked out years ago and have been kind of coasting on sub-par food ever since. It’s time to let go. It’s time to prepare for death.”

The Giant Tart Cafeteria is entering its end times.

The Giant Tart Cafeteria is entering its end times.

O’Fashioned Candies has already begun selling off furniture and fixtures to passersby, including his famed “Giant Tart Mold”, the longtime staple of the cafeteria.

“Tart’s gone. Long gone. They’re won’t be any more giant tarts,” the enigmatic restauranter noted.

Devotees meanwhile have been lining up for one final meal.

“It’s a landmark, definitely,” noted Daily News cuisine editor Brian Schropp. “The Giant Tart is where my new ideas in breakfast sandwiches first germinated. They used to serve a dish that was two pieces of toast and an egg and sausage. I remember staring at the plate thinking– what if we stacked all these items? That’s when it all started for me.”

Schropp noted that his final meal at The Giant Tart was a mix of nostalgia, tears and discomfort.

“I was told if I wanted a chair and table, I had to buy them and take them with me after I finished,” Schropp stated. “I ended up crouching in a corner. Everyone seemed incredibly angry and impatient.”

O’Fashioned Candies plans to serve one final dinner Friday night and be closed by 8PM.

“After that, I’m burning whatever’s left and that includes the building,” he noted. “So get down here early.”

Categories: Lankville Action News: YES! Tags: , , ,

Registration for Lankville Marathon Now Open!

January 5, 2015 Leave a comment
Sports by Watts Prisinski

Sports by Watts Prisinski

Sweeping vistas of the famous Mud Pits greet you at the start of this race, which rolls downhill into the canyon of the Lankville Animal Hunting and Conservation Area and across a series of pontoon bridges into the Southern Exotic Islands. There you’ll encounter majestic Caramel Dragons, all manner of flora and fauna, and Cousin Billy’s Auto-fetish Sculpture Garden before you climb gently back up into Outer Lankville, crossing the freeway and scampering through quaint village streets as race enthusiasts alternately cheer and taunt you, before closing in on the exciting finish in historic Pondicherry Square.

The freeway will be closed intermittently during the race.

GOOD TO KNOW: Beginning at mile 10, runners wind through “Pork Glitter Alley,” part of the Vitiello Decorative Ham Compound and Emporium, a major marathon sponsor. Decorative Ham workers motivate racers by spraying them with swine fluids and liquid Puffy Soap before releasing buckets of decorative glitter over them just as they emerge from the alley at mile 13.

Artist's rendering of Lankville marathoners moving through "Pork Glitter Alley".

Artist’s rendering of Lankville marathoners moving through “Pork Glitter Alley”.

TIP FROM ASSISTANT TO THE RACE DIRECTOR: The race route will once again traverse The Woods, despite the recent Incident reported by Daily News correspondent Sarah Samways. It was the only way to avoid The Swamp, according to Scooby Drexler of the Committee on Natural Entertainments. Reached at his vacation tent in the Lankville Partial-Ice Regions, historian Glenn Ogilvie adds, “It’s tradition.”

BEEN THERE, FUN THAT: Miles 18-22 can be a bit tedious, according to Deejay Humphrey, who has finished last in the race an unprecedented four times. That is because soon after mile 18, runners must go single-file through a chute where select family members and figures from the past whisper grievances into their ears. “I always break down at mile 21 when Darlene hisses at me about our bad breakup and about how I tried to drive a car into her,” Humphrey admits. Having run that gauntlet, however, racers’ spirits are raised all the more by the site of enthusiasts crowding the course as it funnels into Old Lankville.

Sign up now to ensure your Official Vitiello Decorative Ham Sponsorship Jersey! The Lankville Marathon takes place on April 15, 2015.

Categories: Sports Tags: , , , ,

Fudge Floats and Sweet Kisses

January 5, 2015 Leave a comment
Brian Schropp on Cuisine

Brian Schropp on Cuisine

It was January 3rd and the annual Deep Northern Suburban Fudge Festival was in full swing. Unlike most years when it was so cold that the fudge would actually stick to you (usually sending the careless kids, the elderly and the retarded to the hospital) it was slightly warmer meaning a bigger crowd. Fudge vendors from all over Lankville pitch their tents and booths along the main streets while the “Parade of Fudge Delights” travels pass. A lot of floats this year were made out of actual fudge which was a nice touch but with the weather was melting them quickly.

Scenes

Scenes from the Deep Northern Suburban Fudge Festival

All the young men lined up at the end of the parade route waiting for the “Fairy Princess of Fudge” to come on her glorious white peppermint bark float and select one lucky guy to kiss. It was always the highlight of the parade and said to bring good luck to the Deep Northern Suburban area from all the “ancient evils” of the surrounding woods. Now I know I am older than most who lined up but truth be told I hoped that would give me the edge. I was “dressed to the nines” as they say. I had on my nice breakfast sandwich themed sweater (thanks again for the awesome Xmas present Mom!!), my wrinkle free capris and some smart dress shoes. I popped a few mints in my mouth and wiped the sweat from my brow, I knew this was going to be my year!!

We waited anxiously watching float after float of fudge-related wonderment. I heard a shout from a few rows back and instantly recognized the voice.

“Hey look everybody- Brian Schropp is here. I wonder if he is going to tell us if the fudge is poisoned!!” (Please see my last article to reference this “joke”).

Yes, it was my nemesis Nathan Rowback lining up for his shot at a kiss. His cronies laughed and a few others in the crowd but not many.

“Hey Nathan, good luck getting the kiss. You will need to write about how it feels for a forty year old man to get his first kiss in that little fanzine of yours.”

Boom!! From the chorus of laughter I knew I hit the mark. Nathan with his cronies behind stormed off-what a dweeb!!!

Time passed and we were growing antsy. Then from around the corner of Rogers Ave we saw the top of the white peppermint bark float coming. Many of the younger lads instantly fainted but we seasoned vets rubbed our hands together praying for the chance.

The sketch is how I remember the princess looking in my "vision" the second is the actual princess.

The sketch is how I remember the princess looking in my “vision”.

The crowd surged forward as the float drew nearer, some slight pushing and shoving started to happen as we jockeyed for the best position. I’m still trying to piece together the events that happened next. Not sure if it was from the crowd surge or if someone pushed me (not sure if one Mr. Rowback did not come back) but I was pushed into the street just as the princess float was going by. My head bounced off the corner of the white fudge castle and I was knocked out.

There was only darkness for a long time and then I saw a faint white light which grew bigger. As it grew I started to hear music, that same beautiful music I heard before accompanied by the ethereal voices of the bumpkins. (Please refer to my “Waffle House of Shame” article for my experience with this). I traveled into the light and found myself in a forest entirely made out of shiny majestic white fudge. And standing just a few yards away was the Fairy Princess of Fudge herself looking more gorgeous than I could ever imagine. Small bumpkins danced around her, some had tails and some were even flying!!

The Princess smiled before speaking, her smile brought complete joy to my soul. “Brian, you are a special one, such a sweet delicate boy. You are on a special mission– one that will be revealed to you this year. Please remember to keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas.”

The actual Fairy Princess of Fudge.

The actual Fairy Princess of Fudge.

I tried to speak but she already knew what I was going to ask. “Yes, Hank Cameron, Manager of Foodville, is a bad man. Be careful around him.”

She then floated forward and gave me a sweet gentle kiss on the lips. “Remember” she whispered and I was soon through the light again and back to this reality.

The real Fairy Princess of Fudge was giving me mouth to mouth when I opened my eyes. The crowd cheered when they realized I wasn’t dead (only a few booed) and the chant of “Breakfast Sandwich Boy” began. The real princess wasn’t nearly as pretty as the one in my “out of body experience” but the festival judges decided that the mouth to mouth was also the kiss!! It was all coming up Schropp today!

Later in my basement apartment I pondered what had happened and if it was truly real. In my heart of hearts I know it to be true but what could the special mission be? Did it have anything to do with breakfast sandwiches?

Well, however this plays out I will keep you posted, Until next time please keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas.

Happy eating!!
BRI

Categories: Cuisine by Brian Schropp Tags: , , ,

OPINION: A Good Cup of Joe Hits You Right in the Balls

January 5, 2015 Leave a comment
By Ray Tebbetts

By Ray Tebbetts

OUTSTANDING, INFORMATIVE OPINIONS

When I wake up in the morning, I’ll tell you what I do. I grab me a good strong cup of Joe. Why? Cause it hits you right in the balls, that’s why.

I work in a toll booth. Sometimes, it can be really difficult getting motivated for my day. Eight long hours in a god damn hell– that god damn hot, stuffy tool booth box– nothing but irritated drivers throwing bills at you and that foreign foreman coming around checking on your posture every twenty minutes. It ain’t no fun, let me tell you. But if I get that good cup of Joe to slam me right in the balls…well, it’s enough to make it passable. Enough to make the world look cheery.

But it ain’t cheery, I’ll tell you that. That box may be one’s man minor inconvenience but it’s this man’s flaming Gehenna. It’s like getting roasted alive in a nether world of everlasting fire. Those smeared and streaked windows that nobody don’t ever clean, that choking odor of exhaust and petrol– I’m telling you. I just want to rip apart my own flesh and raw bone by the end of the day.

And then I have another cup of Joe bash me right in the balls.

And then I feel human again.

The opinions of Ray Tebbetts are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.

Categories: Opinions Tags: , , ,

Hadbawnik, Royer, Samways, Schropp All Honored at Luncheon

January 2, 2015 1 comment
By Gina Bradley-Komminsk

By Gina Bradley-Komminsk

By David Hadbawnik

David Hadbawnik

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES! Lankville Daily News columnists David Hadbawnik, Ric Royer, Sarah Samways and Brian Schropp were all honored yesterday at a downtown luncheon held in an office park that was later completely destroyed by a mysterious fire. Hadbawnik, Royer and Samways received huge, unwieldy trophies and Schropp was awarded the “Lankville Golden Dish” for his cuisine reviews.

The ceremony was hosted by notable celebrity Randy Pendleton.

“It was a great honor,” noted Hadbawnik, who was struggling to hold up the elephantine trophy as photographers snapped away. “I feel I’ve done some important work this year on gourd-awareness and mud pits and I’m lusciously delighted beyond measure that people have noticed.”

By Sarah Samways

Sarah Samways

Hadbawnik later had to be hospitalized after suffering a slight groin pull in his effort to hoist the trophy one final time for photographers.

Samways, who arrived wearing a foreign headdress, a sweatshirt and bicycle pants was similarly pleased. “People come up to me on the street now and ask for autographs. I’m lusciously delighted beyond measure and I’m preparing an extremely long memoir about my experiences,” the journalist added as she struggled beneath the massive trophy.

Samways later was hospitalized due to a back strain.

Schropp and Royer both arrived late.

Brian Schropp on Cuisine

Brian Schropp

“My Dad wouldn’t give me a ride,” Schropp noted after receiving his “Golden Dish” which was as small as the trophy was large. “But I’m lusciously proud beyond measure of this little tiny decoration.”

Ric Royer

Ric Royer

Schropp later had to be hospitalized after suffering from a panic attack.

Royer was the last to speak. “I am not fully aware of the symbolic meaning of this trophy,” the executive and journalist noted. “I suppose it will be useful in trading for food at a later apocalyptic date in our shared history.” Royer handed the trophy to his handlers and headed straight for a table covered with bottled sodas.

A short speech by editor-in-chief Marles Cundiff followed.

Categories: Lankville Action News: YES! Tags: , , , , , ,

President Pondicherry on the Tent Murder Menace

January 2, 2015 Leave a comment
President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry

My fellow Lankvillians,

Lankville is a country brimming with wonderful malls. But we also have verdant dells, wooded areas and little copses where some hippies enjoy camping. Such people, however, will not be able to continue fostering their love of the great outdoors if they are going to be murdered in tents. This menace must stop now.

In the past year, over ten thousand people have been murdered in tents or in challenges taking place inside tents. This is unacceptable. Tent murderers can shake the foundations of our biggest recreational tents but they cannot shake the foundations of Lankville. Our great land was founded by people in tents maybe. They created a shining beacon for love, malls and opportunity. No one will extinguish that light.

I have implemented our great nation’s emergency response plans (we have a couple). The search is already underway for these “agents of abomination” ™. We will find them. Know that they could be anywhere. Know that they will pay.

Meanwhile, please continue camping in our beautiful little wooded areas. I believe in my heart that you will be safe. I will pray for you.

God bless you and God bless Lankville,

President Pondicherry

Categories: Presidential Addresses Tags: , , ,

Inflamed by Stars and Blood Mourns the Death of Rudolfph Horner

January 2, 2015 Leave a comment

Sponsored by Inflamed by Stars and Blood: Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Review

Veteran actor Rudolfph Horner, perhaps most famous for his role as the “Blue Tiger Man” in the 1956 science fiction epic “Tigers in Ice Land” has died. The headliner fell forward into some soup at the 37th Annual Lankvillicon last Friday. He was 85.

Horner in the 1956 film "Tigers in Ice Land." Horner is lifting the tiger.

Horner in the 1956 film “Tigers in Ice Land.” Horner is lifting the tiger.

The foreign-born Horner was a sci-fi idol after his Blue Tiger Man role and appeared in several sequels. He did not act after 1977 but appeared regularly on the convention circuit.

“He was a big man, a former wrestler,” said convention organizer Brett Quentz. “He wasn’t very talented at all but he was able to actually lift a tiger and this was viewed as spectacular. He will be missed.”

“I’m very sad to hear of the death of Rudolfph,” said Tigers in Ice Land co-star Maria Bureau-Sisters. “We had nice chemistry together on the set of that film and, of course, it was a big hit. Rudolfph and I had a brief affair and I found him to be a kind and gentle person with limited interests beyond lifting heavy animals.”

Horner had lived alone in a small rancher in the Lankville Hills. He is survived by his house.

Categories: Inflamed by Stars and Blood Tags: , , , ,

The Incident in the Woods: An Investigative Report

January 2, 2015 1 comment
By Sarah Samways

By Sarah Samways

Lankville Daily News’ Contributing Female hits the streets in search of answers.

Lankville, your safety is important to me – I want you to know that. Your privacy is too, I suppose. The state of your mental health is a concern I have from time to time, if there’s nothing good on television. So when I heard there was an incident in The Woods, I was determined to get to the bottom of it. I interviewed several Lankvillians on the scene but I wasn’t getting any straight answers. When asked about the incident, a group of teenagers shrugged their shoulders. An unidentified man on a bicycle claimed he had heard an explosion of some sort but this could not be corroborated with police reports.

“Not a thing is singed,” said Detective Gee Temple, as he jumped into a pile of leaves. “We’ll take some samples of these leaves I’ve just jumped into but otherwise, I’m not seeing anything suspicious,” the intrepid detective added.

Gee-Temple: "I took some of the wings out of the bassinet."

Gee-Temple: “…I’m not seeing anything suspicious.”

Others claimed there was a flood and it ruined all the crops. An elderly couple said that they had seen a young man skipping stones and playing hopscotch. I asked how this was suspicious. “I didn’t care for his haircut,” noted Leslie Smithereens, 89. Her husband, Doe, 76, nodded in agreement. A burly man said he had seen “…the light at the end of the tunnel.” A quiet weirdo avoided making eye contact at all costs but whispered, what now I can only assume to be the secret of life, in my ear, and then skipped off down the road carrying a basket of flowers. I was getting nowhere; why was I here?

I would get closer to the truth when I came across an old woman, creaking back and forth in a rocking chair on an open and termite-bitten-porch. She invited me to sit “for a spell and drink sweet tea.” I accepted the invitation. Her name was Josephine Liliweather.

SS: What exactly happened here? I’m getting all kinds of stories.

JL: Yeah, that’ll happen…You from outta town?

SS: Kind of…I’m new to the city but I’m quite familiar with The Woods. I’ve lived here from time to time.

JL: Well, it takes time. Everything and nothing happened out here. Everything and nothing.

SS: It seems some people are upset –

JL: What about that girl who disappeared?probe.png

SS: What? I hadn’t heard that –

JL: Oh, I doubt you ever will!

Ms. Liliweather then splashed hot sweet tea in my eyes, threw me off the porch and rolled me down a hill in one of those old fashioned wooden barrels. It smelled of pickles and it was disgusting. The interview was ended prematurely, but set for a later date yet to be determined.

Categories: Lankville Action News: YES!, Penetrating Interviews Tags: , ,

If You’re Not Eating a Beezler’s, You Are Not Eating a Smore.

January 1, 2015 1 comment
These guys know what a smore is. They know Beezler's.

These guidos know what a smore is. They know Beezler’s.

A PAID ADVERTISEMENT

If you’re not eating a Beezler’s, you are not eating a smore.

So you think just because you are putting that graham cracker with melted chocolate and marshmallows in your mouth that you are eating a smore, eh? Well guess again. Guess as many times as you want, but you won’t be correct until you guess “No, I’m not eating a smore”. That’s because for 87 years, Beezler’s Terrific has served as Lankville’s ONLY authentic smore outlet in the region.

Made with REAL graham cracker, 100% chocolate chips AND marshmallows, a Beezler’s Terrific is a great use of your mouth.

We are located off Route 7 near the big golfing dome thing, come on by! The smell alone will put you and your family in a raptured, catatonic state. Choose from over 100 varieties of smores, including Pina Colata, The Nutty Brown Bear, and our newest creation: The Salty Fisherman. Ahoy matey!

So the next time someone hands you a graham cracker with chocolate and marshmallows on it, slap it right out of their goddamn hands because you deserve better. You deserve a Beezler’s.

Categories: Offers Tags: , , ,

Nature Alcove with Don Jars

December 31, 2014 Leave a comment
By Don Jars, Naturalist

By Don Jars, Naturalist

Don Jars is Lankville’s premier naturalist.

Today, we’ll be discussing the largest of Lankville’s lizards– the famed “Caramel Dragon” of the Southern Exotic Islands. Discovered by famed naturalist Harry Caramels (1811-1850), the Caramel Dragon reaches a length of 10 feet and may weigh 300 pounds or more. No one believed Caramels when he first reported word of the now famous lizard and he was variously described as “crazy” or “berserk” or an “asshole”. It wasn’t until photographers captured images of the Dragon that Caramels’ reputation was redeemed. Unfortunately, by then, the intrepid naturalist had been injured in a challenge and then murdered in a tent. Yet, his fame now lives!

The Caramel Dragon is an “inviligator lizard”. This means that he tends to “watch over” things and possesses vast intelligence (many can even count and sort shapes). The Dragon is also venomous and a bite from the creature means instant death.

The famed "Caramel Dragon".

The famed “Caramel Dragon”.

Fortunately, they are slaughtered quite often and made into popular commercial materials such as purses, combs and shoes! There is no more popular gift for a woman than a “Caramel Dragon Tooth Comb” or a pair of Dragon Hide Flip Flops– ideal as leisurewear during those long, hot summers. And you will be the talk of your office with a stunning “Soft Dragon Top Handle Bag”, marrying timeless Island craftsmanship and versatile modern design. Simply “pick it up” ™ for that style that goes everywhere.

Caramel Dragon boots never go out of fashion. Lined with Caramel Dragon leather and cushioned insoles, these boots will ensure comfort from your very first step. Rugged and durable at work and at play– you’ll be the hit of the ranch, office, or shed.

Nature is so abundant. Next week, we’ll be looking at Lankville Upper Ocean Amphibians.

DON

Categories: Nature Tags: , , ,

Lankville Mud Pits to Reopen

December 31, 2014 Leave a comment
By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Scooby Drexler, assistant to the coordinator of the Lankville Committee on Natural Entertainments, announced this morning that the area’s famous Mud Pits will reopen early in 2015. The Pits had been closed for renovation for the past thirty-six months, at a cost of $476,415 to date.

“This is a great day for Lankville and surrounding areas,” Drexler said to a small gathering of reporters and enthusiasts this morning near Pondicherry Square. “Soon our sons will be able to enjoy the Mud Pits again, like their fathers and grandfathers before them.”

The Mud Pits are back (figure one).

The Mud Pits and Lankville: Reunited.

Women have traditionally not been allowed in the Mud Pits.

Drexler noted that events such as “Clod Hurling,” in which young men scoop up and carry hardened clods of dirt on the end of a homemade stick while opponents hurl insults and dirty water at them, will soon be scheduled again in the Mud Pits, where they belong. And with the newly refurbished seats on the north edge of the Pits, spectators will have a better view of the goings-on than ever before. Other improvements include a covered viewing area for visiting foreign dignitaries, and chrome-reinforced “dipping bars” to lower enthusiasts into the Pits.

As Glenn Ogilvie, history professor at the University of Southern Lankville, observed, “It’s tradition.” The crown jewel of Lankville’s Natural Entertainments, the Mud Pits were first discovered, according to Professor Ogilvie, in 1667 by Edmund du Rochfecault, who was looking for a place to bury dead servants and farm animals. They quickly became a popular destination.

The Mud Pits are back (figure two).

The Mud and Pits and Lankville: Reunited (alternate view)

“I remember playing ‘Sticks and Leaves’ in the Mud Pits for hours on end,” he recalled, describing the game in which boys hide in deep recesses of mud, breathing only through a hollow stick, until they sense an opponent moving nearby and leap up to drag him down in the mud and leave him there. “Games like that are such a unique part of the local fabric,” Prof. Ogilvie added, noting that attempts to play them elsewhere, such as in the Lankville Outer Flats, had proven disastrous. “You need a firm pit, with a good, high level of mud at the right consistency, or it just isn’t going to work.”

Getting the Pits exactly right was expensive and took a long time, Scooby Drexler admitted, but the result was worth it. Now, the popular Ooze Festival, in which citizens solemnly gather to watch as the Pits are replenished with water from the hot springs of the Lankville Partial-Ice Regions, will be open to the public once more.

And the Pits, Drexler promised, will be muddier than ever.

Categories: Lankville Action News: YES! Tags: , , ,

The Sanduny Spa: Where Bliss is Only the Beginning

December 31, 2014 Leave a comment
By Eric Gelsinger

By Eric Gelsinger

Eric Gelsinger may or may not be the owner of the Sanduny Spa. This may or may not be a paid advertisement.

How do you feel RIGHT NOW!? Touch your spleen –is it turgid with bile? Palpate your gall bladder –is it angular? might you say even grinning? Do you feel that simply checking your truck-phone Prime Choice Singles Match inbox requires an exertion of heart and mind beyond your wildest imagination? Is your own name hateful to you, especially in the mouth of your insane landlord who has been vacuuming for 122 hours straight? Do you despise Time because it is the medium within which YOU –damn you!! – exist? Is the only thing stopping you from mercifully offing your miserable self the thought of all that effort? Well, it’s time to go to the Spa!!!!

How do I know? Because I’ve been, there, Lankville. I know what it’s like when your every thought is an atrocity against the laws of man and nature, and you’ve eaten all the caramel and cheddar popcorn, and you’ve run at the mirror with that ladder your raving lunatic neighbor gifted you for “Occultation Eve,” and you’ve donned iron boots to walk upon its fragments, and in the silver nitrate dust run again at the unfaded vestige on the wallpaper, until the floral print has torn asunder and the nightmarishly pink insulation has spilled out the plaster and yet the eidola of your image remains, so panting for breath you charge again. I know, Lankville. But I also know what it’s like to feel like this! WHOOPIEWHOOPWHOOPWOOPOOOOOOWHOOPWHOOPWHOOPIEDOOOO!!!

Sanduny Sauna Spa (photo by John Barlow)

Sanduny Sauna Spa (photo by John Barlow)

What’s the difference between obsessive ramrodding self-hate, and vacant happiness? One trip to the Sanduny Spa!

Come to the Sanduny Spa, and feel the maniacal grin melt right off your bruised face as you enjoy a healthy steam. In the Foreign Area bath, sink into the pleasure as your self-inflicted wounds throb with hedonistic abandon. Treat yourself to a full-body massage –you’ll feel like your bipedal form is a bulbous balloon-animal twisting and squeaking in the hands of THE HAPPIEST CLOWN IN THE UNIVERSE. You bet your bippy, a day at the Sanduny Spa is like sitting spread legged in the tool shed with a shogun barrel in your mouth, only these shells are loaded with 100% LEADEN ECSTASY! Ch-ch-BANG! Ch-ch-BANG! Ch-ch-BANG! BANG! BANG! Can you feel it? Can you feel the long-awaited joy detonating in every concussed cavity of your living corpse? Well wait until you try “The Gimlet.”

So when you want it all to end, drive blindly and wildly all the way to the Sanduny Spa, where bliss is only the beginning, and everything in between, and more, and then some, and there’s no such thing as a little to much or a lot.

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A Critical Look at the Deep Northern Suburban Holiday Party and the Disaster that Followed

December 29, 2014 Leave a comment
Brian Schropp on Cuisine

Brian Schropp on Cuisine

I was already on my third “Holiday Strike” on the drive over to the party but I was allowed to come anyways. Probably what saved me from having to wait in the car (like last year) was actually writing for the Lankville paper and not just for my own food fanzine (which had a pretty good following by the way).

“Nothing, I mean NOTHING, is going to happen tonight. You are going to sample some food, write your notes and then sit in a corner and talk with NO ONE!”

I had made my father’s life hard recently (especially in lawyer’s fees alone) so I planned on following his instructions.

For readers not familiar with the Deep Northern Suburban Holiday Party, it’s a tradition that has been going on for over forty years at the “Double-Headed Moose Lodge” off of Garrett Rd. The story goes that the double-headed moose use to terrorize the community out of the woods surrounding the Deep Northern Suburbs around the holiday times. It wasn’t until this deformity/creature from Hell was killed (on a snowy Christmas morning) that the families could start enjoying this magical time without living in fear. So we celebrate every Christmas at the lodge which was actually built on the ground where the moose was killed.

The parking lot was filling up fast as we pulled in around 5PM. It was a cold, brisk Christmas evening with a light snow fall. As I jumped out of the car before it was fully parked I heard my Dad say, “Remember what I said son.” I looked back at his gaze from the rear view mirror. “No worries Pops, I got this.” I admit to a little swagger as I headed for the door.

The Lodge usually caters from a different place every year but folks still bring their own dishes– some to show off their cooking skills, others to appease the spirit of the moose so it won’t come back. I aggressively made my way past the people on the steps in hopes of getting a shot at Ms. Burgee’s meatballs. Her meatballs are always the hit of the party and go quick.

The huge room was a crowded affair with two huge crackling fireplaces on both sides. A platform was in the middle with a Big Band playing above the giant bust of the two-headed moose (the thing must of been the size of an elephant!!). There was a small dance area in front of the platform where men were swinging their ladies around to the tunes. The rest of the room was filled with folding table after folding table of sweet delicious food. I spotted the area where I believed the Burgee meatballs to be and pushed and prodded my way over.

The Double-Headed Moose Lodge.

The Double-Headed Moose Lodge.

I was just able to secure myself a paper plate when none other than my old nemesis Nathan Rowback came up to me with his cronies behind him. Nathan is an old “friend” from high school who likes to tell people he was the one who reintroduced the popularity of breakfast sandwiches and “suburban soul food” back to the area. He also claims to have published his food fanzine before mine but the truth is this dweeb (pardon my language) has been riding my coattail for years.

“Say Bri, whipped up any new reviews lately?” (Please refer to my Sylvia’s Waffle House Of Shame to get his “joke”). He chuckled so his cronies chuckled as well.

I glanced at the paper plate he was holding. “Hey Nathan looks like you just have pretzels on your plate. Is that all your food palette can register?” A good and witty comeback. Even his cronies “ooohhhed.”

He got into my face. “Want to make something of it?” Normally I wouldn’t mind going a round or two with him but the voice of my dad came into my head–“Nothing, I mean NOTHING is going to happen tonight!”

“Not right now. I have a PAPER to write for.” With that I slightly pushed him out of my way.

I was in luck to get the last two Burgee meatballs and they were fabulous. I try and tell Ms. Burgee she needs to open a meatball or a meatball sub shop but I am usually told to get off her lawn.

I proceeded to nab some of Ms. Clayton’s “Twice-Baked Tuna Helper” plus Mr. Waltman’s “Piggies in A Sleeping Bag” and knew I was sampling some of the best the neighborhood had to offer.

For the sake of the paper, I knew I had to try the big boys catering the event. So, brandishing a fresh paper plate and spork I went into the crowds at the main tables. I was able to grab some chicken, a dabble of mashed potatoes, and a few slices of honey baked ham. I found a quiet spot to taste my selection in peace. The chicken was very dry, the mashed potatoes cold and bland, the ham had a very foul off-putting taste.

I realized I never found out who was catering this debacle of processed food so I hammered my way back up to the tables and noticed the plastic containers over in a nearby corner. I shouldn’t of been surprised to find “Foodville” stamped on the cheap slimy vessels. Hank Cameron (the manager) has been the subject of a few of my articles and not for the good. It wasn’t until I noticed the dates on the containers that my heart sank and stomach turned a little. This food was just over a year old.

Hank Cameron (unflattering close-up file photo)

Hank Cameron (unflattering close-up file photo)

I was at a crossroads. I had to stay out of trouble yet people’s lives were at risk if they continued to eat this so called “food”. Taking a deep breath I made my way towards the stage. The attention of the entire lodge quickly turned towards me once the music stopped. A few band members tried to stop me but I was able to wiggle away from them and grab a microphone. “Ladies and gentlemen you need to stop eating the main courses brought by Foodville!! The food is old and will make you sick. Please please everyone put down your sporks!! Hank Cameron, manager of Foodville is poisoning you!!”

Chaos descended quicker than I thought. Screams and cries followed by mass amounts of vomit. The lodge became a free for all with the crowds pushing against each other either to get outside or to the bathrooms, the band members dropping their instruments and running off the stage even though they hadn’t had a bite to eat. People started to slip on the rivers of vomit flowing freely from all directions. Somebody pulled the fire alarm and the sprinklers rained down on the large masses and the lights started to blink.

I was still in daze on the stage looking and listening to the madness around me when I heard a horrific shout of “YOU!!!” coming from the right. Hank Cameron was making his way fast towards me, a soaking mess pushing people out of his way and slipping from the vomit. The chase was on. I was nimbly able to hop off the stage and onto the old expired food using the tables to cross the opposite direction quickly. Once clear on the other side I was able to blend into the crowds and get out of one of the exit doors. I ran between the chaos and cars outside until I found the family minivan. I climbed inside and slid down to the floor so no one could see me. I listened to the shouts, sirens, and helicopters for a long time.

So, once my family made it back to car I explained the situation in hopes of not getting beaten on the spot.

“The thing is Bri,” my Dad said as he grabbed my shoulder a bit too hard. “The food wasn’t a year old. It’s still 2014. New Years is next week.”

Well, my Dad’s lawyers say the food Hank Cameron brought was still expired by a few days. That just might be what gets me out this mess. I will keep you updated!!

Until next time folks keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas!!

Happy Eating,
BRI

Categories: Cuisine by Brian Schropp Tags: , ,