Archive
You Deserve a Presentation Oar
By Floyd Tingley
A PAID ADVERTISEMENT
Winter is over. Spring is here. And now is the perfect time to treat yourself to a Tingley Presentation Oar.
A Tingley Presentation Oar is the best presentation oar.
If you’re like me (and I think you are), you work hard to keep your lawn in perfect order, your tool bench clean and boned with flaxseed oil and your carpets steam-cleaned. Take a moment to present yourself with a little gift– a presentation oar from Tingley Presentation Oars that will look perfect in your den, club basement, boat, or rented room. Pick up two and you got yourself a tableau. Pick up three and…well, let’s just say that no customer of mine has EVER regretted picking up three and we’ll end it at that.
Right now, we’re having a “Spring Presentation Oar Sale”. You pay $195 for your first oar and just $175 for the second. Want more than two (as we discussed before)? I’m not even going to publish the price for additional oars– it’s just THAT LOW.
How can I afford to give these oars away at these prices? Because I know that once you buy a Tingley Presentation Oar from me, you will keep coming back for all your presentation oar needs. A Tingley presentation oar is the best presentation oar.
You can write me: Tingley Little Presentation Oars, 55 Knobs, South Lankville, 2-111. Serious inquiries only. Be sure to inquire soon– there’s gonna be a waiting list as long as both your arms and your right leg at these prices.
The opinions of Mr. Tingley are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News and its subsidiaries.
OPINION: I’ve Been Punched While Owling Before, I’ll Be Punched While Owling Again
Dick La Hoyt
OUTSTANDING OPINIONS
Yeah, this is a heads-up for that candied-ass shitheel that punched me in the mouth while I was owling last night. Guess what, buttface? I’ve been punched in the mouth while owling before and I’ll be punched in the mouth while owling again.
So, my brother-in-law Tommy asked me if I wanted to go owling with him last night. “Yeah, sure, I’ll sit around and look at some god damn owls if there’s a six-pack involved,” I said. He gave me that look and started on about some monkey owls or something that were hanging around in the neighbor’s barn. “You want to catch them, I got a big-ass net,” I offered but he just gave me that look again and handed me the six-pack. “You carry the beer,” he said. “GLADLY,” I responded, a little too loud (my sister was asleep on the couch).
So, we sat around the barn for awhile and then this fuckface shows up– some friend of Tommy’s. “We go on owling expeditions together,” Tommy said.
“What are you guys, a couple of faggots?”
I downed a beer and they didn’t say anything. This other piece of shit though, he gave me a look that I didn’t like at all and I decided to keep my eye on him.
Female barn owl (file photo)
Anyway, after awhile, this son-of-a-whore says he sees something and he and Tommy get all excited. They start moving real careful towards the screech of this monkey owl or whatever and that’s when this motherlover steps in front of me.
So, I’m like, “WHOA MAN– THIS SPOT IN THE BARN IS SPOKEN FOR!”.
Tommy immediately was like, “I knew I shouldn’t have taken you Dick– you just scared the damn owl away.”
And this other guy, he’s all like, “who the hell is this guy, Tommy?” and I’m all like, “I’M THE GUY THAT’S GONNA’ KICK YOUR FUCKIN’ ASS” and then he’s all like, “LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY” and I’m like, “LET’S ROCK AND ROLL MOTHERFUCKER” and then one thing leads to another and the next thing I know I’ve been punched in the mouth and I’m lying in the hay looking up at the rafters.
I think it was Tommy who dragged me back inside and my sister was awake by then and she was all, “Christ, did you get punched again Dick?” and I don’t remember much after that.
But I do want that prick to know it– I’ve been punched while owling before and I’ll sure as shit be punched while owling again.
The opinions of Dick La Hoyt are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Gourds in Spring: Breaking the Stigma
Dr. David Hadbawnik
David Hadbawnik is Lankville’s premier authority on pumpkins and gourds.
Recently, I set up some choice gourds from my collection at a nearby spring flower fair.
The response was, needless to say, decidedly negative.
“That is not a spring flower,” one woman balked. “Autumn called- they want their gourds back,” another scoffed. “Fuck you and your god damn gourds, you stupid pile of shit,” said still another.
I was hurt and discouraged. All the work I had done to promote year-round gourd awareness seemed lost on these women. After all, my spring and summer gardens feature as many as ten different beautiful gourds– everything from the spinning top to the speckled swan– and all as elegant and splendid as anything to be found in autumn!
The majestic beauty of a dangling gourd.
“You can’t eat any of these summer gourds,” one woman proffered. “What the hell good are they?” While it’s not entirely true that no summer gourds are edible (the Eastern Hill Snake Gourd is delightful with tofu!), I felt that the woman was missing the point. The factor here is not food– the factor is FUN!
So, start your seeds indoors now to dodge the nighttime chill of April and transport your seedlings into the garden in early June. I prefer to utilize an A-frame trellis to allow my gourds space to climb (and also because I really like the look of gourds dangling down through a trellis) but you can also allow them to grow on the ground if that’s how you choose to live your life.
Dr. Hadbawnik’s pamphlet “Why I’m Right About Summer Gourds” is available for $5.95 plus shipping from The Lankville Daily News.
Horoscopes by Sheeba Incaviglia
Sheeba channels the future.
ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)—Family member confides a secret. Turns out, they murdered someone. Your thinking on this should be constructive and helpful. Don’t burden them with your doubts. Business activities should take a backseat this week.
TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)—Take time out to enjoy some leisure. Set up a matching lawn chair and end table in the yard. Put a transistor radio on the table. The table will collapse, the radio will fall to the ground. Two batteries will be ejected suddenly from the side. It’s just not your week.
GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)—Sometimes old people can be fooled by costumes. Find a convincing non-human costume and walk loudly down a busy street. Could be a little scratch in it.
CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)—It’s time to come to terms with that loudmouth relative that hogs the sofa. Avoid jumping to conclusions about that guy that hangs around the laundry but never seems to have any actual laundry to do. Could be a chance for an intensified relationship. Be aware of your potential.
LEO (July 23/Aug 23)–Spread your emotional wings after dinner. Climb up onto your chair for effect. Find an enormous blinking digital clock with offensively bright white lights. Hang it in your cubicle at work. Say, “I’m a time aesthete” over and over again while laughing wildly.
VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)–There’s nothing wrong with a feral, public feast of sex. It can be cleansing. The airport is not a good place for it though. Puts everyone on edge.
LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)—Work will likely go better in a tension-free atmosphere. Tend to your paperwork near a nice pond, lake or mall fountain. Treat yourself to a new outfit. Keep in mind: they don’t have new outfits for sale at ponds and lakes. You know what to do.
SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)—News concerning another person’s finances will be enlightening but not involve you. That is, unless you make it involve you. Lower the hammer.
SAGITTARIAN (Nov 22/Dec 21)—Be wary of new romance this week. Remember, there’s a lot of sodomites running around. It’s a twilight world.
CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)—You may feel as though an appalling demon has possessed your very soul this week but overall the year ahead should prove to be happy and profitable. Romance could turn into marriage but it could also just turn into tearing up the backseat of your car. Exert patience as you wait for the damage to be repaired.
AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)—Organization is key this week. Why not figure out what the hell you’re doing with that giant cabinet of beads? What a god damn mess that thing is— beads everywhere, nothing sorted by color or size. Christ, almighty, get to work on that.
PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)—Travel plans may have to be shelved this week. Put an emphasis on short journeys to places you’re already well familiar with–large buildings or a series of connected buildings which contain a large variety of retail stores and perhaps food courts, for example.
Paisley Elected Treasurer
By Bernie Keebler
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Loaff A. Paisley has been elected treasurer of Lankville.
The 35 year-old Paisley is an Eastern Hills resident. He has been in the cattle feeding business for 13 years.
“I met Loaff when I had some cattle to be fed,” noted President Pondicherry, who oversaw the election. “Actually, I ended up being completely mistaken. I didn’t have any cattle. But it was a happy accident because I met Loaff. I encouraged him to run for office.”
New treasurer Loaff Paisley.
Paisley defeated incumbent Scancius Power by a tally of 935 to 716. 99% of Lankville did not turn out.
“It was not a compelling election,” noted political analyst and Lankville Daily News columnist Lloyd Byas-Kirk. “Also, there were a lot of other things going on that night. There was a quiz bowl for talented youth, the malls were open late, there were a number of challenges. As usual, debilitating fear of anything outside also played a part in the paltry numbers.”
Paisley earned a bachelor’s degree from the Eastern Hills Easier University and is a member of the Lankville Cattle Bureau. He also serves as assistant treasurer of the Koala Bears and Walnuts Club.
He and his wife, the former Tebbie Raines, are the parents of five children.
“I’m pleased at the results,” said Paisley, in a prepared statement. “For far too long, my opponent Mr. Power, has abused the wallets and purses of our people. I’m asking Lankville to buckle their seatbelts and find the exit. There is one exit and it’s right here.”
Paisley pointed at himself.
He will assume office in early June.
Columnist Hadbawnik Nabs Ph.D.
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville Daily News contributor David Hadbawnik has nabbed a Ph.D., sources are confirming.
“It’s true,” the columnist affirmed, when we accosted him outside the room where he successfully defended his doctoral thesis. “I feel great, feel like I’m ready to take the next step forward and wait for the opportunity to give academia 110% all the time. I’m in the best shape of my life,” Dr. Hadbawnik added.
Dr. David Hadbawnik
Hadbawnik’s thesis, a study of various medieval Lankville poets, was praised by a professor and panel member who refused to be identified.
“It’s a great piece of scholarship and Dr. Hadbawnik has a great attitude. He worked hard and if he didn’t always have his best stuff, he battled. He’s happy to be here– he’s a professional scholar.”
In appreciation of Hadbawnik’s achievement, The Lankville Daily News named the scholar a “Senior Correspondent” early this afternoon.
“We don’t have many senior correspondents,” noted editor-in-chief Marles Cundiff. “But Dr. Hadbooner [sic] is the kind of guy we can rely on. He’s a great clubhouse guy and he takes things one day at a time and he always has his game face on. With this honor, he’s really made a statement. It’s a statement Ph.D., it really is.”
Dr. Hadbawnik did not outline any specific celebration of his achievement.
“Probably just a quiet dinner at the Casa Montecristo,” he stated. “It’s an elegant reception hall,” he added after a long silence.
OPINION: Just Because I Throw Knives Into Cardboard Boxes Hidden Under My Bedspread Doesn’t Mean I’m Crazy
By Pump Minger
There’s snow on the road. Two rudimentary tire tracks cut through it and the going is treacherous. Pop is driving– my wife is in the passenger seat. I’m alone in the back.
They came to me this morning in my room.
Ambers (that’s my wife) began crying. “Pump,” she said, “your Dad is here. We’re going…well, we’re going to take you somewhere today. Go ahead and put the knives down.”
I put them down. I could see her looking at the square-shaped protrusions that stuck out like strange towers from beneath my flower-patterned bedspread. And the gashes. Hundreds of them– they were everywhere. They were even in the wall where I had missed.
“Where are we going?” I said.
“Well, just for a ride, that’s all.”
Dad stormed in. “What the hell is this?” he yelled, pointing at the bed. He ripped the bedspread straight off revealing my series of cardboard boxes with the targets that I had drawn on.
“Doesn’t even make any god damn sense,” he said quietly. “Christ, you can’t even see the targets.”
Then, we were driving. I watched carefully as we passed through long stretches of wooded area deep in the Lankville suburbs. Nobody said anything.
We pulled up in front of an ancient, imposing building. I knew it. Everybody knows it. The Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness or, as it’s more commonly-known, “The Laughing Academy”. It’s hard time.
“Why are we here?” I said.
“Maybe because you throw knives into cardboard boxes hidden under your god damn bedspread,” Pop said under his breath. I could hear him though. My wife began crying.
We were met at the front door by a man in a white coat. It was stained with sauce. He took me to a small office.
“Pamp, let’s talk for a moment about the knives,” he said.
“It’s Pump.”
“Let’s talk about the knives. You throw them into cardboard boxes that you’ve hidden under your bedspread. Tell me about that.”
“It’s just a hobby. What? It don’t mean anything.”
He coughed. He looked embarrassed. Then, he rustled around in some papers in a folder.
“It doesn’t mean I’m crazy, doc. It’s just some cardboard boxes hidden under my bedspread. I just..I throw knives into them, that’s all.”
“These papers indicate that the cardboard boxes have targets drawn on them,” he noted. “Let’s talk about that.”
A hanging lamp suddenly became disengaged from the ceiling and smashed him in the head. The light bulb popped like a firecracker.
I pressed on. “I get the cardboard boxes myself. I go out and find them. I find them so I can throw the knives…”
I was getting off point and I knew it. He had me. He knew it. He brushed the pieces of light bulb out of his hair confidently.
Now I’m in a cell, looking out at the snow.
Don’t think it makes me crazy though. I really don’t.
I Want to Tell You About How Me and My New Boyfriend Went and Got Pizza
By Ashley Pfeiffers
I want to tell you SO MUCH about how me and my new boyfriend went and got pizza!
I just about DIED when he asked me. I was watching him skateboard over at the community half-pipe and he suddenly cruised over and said, “Ash– you and me…tonight…pizza.” I couldn’t believe it. Then he said, “Ash, this Ollie I’m about to pop– it’s for you baby.” OH MY GOD, I thought I was going to pass out I was so nervous and shaky! He ended up falling over an orange cone a bunch of times but then he actually did it and he blew me a kiss. We are so in love!
Later, I waited for him by the door. My Dad kept saying, “When are you going to bring this young man in to meet us?” but I was just like, “DAD, STOP!” My heart was racing a mile a minute when I saw him come up the walk. He had even borrowed his grandmom’s station wagon. He’s so cute, I know he likes me!
When we got in the car he said, “Ash, I want to kiss you hard before we wolf pizza.” I giggled and he put on the radio and we kissed really, really passionately. Then, he pushed back his bangs and started the car and we drove out to the Pizza A-Round, which is where all the kids hang out sometimes.
It’s the pizza my new boyfriend bought for me.
A guy who didn’t seem to be a host or even a waiter and who was soaking wet and confused showed us to a table.
“Did you see that goof, Ash?” my new boyfriend said. “What a goof! That’s not gonna’ be me Ash. That’s NOT gonna’ be me.”
“I know,” I said. “You’re working really hard on your skateboarding.”
“You make me better, Ash,” he said. Then some breaksticks came.
We just have so much in common.
The opinions of Ashley Pfeiffers are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
The Man I Was by Dr. Kevin Thurston
Me as a Young Man
Dr. Kevin Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
The man I was. Just look at me.
I spent many days with that pillow shoved callously between my body and the side of that Queen Anne’s chair. A pillow was just a pillow then- back before I began to have sympathy for the feelings of all things. Now, it makes me terribly sad to look at such a cute inanimate object rejected like that. I wish the “me of now” could tell the “me of then” about the imminent years of horrifying relentless inner torment and the endless journeys of fear, discovery and self-reflection. Perhaps the “me of then” would not be so easily inclined to hoarding the “free space” of the chair. All space is free. No man may claim it.
Clearly, I did.
The “me of then” also smoked three packs of cigarettes of day. It was because he (I will go ahead and call him he– he is foreign to me now) needed succor and sustenance and he sought it in those now mysterious objects purchased by the carton late at night at distant gas stations. He would drive all night, polluting our common shared spaces with cigarette smoke– exhaling it all over trees, grass and, most importantly, all over feelings.
Fortunately, my addiction is now to my patients and to keeping them away from becoming boys like this. My patients are men, men with feelings– men with feelings who buy some of the nice things I currently have available– caller ID component, fits most standard telephones, $9.99, one of those ball shape toys for babies missing one shape, $9.99, lots of other great stuff.
Make an appointment today. Be the you of now, not the you of then.
This article has been paid for by Dr. Kevin Thurston, expert on men’s feelings.
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
Dick Oakes, Jr.
I warmed up a couple of microwave burritos, then took the bus down to the truck stop. People kept looking at the burritos the whole time. “Why do you have hot, steaming burritos on your lap?” one guy finally asked. I told him to mind his own god damn business if he knew what was good for him. He did.
I got out at my stop and picked up a couple of bottles of beer. Then I took the bus back over to the co-ed dormitory.
It was a depressing three-floor walk-up made of stucco. Very little adornment. Bunch of nurses lived there. They had left their trash cans lying in the mud with the lids off– the effect was frank and startling.
I squatted in the rear of the place behind a beveled hedge and unpacked my binoculars from their spongy, springy case. I glassed the upper floor first since it was lighted– couple of girls in bra and panties having a pillow fight. I consumed an entire burrito with only a dim awareness of what I was doing. I glassed the next window– petite blonde, in bra and panties, putting a big penguin into a child’s plastic swimming pool. The penguin was really getting a kick out of it– splashing water around gleefully. Then the blonde threw on a white t-shirt that read, Penguins Are People Too! I couldn’t figure on any of it but I wolfed down a second burrito anyway and chased it with the beers.
After awhile, the lights went out and the early spring warmth disappeared. I headed down to the main drag and found a place called “The Albert Puck”– some trash-strewn motor court done up in a disjointed modernist style. There were fake trees along one side.
The guy on the desk was a little brick shithouse of a man with a mustache and bright red skin. He was reading a magazine called “Coastal Safety Measures”. There was a garbage drawing on the cover showing a boat smashing into a house. A banner across the bottom said, “IT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU”. I couldn’t figure on any of it.
The guy put down the magazine and looked me up and down. He was a cocky little pisspot, you could see it– I thought about cracking him one across the jaw but decided to hold off. He gave me a room down on the end and read off a list of rules. “No dope in there. Can’t have any dope in there. I won’t stand for it. And no outside meats. You wanna’ bring in a cooked chuck or a ham, you clear it with me first.”
We had a stare down for awhile and then I walked out. The guy came to the mouth of the hallway and watched me into the room.
It was done up in bright pinks and green. There were a couple of single beds with little table tents neatly placed on top. I picked one up. It said, “Your Bedspread was Brought to You by Dietz Bedding and Linen. There was a calendar on the obverse but it was from two years ago. I tossed the table tent, threw off my moist clothes and crawled into bed.
It was about three hours later that I heard some banging in the hallway. I threw the chain and cracked the door. Everything was in deep shadow. Then a face emerged from the darkness. It was a grim, gaunt face, sick as all hell and hairless.
“I’m Albert Puck,” he said. I didn’t offer anything.
“Are you happy with your room?”
I allowed that I was but I couldn’t figure on any of it.
“I apologize for my son. He can be brash. He doesn’t care for things. His mother was that way.”
“Where’s his mother?”
“She died. Died in this very motor court. In the bath. In your room.”
I figured on this being some kind of a jackpot but I didn’t call him on it. He started to shake violently.
“I’ll be seeing you,” he managed. He lurked off.
The next morning, I snuck out of there without returning the key. I threw it into a ditch later.
Area Jackass Has, Like, Fucking Trash in His Front Yard
By Zach Keebaugh
STORIES THAT AFFECT YOU
CENTRAL LANKVILLE– An area jackass has nothing but, like, fucking trash in his front yard.
The jackass, who has been identified as Mr. Coven Slides, a Tungsten Inert Gas Welder, had little to say about the fucking trash when challenged.
ZK: What’s with the fucking trash, old man?
CS: The wood was all part of a shed that was in the backyard. It was in the backyard for years and then it wasn’t. Then, it was in the front yard and it was broken up like that. That’s also when that big cart was there.
Would you just look at the fucking trash that this area jackass has?
ZK: The Lankville Daily News is not buying that shit explanation, man.
Mr. Slides just shrugged his shoulders and walked away. Later, we saw him inside the big shitty cart.
Calls to the Central Lankville Sanitation Department were answered.
“We know about Mr. Slides,” noted Sanitation Director Rudy Sakata. “His yard does have a lot of trash in it. But in that photo you faxed over, one can clearly see a blue trash can. We took that to mean that Mr. Slides is taking care of the issue.”
“The old man is all, like, acting like he doesn’t know how the trash got there,” I said. “It’s a big mind game if you want my opinion,” I countered.
“Well, there’s that wood cart there. And the cart is full. Clearly, some things are happening,” said Sakata.
My toaster pizzas were done then so, you know, I cut the interview short.
Mr. Keebaugh’s story also suddenly ended.
This is Me, Getting Into My Van
IMPORTANT MOMENTS IN LANKVILLE LIFE
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking- okay, it’s a picture of a bald guy getting into a van. Pretty ordinary. Kind of thing you see everyday in Lankville.
Well, what if I told you that guy is me?
You’re reading a little closer now, aren’t you?
Let me tell you a little more about this photograph.
I had stopped for lunch at a gas station on the summit of a mountain. I live on the mountain but not quite on the summit, see. I live a little further down but not at all far from the summit understand– just a quick five-minute drive. The thing about the summit is– you gotta’ have some money to live up there– what with that view and everything. Most of the people that live up there– they got these above ground pools in their yards. Yeah, that’s the kind of green we’re talking about.
They got a little gas station with a bistro attached and a couple of umbrellas thrown out for effect. They also got a hobby shop nearby, a place where you can buy those little wrapped trees for your porch and a Dollar Bush. So, again, you get the picture of the kind of place the summit is.
Anyways, I had just finished off a quarter pounder roast chuck sandwich with fries. They cut the fries into little animal shapes– makes me laugh. I’m coming out to the old girl– she’s a ’97 Neptune Argosy (big enough to camp in, I’ve done it) and a guy standing over by the pumps says, “Hey, you, the squat sort of person over there– do you want your picture taken being as how you’re on the summit of the mountain?” Hell, I’m not going to lie– I thought it was a little weird. But then I kind of came around to the idea– after all, I was on the summit. And I couldn’t think of any photos of myself with the old Neptune (except the thousands I took when I first bought her). Thought it could be something I could share with the grandchildren even though I’m going to be dead before I have any grandchildren because I’m 47 and divorced and childless and have no prospects at all because I don’t live on the summit but rather deep in the woods just on one side of the mountain but whatever, a guy can dream can’t he?
Well, this guy asks for my phone number and tries to send me the photograph. But on account of us being on the summit of a mountain, we can’t get any kind of signal and the guy says, “Hey, listen, when I get down off the summit, I’ll send this to you.” Well, I thought that was a heck of an idea so I says, “Yeah sure, do that, would you?” And he looks at me for a long time and then he says, “You bet I will.” And you know what? I could tell he meant it.
And he did. Because, sure enough, the next time I left the mountain (about two months later), there it was– popped right up on my flip-top.
And now, I can share it with you Lankville.
Pizza Cabin Launches Cookie Pizza!
By Bernie Keebler
MEANINGFUL BUSINESS NEWS
Pizza Cabin today is rolling out a 12-inch chocolate chip cookie that will be sliced like a pizza – and delivered like one, if you like.
The cookie, officially dubbed the “Ultimate Chocolate Chip Cookie that Resembles a Pizza” is part of a partnership with Royer Chocolates. It will be $7.99 with a pizza, or $8.99 separately. The cookie is available for dine-in, pick-up, air-drop, or delivery at any one of Pizza Cabin’s 87 Lankville locations.
The new Ultimate Chocolate Chip Cookie that Resembles a Pizza from Pizza Cabin.
“Everyone at Pizza Cabin is ecstatic,” said Carney Mounted, chief marketing officer. “Our fans are in for an amazing, mind-blowing experience.”
“This isn’t your everyday cookie,” Mounted continued, her alabaster skin aglow with delight as she held up one of the pizza cookies to the assembled journalists. “Look at it!” she demanded. “LOOK AT IT!” she screamed. Tension crept into the room. Mounted grew hysterical. “IT’S A COOKIE THAT LOOKS LIKE A PIZZA!” she reiterated. “HOW IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS DECENT CAN YOU CONTINUE WITHOUT EATING THIS???”
It grew darker.
The pizza cookie is an addition to Pizza Cabin’s other offering, the Ovoid Dunkers, small balls of pizza dough topped with a touch of dark chocolate and sprinkles.
“DID YOU ALL GRASP THIS?” Mounted suddenly screamed, still holding up the pizza cookie. “I NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU HAVE GRASPED THIS?”
The executive was suddenly led away by some handlers.
To highlight the cookie’s launch, Pizza Cabin will host a “bake dump” offering the cookies, with 10 percent of proceeds going to various charities.
Barlow Foods Reorganizing Several Stores
By Mrs. Larry Temple
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Ever hear of rebooting a grocery store?
Barlow Foods is in the middle of a “reset” at several of its stores, including locations in the Lankville Capital, the Deep Eastern Suburbs, and the Outlands.
“Each store is making carefully moderated changes to the general merchandise departments,” said founder and CEO John Barlow. “Some are perhaps noticeable to the observant customer. Others are small changes that customers won’t even notice.”
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.
“The bulk foods section at each store is relocating to where the Bounteous Garden Wonderland organic section was,” noted Barlow, who was interviewed in his downtown office suite. “The Bounteous Garden Wonderland organic section, which is expanding, will move to where the Holiday Card Shop was. The Holiday Card Shop will now be found behind the lockers and the Limited Soft Shoe department, where kitchen tools are currently sold.”
Barlow produced a complicated flip chart and scanned quickly through several pages.
“We already have a large inventory of organic and gluten-free products and, very soon, customers will have even more to choose from in the Bounteous Garden Wonderland which will be expanding a few aisles into the Cake, Pastry, and Filled Doughnut Department but not effecting the revolving Juice Jenny or the Cheese Wagons,” Barlow said.
The changes are being made to accommodate the product offerings added to the Bounteous Garden Wonderland section as well as an increase in the offering of Elephantine Family Bundle items – products sold in large quantities at a quantity discount.
When asked if the changes were a response to customer requests, Barlow demurred.
“Acknowledging customer requests means acknowledging a state of lawlessness. These changes are so because I have said they will be so.”
Barlow Foods has already completed the process at other stores in the Western Lankville market. The current resets should be finished by April 15th.
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man
By Chris Vitiello
The Vitiello name that graces the packaging of every decorative ham is an ancient one.
I have traced the Vitiello’s with ease back to the famed reign of Pirrapods. Many were chandlers, house men, makers of some boats. And before that, they were to be found living on the island of La Hardy, where they flourished as builders of great but senseless stone walls.
During the Lankvillian Restoration, there was Adolphus Vitiello, a respected cleric. But the name devolved after Adolphus and generation after generation produced nothing but halfwits, teethless men and the very short. And these inferiors, in turn, married other inferiors and the pool became murky and darkness descended over the name for over three hundred years.
The past century produced my great-grandfather, Randy, a drunken repairer of sashes. It is said that he was last seen vomiting into his own hat while pushing an island prostitute into a rented hut. My grandfather, known affectionately as “The Elk” but also sometimes as “Excrement”, disappeared into a small hole. And my father. You know already about him.
These men of the past century married equally despicable women. They were of no consequence and should have been whipped mercilessly.
But now the name is enjoying a rebirth. It is to be seen on millions of decorative hams all over Lankville.
And this is the sign of greatness.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK