Archive
Ric Royer from the Depths of His Heart
By Ric Royer
The Lankville Daily News is proud to present a new series by enigmatic Lankville businessman Ric Royer.
The depths of my heart are a pure place to go.
I used to think it was a place of intense confusion, horror, and lewdness and also where the past lived, but I’ve come to find that it’s really a place of deep purity, like beautiful bouncing white soap bubbles caroming gently off a bare wall and onto a lover in a towel. Some people have said that these emotions are intense and for some reason I have experienced some sort of negativity in this world. Maybe it’s the way I am taking it? Maybe it’s the way that I interpret our world? Maybe it’s because there are heart simulacra everywhere and the true heart is no longer recognizable. You know how they have those little candies?
Nevertheless, I am starting to find that this emotional intensity about life is actually simplicity itself. And therefore, I intend to get more and more emotionally intense. It will be as though there is a knob and I shall turn this knob higher everyday and all days through the rest of my life. If you want to lunch with me– say, for example, in a run-down restaurant with a hubcap attached to the desk and no exterior signage, you should expect long periods of emotional intensity. You may not even get to eat. Emotional intensity can sometimes manifest itself on tables and a full surface clearance is not out of the question. But that is purity.
In doing so, I shall link into the purity of these emotions that I have never fully experienced before.
Maybe that is life right there – fully experiencing emotions.
The depths of your heart can be a place where you go to understand the intricacies, mysteries, horrors, and sexual irregularities of this life. Those little candies are a poor substitute. Although, they are very good. I eat several hundred a day.
There are so many things that we do not understand about our world simply because we cannot see them. Sometimes, you must trust they are there. You have to be willing to put your feet forward while throwing out intense emotions everywhere all over everything before walking into a dense fog. Will it be scary? Absolutely. Will it be worth it? Oh absolutely.
Purity. Probity. Fogs.
Time and time again you must travel into the depths of your heart to find yourself. Only then, will you begin to function in a way that is truly connected and present with the world.
If you can do that, there’s no cork in the bottle of what your life can become.
President Pondicherry on Why We Won’t Be Picking Your Garbage Up Anymore
President Pondicherry
We have a place, all of us, in a long story—a story we continue, but whose conclusion we will not see. It is the story of a new Lankville that became a friend and liberator of ancient kingdoms and a servant of freedom. It is the story of a Lankville that once possessed slaves but now only occasionally possesses slaves. It is the story of a Lankville that protects but does not possess, that deflects but does not conquer and has beautiful, beautiful malls– the envy of all the world.
It is a Lankvillian story— I want you to join me in celebrating it. Our faith in freedom is a rock in a raging sea and a seed upon the wind. I want you to tell me about that seed– how it blows to you. Write me about the seed. Can you feel it when you walk in the woods? Can you taste it? I’m told that you should be able to. Write me about it– write me about it now. You know that I can’t wait to get your letters– I want them so bad.
Every day, we affirm a new commitment to live out our nation’s promise through civility, courage, shopping, and character. Lankville, at its best, matches our commitment to ethics with a concern for civility. Our concern for civility is like a great bird that goes around to different tall trees. It is majestic, glorious and strong. There will be a banner showing the bird. You can come and see it. I want you to.
Unfortunately, however, as of this coming Tuesday, there will no longer be any trash pickup in Lankville.
God Bless You and God Bless Lankville,
President Pondicherry
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
Dick Oakes, Jr.
It was a windowless, ill-lit room. I sat there for awhile. You could hear the rain on the roof.
After awhile, a big guy came in. He huffed it to the other side of the table and sat staring at me.
“This idn’t any of my business,” he said. “I’m just here to make sure you get some papers. We got charts, you know. Pie, flow, horizontal stacked bar, scatter, triangle. You name it, we got it.” He tapped a folder and then stared at his hands.
“Nobody’s going to god damn catch me unawares,” he whispered.
I couldn’t figure on any of it.
A woman came in. She was a big girl, selling it pretty well up front but the back was shot to hell. When she sat down opposite me, her chair squeaked resentfully.
She talked me through it and I nodded along idiotically. I could barely pay attention. Buck up Oakes I kept saying to myself. You wanna’ be a charity case all your life? It didn’t matter none though.
When it was all over, she said, “I’ll give you a tour.”
We stood up.
“What about the papers? I got my charts to do,” the big guy said.
“Later.”
I followed the woman out. The big guy had taken a chair and slammed it down on the table. You could hear pieces of it flying all over the place. Nobody seemed to give a damn though.
We came to a big open office with no windows. Boxes of garbage crammed into the corners. The floor was covered in scratched and streaked tiles. Bunch of grey-skinned middle-aged women wearing men’s clothing sitting in cubicles. There was something chilling about it. I couldn’t piece it together none.
We approached a closet with a battered steel door.
“And this is our kitchen,” my tour guide noted. “The microwave doesn’t work. We put in for one months ago but…” She trailed off.
She saw me staring at the blood that faintly stained one wall.
“Yes, someone killed themselves in here. We should…probably paint…” She trailed off again.
Two days later I was entering senseless data into a computer.
OPINION: It is an Injustice that My Novels Have Not Garnered a Wider Audience
By Cust Shirley, Novelist
IMPORTANT OPINIONS
I began writing 25 years ago.
In that time, I have produced 16 novels, countless short stories and several chapbooks of humorous poetry. I have penned essays, critical reviews, travel accounts and even a novella written entirely in rhymed couplets. And if you think that’s easy to do, my friend, then I invite you to try it. Hell, you can even use my desk and sleep in my guest room if you want to give it a shot.
But despite all this work, I bet you haven’t heard of me, right? Why?
Because of a grave injustice. Let me explain.
My first novel The Shed Out Back was a realistic story of a love-hungry girl in the Lankville scrublands. I actually spent several months in the scrublands just so I could get the feel of the place. It paid off. I ended up with what I thought was a masterpiece. Here’s a sample:
In the end, Gretchen was a one-man woman– a woman who could give only one man the full passion of her being– the wild, unheeding surrender of a scrubland animal. Cliff may have been the wrong man– he probably was the wrong man but it didn’t matter. Because scrubland trash loves it that way.
If you can’t get excited by the power of the written word over that paragraph, then we better start checking your pulse.
Anyway, the novel gets printed and comes out in some selected bookstores in the Lankville scrubland and peninsula areas. It gets reviewed– in this very paper, no less by a man who shall remain nameless. And this is what that reviewer wrote:
The Shed Out Back is the printed equivalent of vomit. And also, piss and shit.
I will never forget those lines. But I would not be deterred. I pressed on.
More novels followed in quick succession. Jezebel in the Meadows, Square and Bare, Hard Phil, High Pillows in the Snowy Region, Demon Experiences in Many Lands. Each and every one– a gem in my mind (and the minds of my wife and some of our friends, I should add!) And every time– the same kind of review or some version of it. Here’s what that same reviewer said about Hard Phil:
If you’ve ever wondered if it were possible that a pile of dung could be run through a printing press, bound and sold in bookstores, then pick up a copy of Hard Phil.
Can you god damn believe that? I told my wife that if I ever ran into that guy…
I pressed on. I completed a trilogy of novels about a quartet of overly-endowed revolutionary women and some bears who live in medieval times. The bears talk like humans and it’s sort of about the complex interactions that they might have if there were these overly-endowed revolutionary women around. I add further bears in the second volume and then several child bears with oversized heads in the third novel (they are meant to be from another planet). Then, everyone actually travels to another planet. It was a deeply personal work coming as it did at the zenith of my creative powers and when I sent it off to the publisher, I thought to myself “Shirley, you’ve done it. The first truly important work of our new century.” Then, I waited.
And waited. And waited.
Finally, I called Herb Howard over at Night Pyramid Books. I said, “Herb, what the hell’s going on over there?”
And he said, “I’m sorry, Cust. But we won’t be publishing the Nude in Orbit Trilogy. It’s just…” He sputtered out. I slammed the phone down.
And you know what I did? I published the god damn thing myself.
I got copies for $19.95, $29.95 for the signed deluxe edition. You wanna’ correct an injustice? Buy one.
You WILL NOT be disappointed.
The opinions of Cust Shirley are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Royer to Purchase “Burger Rex” Franchise
Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Eccentric Lankville business magnate Ric Royer announced today he will purchase a Burger Rex franchise in Eastern Lankville. Royer has long been a patron and social media enthusiast of the chain and of the Eastern Lankville location in particular.
“It’s my favorite of the many Burger Rex franchises,” noted Royer at an early morning press conference which was held on a log raft in the middle of a lake. “They have paintings of heaven all over the walls and booths shaped like automobiles which create the illusion that you’re driving while you’re eating your food. The booths and the paintings of heaven come with the restaurant.”
Retro automobile booth. Note the man crying in the background.
Royer noted that he will make only a few alterations to his new endeavor.
“I’ll add some more paintings of heaven. Otherwise, the tableau is perfect.”
The executive played the hero at the restaurant in an incident in January when he repelled several youths who were taunting an elderly woman.
“With the exception of some unwarranted sexual situations, [the restaurant] has exhibited model behavior since,” Royer averred. “I look forward to owning the restaurant and maybe, sometimes, living there.”
Royer will assume ownership on April 1.
OPINION: I’ve Been Punched in the Mouth at the Doctor’s Office Before, I’ll Be Punched in the Mouth at the Doctor’s Office Again
By Dick La Hoyt
OUTSTANDING OPINIONS
Yeah, this is some breaking news for that asspipe that punched me in the mouth at the doctor’s office the other day. Guess what, shit-clown? I’ve been punched in the mouth at the doctor’s office before and I’ll be punched in the mouth at the doctor’s office again.
So, I’m just sitting around Dr. Yothers’ waiting room, minding my own business, skimming through an old issue of Lingus Nets Illustrated and this tough guy comes strolling in. He makes some small talk with the nurse Karen and then he sits down a couple of chairs away from me. Whole time, I’m thinking what the hell is this prick’s problem? but I keep my thoughts to myself. Dick La Hoyt ain’t no troublemaker, know what I mean?
Next thing I know, this guy comes horning in on the magazine table. I’m like WHOA BUDDY! BACK OFF! THESE MAGAZINES ARE SPOKEN FOR! and I put my arms out quickly to signify that I’m ready for a dance if it comes to that.
“You’ve been punched in the mouth.”
This retard is all like, “All the magazines are spoken for? There’s twenty magazines here!” and I’m like YOU GOTTA’ PROBLEM WITH THAT, BUDDY, WE CAN TAKE THIS SHIT OUTSIDE and Karen, the nurse is all like This is a doctor’s office, this is a doctor’s office and one thing leads to another and the next thing you know, this cock fiddler is bucking, there’s some back and forth around the magazine table and then, BANG, the shitheel clocks me right in the mouth.
I wake up on a table in Dr. Yothers’ office. He’s sitting on a stool doing a word puzzle. He’s got this whole thing about word puzzles.
“Feeling better Mr. La Hoyt?” He hands me an ice pack. My lip is all busted to hell and a tooth feels loose.
“Where’s that horse’s ass?” I say.
“I sent him away. Just rest, Mr. La Hoyt. You’ve been punched in the mouth.”
Sure, sure, I’d been punched in the mouth, doc. But I just want that sack of shit to know it– ain’t the first time and it won’t be the last.
The opinions of Dick La Hoyt are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
My Recovery: A Physical and Spiritual Journey
Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
Much more was broken than just my wrist when I slipped on that ice. Much more.
And that’s why I attended a Warrior Training Adventure.
It was a group of about 30 men. In line with our commitment to ecological awareness, we were asked to utilize alternative methods of transportation to the training site. I rolled myself there in a wagon.
I was guided on my adventure by a bearded man in a sweater vest named Keith. Keith was not aware of my expertise on the subject matter of men’s feelings and, therefore, I had trouble respecting his methods. Nevertheless, other men may find some of the activities useful in working through some of their own physical or spiritual “fractures”.
DAY ONE OF THE ADVENTURE
The Separation: This is about moving away from the familiar. Keith elected to go with team-building exercises and a low ropes course (methods which are now generally regarded as antiquated) as well as indoor group exercises wherein the modern male psyche is purged of accountability, leadership, confrontation and competition. Dinner consisted of a light rice dish and some gelatin.
DAY TWO OF THE ADVENTURE
The Long Descent: An exploration of authentic male emotion, conflict, crying, purpose, and healthy restrained power. Keith elected to revisit the horrors of our individual lives (we went over time during this segment as I found that I couldn’t stop talking) and building connections to the challenges ahead. Lunch, which consisted of roughly-cut meats and uncooked roots, was hidden in the woods.
The Ordeal: A challenge to embrace full authentic masculinity, to step into raw power, and to experience the full potential of mature manhood. Keith elected to go with the “round cushion hunt”– a recreation of primal aggression and war (with the cushions replacing weapons) and we split into teams. Unfortunately, Keith gave me a bright orange pintuck cushion with button tufts that could be easily seen in the forest. I was captured almost immediately.
The Initiation: Accepting responsibility as a man among men. Exploration of group dynamics, diversity, more crying and similarity. A test of solidarity and trust (Keith elected to go with the hackneyed “falling into each other’s arms” exercise which I disagreed with). I also voiced my complaint about the round cushion hunt. As punishment, I was kept out of the first circle of men. Later, I wrote an obscene poem about Keith on a bathroom stall which I now regret.
DAY THREE OF THE ADVENTURE
The Integration: An exploration of legacy, connection, fear, purpose, relationships and intention. Understanding our connections to nature and men and feelings. All of which, I was unable to participate in because Keith found out about the poem.
The Joyous Ceremony: A feast of victory held on some picnic tables. I sat off on my own. Nevertheless, the fierce and rigorous self-examination has been beneficial to me. My wrist feels better and my feelings feel better.
We will be incorporating some of these methods in our next FEELINGS, NOW! session.
Mouthy, Sanctimonious 24-Year Old Hasn’t Produced Any Trash in 3 Years
Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
At first glance, Gretchen Chairley seems like a typical 24-year-old post-graduate living in Lankville City. Clad in a baggy, shapeless blouse, leather vest and foreign shorts, Chairley’s style is congruent with her parent-subsidized two-bedroom apartment in a South Lankville City development.
While most of us who have jobs utilize “trash cans”, Chairley has a jar.
But a further look beyond the shabby-chic decor and exotic plants reveals something unexpected. A small jar filled with a collection of colorful wrappers, slivers of plastic, an apple and a candy cane sit atop her spotless kitchen counter.
“That’s my trash for the last three years,” she says with a smug, self-satisfied smile.
Indeed, Chairley has barely produced any garbage since she began subscribing to a “Nullity-Waste Lifestyle” three years ago. The idea behind the “Nullity-Waste Lifestyle”, developed by a series of glib, bombastic hippies in 2007, is to eliminate anything that will end up in a landfill or that cannot be pompously composted by Chairley in her self-aggrandizing smart-alecky zero-responsibility day-to-day life– a life that she pretentiously crows on about on her electronic web station site “Trash is For Dumpers”.
As an environmental studies major at Lankville City University, she felt like a “hypocrite” for nattering on about sustainability but still owning a traditional trash can. “I decided to remove plastic from my life entirely,” noted the hifalutin’ self-applauding undergraduate. “I don’t even own a toothbrush or deodorant,” she added haughtily.
Chairley talks about her la-di-da lifestyle.
That meant spending her ample free time finding alternatives to everyday items and crafting several on her own. “I spent quite a bit of time with a wood craftsman learning how to fashion a toothbrush out of oak shavings and horse hair that fell out of the horse naturally, of course,” Chairley pontificated. “I spent a ton of time just waiting around a horse for that.”
Despite her self-absorbed, imperious lifestyle, Singer says she hasn’t really changed– she’s just found alternative means to live her “better than everybody else” life.
“I don’t have to be a stereotype to live a sustainable lifestyle. I just have to be me. My taste is the same. I enjoy the same things. I just don’t make trash and I’m going to tell you all about it for many, many years.”
Chairley’s rants may also be found on scanit.com and as a mobile application on your “Reckoner”.
New Mall to Feature Roaring Chasms of Fire
By Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
The newly-built Grand Southern Expansive Cement Grove Mall will feature roaring chasms of fire, sources are confirming.
“People have grown tired of those tiled pools they have in most malls where the fount kind of spurts out inconsistently like a urinating grandfather,” noted architect Mike Squatch. “And all those pennies. You wouldn’t believe the Island-Person man-hours spent picking pennies out of the bottom of fountains. It’s ridiculous.”
“We have eliminated the weak-streamed fountain, pennies and Island people all in one step,” Squatch added. “With roaring chasms of fire.”
Squatch says that Southern Expansive will feature four roaring chasms of fire, placed conveniently near staircases and elevators.
Squatch working on the fire chasms.
“I mean, if you want to throw a penny in one, by all means. It’s just going to get burned to hell,” Squatch noted as a giant smirk appeared across his face.
Mall Age Magazine, Lankville’s premier mall periodical, is embracing the innovation.
“There are different modes of production of fountains (i.e., fountainization) from both natural space to more complex spatialities where the fountain is socially produced,” noted Mall Age Magazine critic and editor Barry Games, who was interviewed at the edge of a copse. “What we’re seeing from Squatch is an analysis of the fountain as a three-part dialectic between everyday mall practices and perceptions, representations or theories of fountain space and then, finally, the spatial fountains of our time. It’s quite an achievement.”
Games was suddenly attacked by a lion and the interview was ended prematurely.
Southern Expansive is due to open in April.
Ask Catrin
Catrin Lloyd-Bollard answers all your questions.
Dear Ms. Catrin,
I don’t know, my son is asking me to build an igloo with him in the backyard. Thing is, there isn’t any snow around. You can’t build a god damn igloo without snow can you? Plus, there’s the clothesline to worry about. It’s unseemly. I don’t know, what should I do?
Fretting Mom
High Lankville Woodlands
Dear Fretting,
This is an excellent opportunity to foster your son’s creativity and imagination. Hold a fun brainstorming session with him. Locate a pad of paper and a large chisel tipped marker. Allow your son to use the marker. This will give him the opportunity to practice his penmanship and organizational skills. Have him write at the top, “Igloos can be made out of any of the following materials:” and then let the creative juices flow! Encourage your son to think “outside of the box.” I have started the list for you, to get you going:
Igloos can be made out of any of the following materials: 1.) Mud 2.) Woven sticks 3.) Tattered clothes stuck together with paste 4.) Poor people hired to shelter you with their bodies 5.) Igloos 6.) Snow 7.) Balloons
Go Team!
Catrin
———-
Dear Ms. Catrin,
My wife and I eat out in many different places and tipping has always been a great problem for us (we fundamentally don’t believe in it). I thought you might be interested in our solution to this problem.
Now, instead of leaving a tip, we leave a beautiful religious tract. These inspiring spiritual messages are a great force for good and I’m sure they’ve had a wondrous effect on the many waitresses that we have left them for.
It is true, however, that my wife was killed in a challenge. Nevertheless, I will carry on our tradition.
Ken
Special Lankville Fjords
Dear Ken,
There’s a corner store on my block that sells loose cigarettes, three for a dollar. The establishment has no electricity and conducts business by flashlight. The walls are covered with shelves upon shelves of DVD cases, available for rent. The DVDs are arranged haphazardly, with no discernible organizational scheme whatsoever.
I went in for my looseys yesterday and placed four quarters down on the counter. “Three, please,” I said. The shop keep placed an entire unopened back of Lankvoort 100s in front of me. “Thank you,” I said.
An entire pack of Lankvoort 100s for just one dollar — can you imagine that? Now that’s a deal.
Unwittingly yours,
Ms. Catrin
———-
Dear Ms. Catrin,
If a woman marries a widower with children, she then becomes stepmother to the children, right?
What happens if they get divorced and he marries again? Is wife number two still the stepmother or does wife number three become the stepmother? What if both are lost say, in the woods and he marries a fourth woman? Then, I’m guessing, wife number four would definitely be the stepmother. But I’m really confused.
Confused in the Lankville Outer Regions
Dear Confused,
Identity is an ever-flowing, ever-changing performance. Don’t let labels define you. We are all many things: step mother, boating enthusiast, arsonist, collector of plush children’s toys, lactose intolerant. We all can, if we so choose, traverse the infinite length of the identity spectrum throughout our short, unfulfilling lives.
I love you,
Ms. Catrin
———-
Dear Ms. Catrin,
I went camping with a prospective life-partner recently and the tent collapsed. My life-partner didn’t seem too concerned about it, just kept staring at the raging fire and whispering, “Let it alone, let it alone” over and over again. Later, a fervent wind came along and took the tent up into some trees. I had to sleep in the car.
What should I do in the future?
Pat W. Green
Western Pines
Dear Pat,
Murder usually is an effective solution.
Yours,
Ms. Catrin
———-
Dear Ms. Catrin,
Catrin, I never had a date in high school. I remember how out of it I felt when Monday morning would come along and all the other girls were talking about the fun they had at the Coconut House or the Casa Montecristo or the Big Stadium.
Recently, I went to my high school reunion and many of the men that I would have given my eyeteeth to date in high school came up and told me how much they admired me, saying they had been awed by my height (I am 6’8) and athletic ability (I’m really good at Handbats). They said they regretted not asking me for a date and it was their loss!
That made up for all the pain I felt as a teenager. I thought you’d like to know.
Bonnie Patrick-Dean
Showy Northern Suburban Area
Dear Bonnie,
Thank you for sharing. Your wisdom, I believe, will provide some succor to today’s suffering generation of grotesquely-oversized high school girls, lacking in dates, friends and personality. I cannot particularly relate to this problem, as I had so many dates in high school that I couldn’t keep the doctor away. But yes, Bonnie, indeed — sometimes our lot in life does improve with time.
However, ladies, don’t get your hopes up too high. Chances are, you will have to make do with a life-long commitment to your extensive collection of plush children’s toys. Although I have heard that Brian Schropp is single and looking.
Regrettably yours,
Ms. Catrin
———-
Dear Ms. Catrin,
I made a New Year’s Resolution to stop buying balloons but I am finding it harder and harder to refrain. So far, I am hanging in there because I know it’s probably better for me in the long run but still, I am not convinced it is as terrible as people make it out to be. I know some people who are quite old and have been buying balloons since they were 20. What is your opinion on the issue of buying balloons?
Tara Crown-Flowers
The Hills
———-
Dear Tara,
It’s an unpopular opinion, and some may accuse me of enabling — or, even worse, of suffering from addiction myself — but I am of the mind that one cannot buy too many balloons. What better feeling is there than to wake up in the morning to a sunlit bedroom full of glistening balloons? Or, even better, to lay flat on your back, gazing up past the shoulder of your indefatigable lover upon a bedroom ceiling covered in bright, bloated balloons?
And there is nothing quite so magical as a balloon hovering midway between floor and ceiling, having lost just enough of its helium to keep itself suspended in midair, like a humming bird.
Our time on Earth is short, Tara, and one must enjoy with abandon the simple pleasures life has to offer.
Always and forever yours,
Ms. Catrin
Royer to Appear Nude
By Dennis Updatables
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Enigmatic Lankville businessman Ric Royer will appear nude in a pictorial magazine appearing on newsstands today.
The magazine– CAUTION: MEN! are believed to have paid Royer $10 billion (Lankville) for the photographs.
“Everyone knows that Rock [sic] is a sex symbol in and around Lankville,” noted magazine editor Clint Knepper, who founded CAUTION: MEN! in 1987. “We have been in negotiations with Ric for quite some time. At first, we offered food and a tall ladder, then we went back and forth for awhile, and finally we landed on the amount [of $10 billion].”
Royer, who was interviewed while attending an ambiguous outdoor pageant, downplayed the pictorial.
One of the Royer nude photographs (money shot removed).
“It’s just me lying in a bed with some shorts on. Then, I take the shorts off. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to enjoy this pageant.”
Royer turned towards the stage and watched carefully as a series of actors shot dangerous fireworks into the crowd.
Some are decrying the photographs.
Ida Rumpus, occasional Lankville Daily News contributor and chairman of the Lankville Probity Board, called the images “pornography.”
“You could argue that the images themselves are not lewd (although they are) but they are made lewder by the captions that the magazine printed. Taken all together, they are most certainly filth.”
The captions in question read, “I have a strong tongue and I can take it to the hoop” and “Christmas Shorts”.
“[Ric] wrote those himself,” noted Knepper. “In fact, he insisted on them.”
Rumpus says she will protest the appearance of the magazine today.
“There’s no place [in Lankville] for this sort of garbage. CAUTION, MEN! needs to learn that pornography leads to pizza stripping and challenges. These are things we’d like to see gone from our landscape.”
So, You Daft Assholes Will Debate the Fucking Color of a Pair of Pants but You Won’t Read the Lankville Daily News?
By Marles Cundiff, Editor-in-Chief
A LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
I just want to try to get something straight.
Basically, you daft bunch of assholes will stare endlessly at a picture of a god damn pair of pants but you won’t read the Lankville Daily News?
I got that about right?
For example, our analytics indicate that five million more people debated the fucking color of this pair of pants nonsense than read Elliott Cumber-Lanny’s important, dare I say groundbreaking report on the deadly snowbank. And evidently over seven million more people stared at these pants than read Gump Tibbs’ penetrating interview with female contributor Sarah Samways.
Are you a bunch of pig-headed mongoloids?
We work hard at the Lankville Daily News to bring you hard-hitting reports, important, modern opinions, innovative electronics articles and up-to-the minute bumpkin notices.
And all so you screwsticks can natter on endlessly about whether a cheap, shitty pair of pants are blue, yellow, or green.
FUCK OFF,
Marles Cundiff,
Editor-in-Chief
REPORT: Hundreds Have Disappeared Into Local Snowbank
Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
It was just after dusk when Lankville Partial-Ice Regions resident Karl Chappas went out for a quick trip to the store. He never returned.
“He said he was going out for some cheese,” said Chappas’ wife Louise-Janet. “What kind of an asshole walks out at night for some cheese?”
In another section of the Partial-Ice Regions, barrel-maker Glenn Grapes left work early. “He wanted to get an early start on some barrels,” noted his son Glenn, Jr. “He was generally kind of a cocksucker that way.”
What happened to Chappas, Grapes and hundreds of other Lankvillians?
They are believed to have fallen victim to a local snowbank. A snowbank that takes everything and gives nothing in return. A snowbank that, despite the fact that it’s really cold and not at all like hell, IS HELL.
[The] snowbank that, despite the fact that it’s really cold and not at all like hell, IS HELL.
“I doubt we’ll be getting all these awful, stupid people out until Spring,” Gee-Temple added.
For now, the families will have to wait.
“I’d like some closure, sure,” noted Louise-Janet Chappas, who we interviewed while she crouched luridly on a pool table in a nearby bar. “Still, I’ve moved on. As I said before, Karl was always going out for cheese. Who the hell needs that in a partner?”
Does Chappas not feel sorry for the families of the other victims of this frigid tomb?
“There’s got to be a reason why somebody gets trapped in a fucking snowbank. Whether it’s pointless, idiotic cheese errands or getting a start on a barrel like that other asshole. I don’t even understand that- “getting an early start on a barrel”. I mean, what the Christ?”
“Pretty certain that’s going to be the m.o. on all these people,” Chappas added.
For now though, there are no answers. There are only questions. Questions that cannot penetrate the forbidding, bitter cold of the unspeakable snowbank.
Et tu snowbank?
Nothing.
Elliott Cumber-Lanny won a trophy for this report.
Gump Penetrates
By Gump Tibbs
It’s time for another penetrating interview with Gump Tibbs. Today, Gump interviews contributing female Sarah Samways.
GT: So, you have that little area in the paper where you are a female who contributes?
SS: Yes, I started out covering the economics/business section but it quickly grew into other things like interviewing old ladies in the middle of nowhere who would push me into empty pickle barrels. It’s been quite the rush!
GT: Absolutely fascinating! Do you often contribute?
Samways in the Snow. It’s been snowing a lot.
SS: I contribute as much as possible. If I’m not eating, sleeping, or wrestling with condiments, I’m contributing. Lankville is an interesting place with lots of people begging for their stories to be told. It’s a journalistic endeavor that I’m proud to be a part of.
GT: Wait, they beg?
SS: Actually, they kind of demand it. People often see my press badge and will come up to me on the street and they won’t stop talking until I promise to write something about them. Lankville’s citizens aren’t shy in the least.
GT: (laughs) They really aren’t! What other things do you contribute to?
SS: Right now I maintain a digital workstation at SARAHSAMWAYS.COM where I take a break from the hard-hitting news that Lankville provides, and focus on sad-girl-poetry. Ya know, it’s something to do.
GT: Really terrific! You won a trophy a few months back. How did that feel?
SS: Amazing! I really wasn’t expecting it. I mean, now I always have a speech prepared wherever I go just in case hell freezes over again. But really, it was super fantastic!
GT: Just fabulous! You have a lot of wonderful adventures. Do you want to go fire guns into some old cars at the dump?
SS: It would be an honor!
Tibbs and Samways ran off and the interview was ended prematurely.
Let Me Help You With Your Elevator Ride
By a device inside an elevator.
OUTSTANDING OPINIONS
Let me help you with your elevator ride.
It doesn’t matter how far you’re going. Doesn’t matter if you’re going all the way up to the fifth floor or all the way down to the basement where they have those weird heavy air tanks and the rolling bins of cardboard that never move. I’ll take you there. You and me baby.
During our ride together, I will break things down for you. Just look at the ersatz wood paneling around me, focus on it, let your mind wander a little. If you want to smoke, that’s okay with me, if you want to drink, go ahead. Just let me do the driving.
Put your head down, darling. I’ll take you there. Nobody else but me and you.
Hold on to the rails. Might keep you from falling over. Because once I pick up speed, I’m not stopping. You wouldn’t want me to stop. It’ll be a little rough but you like it rough. Don’t you, baby? Don’t you?
Eventually though, I’m going to stop. You won’t even know it. It’s going to be like someone dropped you on a downy feather bed in the sky. You’ll hear the little electronic “ding”– you’ll be breathless by then. And you’re going to be all, “Oh, are we there?” and I’m going to be all, “Oh yeah, we’re there baby. We made it. Together.”
That’s when the doors will open.
I’ll see you again.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK