Archive
I’m Gonna Beat the Piss Out of that Guy at the Men’s Shop
Fingers Rolly
REMONSTRATIONS OF FINGERS ROLLY
I like a normal white button-up shirt. You can maybe sell me on a restrained checked pattern but that’s about fucking it. Don’t even come near me with one of those wild god damn jungle-themed horseshit shirts with the tigers all over it. You do and I’ll kick your dick in, I will that.
So, the other day, I’m just standing around at the stack of dress shirts that sit in the middle of the men’s store like some sort of beckoning pyramid. I’ve got a low wail going because I’m thinking about that absolute whore of a desert, that brown sweeping slut of tumbleweeds and I’m also tearing the plastic wrapper off shirts indiscriminately. I escalated to a medium-level scream after a few minutes.
That’s when this horse’s ass comes over.
“Sir, sir, these shirts must stay sealed. They are direct from the factory.”
He bent over the big pile of shirts and plastic wrap like he was picking up a god damn fancypants tea set.
The Fashion Elephant
“I’ll take my belt off,” I threatened. He looked at me– he had some little tight suit on, clearly he was a twilighter.
“These shirts will stay sealed. And you sir, can GET OUT!”
He escorted me out of the store and into the mall corridor. Some fucker was there in a clown suit with balloons. I looked down at the little silver strip on the floor– the strip that separates individual stores from the communal corridor.
“The Fashion Elephant no longer wants your business,” the guy added by means of a finale.
But by then it no longer mattered. By then, I was full thrust in thinking of that mongrel bitch of a desert.
I screamed into the clown’s face and don’t remember anything after that.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: I Will Box You
By Ric Royer
One day, I walked into a gym in a lower-class Island neighborhood. I walked right up to the ring and smashed a bottle of orange soda into the canvas. The boxers looked up.
“I will box you,” I said. The orange soda seeped towards their shoes.
“Get in here, you fuckin’ frog,” said the boxer. His manager, clad in protective gear, backed away.
I was wearing a bathrobe, some camoflauge short pants and a pair of penny loafers into which I had shoved quarters for effect.
“Hey, better get the frog some trunks, maybe some shoes,” called the manager, now outside the ring, relieving himself of his protective burden.
They brought me some proper gear and a small group of Islanders gathered around the ring. The manager rang the bell. Within three seconds I was hit by an uppercut and collapsed into the ropes. I recall a short burst of cheering and then nothing.
Hours later, I was in an outdoor chaise-lounge by a pond. I had a terrific headache.
“That’s what you get for egging on that Island boxer,” said a little man, who sat off among the reeds. He was clad in ancient, unfashionable clothes and wore small grandma glasses. Clouds approached from the east.
“After the fight, well, I don’t know if I can call it that– after your destruction, the Islanders strapped you to a chair and marched you around the pizza block. That’s where they have all those pizza restaurants. They took you in and out of some of the restaurants. They bought a pizza and shoved a lot of it in your hair. I tried my best to get the sauce out but you really should have a shower.”
The little man handed me a glass of iced tea. I took a sip. It was awful.
“Yes, that is awful iced tea,” he agreed. “It’s pond iced tea. This pond is all iced tea.”
“I’ve never…”
“No, it’s completely unique in the world. You would not have.”
We watched the sun go down together.
This Woman Came to Renew Her License– She Didn’t Notice that We Had Balloons Though!
By Dennis Updatables, Lankville Motor Vehicle House
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
I saw her when she walked through the door. Pretty little thing– she looked lost, confused, maybe she’d never had a license before, maybe she didn’t know how to renew her current license, who knew? I was about to find out.
First though, I figured she would check out our balloon selection.
That’s right. We’ve got balloons now. The Lankville Motor Vehicle House has balloons!
Boy, was I all wrong though. She walked straight by ’em, straight up to my little service counter where I have the nice plaque that says “Dennis Updatables”. That’s the handle my parents gave me, God love ’em.
“I’m here to…renew my license,” she said. She looked down at the floor. Shy little thing, that’s alright. I just tried to make her feel comfortable.
Mrs. Lawrence W. Bundles
“Have a seat, Miss…?”
“Mrs,” she corrected. “Mrs. Lawrence W. Bundles.”
“Well, Mrs. Bundles, what can we do for you here at the Lankville Motor Vehicle House?” I sort of nodded towards the balloons. They were right behind her.
“I need to renew my license. I…I don’t drive much, Mr. Updatables. I…well…there was an accident some time ago and…”. She trailed off.
“Accidents can happen to anybody,” I said, smiling. I nodded towards the balloons again. She sure wasn’t biting though.
“It was a terrible…terrible accident Mr. Updatables. My husband…Mr. Bundles…hasn’t been the same since.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, Mrs. Bundles.” Why wasn’t she noticing the balloons? Balloons make everyone feel better. They were right behind her– right over her shoulder practically.
“But, I need to be able to drive him to the clinic. You see, his cousin, who is also named Lawrence W. Bundles– well, he tripped on carpet that hadn’t been nailed down properly and fell into a mine shaft. Oh, it’s terrible, Mr. Updatables.”
She began crying. What can you do for someone though? Someone who can’t see the balm to soothe their pain, the balm that is within reach, so close…so close.
I patted her on the back and some of the ladies took her to an office in the back and gave her a little paper cone of water from the cooler.
It was too bad. Too bad for Mrs. Lawrence W. Bundles.
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
It was mid-afternoon when I got off the bus. It was getting towards the end, I knew it. It was just a matter of finding a room.
I wandered into town. The sidewalks were in deep oppressive shadow but it was hot as hell. There was a fat lady in a floral-patterned dress standing in front of a pharmacy. She was reading a magazine that had a bunch of igloos on the cover. She looked me up and down as I passed by– I didn’t know what the hell to make of it.
I reached the end of town, then doubled back to the pharmacy. The fat lady was still there. She had tossed the igloo magazine into the street and was now staring at a calendar. Her fat finger slowly passed over each day of the month, then switched to the next month and continued the same. It was all senseless- who knew what to do with it?
I bought a couple of razors and a pack of cheap cigarettes. “You want some shaving cream? We got a new brand in that’s a soothing green color. The gel protects your face from nicks, cuts, and irritation– leaves you feeling refreshed and rejuvenated,” the young guy behind the counter said. He was enthusiastic– really wanted to help me. You had to admire it. But I knew I wouldn’t need it and declined. As I was leaving, I turned around to see the kid fiddling with a shotgun. I moved a little faster.
It was down at the other end– just a mean god damn place done up after a border style twenty years out of fashion and built into a rough, brown hill like someone had shoved it there angrily– like they had said get the hell in there, you abominable little godless motel. Nothing but hate, pigheadedness and perversity, done up in white enamel.
The guy behind the counter looked the part. About seven foot tall, hairless– he never said a word but slammed the coins down on the laminate counter enough to crack it through. He pushed a desk calendar with a saturated photo of the place and an ashtray towards me before stalking off towards the office.
I looked out towards the parking lot– empty, stained and streaked with oil and tire tread and then headed off to the room.
There was a scratchy blue bedspread with a pink blanket over top, made so tight that I could barely get into the damn thing. I pictured that same dark, looming figure, angry as all hell, preparing the rooms with a convulsive fury. I’ll bounce a whole roll of quarters off this god damn bed, this god damn cradle of impiety, of vice. I will bounce a god damn pie plate off it I heard him say. It seemed real– like he was in the room with me. I didn’t know what the hell to make of it.
I lay there for a long time. When I got up, it was dark. The guy hadn’t put any outside lights on at all– I stumbled around for awhile until I found a chintzy desk lamp that put out a sinister little beam of light. I heard the guy suddenly– this time I knew it was him. He was out there in the breezeway, fiddling with an ice machine. Want some god damn ice? HERE’S some god damn ice. I could hear the bucket crash against the access door. 1/4 pound of ice per god damn second– what do you grotesque abominations think of that?
What do you?
That last, directed at me.
I fumbled with the razor. There was a second boom, louder, like the entire ice machine had been tipped over. And then the guy was going at the compressor with his boot– over and over again, plastic and metal being sent into a dangerous ricochet against the concrete walls and the guy just howling now.
I found my sports jacket– removed the tattered bus schedule from an inner pocket.
Damned if I remember how I got out of there.
OPINION: If I Ever Wear a Shirt, I’ll Be Killed
By Peter O’Calendar-Bays
OUTSTANDING, MODERN OPINIONS
If I ever wear a shirt, I’ll be killed.
That’s why you don’t see me in one. Arm prisons. Chest prisons. They’ll kill you. Why would you want that? If I had to wear a shirt everyday like the rest of you rubes, I’d cut my own throat. That’s why I’ve organized it so I don’t have to wear one. Hell, I don’t even own one anymore. Know what’s in my bureau? Just leaves. Piles of leaves. That’s all.
Also, I will actually be killed if I wear one. Somebody will kill me. Rub me out like a pair of old shoes disappearing into a charity bin. That’d be the end of it. I know that now.
That’s why I stand in front of my house. I don’t stand there all the time but I do stand there a lot. With no shirt on, of course. Just a pair of khaki shorts. I do have a bureau drawer dedicated to khaki shorts.
Who wouldn’t?
The opinions of Peter O’Calendar Bays are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Royer Knighted in Solemn Wet Hill Ceremony
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Sir Ric
Eccentric Lankville businessman Ric Royer was knighted today in a solemn ceremony that took place on a wet hill.
After a mysterious breakfast of pancakes that suddenly morphed into waffles, Royer was made to lean on a green hassock before President Pondicherry. The President touched each of Royer’s shoulders with a sword and then presented the executive with a series of medals, a framed poster of a turtle emerging from a mossy rock and a small crown.
“Sir Ric represents all that is exceptional about Lankville,” declared the President. “His is an intellectual life marked with scholasticism but also a warrior’s life marked with heroism, bravery, gallantry and only killing people when he really has to.”
“It’s an interesting feeling,” Royer remarked after the ceremony. “I had never before thought of being knighted but now that I am knighted, I can’t imagine not being a knight. People should really celebrate this occasion. It’s a tremendous victory for knights everywhere.”
As part of his knighthood, Royer will have access to many Lankville malls after hours.
“I have experienced the mall after hours before but this will give me wider access to a lot more malls,” Royer noted, with obvious pleasure.
Royer is the first Lankvillian knighted since 2011.
Madison Fights Lion, Tank
By Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Wunderkind inventor Danny Madison fought a lion and a tank this morning, sources are reporting.
The 12-year old boy genius held a press conference to introduce his new “Repelletron Skywalk”, a device which instantly creates moving walkways when he was suddenly attacked by the lion and the tank.
The lion and the tank were defeated.
Big day for Danny Madison.
“Clearly, the lion and the tank had reasons for keeping my Repelletron Skywalk a secret,” Madison noted after the spirited rhubarb.
Madison then proceeded to describe his latest innovation.
“The Repelletron Skywalk is in response to a series of green objects that I saw hovering over a field last week. At first, I invented a cohort of robot astronauts equipped with 3-D TV cameras as “eyes”. I called them “Video Vikings”. Anyway, the “Video Vikings” failed in their objective so I have created this device which utilizes rays to create moving walkways to the sky. In this manner, I shall investigate the green objects personally.”
Madison received a standing ovation from the small crowd of assembled reporters.
“Thank you,” responded the whiz-kid. “Now, I understand there are some round bite-size doughnut remains at the back of the room?”
Unfortunately, the round bite-size doughnut remains had already been eaten.
“I’m disappointed,” noted Madison, who activated the Repelletron Skywalk through a window and vacated the room, ending the press conference prematurely.
The Electronics Cranny: Make Your Own Fuzz Box
By Fritz Tennis
Apart from the usual tone knobs, there are at least three different electronic effects that are currently in vogue among individual guitar operators and pop groups. They are:
(a) Echo or Reverberation- effected by a tape delay or a mechanical delay. This is made evident as a periodic recurrence of a single sound.
(b) Vibrato– sometimes mistakenly called “The Patrick Lalime Pitch”- is produced by mixing a fixed low frequency oscillation with a signal from the guitar operator.
(c) Fuzz Box- a harsh yet not unpleasant sound effected by wave shaping circuits. The impact of this contrived distribution is more evident on low frequencies or if the Fuzz Box is placed near a sound-absorbing couch or sofa.
Here at The Electronics Cranny, we have seen several published designs for Echo Units and Vibrato Units but very few for Fuzz Box circuitry. “There is a tremendous interest in the Fuzz Box,” said noted guitar operator Tom Evenings, who performs in the “Lankville Hill Basin Style”. “Commercial units are available, of course, but usually they are cost-prohibitive and I know I speak for a number of guitar operators in noting that we would greatly appreciate a schematic on how to build one, perhaps from, you know, an Electronics magazine or something like that,” added Evenings.
Guess what Tom? Your friends at The Electronics Cranny are happy to oblige.
“Oh, great, thanks,” noted Evenings.
Figure One. Take note of the foot paddle.
A long, odd silence ensued.
TECHNICAL DESCRIPTION
The Fuzz Box is based on a three stage shaping circuit (see figure one). The initial stage (marked with the first large vertical line in bold) is a simple pre-amplifier that can be found at any small electronics retailer or at one of those roadside stands. The value can be decreased to 0-1f if fuzz bass is not to be used or, again, if you put the Box near a heavy sofa.
The signal developed across the second stage (marked with the second large vertical line in bold) utilizes a semiconductor diode and can be reasonably applied for point contact, junction types and Paille Belts. The interspacial values are non-critical and a choice of resistor between 600 kilohm and whatever you’ve got lying around should prove satisfactory in the long run.
There are two more stages (marked by the third and fourth large vertical lines in bold) which both serve the by-passing of the effects box when the switch is not depressed and also the foot paddle. As can be seen, this provides a considerable saving in current.
CONSTRUCTION
Since the unit housing will be subjected to continuous foot pressure, it was decided to use an aluminium chassis, with the flux switch being mounted at one end. This allowed for easy control as the foot can pivot on the box or, if you don’t have any feet, can be operated with a long stick.
Figure Two. Take note of the Saffran Board.
Assembly of components is made on a piece of Saffran Board and can be readily followed from the wiring diagram (see figure two). Fresh insulation or a similar substitute (cotton candy works well) should be used for the board mounting but in the prototype a section of barrier terminal strip must be attached quadrilaterally (see figure two).
EFFECTS SWITCHING
There are three possible methods for installing and using the switching unit.
(a) The unit can be installed in the amplifier itself with a series of manual controls to form a “fuzz cohort”.
(b) As the foot paddle. In this scenario, the guitar lead will plug directly into the paddle and the output from the unit will connect to the amplifier.
(c) As a component piece within a larger unit, either an electronics setup, a piece of furniture or inside a tree.
POWER SUPPLIES
There are a number of different ways of providing power to the Fuzz Box: batteries, mains driven power units, tapping of the foot paddle from the power amplifier, etc. Polarities, connections and a thorough numbering of the carts are very important. Batteries should present few problems, however they’re very boring to purchase. There is really nothing more boring than approaching a battery display. You can avoid this method by creating a circuit similar to those illustrated in both figures above.
Another method is to harness the power of the wind. This can be accomplished with a Zener Wind Diode and a schematic available in my pamphlet Wind Power and Electronics: A Probe available by mail for $1.95.
FINAL ANALYSIS
By now, your Fuzz Box will be powered by the wind (or batteries, if that’s how you want to live your life) and ready for use. Check your specifications one final time and then amaze your friends or heterosexual lovers with the brilliant, queer sound of fuzz. Return to the schematics for an occasional refresher.
President Pondicherry on the Lankville Amusement Park Disaster
President Pondicherry
Lankville, I am writing to you from the place where the earth swallowed up so many of our loved ones (and the amusement park). I hate it. I hate it when the earth does this. But these days of sorrow and outrage have also been marked by great acts of courage (some funnel cake fryers were saved). They have been marked by religious congregations coming together with plastic check-patterned tablecloths (you know, the ones that are easy to wipe down) and portable food containers, welcoming strangers as brothers. In a nearby community, when two men tried to break into a home during the confusion, neighbors shot them with guns. When I met Joey Bell of the Southeastern Lankville Mesa Fire Department, he and his colleagues were utilizing the “Jaws of Life” in a vain attempt to open the earth. “My car is in there,” Joey told me. “But I still have my spirit”.
Across our coasts, we are seeing a powerful Lankvillian determination to rebuild this amusement park.
The work of the rescue is largely finished (there wasn’t any). That’s because the earth has remained closed like some sort of hideous anus. But one day we will gather the enveloped. We will gather them, treat them with respect and prepare them for glorious rest in an afterlife full of fun in an amusement park in heaven. I know we will fulfill this promise.
The Department of Earth Chasms is now registering survivors of the incident. We are working to reunite them with their cars and some of the little toys they won. Call me. I know you know the number. Call me, tell me what you need. I will give it to you. Call me now.
The trial of Sensational Mons Island reminds us again that we are stronger than we know. They remind us of a hope beyond all pain and death– God who welcomes the lost to a house with no walls, made not by hands. Yes.
God Bless you and God Bless Lankville,
President Pondicherry
People in the News
Steve Bob-Horner is part of a growing movement. A movement that we call “People in the News”.
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
“Guess I first became aware that I was a person in the news a few years ago,” says Bob-Horner, a short, stocky man with wispy blonde hair and crimson cheeks. “I was down for a ribbon-cutting at the new outdoor shopping plaza– they had a giant oblong attention-grabbing inflatable object that I was interested in viewing– and, long story short, everyone was more interested in me [than the giant oblong attention-grabbing inflatable object]. At that point, I became a person in the news.”
It hasn’t all been roses. The stress shows on Bob-Horner’s now lined face. He chain smokes cigarettes in his darkened kitchen. He has been through a seemingly endless tally of lower-level jobs. He is drunk.
“It’s been…difficult,” he says, as he looks down at the filthy linoleum floor, so close to breaking down entirely. “You can see why I keep all the curtains closed and park my truck in some bushes three blocks away.”
Indeed, we can. For beyond those curtains, fifty reporters stand at the fence perimeter– waiting…watching.
We asked one of the reporters why– why Steve Bob-Horner?
Steve Bob-Horner: A Person in the News
“Because he’s a person in the news,” responded the intrepid correspondent, who asked to remain anonymous. “Do you really need to ask that question, Lloyd?”
“But when…when will it end?”
The columnist eyed me carefully before answering.
“It ends with death, Lloyd. It ends with death.”
Bob-Horner knows this– to some extent, he has accepted his fate.
“Just wish I hadn’t gone down there [to see the giant oblong attention-grabbing inflatable object]. Everything changed then. Everything changed.”
We slowly backed away from the kitchen table but kept our eyes on the broken, star-crossed figure before us. It grew dimmer, the light was fading. I played some sad orchestral music off my LPads. The mood was dismal.
Dismal for Steve-Bob Horner.
Horoscopes by Sheeba Incaviglia
Sheeba feeding you your future on a shimmering platter of love.
AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)—It’s a month to really embrace family, even the scary dirty hill people on your mother’s side. Even though most of them work in tire shops, you can still show your love with a few extremely cheap shiny gifts. They’ll think the world of you. Lucky numbers tonight are 8, 17, 94 and 5.
PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)—A chance meeting with an exotic foreign man could lead to romance. That is, until you go to meet him at his apartment building and you find his name written idiotically on a mailbox in the debris-filled lobby. There will be a machine in one corner that dispenses small cartons of milk but someone has tipped it over. You will try the elevator—the “up” button will ding but nothing further happens. Know when to cut your losses.
ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)—A great week to work on improving your physical appearance. Dress up a bit—wear a pin on your lapel that depicts a bear playing with balloons. Pick up some of those sheer toe panty hose packaged in the funny white egg containers. Buy a bunch of them so that they jiggle around in the bag as you walk through the mall. There’s something comforting about that sound.
TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)—Getting very little on Tautus the week. Not sure what the problem is—I jiggled the crystal ball up and down a BUNCH of times but nothing happened. Probably need to have someone come out, have a look at it. Maybe some problem with enabling cookies or something.
GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)—You’ve got your finger on the pulse this week which not only helps you come up with modern, cutting-edge solutions but also allows you to bring joy to the infirm. Tell them all about how you’re on the cutting edge—they’ll appreciate it, since, being infirm, they probably haven’t been on the cutting edge for a long time, if ever. Know what I’m saying?
CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)—Put things in perspective by spending a lot of time looking at space. Get a telescope and marvel at the comets or the giant asteroids pounding together like a couple of giant space boobs creating cosmic chaos. All your cares will melt away.
LEO (July 23/Aug 23)—Could be a good time to consider a change of scenery. After all, that pumpkin fire that’s been raging behind your house shows no signs of abating. The realtor said, “Oh, that. That’s going to go out any day now. It’s just a bunch of pumpkins” but clearly, after four years it’s just getting stronger. You wouldn’t think pumpkins could burn like that but there you go. The choice is yours.
VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)—Your enthusiasm for all things luscious is contagious! You’ll want to experience it all but remember, be budget-conscious. Luscious things are really expensive and they never appear on the second-hand market. No need to work up a sweat tonight—it’s not worth the time.
LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)— Mania begins to creep in this week. Cut it off at your “mind pass.” Push it to one side like you’d shove an erupted beanbag chair into a trashcan. Next thing you know, you’ll be looking at a beautiful beach scene at dusk. You’ll hear the sound of the surf and those birds they have. Your lucky numbers are 10 and maybe 45.
SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)—Sure, you’re practical, determined and steadfast. But there’s another side of you too—that kind of weird side that reads lewd pamphlets in bus stations while eating dry cereal out of a heavily-dented plastic container. Embrace both. Tonight, make sure your love is more than words. Right? Get it?
SAGITTARIAN (Nov 22/Dec 21)—You will like your date this week instantly—unfortunately, he will become nervous, agitated even, and to make up for his discomfort, he will construct a small model farm out of scrap wood on your restaurant table. He will build a barn, a house, some chicken coops and a covered bridge. Long after you have left (he is completely unresponsive) and the night passes into morning, he will paint each structure and then, using some old electrical insulation made of paraffin, create some ersatz stones to place along a running creek powered by a train engine, that he builds of open PVC tubing. Still, you should give him another try. There could be a future in all this.
CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)—Birth, in one form or another, is the theme. Could be the birth of a child or could be the beginnings of that cat-related crafts business you’ve always dreamed of starting. Stuffed cats can be made to resemble all sorts of famous pop stars. It’s a slam dunk, really.
Area Girls Rolling Out the Whoop-Ass Cannon
By Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A group of area girls are rolling out the whoop-ass cannon, sources are confirming.
“I was just outside tending to some little pots that had fallen over and they came down the street rolling the [whoop-ass] cannon. I knew it was going to be bad,” said Eastern Defoliated Area resident Jean Books (rated about a 7 of 10 by this author).
The girls are believed to be the same band that terrorized Lankville areas in October and December of last year.
The area girls that are rolling out the whoop-ass cannon.
“We have a trace on them,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “We are anticipating a [whoop-ass] salvo and have evacuated the area. We just want everyone to be safe.”
Politicians, law enforcement officials and church people are already calling for measures to stop the area girls. “Frankly, we didn’t know they had a [whoop-ass] cannon,” noted Gee-Temple. “Our intelligence had indicated that they were involved in ganking and getting up in everybody’s [shit] but weapons [whoop-ass cannons] were not on our radar.”
The motivation of the area girls was unclear at press-time.
Ask Catrin
Catrin Lloyd-Bollard answers all your questions.
Catrin Lloyd-Bollard is an expert at answering questions.
Dear Ms. Catrin,
I have been married for a year and believe me, I really like my husband but he has one habit which really infuriates me.
No matter what I fix for him, he drowns it in ketchup. Eggs, cereal, candy, plate-sized shaved meats, it doesn’t matter.
I work so hard on my seasoning abilities and it’s all just a depressing waste of time when he gets through pouring ketchup all over it.
Can all this ketchup harm him? Will I harm him one day (I fear that, in my fury, I will murder him soon). What can I do?
LINDSAY
East Lankville Bay
Dear Lindsay,
Murder is usually an effective solution.
Confidently yours,
Ms. Catrin
——-
Dear Ms. Catrin,
There’s this sexy guy I know. Man, has he got it all going on. You should see him in pants. How can I let him know how I feel?
ALEX
Great Northern Mountain Area
Dear Alex,
Balloons are always nice.
With anticipation,
Ms. Catrin
———————————–
Dear Ms. Catrin,
At my high school, they serve very poor quality lunches. They don’t even clean the trays or the silverware or appear to run them under water. The hallways leading to the cafeteria are covered with lichens that seem to grow larger each day. There are gigantic pod-like vessels everywhere. Strange announcements are made daily. There is a chalkboard where they have a running “countdown” that they have never explained. What is going on?
SCARED IN LANKVILLE CAPITAL
Dear Scared,
Have you thought of bringing your own brown bag lunch to school? I used to prepare myself a modest ham sandwich everyday, and a little packet of hot chips. Smooth the brown bag down in front of you on the cafeteria room table and use it as a plate. If you decide to pack yourself hot chips as I did, you can eat them right out of the packet.
Now to answer your question, “What is going on?”:
Not much! What’s going on with you?
Yours affectionately,
Ms. Catrin
————————————-
Dear Ms. Catrin,
My son was jumping up and down on his bed and the bed broke down and the floor completely fell through. Now, every time I vacuum his room, I fall through the floor. What should I do?
Wendy
Lankville Partial-Ice Regions
Dear Wendy,
This reminds me of the time one of my bed slats snapped in half while practicing wrestling moves with my neighbor. “We are going to break the bed!,” I exclaimed in a shriek of laughter as my neighbor flipped me over and Atomic Dropped me onto the mattress. Sure enough, the bed broke.
Come to think of it, I still have yet to vacuum up the wooden shards. Bed still works fine, though. It was just a single slat.
With kind regards,
Ms. Catrin
———————————-
Dear Ms. Catrin,
I think I have already ruined my life. I stay up late, eat tons and tons of junk food and read nothing but terrorist attack novels.
I’m known as the one in the family that drinks an entire six-pack of soda in one sitting and eats can after can after can of tuna fish. Everyone is so worried about me that they are often moved to tears.
I’m writing this letter on a boat, by the way.
LOUISE
Boat
Dear Louise,
First, spread six ham slices with mustard. Next, peel six bananas, and roll each in a ham slice. Then, brush banana tips with butter–lovingly. Top with cheese sauce and, finally, bake 15 to 20 minutes.
Forever yours,
Ms. Catrin
——————–
Dear Ms. Catrin,
I have been dating the same guy for about a year. We get along well, laugh a lot, have the same personal outlook, believe in hell, etc. He says I’m his best friend.
The problem? I’m not his body type. I’m a petite blonde. He prefers chunkier women with short brown hair who wear jeans. He says if there was one thing he could change about me it would be for me to gain a lot of weight, dye my hair and wear some jeans.
What should I do?
BEATRICE
High Hill Southwestern Lankville Sands
Dear Beatrice,
Girl, you gotta get yourself over to the Downtown Lankville Two Bowl Spa and Salon. Pamper yourself with a bowl cut and a bucket-bowl of melted cheese. Those darling beauticians will ladle that cheese right into your mouth hole until your jean buttons burst (do go buy some jeans) — all the while treating your now-golden locks to the standard Lankville brown-bowl-cut-‘n-dye.
You’ll be looking like the tubby nine year old boy your man really wants to date in no time!
You’re welcome,
Ms. Catrin
OPINION: I Sat Down. And then, Instantly, I Began to Sink into the Cube
By an Unfortunate Man
IMPORTANT OPINIONS
It was a white room full of stars, patches and a cube. There was a chair. It looked comfortable so I sat down. And then, instantly, I began to sink into the cube.
It lasted hours. A long transformative period inside the cube. There were great swaths of vermilion interlaced with thick globs of pallid ochre. And then I was reincarnated as a dispossessed god-figure struggling to re-establish my dominion in the far-future.
There was a great orb of a moon. It was very near and filled the night with radiance. And then they said, “stop looking at the moon velex* and step into the challenge polyhedron.”
There it was before me. A hideous, abominable polyhedron. I had no choice but to step inside.
I fought the other dispossessed god figures all night. I was the victor. Slowly, my hegemony would again be recognized.
*The author has informed us that “velex” is a synonym for “asshole” utilized only in the distant future.
Still a Little Miffed That Nobody Loaned Me Their Boombox
By Zach Keebaugh
So, this isn’t an official Lankville article or anything but I just wanted to say that I’m a little miffed that nobody loaned me their boombox. What’s up people?
About a week ago, I let everybody know that my new squeeze Pat and I were going camping and that we needed a boombox. I figured on getting at least three or four boombox options from readers. Instead, I got nothing. I couldn’t believe it.
Pat wasn’t happy about it. We went camping anyway but we didn’t have much of a time. Pat needs music. Me, I don’t care none but Pat likes it. Anyway, we broke up.
Just hope that next time I need a boombox, I get a better response, that’s all I’m saying.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK