Archive
Oversized Beach Ball Accident Season Fast Approaching
By Brock Belvedere
NEWS YOU CAN USE
Summer is almost here in Lankville– a wonderful time of backyard cookouts, swimming, watermelon and boats. But it can also be a dangerous time and the season’s biggest killer might surprise you.
“It’s oversized beach balls,” stated Lankville Consumer Vulnerability Clump chairman Ump Marstons. “That’s what it is.”
Marstons refused to elaborate and became distracted by a series of internet photos of kittens in boxes.
This could be you.
According to the Lankville Consumer Vulnerability Clump, hundreds of Lankvillians are injured by oversized beach balls every year. Detective Houston Gee-Temple, however, believes the figure may be high.
“You have some incidents where women are lying about on patio chaise lounges, allowing the sun to cascade off their summer-firm haunches and then, BAM, they get hit by oversized beach balls, but I’m not sure it’s worth a story, Brock,” the intrepid lawman noted. “I monitor beaches, patios, yards and I have seen very few over the last few years.”
The LCVC however, disagrees, and have already begun littering Lankville with cautionary signs and billboards.
“It’s a serious issue. A serious, serious issue,” said Marstons, who became distracted again by a slideshow of kittens wearing little hats. “You’ve gotta’ watch out out there.”
The first day of summer is June 21st.
Schropp Keynote Speaker at “Bowls of Meat Festival”
Jackie Sheds, Jr.
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES
Lankville Daily News contributor Brian Schropp was the keynote speaker yesterday at the 1st Annual Lankville Suburban “Bowls of Meat Festival”. The event drew nearly 10,000 suburban Lankvillians.
“It was a great success and a big part of that was Brian,” noted organizer Natalie Sisters-Solutions. “Even though Brian’s speech didn’t make a lot of sense and even though he started crying all of a sudden for reasons unclear, people just liked seeing him. We all know that people who write for The Lankville Daily News are kind of a big deal.”
The event featured over 1,500 different bowls of meat spanning a wide-range of Lankville culinary traditions.
Schropp sits before the bowls of meat.
“I thought it was fantastic,” said an attendee, who was later carried off by hawks. “There were even bowls that appeared at first glance to be vegetables or some sort of weird seaweed thing or soup but once you pushed that junk aside, you saw it was just a big pile of meat underneath. I loved it.”
Schropp was pleased with the event.
“There were definitely some types of meat that I was unfamiliar with, some things that don’t really jive with my enhanced taste profile but otherwise I enjoyed myself tremendously. As I say, you should always keep your mouths [sic] open to new experiences.”
Schropp noted that he prepared his speech while riding a bus home from a urology appointment.
“Some good ideas were flowing but I didn’t have any paper with me, so I just wrote the ideas on my leg. Fortunately, I was wearing jean shorts that day, so I had a lot of space.”
Sisters-Solutions says that a 2nd festival is already in the works.
“We hope there will be more meat, more Brian, more bowls, more celebrations,” she noted.
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr
Dick Oakes, Jr.
They dropped me off in a dirt lot. There was a phone booth with a big god damn cactus next to it and a faded sign above that said, “DISCOUNT GARAGE” and another that said, “BUS”. There was no garage and no bus had stopped here in an age– there was only a junked car and the remnants of a mean foundation made of unpainted cinder block.
There was a guy on the other side of the road smoking a cigarette. I thought about hitting him up (it had been a few days) but he suddenly dropped his pants and started pissing into a cowboy hat that was on the ground. I didn’t want no part of that.
I started down the road.
I came to a little shit town with a closed bank on one corner and a toy store on the other. Someone had dumped a bunch of gravel in front of the toy store door. There was a sheet hanging from the second floor window that said CLOSED BECAUSE OF THAT GRAVEL THAT YOU SEE THERE. I couldn’t figure on none of it and I kept walking.
Right before the road pebbled out into baked brown hills, there was a stark shitbox of a place that sat off on a lot of tangled brush and choked cacti. There was an old animated sign on wheels that somebody had dragged out that said OPEN. The sun was starting to go down. I walked in.
The shitbox stopped me where I stood. The interior was done up in eastern grain cabinets and fancy tiling– fashionable chairs were all about the room. Nobody was around.
I sat down at a desk for awhile, then opened the top drawer. There were a bunch of business cards in a rubber band. “GARY LIVINGSTON- THE AUXILIARY,” they said with a phone number printed below. I picked up a gold nameplate. “GARY LIVINGSTON- THE AUXILIARY”– the same. I couldn’t figure on any of it but the guy had a bottle in the bottom drawer. I got lit as the last bit of light faded over the mountains.
When I woke up it was morning. There was a secretary with bobbed hair banging it out on a damn typewriter.
“Where’s the Auxiliary?” I asked.
She looked up. “The Auxiliary is very busy today. He’s hanging some wall-size art all day.”
“Yeah? What the hell kind of business is that?”
She seemed confused. “It’s a…craggy shore. Some hanging grapes come complimentary. There’s a big watch too that’s a clock.”
She got up to change the paper. I took a good long look at the tail.
“Why not skip all that, come out and have a hamburger?” I offered. I had just cashed my government relief check– eighteen bucks, I felt flush.
“But…the Auxiliary.”
“Just put a god damn sign up. Nobody gives a damn. Tell me who gives a damn.”
She couldn’t tell me.
We ended up at a counter down the road. Some yahoo with a paper hat was cursing loudly at the grill. Bobbed hair asked me my name and seemed disappointed when I told her.
“Not really a strong name,” she said. “When I hear that name, I think of somebody who spends a lot of time riding buses and sleeping on tables.” It was pretty damn good archery, I had to give it to her.
We ate our lunch in silence. Occasionally, the grillman would start up cursing again. He was pretty vile. Bobbed hair didn’t seem bothered by him though so I let it ride. When I asked for the check, he waved us off. I couldn’t figure on none of it.
We walked back towards the shitbox. There wasn’t nobody around.
“I won’t fuck you,” she said suddenly. A weird breeze started up–it seemed to be coming down from the hills. Brush blew everywhere, all to hell.
“I won’t fuck you,” she said again. “But thank you for the lunch. As great a man as the Auxiliary is, he has never bought me lunch.”
I didn’t know what the hell to say. She disappeared inside.
I didn’t follow her.
Jeepers Creepers, When Did He Get Mr. Peepers?: Pondicherry Has New Dog
By Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
There’s a new tenant at the Presidential Palace these days. President Pondicherry announced today that he has acquired a new dog.
President Pondicherry has a new dog!
“His name is Mr. Peepers,” the chief executive noted. “He’s yellow.”
Pondicherry has already distributed numerous photos of the “First Dog” and has asked Lankvillians to send him their thoughts on Mr. Peepers.
“Tell me what you think about him. Send him beautiful roses. Be poetic. If I like your response, who knows? Perhaps I’ll appear in your stairwell,” noted Pondicherry, in an online post.
Mr. Peepers is Pondicherry’s third dog since becoming President.
“The other two were also called Mr. Peepers. It’s a favorite name of mine,” he stated. “I am really blessed to lead our country during a period of great consequence.”
Pondicherry refused to answer further questions and ended the press conference early.
I Want to Tell You About How My New Boyfriend Gave Me His Class Ring
By Ashley Pfeiffers
I want to tell you SO MUCH about how my new boyfriend just gave me his class ring!
We were playing Fire Quasars in his parent’s basement. Every once in awhile, my new boyfriend would pause the game and he would say, “Ash, I’m on fire. For you.” I JUST ABOUT DIED. Plus, we had just had some giant shakes and I got so nervous that I knocked mine over on the carpet and then, when I was trying to clean it up, I kept stepping in it and then I accidentally fell forward with what was left of the shake into my new boyfriend’s guitar. I thought I was going to cry.
“It’s okay, Ash,” my new boyfriend said. “What are a few lost shakes compared to a few lost kisses?”
We made out for awhile. Then my new boyfriend said, “Now, watch me gank these quasars”.
We have SO MUCH in common!
Later, we went in his backyard and sat on the air-conditioning system.
“Feel that warm air, Ash?” my new boyfriend said. “Yes,” I said– I was practically shaking. But he didn’t say anything else.
And then, all of the sudden, he got down on one knee and gave me his class ring! OH MY GOD– I started crying and then I thought I was going to pass out. I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT.
“We can go down to the mall and get a necklace for it,” he said, after I had accepted. I tried it on though and it ended up fitting perfectly! “You have such delicate fingers,” I said. He got a weird look on his face but he kissed me anyway. We are so in love!
Then, we went for a slice at the Pizza-A-Round. We were shown to a table by this weird guy who was soaking wet and, somehow, slightly on fire.
“There’s that goof again, Ash,” my new boyfriend said, once we were seated. “I can’t believe that goof. He probably doesn’t even have a class ring.”
“I have yours,” I reminded him.
We made out across the table. I knocked over a vase and some water spilled onto the floor.
We are soul mates.
The opinions of Ashley Pfeiffers are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Is Rubber Mulch Safe? A Zach Keebaugh Investigation
By Zachary Keebaugh
The public playground in the Central Lankville Showy Suburban Area has everything a kid could want. You got swings, a helicopter, some ropes, a little barn. But it’s got something else too. A surface made of rubber mulch. That’s right– rubber mulch.
IS IT SAFE?
Van Griese, a local contractor, laid the rubber mulch himself. “It’s the latest in safety surfacing,” he told me, as we walked slowly together by a lake. “You got shredded rubber from old tires and when the kiddies fall over, it’s more pillowy than say, some mulch or some rocks, god forbid.”
I stopped him.
“Is it safe?” I probed.
“Of course, it’s safe. Why wouldn’t it be?”
“Don’t know, man. I heard there might be some chemicals in there, some shit that gets all whacked when it gets hot. Vapors, man. Volatile substances.”
Griese just stared at me. He was clearly unnerved.
ARE KIDS EATING THE SHIT?
Fun Playground….or HELL?
Lisa Adiron-Chairs is a mother of two. “I really struggled to keep my daughter from putting the tire crumbs in her mouth. Plus, they would come back from the park just covered in black. Skin, clothes, everything. I just thought, this can’t be healthy.”
“Yo, it’s just cut-up tires. So what if they eat a few tires over the course of a lifetime? You don’t even want to know the shit I’ve eaten,” I remarked.
“But we know they put chemicals in tires. We have to take responsibility as parents to limit the health risks. We need more information.”
MIXED MESSAGES FROM PONDICHERRY
The Lankville government, however, is sending parents mixed messages about this rubber mulch junk.
“We have done several dozen studies and found no negative health risks,” noted government toxicologist Lando Curry.
“Don’t give me that weak-ass shit,” I countered. “Your studies are limited and insufficient to establish conclusively that rubber mulch surfaces are safe.”
“Look, the Agency for Lankville Woods and Copses acknowledges that more studies need to be made but all of our product safety agencies recommend and promote rubber mulch. And the Lankville Playground Layout Subcommittee wholeheartedly endorses rubber mulch– why, we even have a rubber mulch playground at the Presidential Palace.”
“Sounds like you got a lot of important committees. Be a shame if anything happened to any of them,” I noted, trying to sound as gangster as possible.
“Are you threatening the government?” Curry countered.
I backed down right away. I don’t want to get that god damn rap pinned on me.
INDEPENDENT INVESTIGATION
This reporter decided to go undercover. I talked my way into an Eastern Lankville rubber manufacturer and snagged an interview with salesman William Head.
“I want to buy a lot of rubber mulch to put on playgrounds,” I said. “I want the cheapest tires you got. Long as they’re safe. Are they safe?”
“They are,” said Head. I kept staring at his little nametag. “William Head”. Christ, I was having a hard time not laughing. Also, I was high.
“So, there’s no carcinogenic chemicals in there, right?”
Finally, Head admitted that there were a couple of poisons in there but they were so minimal as to pose no risk.
“You’ve got some things that cause cancer, but you’re not going to be sleeping every night on these surfaces,” he said.
“How do you know? Maybe that’s what I had in mind,” I countered. He shut up for a bit then.
NEW FINDINGS NEEDED
Rubber mulch or no rubber mulch, it seems that new findings are needed.
“Of course, we will carefully review all new findings,” said Curry. “Our highest priority is protecting the public. However, we do not plan to commission further studies because we do not view rubber mulch as an issue at this time.”
For now, concerned mothers like Lisa Adiron-Chairs will have to take their kids elsewhere.
“They play in a field now,” she noted. “As long as the government isn’t going to be sure about these tires, they’ll just have to play in a field.”
Zach Keebaugh won a trophy for this report.
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
Dick Oakes, Jr.
I was half-drunk and hanging out in an alley behind a closed department store. There was a parade going by out front– bunch of Islanders or something and you could hear occasional cheers and the sound of tubas. Just tubas– no other instruments. It made no sense– none of it.
There was another guy sitting on a crate. He was pitching playing cards into an enamel bowl. I didn’t care for the look of him.
“Thing is, I got this volcanic explosiveness right about here,” he said, gesturing towards his groin. I slowly rose to a squat, just in case he had any ideas. “Sure, I figure on lust earning me a slab in passion’s morgue but what the Christ are you going to do when you got such heat right about here?” His hands made a wide arc around his groin again. I couldn’t figure on any of it.
He reached into his tattered sports jacket and withdrew a giant green bottle of cologne that was shaped like a hammer. Running down the side was the word “POTENT” in gold letters.
“Stole this from the men’s store. You want a splash?”
I got the hell out of there.
Night fell pretty fast and it wasn’t friendly after dark in this town. Bunch of god damn house dicks up and down the business section. Everything was closed up– even the alleys had steel grates drawn across them. I walked away towards the mountains– the last bit of daylight overhead. That’s when I came across the Flamingo.
The office was lit in bright fluorescents and the counterman had a face like an ugly plow horse. He had a little radio on– some announcer was nattering on about berserk hayseeds coming out of the low hills to steal tires off town cars. “They ruined the parade today,” he complained. I didn’t take no notice.
“Boy, we sure as heck don’t have any rooms left buddy,” horse face said. “Doncha’ know there was a big ethnic parade today? A big procession of cultural pride? You shoulda’ called ahead. We don’t offer no guarantees– you either get a room or you don’t get a room. It’s a tough situation…”
“Skip it,” I interrupted. “How’s about if I sit here awhile, see if anyone cancels?”
“Jesus H. Tits, mister. Do whatever you want.”
I waited for about an hour and nobody came in. Then, a young blonde came in and started chatting up horse face. Then, she was going to meet him in the lounge after his shift. Another hour passed and then he dimmed the lobby lights.
“Tell you what, seeing as how Debbie has come down, I won’t be needing my room. You can have it for twenty dollars.”
I lit a cigarette. “I can give you fifteen.”
“Alright, just give me the fifteen and get the hell out of here.” He handed me a key with a greasy plastic fob. “It’s in the motor court, behind the lounge.”
I huffed it back there. There were some girls in the pool and I figured on ogling them a little later through the curtains. They had some beers too outside the fence and I crept up and popped two out of the six pack. They wouldn’t miss ’em none.
I got the lock open and switched on the lights. Unmade beds, filthy green carpeting, a scratchy-looking sofa off to one side. Clothes everywhere. Bunch of instant cameras lying around with the photos popped out the front but not removed. The guy had really gone to town.
I drank the two beers down fast and then smoked three cigarettes, one after the other. There was a teevee but it didn’t get nothing. I opened up the door and stared out at the pool– the girls were still there– they were taking turns jumping off the diving board onto a giant inflatable float that was shaped like an alligator. I couldn’t figure on it.
I walked over to the fence.
“Any of you girls into Lankvillian men?” I said senselessly. Then, I fell over. Everything had hit me all at once.
It was morning when I woke up alone in horse face’s room. No idea how the hell I got there.
Shake Brought
By Dennis Updatables
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A shake was brought, sources are confirming.
“Yes, the lady brought my shake,” said Miranda Jennifers, age 11. “I…well, we…”
“We’re just having a leisurely lunch here at Mr. Snack,” interjected Cindy Jennifers, Miranda’s mom. “Just taking it easy with a couple of shakes. There’s nothing to report here. Go ahead, move on.”
Mr. Snack waitress Amanda Linda was confirmed as having brought the shake.
“Yes, I brought it to table number 11. It was strawberry. I…”
Linda sank into a period of confusion and the interview was ended prematurely.
Mr. Snack offers a selection of ten shakes.
“Sure, we can bring you any one of ten shakes,” noted manager Glenn Crispin, who was interviewed while overseeing the making of several shakes. “It’s a popular…snack…here at Mr. Snack. We sell…a lot of snacks. I mean, shakes. Shakes and snacks.”
The shake that was brought.
Crispin indicated that several further shakes would probably be served today.
“I…would imagine,” he said, before looking off into the distance.
Phone calls to Mr. Snack corporate headquarters were not returned.
The Jennifers family did not order any other shakes and left shortly thereafter.
Pageant to Give Area Girls a Chance to Shine
By Bernie Keebler
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
An area “dream pageant” is giving some local girls a chance to shine.
The pageant, sponsored by Lankville business magnate Ric Royer, will feature folk dances, patriotic displays, choral works and a fire. Refreshments will be served.
“Rather than sponsor, I would prefer to be called “an encourager”,” Royer corrected. “The intent here is to braid pleasure with the abject, spike it with light buffoonery and to entertain, amaze and delight everyone,” added Royer, who was interviewed in the median strip of a busy thoroughfare. “There will be a piano…”
Royer suddenly became distracted by a baby being wheeled by in a stroller. “We don’t have any babies in the show,” he whispered faintly.
Some of the pageant participants include Lankville Daily News contributor Catrin Lloyd-Bollard, Emma Reaves and Caitlin Beeb.
The lovely ladies of the pageant: (L to R): Emma Reaves, Caitlin Beeb, Catrin Lloyd-Bollard. Encourager Royer at back.
“We’re already busy preparing our routines, buying outfits for the pageant, and trying to control the deep waves of panic and otherworldly terror that generally come with living in Lankville,” noted Lloyd-Bollard, who enjoys snow-skiing, the mall and the color purple.
“We hope that this pageant brings people together and also brings awareness of all the ethnics that live out in the desert,” noted Beeb, who is a member of the Mall Fashion Forecast Team and also enjoys water swimming, floral arranging, and yarn.
Royer says that the preliminary competition will begin this summer with the final crowning in October.
“We’re still raising funds,” the enigmatic executive noted. “I’ve personally sold some of my Illuminated Christmas Village pieces– just the ones that I had 10 or 11 examples of and just the ones that were in slightly lesser condition. Nevertheless, we are well on our way.”
To donate to the pageant, one can access the individual digital network station: http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/miss-chthonic-star-dream-pageant.
“Do it now,” encouraged Royer, who was still standing mindlessly in the median strip. “Do it before you go outside again. There is no reason not to.”
Lankville Sit-Ins Target Pondicherry
Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville President Pondicherry is the target of a new political ploy: statehouse sit-ins.
Four groups, disappointed at Pondicherry’s alleged lack of action on recent issues, have held sit-ins this week in his modern reception room.
First, it was the Anti-Challenge League, protesting the rise of challenges in Lankville. Next, it was the United Vitiello Decorative Ham Managers, upset with recent debates over raising the minimum wage. Yesterday, it was the Parents of Bumpkins Union, asking for higher staffing in local schools. And today, Lankville Daily News contributor Dr. David Hadbawnik staged a sit-in for gourd awareness.
President Pondicherry is getting mixed reviews.
No group has come away with any major concessions but the parade of protesters continue.
Wanda Barn, one of the President’s receptionists (rated only a 2 of 10 by our staff but who I personally think is banging it out like some sort of smoking angel bomb dropped on the village that is my freak) has a casual attitude about the protesters now.
“It doesn’t even bother me anymore,” she said, sitting at her big desk in the corner of the reception room and filling out that pair of pleated cargo capris like a god damn champ. “Everybody gets their turn.”
Pondicherry usually meets with the groups after they have waited for most of the day. He says he doesn’t encourage sit-ins.
“It’s a phenomenon of our times. The institutions which shape our lives are not as trusted as they were in the past,” the President noted. “I have absolutely no philosophical or political thoughts on why this is– I have not spent very much time thinking about philosophy or politics.”
Once Pondicherry emerges and talks with the protesters, he gets mixed reviews.
“We thought he was a myth,” noted Pam Tucks of the Anti-Challenge League. “But we found out he wasn’t.”
“He gave me no satisfaction whatsoever,” said Hadbawnik. “He wouldn’t even look at my gourds.”
Ms. Barn says that the protesters often leave quite a mess.
“Pamphlets, decorative hams, gourds, some of the bumpkin children have pulled down the floor-to-ceiling drapes– we have the cleaners come in after each sit-in,” Barn noted.
“Where do I get that job?” I joked. “Chance to gape at such pulchritude while cleaning– doesn’t even sound like a job to me,” I added. “Sounds like heaven. Too much space between your lips and mine.” I gyrated lewdly.
Ms. Barn became embarrassed and the interview was ended prematurely.
Further sit-ins are expected tomorrow.
On My Webinar and My Summit by Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
Last Saturday saw the debut of my new webinar, “It’s Alright to Cry”. And this coming Saturday I will be hosting the 1st Annual Men’s Feelings Summit in the back lodge of the Casa Montecristo.
It is a good time to discuss men’s feelings.
Indeed, no time has ever been better. Right now, men want to talk, cry and cower more than ever before. And Dr. Thurston is there for you. And because of the magic of the internet, I can be there for you any time of the day or night (for just $19.99– make sure you enable your cookies).
My webinar makes an important and just statement. It calls for an end to the suppression of men’s feelings. While you watch my webinar, I want you release everything. It may be a few days of frustration or it may be decades upon decades of horror. Let it all out. It’s alright to cry. It is.
A still from my new webinar, “It’s Alright to Cry”.
I recommend following up our private session (I want you to think of the webinar as being created exclusively for YOU) by attending the Summit. Here, you will have the opportunity to meet other men (and women who are friends of men’s feelings) and also to have a look at some of the wonderful items I’ve picked up recently– quilted outdoor pillows (none matching) $19.99 each, ultra high efficiency laundry detergent, $12.99, box of scissors still factory-wrapped, $3.99 each, bunch of great stuff.
So, don’t delay. There is limited space in the back lesser lodge at the Casa Montecristo. But more importantly, there is limited space in your emotional psyche for more pain. Cleanse now, cleanse today with Dr. Kevin Thurston.
Expert in men’s feelings.
This article has been paid for by Dr. Kevin Thurston.
OPINION: If You Haven’t Been to a Randy Pendleton’s, You Haven’t Eaten
By Randy Pendleton
Randy Pendleton is one of Lankville’s most famous celebrities.
In the last five years or so, you’ve probably noticed a change in the Lankville roadside landscape. You’ve probably seen the twinkling neon lights with my image and name at the top and the refulgent arrows with the words “HEATED POOL”, “RESTAURANT”, “ICE CREAM”, “STEAKS” and “COCKTAILS” below. You’ve probably taken note of the modernist “international style” architecture of my buildings– painted bright orange and brown to reflect “environmental themes” and the patented “Pendleton Acres” which offer ample parking for regular axle vehicles but also buses, trailers and boats. You’ve probably seen my ads in the paper describing our famous tendersweet fried clam plate with Outland Fried Potatoes, gloppy coleslaw and foreign sauces. Or our hamburger specials– the King Size, the Cheese Duke, the Onion Paladin and the Vegetarian Twilight Patty.
So, you’ve seen all we have to offer. The question is: why haven’t you been our guest? Because if you haven’t been to a Randy Pendleton’s, you just simply haven’t eaten.
Randy Pendleton’s: What’s Taking You So Long?
Here’s what notable Lankville business magnate Ric Royer had to say about Randy Pendleton’s:
Many afternoons– I’ve rented a room in the motor lodge, enjoyed intercourse with a prearranged sandy-haired lover, dressed in my “eating robe” and then walked over to the restaurant. I like that the menus have photographs. The photographs are deeply colorful– more colorful than in real life, as though they were painted by some unknowable deity. I order nothing but dessert.
A local mother noted:
My kids love Randy Pendleton’s. I like that the menus turn into spellbinding kaleidoscopes. Gives me and Stan [my boyfriend] a little break.
So, there you have it. Glowing reviews of our restaurant from Ric Royer and a divorced Mom.
But Randy Pendleton’s is so much more than just food. We offer modern, clean rooms at affordable prices, decorated in a Western Island style with privacy nature murals that shield your sleeping space from the kitchenette and patented “bathing arena” (where available). We offer fast and efficient room service direct from our restaurants. And every Randy Pendleton’s room has a teevee set (takes quarters). That’s my guarantee.
We have swimming pools, saunas, lounges and massage parlors. Selected Randy Pendleton’s offer small tree trimming classes taught by exotic foreign people! We’ve even got live entertainment– trumpets, pianos, rock music for the younger set! Yes, we’ve got it all!
But you won’t be able to experience what’s it like to be at a Randy Pendleton’s until you try. What’s taking you so long? Stop at a Randy Pendleton’s today.
The opinions of Randy Pendleton are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries although we do admit that we like it a lot.
Barlow Foods Ranks Best in Entire World for Reputation, Poll Says
By Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Barlow Foods has a better reputation than any company in the entire world, according to a new poll.
The grocery chain tops a list of the 50 most visible companies in the Meulens-LaPoint 19th Annual Reputation Quotient Study. It beat out such giants as Danny Madison Technologies, Grebov Brothers Telescopes and Vitiello Decorative Hams to secure the top spot.
“These figures merely support what we’ve always believed,” said owner and CEO John Barlow. “That we are better than everyone else in the world. Why go through the charade of false modesty? Why even go through the charade of a Quotient Study? Why present me with this Quotient Study trophy?”
Barlow tossed the Quotient Study and the trophy out a nearby open window.
“We are the best in the world because we don’t stop to leer at trophies,” Barlow noted.
We are the best in the world because we don’t stop to leer at trophies.”
The study evaluated data from over 38,000,000 respondents. Perceptions of company products and services, financial performances, workplace safety, social responsibility and emotional appeal were all considered.
Barlow Foods earned a score of 87.6.
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.
“A score above 80 is considered excellent,” noted Quotient Study founder and business analyst Cheryl Meulens (rated about a 4 of 10 by this author– 5 of 10 with a better haircut). “It’s an extraordinary accomplishment for Barlow Foods, particularly when you look at the companies that have been legendary for their customer service– like, say, Vitiello Hams. It shows how Barlow Foods has an international reputation as well. I think they have a store in one of the islands somewhere.”
“I like Barlow Foods,” noted local resident Kovin Burry. “I like their frozen pizzas and their yogurt is generally better than the name brands. I like their shampoo. It’s also better than the name brands. The cheeses are good. A small bunch of kale is 2.69, which comes out to almost seven dollars a pound. Sometimes the aisles are congested but I’d still say it’s excellent.”
Burry was later shoved into a windowless van and driven off.
“This changes nothing,” Barlow stated later. “We will continue our mission to the end. No matter what happens, no matter what the future holds.”
“We will remain open…forever,” Barlow added after a long pause.
A press conference is expected later today.
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
Dick Oakes, Jr.
I was hanging out in the bus station reading a newspaper that some guy had dropped on the floor. They had this section called “Free Love Encounters” where people advertised all kinds of nonsense. I couldn’t figure on a bunch of ’em but I decided to try a few. It had been awhile.
There was some jackass clogging up the phone booth. He was nattering on about getting a bunch of furniture delivered to the outlands. I gave him a hard stare. He couldn’t take it none and, after awhile, he bolted.
I tried the number on the first ad– said something about nude girls with big yams that would come out to your place and clean up a little. I couldn’t figure on none of it but I dialed anyway. A swarthy-sounding guy snapped it up after two rings.
“Topless maids– can I help you?”
“What if you want a maid but you ain’t got no house?” I asked. I felt like a horse’s ass.
“Just name a place, buddy. I got Shirley right here, ready to go. She’ll do your laundry for you.”
“Nude? At a laundromat?”
There was a pause. “Naw, guess we can’t have that. Unless you got a room or something. Maybe she could wash your pants in a sink, towel ’em off. That kind of thing.”
That sounded alright. I gave him an address– the Visibility Inn. “Have her meet me in the coffee shop that’s shaped like a triangle.”
“Coffee shop shaped like a triangle?” He was getting all bent out of shape about it. I couldn’t figure on it none. “I protect my gals– I’m not gonna’ send Shirley out to a god damned coffee shop shaped like a triangle.”
“Make it a room then, Jesus. Tell her to ask for Oakes at the front desk.” 
I hung up on him and huffed it down there.
The clerk was a little sissy in a tri-colored button-up. He gave me a room down on the end and handed me a couple of soaps on a towel. “Make it two towels. Actually, make it three.” I thought about the pants. He gave me a little hell about it but in the end, nobody gave a damn. The sissy went back to his magazines and his cigarettes and I went back to my room.
It was about twenty minutes later that Shirley showed up. She was sporting coiffed strawberry blonde hair and some fair business up front that was squeezed into an all-black costume with a frilly white skirt. She pushed in a cart of cleaning supplies. “What are we doing today?” she asked, disinterestedly. She looked around at the immaculate room– the Visibility Inn had thought of everything.
“You can wash these pants out in the sink,” I proffered. I took the faded, worn-through polyesters off and dropped them on the floor. They were blown to hell– there wasn’t no point in it.
“You should throw these away,” she said, removing her top. A couple of big bazooms came barreling out. I popped half a chub.
“Why don’t you throw them away for me?” I said.
She bent over and, in one motion, hurled the pants across the room into a plastic trash can. The can danced precipitously before falling straight over. It was growing dark out.
She began dressing.
“That’s it?”
“That’s it.”
I suddenly began to feel very drunk. That half a fifth was finding its mark.
“You…did a good…job. I’ll recommend you, Shirley.”
“My name is Shirley but everyone calls me Peaches.” She was all dressed now. I couldn’t make no sense of it all.
It was a long time after she was gone that I passed out.
Royer Buys Box of Puppies
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Notable Lankville business magnate Ric Royer has purchased a box of puppies, sources are confirming.
Royer: Puppy Daddy
“Yes, it’s true, I have purchased the puppies,” noted Royer, who was interviewed in his Lankville High Hills home. “The dew of the light bathes all of our souls in perfume and the lambent flame brings us the continuity of consciousness. Now, let’s open the box of puppies.”
Royer tore open the box and seven puppies were seen to suddenly dart under some nearby furniture.
“What a light!” the executive exclaimed. “The rays consume me!”
The puppies are believed to have been purchased from an Outlands farm. Phone calls have not been returned.
“It’s very difficult to be alone in a fourfold dimensional world, possessing the Double Wand of Power (interviewees capitals) as I do,” Royer later stated. “These puppies will help me focus, keep me company and, later, as they grow older, they will be able to scare off or even eat intruders.”
“Now the mystery is done,” Royer added after a long period of eerie silence.
A press conference is expected later today.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK