Archive
Hadbawnik Announces 2016 Presidential Bid
By Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville Daily News senior correspondent and renowned gourd expert David Hadbawnik has announced he will run for president in 2016.
“President Pondicherry is not a friend to nature,” declared the candidate at a mid-morning press conference held at the Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall). “He believes that economic growth comes from the construction of highways and malls. I believe that economic growth can only come from nature. And not just gourds but from all nature, all of nature’s bounty”.
“But also gourds,” Hadbawnik added.
The candidate will run alone.
“I don’t require another politician. I will run with the gourds,” Hadbawnik stated.
Hadbawnik becomes the third Lankvillian to declare his candidacy. Incumbent Albert Pondicherry Jr. and famous celebrity Randy Pendleton will also run.
Police Issue “Tawny Alert” Over Strange Handbills; Schropp Briefly Questioned
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville Police and the Bureau of Probes have issued a “tawny alert” after a series of strange handbills appeared yesterday on area telephone poles, bulletin boards and parked cars.
The handbill, which advertises a furniture refinishing service, is believed to be managed and operated by a notorious felon known only as “Steve, the Cat Handbag”.
One of the strange handbills that has Lankville on tawny alert.
“We arrested Steve back in ’88 for robbing a pretzel kiosk at gunpoint,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive at the scene. “That’s something that doesn’t hold any water here in Lankville.”
The flier, however, makes claims of Steve’s complete rehabilitation and skill at furniture refinishing. A phone number is proffered.
Gee-Temple for one says he’s not believing it.
“I’d recommend that citizens take their furniture refinishing business elsewhere. Steve is a dangerous criminal. If things don’t go his way, he’ll rob another pretzel kiosk, no question. We’ve issued the tawny alert to try to prevent this from happening again.”
The Bureau of Probes uses a series of “color alerts” to warn citizens– tawny, cobalt, cherry dahlia and burnt cinnamon (the highest level).
“We went with tawny because we’re going to give Steve the opportunity to explain these handbills,” noted Gee-Temple, who paused to investigate a shooting in the hallway. “If Steve does not answer the questions to our satisfaction or if he has gone on the lam, then we’ll certainly increase the warning to say, cherry dahlia or maybe even burnt cinnamon. Hate to do that, but we have to protect the public.”
“…his entire face was pressed against the window and he had this really strange look…”
SCHROPP BRIEFLY QUESTIONED
Lankville Daily News cuisine writer Brian Schropp was briefly questioned yesterday after the epicure was spotted leering oddly into several Deep Northern Suburban Lankville eateries.
“I looked up and there he was– his entire face was pressed against the window and he had this really strange look,” noted waitress Ursula Peters-Holly of The Breakfast Caucus Restaurant. “An hour later, I looked up and he was still in the exact same spot, with the same look, so I snapped a picture.”
Schropp was later spotted outside The Sandwich Castle and The Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall).
“The look on my face may appear goofy,” Schropp later explained, “but I’m actually concentrating deeply on the restaurant within, trying to understand its inner workings, decide whether it fits into the parameters of my enhanced taste palette and then, ultimately, coming to conclusions about reviewing the restaurant or not in my column.”
“Perfectly reasonable to me,” noted Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive to the scene.
Schropp was released into the care of his parents.
Pondicherry Yoga: Is it Safe?
Mrs. Larry Temple
A PROBE
Pondicherry Yoga. It’s the latest fitness-spirituality craze for busy Lankvillians who don’t have time for separate fitness and spirituality crazes. But, what is it? And, more importantly, is it safe?
The popular yoga, which takes place in a rickety room of wildly fluctuating temperatures, has led some to question its healthfulness –in part because it teaches that a session isn’t over until the practitioner injures himself.
“It’s true,” claims middle-aged, middle class “Yogi” Gideon, “they don’t let you out until you hurt yourself. And no good faking –they know,” he paused before continuing proudly, “I’ve snapped every tendon in my body.”
Who exactly “they” may be is another subject up for debate. Pondicherry Yoga instructors are notoriously difficult to see for any length of time in suitable light. They spend a minimum amount of time in the practice room, perhaps, some suppose, because they can’t endure the temperatures, which swing between 150 and -50 degrees.
“Theys crank up the heat,” complains former Pondicherry yogi Sam Crumb, “so yous burn and you burn and you can twist into some kind of prtezel-like –and then vrwroop! they’s turn it freezing so yous just stick there. The sweat on all your body turns to little icee flakes. And you hair, it cracks off in pieces-like, and you eyes – they stick open, or closed, with the ice lids. And you body you think you stuck forever, and yous start crying-like, yous blubbering and you know is dying, and you dying, and sometimes yous die, and most the time you do dies.”
The rickety room (scale model).
But is it safe? I asked Sam Crumb. “And they’s make you eat. The heat so yous think you gonna die, and they make yous eat the whole pie,” he claimed gasping and whimpering, “I ate the whole pie. I had to. But it too hot to eat the pie, but you eat. Big key lime pie. And they make you drink the whole two-liter. The cherry cola. The no-brand cherry cola. With the pie. And then the inverted series.”
But the question remains: is it safe? I asked Sam Crumb about another of Pondicherry Yoga’s more controversial aspects: the much-ballyhooed “rickety room.” Sam struggled for breath as he spoke to me between sobs. “The floor, it slanted fun-house like. And the screws are sticking up, and they goes inside your feets, and you hands, and they goes inside your stomach when yous lying down –and then you moves and the boards give way, and you falls in the hole. I always fall in the hole. And yous cant get out, and then yous out, and the room it so hot, or so cold, and you can’t sees, and yous fall in again, and yous can’t see again, and yous can’t see even more, and you gets out, and yous fall in again. And again. With the screws in you, the cold and the hot, and the screwsm in all you body.”
The interview ended prematurely as Sam had to go off to his next class. And so for now the questions will remain: Pondicherry Yoga — is it safe? In the meantime, let us turn to another question in part two of our two-part series when we ask Lankville’s own John Knewstub: Pondicherry Yoga –is it spiritual?
Summer Scandal: Snack Machines Still not up to Snuff
By Ida Rumpus
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Back in March, The Lankville Daily News broke an exclusive story on local vending machines, which were shockingly bereft of the tasty treats and salty snacks residents had come to crave. We were assured by no less an authority than Sue Ely, spokesperson for President Pondicherry, that henceforth the vending machines would be under “new management,” freed from the derelict leadership of old people who had allowed the machines’ usual abundance to lapse.
Bull-oney: Not such an “incredibull” selection
That was certainly the expectation of Dave Schlarsberger, assistant vice president in the Office of Financial Excellence at Lankville State University. “You can’t always find Braided Honey Twist Wheat Helices… OK, I can deal with that,” he said from his office in Carmody Hall. “But at least leave me some Moon Chips. At least throw in, I dunno, a bag of Rigid Rice Scraps. I mean, come on.”
In fact, in fourteen of the twenty-two vending machines personally examined by this reporter, there were no snacks at all. No Salty Crab Cake Crackers. No Double-Dipped Bow-Tie Licorice Ribbons. No Goudy Gorilla Chee-zits. Nothing. Nada.
A scandal? Not according to Presidential Spokesperson Sue Ely.
“What the ordinary Lankvillian doesn’t understand is that stocking vending machines is a complicated business,” she said in a prepared statement from her bunker in Pondicherry Palace. “There are supply and demand issues that need to be carefully monitored and deftly managed. Everyone wants their Wheat Helices, and we get that. But we can’t just stuff every machine willy-nilly with every kind of treat.”
Spokesperson Ely called for calm – and patience.
Slim pickins as snack oasis goes dry
“There is a new team in place, a team of responsible youths, in charge of the machines,” she said. “We need to give them time, time for their ideas and creativity to truly blossom.”
Spokesperson Ely declined to comment on the images of empty machines and bereft luncheon displays provided by The Lankville Daily News.
To OFE vice president Schlarsberger, such assurances feel hollow – not unlike his rumbling stomach.
“Look, I’m bringing clients and prospective funders to the Lankville State campus all the time,” he said. “How do you think it looks when I show them around and we have to walk past all those empty machines? It’s embarrassing. This is Lankville, dammit, not some backwards Island Republic of Whatever.”
Schlarsberger then removed an empty bag of Braided Honey Twist Wheat Helices from his desk, memento of a pretzel “bounty” that he enjoyed from these same machines last fall, and fondled it longingly. But such a bounty now seems a long time ago indeed.
Employee Printing Out an Awful Lot of Lion Pictures
Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
An employee in the Barlow Foods offices in Lankville City has been printing out an awful lot of lion pictures, co-workers are confirming.
The employee was identified as Kelley Pauses, 54, of North Suburban Lankville.
“I’ve been noticing an awful lot of printing being done recently, we’ve been going through a lot of toner,” noted Administrative Assistant Henrietta Schropp. “I’ve been keeping an eye on the queue, and I keep seeing print jobs with weird titles like “Thirsty Cubs”, “Sunning on the Savanna”, “Danger in the Long Grass”– that kind of thing.”
“We’ve counted over 500 lion pictures in the last two weeks alone,” Schropp added.
One of the lion pictures seized this morning.
“I saw [Kelley] closing her drawer really quickly one day and I happened to notice it was stuffed full of lion pictures. I found it very curious,” noted co-worker Lance Parrisher, who later disappeared. “I think she disposed of a lot of files to make room for the [lion] pictures.”
Pauses refused to comment. Her lion pictures were seized this morning and she was sent home early.
“I guess it would be understandable if she had a child that was, say, making a poster for school about lions,” opined Parrisher. “But, she’s barren. I remember because we were all eating cake when she told us.”
“I think she lives alone,” Schropp noted.
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow, reached by phone, stated that he did not yet have enough information to comment.
“I’ll need to know a little more about these lion pictures,” Barlow stated. “We’ll be keeping an eye on the incident.”
The Small Towns of Lankville
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
Lloyd Byas-Kirk recently won a large, unwieldy trophy with several distinct layers supported by columns for his series on the small towns of Lankville.
One passes through a verdant dell, a gigantic graveyard and an abandoned cake refinery before arrival in the town of “Curtberg”, located in the Eastern Lankville Mountainous Regions. There is a gas station, a handsome restaurant named after a former Lankville President, some houses and some cars. It is a place where a man can sit outside and ruminate over the morning sun coruscating brilliantly off the rooftops, it is a place for peace but also a place for guns, it is a place that holds Lankville tradition deep to its breasts [sic].
Harry Solids is the “mayor” of Curtberg. “Well, I was not officially elected,” he says, as he we stand in front of the post office for reasons unclear. “But, I act as the sort of person that sits on floats and accepts medals and other ceremonial geegaws. And, when there is dissent, I’m the person that gets the beating. I accept that. It’s part of the job.”
Main Street, Curtberg
Glenn Chowder has lived here for as long as he can remember. He works at the gas station, in the belt department. “This is a good town full of good people. We don’t cater much to interlopers,” he notes, as he consumes his meal (the meal of the Lankvillian– a hot dog and some raisins) in the grass behind the gas station. “We try to keep the town clean of nonsense.”
People like to look out windows in Curtberg. “We like to see what’s going on,” said resident Debbie Didier. “Like to see if the fence is holding up, if the garbage cans are on their paving stones at a proper angle, that the lids are on straight. It’s the little things that are important here,” Didier added.
Although the sun makes its radiant appearance in the early morning, it rains often here. A pounding, vigorous rain that leaves everything soppy and moist. “We’re all pretty much half-wet all the time,” Solids noted, as we moved along Main Street, passing in and out of a series of clashing storms. “You buy, say, a 24-pack of beer from the liquor store and the cardboard container is sodden before you get it out the door. You know how cardboard just kind of breaks down and turns real floppy? Just flops all over the place, you can’t control it, why try? And then it lands in the street and all the cans roll down the hill. That happens pretty frequently, everyday in fact. And I buy the big cans. The cans with the new “vast cavity” for more accessible drinking. Have you seen those?”
“I don’t drink,” I admitted.
Solids looked off towards the mountains. “Well, anyway, a bunch of my cans are at the bottom of the hill. They throw some straw over them and that’s that.”
“Terminus,” he added, after a long pause.
Pastor Glenn Laboy runs the town’s church. “I give a Sunday sermon and we have some little room sessions where people talk about life issues that are bothering them– work problems, the ceaseless rain, how hard it is to get anybody to put out for you anymore. I don’t judge, I listen. My job is to listen.”
“Shall we read a passage together in celebration of your article?”
Byas-Kirk immediately ran out of the church. The article will be continued at a later date.
Challenge Ring Busted Top Cop Says
Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A massive Southern Outlands challenge ring was busted this morning according to Lankville top cop Houston Gee-Temple.
“We had a young man and woman, operating out of a modest rancher surrounded by hedges,” the intrepid lawman noted at a press conference held on the lawn of the home. “We believe that they were the masterminds behind most of the challenges in the Southern and Southeastern Outlands. We have boarded up the home and will be knocking down some of the hedges by the end of the day.”
Byrnes and Savers are led away.
An aide whispered something briefly to Gee-Temple at which time the detective amended, “we will not be knocking down the hedges, excuse me.”
The individuals taken into custody are believed to be Lance Byrnes and Diane Savers, both 18, of the Outlands.
“I knew Lance. He was an Honor Roll Student and a junior member of the Koala Bears and Walnuts Club,” Gee-Temple commented. “We believe that this Savers woman was the instigator– a willing wanton, a sordid she-wolf, if you will. She was a girl who was willing to do anything to get what she wanted. What we have here really is the provocative story of a naive young man caught up in a whirlpool of thunder, a hurricane of lust. It’s terrible when that happens to nice boys like Lance.”
The pair may be responsible for as many as 200 challenges dating back to 2011.
“[Diane] began her challenge spree confidently but it all came crashing down this morning when we knocked politely at her door and took her off to a place where she can no longer control the world by pulling her curves over its spherical surface,” Gee-Temple stated.
“That place is jail,” the detective added after a long silence.
Bail has been set at $50,000 (Lankville).
Oversized Beach Ball Accident Season Fast Approaching
By Brock Belvedere
NEWS YOU CAN USE
Summer is almost here in Lankville– a wonderful time of backyard cookouts, swimming, watermelon and boats. But it can also be a dangerous time and the season’s biggest killer might surprise you.
“It’s oversized beach balls,” stated Lankville Consumer Vulnerability Clump chairman Ump Marstons. “That’s what it is.”
Marstons refused to elaborate and became distracted by a series of internet photos of kittens in boxes.
This could be you.
According to the Lankville Consumer Vulnerability Clump, hundreds of Lankvillians are injured by oversized beach balls every year. Detective Houston Gee-Temple, however, believes the figure may be high.
“You have some incidents where women are lying about on patio chaise lounges, allowing the sun to cascade off their summer-firm haunches and then, BAM, they get hit by oversized beach balls, but I’m not sure it’s worth a story, Brock,” the intrepid lawman noted. “I monitor beaches, patios, yards and I have seen very few over the last few years.”
The LCVC however, disagrees, and have already begun littering Lankville with cautionary signs and billboards.
“It’s a serious issue. A serious, serious issue,” said Marstons, who became distracted again by a slideshow of kittens wearing little hats. “You’ve gotta’ watch out out there.”
The first day of summer is June 21st.
Jeepers Creepers, When Did He Get Mr. Peepers?: Pondicherry Has New Dog
By Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
There’s a new tenant at the Presidential Palace these days. President Pondicherry announced today that he has acquired a new dog.
President Pondicherry has a new dog!
“His name is Mr. Peepers,” the chief executive noted. “He’s yellow.”
Pondicherry has already distributed numerous photos of the “First Dog” and has asked Lankvillians to send him their thoughts on Mr. Peepers.
“Tell me what you think about him. Send him beautiful roses. Be poetic. If I like your response, who knows? Perhaps I’ll appear in your stairwell,” noted Pondicherry, in an online post.
Mr. Peepers is Pondicherry’s third dog since becoming President.
“The other two were also called Mr. Peepers. It’s a favorite name of mine,” he stated. “I am really blessed to lead our country during a period of great consequence.”
Pondicherry refused to answer further questions and ended the press conference early.
Shake Brought
By Dennis Updatables
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A shake was brought, sources are confirming.
“Yes, the lady brought my shake,” said Miranda Jennifers, age 11. “I…well, we…”
“We’re just having a leisurely lunch here at Mr. Snack,” interjected Cindy Jennifers, Miranda’s mom. “Just taking it easy with a couple of shakes. There’s nothing to report here. Go ahead, move on.”
Mr. Snack waitress Amanda Linda was confirmed as having brought the shake.
“Yes, I brought it to table number 11. It was strawberry. I…”
Linda sank into a period of confusion and the interview was ended prematurely.
Mr. Snack offers a selection of ten shakes.
“Sure, we can bring you any one of ten shakes,” noted manager Glenn Crispin, who was interviewed while overseeing the making of several shakes. “It’s a popular…snack…here at Mr. Snack. We sell…a lot of snacks. I mean, shakes. Shakes and snacks.”
The shake that was brought.
Crispin indicated that several further shakes would probably be served today.
“I…would imagine,” he said, before looking off into the distance.
Phone calls to Mr. Snack corporate headquarters were not returned.
The Jennifers family did not order any other shakes and left shortly thereafter.
Lankville Sit-Ins Target Pondicherry
Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville President Pondicherry is the target of a new political ploy: statehouse sit-ins.
Four groups, disappointed at Pondicherry’s alleged lack of action on recent issues, have held sit-ins this week in his modern reception room.
First, it was the Anti-Challenge League, protesting the rise of challenges in Lankville. Next, it was the United Vitiello Decorative Ham Managers, upset with recent debates over raising the minimum wage. Yesterday, it was the Parents of Bumpkins Union, asking for higher staffing in local schools. And today, Lankville Daily News contributor Dr. David Hadbawnik staged a sit-in for gourd awareness.
President Pondicherry is getting mixed reviews.
No group has come away with any major concessions but the parade of protesters continue.
Wanda Barn, one of the President’s receptionists (rated only a 2 of 10 by our staff but who I personally think is banging it out like some sort of smoking angel bomb dropped on the village that is my freak) has a casual attitude about the protesters now.
“It doesn’t even bother me anymore,” she said, sitting at her big desk in the corner of the reception room and filling out that pair of pleated cargo capris like a god damn champ. “Everybody gets their turn.”
Pondicherry usually meets with the groups after they have waited for most of the day. He says he doesn’t encourage sit-ins.
“It’s a phenomenon of our times. The institutions which shape our lives are not as trusted as they were in the past,” the President noted. “I have absolutely no philosophical or political thoughts on why this is– I have not spent very much time thinking about philosophy or politics.”
Once Pondicherry emerges and talks with the protesters, he gets mixed reviews.
“We thought he was a myth,” noted Pam Tucks of the Anti-Challenge League. “But we found out he wasn’t.”
“He gave me no satisfaction whatsoever,” said Hadbawnik. “He wouldn’t even look at my gourds.”
Ms. Barn says that the protesters often leave quite a mess.
“Pamphlets, decorative hams, gourds, some of the bumpkin children have pulled down the floor-to-ceiling drapes– we have the cleaners come in after each sit-in,” Barn noted.
“Where do I get that job?” I joked. “Chance to gape at such pulchritude while cleaning– doesn’t even sound like a job to me,” I added. “Sounds like heaven. Too much space between your lips and mine.” I gyrated lewdly.
Ms. Barn became embarrassed and the interview was ended prematurely.
Further sit-ins are expected tomorrow.
Royer Buys Box of Puppies
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Notable Lankville business magnate Ric Royer has purchased a box of puppies, sources are confirming.
Royer: Puppy Daddy
“Yes, it’s true, I have purchased the puppies,” noted Royer, who was interviewed in his Lankville High Hills home. “The dew of the light bathes all of our souls in perfume and the lambent flame brings us the continuity of consciousness. Now, let’s open the box of puppies.”
Royer tore open the box and seven puppies were seen to suddenly dart under some nearby furniture.
“What a light!” the executive exclaimed. “The rays consume me!”
The puppies are believed to have been purchased from an Outlands farm. Phone calls have not been returned.
“It’s very difficult to be alone in a fourfold dimensional world, possessing the Double Wand of Power (interviewees capitals) as I do,” Royer later stated. “These puppies will help me focus, keep me company and, later, as they grow older, they will be able to scare off or even eat intruders.”
“Now the mystery is done,” Royer added after a long period of eerie silence.
A press conference is expected later today.
Exciting New Scaffolding Takes Shape Outside Hadoobian Hall
Elliott Cumber-Lanny
Connoisseurs of the cable, sommeliers of steel, gourmands of the grommet, take note: an impressive new edifice has gone up outside Lankville State’s venerable Hadoobian Hall. The scaffolding rises some ten stories and, when completed, will provide easy access for visitors seeking alternative ingress to the building. It will also offer an aesthetically pleasing shell to what building administrators admitted was a rather staid and dated brick facade.
The scaffold bounty.
Noted mall architect Mike Squatch waxed nostalgic at the sight of the scaffolding.
“It’s such a classic touch,” he said. “Functional, sure, but forward-thinking as well. Just look at the way it catches the sunlight and breaks up the monotony of the building surface!”
“They don’t make them like that anymore,” he added.
Indeed, according to blueprints shared exclusively with the Lankville News, the scaffolding is of the welded aluminum-alloy type, with base sections in widths of 29-inch or 4-feet, six inches, and spans of eight feet between frames. It features two diagonal braces and one horizontal brace, and allows the placement of intermediate extension and guardrail sections, using individual end frames and braces. The scaffolding also boasts a leveling mechanism for uneven terrain. Provided that alloy couplers are used with the light but sturdy alloy tubing, the scaffolding should be impervious to corrosion, according to experts we consulted.
Prior to erection.
“Eat it, Peterborough Town Hall scaffolding,” said Squatch.
Of the several dozen passersby quizzed by this reporter, almost every single one expressed a tingly sense of amazement and wonder at the sheer beauty and scale of the scaffolding. One person admitted to outright awe.
“I have a morbid fear of exostructures,” said Susie P. Totenhotten, who works in a nearby building. “Anything with exposed framework just freaks me right the hell out.”
Still, Ms. Totenhotten had to admire the impressive vertical thrust of the scaffolding, and allowed that the rods and parts lying around gave her a certain visceral thrill.
“They’re just… sitting there,” she said.
She ran from the edifice, flushed and breathing heavily.
“The bottom line is, Lankville has been waiting for something like this for a long time,” noted Squatch. “With summer coming, you need exciting new architectural attractions – sure, we’ve got The Woods, the Mud Pits, and the roaring chasms of fire at Grand Southern Expansive Cement Grove Mall… but this – this is a game-changer.”
Kitchen Kerfluffle Leaves Hurt Feelings, Unsightly Mess
By Dennis Updatables
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
An ongoing dispute in the shared kitchen space in the Office of Financial Excellence at Lankville State University has entered its third week, with no resolution in sight. The dispute began when the last few drops of cleaning liquid were squeezed out of a large bottle of Barlow’s “Magic Hands” Detergent, a popular brand around the upper echelons of the Vice Presidents’ Citadel on the Lankville State Campus.
The “mess”.
The “Magic Hands” Detergent was not replenished, and the dirty dishes (and silent, seething frustration) began to pile up.
“Ridiculous … disgusting … Un-Lankvillian” were some of the words used by Susie P. Totenhotten to describe the scene in the kitchen. Ms. Totenhotten is second special assistant administrator to the Interim Vice President of Financial Excellence and often finds herself tasked with flushing out a coffee pot in the late afternoons.
Rebekah Wollstonecraft, part-time student assistant to the Interim VP, agreed. “Usually the ‘Magic Hands’ gets low, somebody leaves a Post-it Note on the cupboard above the sink, and the next week there’s a new bottle. Not this time.”
“I’m just a student,” she added. “It’s not my job to buy detergent for these assholes.”
Anger bubbles over at missing suds.
Dave Schlarsberger, 52-year-old Assistant Vice President in the Office of Financial Excellence, could not be reached for comment. His office released a statement of surprise and dismay at the state of affairs, however, while disavowing any responsibility.
“I don’t know what the world is coming to, I really don’t,” said Margaret Winchell, someone we stopped in the hall. “I understand that people are frustrated, they’re angry, tensions are boiling over and they have to come out somehow. But what does this solve?” she asked, gesturing helplessly at the neglected kitchen sink. “How does this help anything?”
Ms. Winchell hurried off in distress as a couple of burly men passed by with keys jangling.
As of press time, the “standoff” continued, with the Special-Interim VP of Extimate Affairs threatening to call in an outside cleaning unit if the mess is not dispersed soon.
Pizza Cabin Launches Cookie Pizza!
By Bernie Keebler
MEANINGFUL BUSINESS NEWS
Pizza Cabin today is rolling out a 12-inch chocolate chip cookie that will be sliced like a pizza – and delivered like one, if you like.
The cookie, officially dubbed the “Ultimate Chocolate Chip Cookie that Resembles a Pizza” is part of a partnership with Royer Chocolates. It will be $7.99 with a pizza, or $8.99 separately. The cookie is available for dine-in, pick-up, air-drop, or delivery at any one of Pizza Cabin’s 87 Lankville locations.
The new Ultimate Chocolate Chip Cookie that Resembles a Pizza from Pizza Cabin.
“Everyone at Pizza Cabin is ecstatic,” said Carney Mounted, chief marketing officer. “Our fans are in for an amazing, mind-blowing experience.”
“This isn’t your everyday cookie,” Mounted continued, her alabaster skin aglow with delight as she held up one of the pizza cookies to the assembled journalists. “Look at it!” she demanded. “LOOK AT IT!” she screamed. Tension crept into the room. Mounted grew hysterical. “IT’S A COOKIE THAT LOOKS LIKE A PIZZA!” she reiterated. “HOW IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS DECENT CAN YOU CONTINUE WITHOUT EATING THIS???”
It grew darker.
The pizza cookie is an addition to Pizza Cabin’s other offering, the Ovoid Dunkers, small balls of pizza dough topped with a touch of dark chocolate and sprinkles.
“DID YOU ALL GRASP THIS?” Mounted suddenly screamed, still holding up the pizza cookie. “I NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU HAVE GRASPED THIS?”
The executive was suddenly led away by some handlers.
To highlight the cookie’s launch, Pizza Cabin will host a “bake dump” offering the cookies, with 10 percent of proceeds going to various charities.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK