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Posts Tagged ‘Lankville’

Ask Catrin

February 10, 2015 Leave a comment
Catrin Lloyd-Bollard answers all your questions.

Catrin Lloyd-Bollard answers all your questions.

Catrin Lloyd-Bollard is an expert at answering questions.

Dear Ms. Catrin,

I have been married for a year and believe me, I really like my husband but he has one habit which really infuriates me.

No matter what I fix for him, he drowns it in ketchup. Eggs, cereal, candy, plate-sized shaved meats, it doesn’t matter.

I work so hard on my seasoning abilities and it’s all just a depressing waste of time when he gets through pouring ketchup all over it.

Can all this ketchup harm him? Will I harm him one day (I fear that, in my fury, I will murder him soon). What can I do?

LINDSAY
East Lankville Bay

Dear Lindsay,

Murder is usually an effective solution.

Confidently yours,
Ms. Catrin

——-

Dear Ms. Catrin,

There’s this sexy guy I know. Man, has he got it all going on. You should see him in pants. How can I let him know how I feel?

ALEX
Great Northern Mountain Area

Dear Alex,

Balloons are always nice.

With anticipation,
Ms. Catrin

———————————–
Dear Ms. Catrin,

At my high school, they serve very poor quality lunches. They don’t even clean the trays or the silverware or appear to run them under water. The hallways leading to the cafeteria are covered with lichens that seem to grow larger each day. There are gigantic pod-like vessels everywhere. Strange announcements are made daily. There is a chalkboard where they have a running “countdown” that they have never explained. What is going on?

SCARED IN LANKVILLE CAPITAL

Dear Scared,

Have you thought of bringing your own brown bag lunch to school? I used to prepare myself a modest ham sandwich everyday, and a little packet of hot chips. Smooth the brown bag down in front of you on the cafeteria room table and use it as a plate. If you decide to pack yourself hot chips as I did, you can eat them right out of the packet.

Now to answer your question, “What is going on?”:

Not much! What’s going on with you?

Yours affectionately,
Ms. Catrin

————————————-
Dear Ms. Catrin,

My son was jumping up and down on his bed and the bed broke down and the floor completely fell through. Now, every time I vacuum his room, I fall through the floor. What should I do?

Wendy
Lankville Partial-Ice Regions

Dear Wendy,

This reminds me of the time one of my bed slats snapped in half while practicing wrestling moves with my neighbor. “We are going to break the bed!,” I exclaimed in a shriek of laughter as my neighbor flipped me over and Atomic Dropped me onto the mattress. Sure enough, the bed broke.

Come to think of it, I still have yet to vacuum up the wooden shards. Bed still works fine, though. It was just a single slat.

With kind regards,
Ms. Catrin

———————————-
Dear Ms. Catrin,

I think I have already ruined my life. I stay up late, eat tons and tons of junk food and read nothing but terrorist attack novels.

I’m known as the one in the family that drinks an entire six-pack of soda in one sitting and eats can after can after can of tuna fish. Everyone is so worried about me that they are often moved to tears.

I’m writing this letter on a boat, by the way.

LOUISE
Boat

Dear Louise,

First, spread six ham slices with mustard. Next, peel six bananas, and roll each in a ham slice. Then, brush banana tips with butter–lovingly. Top with cheese sauce and, finally, bake 15 to 20 minutes.

Forever yours,
Ms. Catrin

——————–

Dear Ms. Catrin,

I have been dating the same guy for about a year. We get along well, laugh a lot, have the same personal outlook, believe in hell, etc. He says I’m his best friend.

The problem? I’m not his body type. I’m a petite blonde. He prefers chunkier women with short brown hair who wear jeans. He says if there was one thing he could change about me it would be for me to gain a lot of weight, dye my hair and wear some jeans.

What should I do?

BEATRICE
High Hill Southwestern Lankville Sands

Dear Beatrice,

Girl, you gotta get yourself over to the Downtown Lankville Two Bowl Spa and Salon. Pamper yourself with a bowl cut and a bucket-bowl of melted cheese. Those darling beauticians will ladle that cheese right into your mouth hole until your jean buttons burst (do go buy some jeans) — all the while treating your now-golden locks to the standard Lankville brown-bowl-cut-‘n-dye.

You’ll be looking like the tubby nine year old boy your man really wants to date in no time!

You’re welcome,
Ms. Catrin

Categories: Ask Catrin Tags: , , , ,

Advice for the Weary Head

February 10, 2015 1 comment
By Sarah Samways

By Sarah Samways

Sarah Samways is a contributing female.

It’s been awhile since we last spoke, Lankville, but I promise I have not forgotten you. I’ve been out in the deepest regions of Little Hometown on assignment and have been trying to stay alive. While I was dodging Molotov cocktails from threatening armies and avoiding booby traps, I insisted on staying positive (if only for my crew’s sake). It’s all about perspective, now isn’t it?

We went on foot to discover if any bumpkins had scurried into the trees out of fright. I wanted to know what was going on here but again, I had fallen short of any real answers. I scribbled things on bits of leaves at random parts of the day, tossing aside the ones that I deemed incomplete thoughts on the spot. These equations only fueled more theories and none of them mattered. A young, nervous sort of fellow fell upon my leaves and decided to role play as a reporter, flipping things if only to pass the time in this crazy, messed up place. I looked around but my crew was no where to be found.

“So, you went to Lankville University right?”

Humorous stock photo that we purchased from this guy that we met online.

Humorous stock photo that we purchased from this guy that we met online.

“Yeah…”

“Cool, you from Lankville?”

“No, I didn’t want to be in Little Hometown anymore so I traveled far away to Lankville.”

But there we stood, right in the heart of Little Hometown; it made not one lick of sense but life is like that, ever-cycling. He became more nervous, muttered something and then left. I muttered something sympathetically and returned to my leaves. A member of my journalistic crew reminded me of a slap across the face that I had given someone in need several years ago and it made me think of you, Lankville.

Lankville, you aren’t as fragile as you were to be perceived in daylight. You won’t fall down. When someone gives you a good punch in the face, it’s probably filled with roses. Think of all you’ve lived through and think of all you’ll continue to live through. This life was not meant to be easy, it was meant to be interesting. There has to be some little part of you that you feel contributes to something, anything bigger than yourself (or at least your Reckoner)! You have to take time to breathe. Meditate, drink some tea, clip your toenails, feel yourself up in a corner somewhere, if that’s your fancy. Whatever you do, don’t let doubt be your only friend. Now, they say that those who divvy out advice rarely adhere to or struggle daily with it, and I wholeheartedly agree.

Namaste,

Sarah

Categories: Sarah Samways: Contributing Female Tags: , ,

The Five People You Meet in the Lankville Subway

February 10, 2015 Leave a comment
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

Riding a Lankville subway train to work or play is a rite of passage for local denizens. Whether one is rushing to make it to class at Lankville State University, hurrying to an important meeting near Pondicherry Square, or simply taking in the sights on the Elevated Express to the Lankville Partial Icy Regions, the subway is a nexus of adventure and surprise. Having spent many years riding our august rails, this intrepid reporter brings you a dossier on the most frequent characters you’ll encounter in the Lankville subway – hopefully with a “Hail fellow well met!”

1) The Winter Guy. He’s wearing a big, thick coat with a giant puffy hood. Probably some kind of annoying, loud, clompy boots. There will most definitely be a backpack slung over his shoulder, with little zips and ties and mountain-hikey things hanging off it.

Figure 1: "The Winter Guy"

Figure 1: “The Winter Guy”

2) The Female. Technically not allowed in the subway unaccompanied by a male relative, the female often flouts this law and finds her way down the from the street like a leaf or a plastic bag tumbling in the wind.

3) The Breather. This person always seems to find a way to sidle up next to you on the platform or in the train and just stand there, breathing. Seriously, have you ever had to listen to someone breathe, right up close and in your face? Breathing in, breathing out, making soft little gurgling sounds deep in their throat, like a strangled scream.

4) The Shilly-Shallerer. Not to be confused with the Dilly-Dallerer or the Jibber-Jabberer, the Shilly-Shallerer is a certain kind of unfortunate soul who seems to populate the subway in great numbers. Bound to appear before you at the exact wrong (but ultimately whimsical) moment, fumbling in his pockets for a subway token or handcuffed to a railing.

Figure 2: Standard View of the Lankville Subway

Figure 2: Standard View of the Lankville Subway

5) The Cretin. Always a good source of “on the street” information, the Cretin moves through the subway like hemoglobin through a well-primed artery, often endearingly disheveled, hair swept back roguishly and collar undone, grinning at passersby with yellow-brown teeth.

Such are the storied figures you’re bound to meet in the tunnels that hum underneath our beloved Lankville. So step into the station, grab your token, and join us “underground”!

Categories: Lankville Action News: YES! Tags: , ,

Pizza Blues by the Slice: Brian Schropp on Cuisine

February 4, 2015 Leave a comment
By Brian Schropp

By Brian Schropp

Well, it was bound to happen sometime. I knew the game was up when BOTH my Mom and Dad sat me down at the table.

“Son, we are just going to be as straightforward with this as possible. We found you a job, you start tomorrow and you’re going to keep this one.”

” But Dad I—”

“A PAYING job,” my Mom burst in, knowing I was going to bring up my food critic gig for this paper.
“You will work forty hours a week and every cent you earn will go back to pay for the lawsuit Hank Cameron won.” (YES, this did happen but through a court order I am not allowed to write details).

“But Dad I–”

“No more about him being a jerk. The Judge said you had to let it go and also stay four hundred feet away from him at all times,” my Mom chimed in again with a steel-glazed look in her eyes.

There were a few moments of awkward silence.

“So where am I heading to?” I asked.

“I happen to know the owner of “Pizza ‘A’ Round” which is on the Southwest side off Deep Northern Suburban Lankville Plaza. In fact, he is an old college friend of mine.”

I dropped my head on the table and groaned. “That’s the worst pizza place around. Only the really poor and people who don’t know any better order from there. I will lose all my cred working at a place like that.”

‘My old friend is taking you on knowing the reputation who have made for yourself. He’s sticking his neck out. If his insurance company knew he was hiring you his rates would skyrocket. You will go in there, do the job, do whatever they tell you in fact.”

“Please guys I beg, I am delicate— you know, other relatives say so.”

“Jesus Christ,” my Mom muttered under her breath.

“You will be ready to go by 8:30 tomorrow morning.”

Waking up that early!!! I knew in my heart this was going to be a disaster. I tossed and turned in bed that night thinking about starting this job– even wearing my “footie” PJs offered me little relief. I tried my CB to get a hold of my friend Trucker Joe but he was clear across Lankville and came in scrambled. With no one to turn to, I lay in dread with thoughts about the horrors that awaited me.

The next morning came quicker than I hoped. I heard my parents and siblings get up and start getting ready. This was the time I usually thought about what type of breakfast sandwich I would be having or what daytime game show I would watch after everyone would leave. But not any more, I was entering the real world.
Finally the knock came at my basement apartment door and my Dad stuck his head in– “Time to get up now.”

After he left I slowly got up and dressed into my “Pizza ‘A’ Round” standard uniform. I endured the snickers of my fellow siblings as my head hung low at the breakfast table. There was a very slight concern when I stated I wasn’t hungry but I forced down a strawberry toaster pastry for the long morning ahead. Then it was off in the car fighting the traffic and listening to the “witty banter” of Lankville’s favorite morning DJ’s on 102.3 “The Beat”. I could have still been in my bathrobe microwaving my third bacon egg biscuit but alas.

My father dropped me off right at the front door of the “Pizza ‘A’ Round”. There were no speeches, no promises– he sped off while I walked to the front door. The place didn’t open for a few hours so the door was locked, I tried the handle a few times out of sheer lack of not knowing what to do. After a few minutes of just standing there, a slightly large and scary man noticed me and came to the door. “Hey, new guy! You’re late!” Tension already at the workplace, I started shaking slightly and mumbled about the door being locked.

My manager Scott has this picture of himself on his desk.

My manager Scott has this picture of himself on his desk.

“You didn’t see the buzzer next to the door?”

It was then that I noticed the buzzer next to the door. His eyes bore into me like the rage of a thousand burning suns. “Just get in here.”

We went inside and into a small office. He said his name was Scott and was the manager of the place, the owner’s “right hand man” so to speak. “Before we start anything Bri, the paperwork, the business of pizza- making, the art of the sale I need to ask you one question. How do you feel about gun control?”

I am in my heart of hearts a truly liberal man. I believe that most difficulties could be resolved with a nice chat over breakfast sandwiches instead of violence. But I saw the picture on his desk and knew what my answer was going to be.

“You can’t really have enough guns,” I blurted out quickly. “I mean, you never know who will attack you or how many might attack at one time.”

His eyes bore into me again to see if I was telling the truth. Somehow, I passed. “Yeah, especially South Lankvillians– you can’t trust them.”

He then rattled on about guns for a few minutes. I zoned him out for awhile and took a look out the office window into the pizza place. To be honest, the industrial complex that laid before me was a little intimidating. The pizza oven was huge and roared with life. The puzzling topping stations– one for pizza and a whole other one for subs. The dough-making area– there was already a person there slapping and whirling it in the air like a skilled circus performer. The row of telephones which at this early hour was already ringing. I was going to have to learn all of this!!

Scott could tell I had lost focus on his rant. He placed his hand on my shoulder and squeezed slightly hard. “Just remember, I’m the boss around here and I have guns.”

We walked out of the office and over to the ovens. “So Bri, I haven’t even asked you yet, have you ever worked in a pizza place before? Handled one of these ovens? One of these bad boys?”

I tried to explain about being a notable food critic for the Lankville paper and my long history of enjoying delivery pizza. He stopped me after awhile.

“Have you ever worked a real job before?”

I told him about various part part-time jobs I had had. “Pete’s Slacks Emporium” (probably the longest running job) and “The Jingle Jangle” (which sold the little bells you could put on your Santa hat at Xmas time).

He shook his head slightly. “Thought you haven’t, can always smell you guys out. I once had a guy in here much like you not making anything of his life and thought he could handle the pizza trade. We made the mistake of putting him on the ovens the first day. I need to show you a picture of what happened to his hand. I’m sorry but you need to realize the seriousness of this job.”

He took out a picture and was truly horrified.

The picture Scott showed me.

The picture Scott showed me.

“Poor bastard didn’t stand a chance. The real shame of it all was the burn looked so much like cheese it was accidentally sent with a pizza.”

I told Scott I was feeling a bit whoozy and needed a small break. He shook his head slightly yet again and nodded over to the phones. “The phones for some reason have started ringing early. Probably school has been delayed and these damn fat high schoolers want a pizza before going. Sorry Bri, no time to really train you. Just going to have to throw you in there.”

It was then I realized that the phones I noticed from Scott’s office were only the first row of telephones. There were three other rows where a number of people were already dashing about answering and taking orders.

I slowly made my way over to start—-

Next article- Pizza Blues By The Slice Pt.2 “My Work day Begins”

Categories: Cuisine by Brian Schropp Tags: , , ,

OPINION: I Sat Down. And then, Instantly, I Began to Sink into the Cube

January 30, 2015 Leave a comment
By an Unfortunate Man

By an Unfortunate Man

IMPORTANT OPINIONS

It was a white room full of stars, patches and a cube. There was a chair. It looked comfortable so I sat down. And then, instantly, I began to sink into the cube.

It lasted hours. A long transformative period inside the cube. There were great swaths of vermilion interlaced with thick globs of pallid ochre. And then I was reincarnated as a dispossessed god-figure struggling to re-establish my dominion in the far-future.

There was a great orb of a moon. It was very near and filled the night with radiance. And then they said, “stop looking at the moon velex* and step into the challenge polyhedron.”

There it was before me. A hideous, abominable polyhedron. I had no choice but to step inside.

I fought the other dispossessed god figures all night. I was the victor. Slowly, my hegemony would again be recognized.

*The author has informed us that “velex” is a synonym for “asshole” utilized only in the distant future.

Categories: Crime Log, Opinions Tags: , , ,

Sanduny Spa and Pharmacy

January 29, 2015 Leave a comment
By Eric "Desiree" Gelsinger

By Eric “Desiree” Gelsinger

The following is a paid advertisement.

There she was, ten feet tall above me, presiding over an enchanted window. Yea, from that day forward I lived in thrall to my local pharmacist’s charms.

She appeared and disappeared. She was a goddess. Or, was she something else? I remember the hammering of my heart as I stretched to hand her a script for my warts. She was so much more mysterious than my school nurse, so much more dangerous.

I had graduated.

My early education took place in the front of the store, where I was brutalized by wonders and joy. Candy, and balloons on sticks. Trying to fit the overfull balloon on the overlong stick into the station wagon, one would pop, the other would poke you in the eye, and you’d look down to find your palms ravaged by splinters. As for the candies, you couldn’t smash them apart with a heavy scotch tape dispenser, and forget about getting your mouth around that massive wad. My classmates dislocated jaws, broke teeth, or suffocated.

But I survived to walk deeper through the store. Beneath a burned-out tube of light I wandered between the haphazard racks of toys for poor/dumb kids, and the beach toys in the dead of winter.

Sanduny Spa and Pharmacy (photo by John Barlow)

Sanduny Spa and Pharmacy (photo by John Barlow)

The seasons changed, I grew older. I trespassed into The Periodicals. How many hours did I spend on rubber legs, paging through those magazines under fluorescent lights that seemed to leave me helplessly exposed? Each session would last until my queasy feeling gave way to confusion, bodily weakness, and an obscure feeling of injustice that even today constitutes the foundation of my morality.

At last I came of age, and now there I was: the very back of the store. I was afraid my sneakers would squeak, and held my breath as I approached, but I made it. I stood before the tabernacle of adulthood, the pharmacy counter. And there she was . . . .

In the months and years to follow, the sexpot pharmacist reigned over my fantasies, a drug-dispensing despot. She’d take me for a “consultation” and lay me down. One by one she’d place orange-flavored aspirin on my tongue until I couldn’t feel my “sprained wrist,” or anything but a sweet torment I didn’t know by name . Then she’d walk her fingers down her stockinged leg, and from her perfumed shoe insert produce my eczema crème. Her gaze trained upon my face, she’d crush the sweet metallic tube until every last ounce was surrendered like a charcoal snake to her milking fist.

And at last, the expert application. All over again, yet for the first time, I was faced with the problem of stuffing an over-inflated balloon and unmanageable stick into a confined space

What was she thinking during all this? It was impossible to say. She was so professional, so in control. I, needless to say, was not. I’d open my mouth to speak but she put a finger to my lips – a finger that glistened within a mitten of hydrocortisone crème which webbed her ministering digits with gunky clumps.

When I came to, it hit me. Just what Lankville needed. Yes, some say Lankville has it all, what with our Sanduny Spa and other things. But only now does Lankville truly have it all. Introducing THE SANDUNY SPA & PHARMACY featuring Lanvkille’s own TOPLESS PHARMACISTS! One hundred percent zero top on (make that, not on!) every pharmacist supplying you with fungal crèmes, rosacea treatments, scabies cures, foot-odor palliatives, obesity pills, impotence remedies, and all the rest of your pharmacy needs.

So come on down to the Sanduny Spa & Pharmacy. Tell them Desiree sent you. She always does.

Categories: Challenges, Contests, Offers Tags: , ,

Still a Little Miffed That Nobody Loaned Me Their Boombox

January 29, 2015 Leave a comment
By Zach Keebaugh

By Zach Keebaugh

So, this isn’t an official Lankville article or anything but I just wanted to say that I’m a little miffed that nobody loaned me their boombox. What’s up people?

About a week ago, I let everybody know that my new squeeze Pat and I were going camping and that we needed a boombox. I figured on getting at least three or four boombox options from readers. Instead, I got nothing. I couldn’t believe it.

Pat wasn’t happy about it. We went camping anyway but we didn’t have much of a time. Pat needs music. Me, I don’t care none but Pat likes it. Anyway, we broke up.

Just hope that next time I need a boombox, I get a better response, that’s all I’m saying.

Categories: Lankville Action News: YES! Tags: , , ,

Feelings NOW! by Dr. Kevin Thurston

January 29, 2015 Leave a comment
Dr. Kevin Thurston is in.

Dr. Kevin Thurston is in.

Dr. Kevin Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.

For a long time, my column was just known as “Feelings”. That is because there was then no sense of urgency. Things have changed, however. We have progressed. We have grown. We have personally expanded. We are FEELINGS NOW!

The FEELINGS NOW! project is changing Lankville, one man at a time. Our inaugural event was last weekend, right outside of the Lankville Pyramid Area, on a semi-grassy hill next to some utility sheds. Participants feasted together, danced to the music of the “Tenderly Protectives” band, and were engaged by a “social clown” (me, in a clown outfit) who challenged men to embrace their own inner-clown. We engaged in “shadow conversations”, in which we talked to our own shadows in the second person. “Spaces of Trust” were established as well as several “Merchandise Arenas” in which participants were offered unbeatable deals.

Despite these successes, Dr. Thurston is still available for one-on-one Feelings Sessions. Understand, however, that the sessions are much more dynamic. Understand, too, that my office is much more dynamic. There is an aquarium now. The aquarium is lit from above by multi-colored, high-definition LED lights. The aquarium is full of strange squids. The shell of the ancestral squid has been lost. I will ask you to contemplate this and how it relates to manhood today. Some of the squids may be for sale for $79.99.

The FEELINGS NOW! project will be coming to a hill slightly outside of your area soon. Sign up today. Sign up NOW!

This article has been paid for by Dr. Kevin Thurston.

Categories: Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston Tags: , , ,

President Pondicherry on the State of Lankville

January 29, 2015 Leave a comment
President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry

We must always be guided by the philosophy that made Lankville great.

As Lankvillians, we believe in our vigorous thrusting power. We can thrust forward and, by thrusting, create a powerful future full of meaning. We must believe in the ability of free peoples to make wise decisions, empower themselves and babies, and thrust always forward.

In the long run, Lankvillians can be confident of economic growth. But, in the short run, we can see that there is absolutely no growth at all. This is a conundrum.

We have taken steps to address this. There will be education– we will put an end to all those schools that disappeared and were replaced by malls. A task force is looking into that. And we will draw a blank on no babies. That is my new program- Draw a Blank on No Babies. Education begins with babies. We will educate them until they are adults and then, hopefully, they will find jobs in our new, giant, accelerated economy.

But I encourage: keep thrusting. I want you to tell me about your thrusts. Tell me how much you like to thrust. I want to hear about it. So much– more than you ever know.

God Bless You and God Bless Lankville,
President Pondicherry

Categories: Presidential Addresses Tags: , , ,

Horoscopes by Sheeba Incaviglia

January 29, 2015 1 comment
Sheeba channels the future.

Sheeba ramps up some future.

AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)—You’ve grown bored lately with television and word puzzles—consider challenging yourself by engaging in charity work this month. Travel to a monstrous neighborhood full of monstrous people and distribute half-turkeys. Remember, the indigent often have no teeth so if you’re bringing a desert be sure it’s crumbly.

PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)—The month will be trying for Pisces. Hail, the size of bottles, will fall upon you and you will feel the anger of a maniacal God. You will race on towards something unseen and unknown, through deep, thick-walled cellars in ancient houses. You will chain yourself to the stone wall, throw dirt in your own face, trying to excise the demons. There will be no hope for you though. You know it.

ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)— This is a good time to be happy-go-lucky. Buy that gaudy yarn you always wanted or drive up into a field and knock over an electrified fence. Go where the fun is.

TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)— Tautuses should be calculating this month. This may not be the time to walk through backyards full of pointless holes with old banners strung between two trees that read, “HAPPY EASTER, LES.” You have to ask yourself, “What kind of person will I find here?”

GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)—A good friend may turn into a whirlwind romance this month. You’ll just be sitting around, watching a space show on TV and eating from a loosely-arranged plate of thin meats and the next thing you know, you’re being torqued like a jenny. Just remember: what feels good now might be undesirable later; although in this case, might as well go for the gold.

CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)—You cannot shove your creativity aside but you can learn to funnel it. Imagine a series of “mind pipes” inside your vast head—the creativity will slosh through the “mind pipes” to touch all areas and be expelled upon craft paper, crochet boards or into culinary concoctions. Your shimmering brilliance will be instantly acknowledged.

LEO (July 23/Aug 23)—In the past, you’ve been accused of apathy—important to really care this month. Really care a lot and hard. Make it an alternately gentle and then suddenly violent hardness that will peak at just the right moment. Look forward to this sort of activity.

VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)—Might be a good time to exercise some brain cells—you’ve been reading a lot of little pamphlets from grocery stores lately. Get out a piece of paper and write down some examples where it would unrealistic to keep bins open as more items “arrive” from space to be packed, rather than to close the bins permanently based on otherworldly criteria. Show your work.

LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)—You’ll get back on track once you stop hanging out in that basement with those disgusting orange stools and those guys with the occultist ideas. You’ll find that your reputation will easily be restored.

SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)—It is important to always express your feelings. This can be anything from, “I don’t like these pizzas, I’m sending them back” to “when we made love, I saw a big, beautiful female moon from which I gained my energy.” As long as you’re honest and straightforward, you should never be afraid. If you are still afraid, just keep some guns nearby.

SAGITTARIAN (Nov 22/Dec 21)—Sure, you’ve got a little side porch that looks out over some fields. And sure, you can put out a TV tray with some lemonade and a baking sheet of fries. And sure, you got a radio and you can pull that antenna out and receive distant signals from over the mountain. Thing is, this town is cursed. It’s haunted. It’s got the devil in it. It’s your call.

CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)— It’s a good time to hold up a mirror and recognize your issues. Might be a good idea to stop getting all your clothes for free by answering questions about the kind of car you’d like to have. It’s depressing. It’s depressing to look at you with those car dealership t-shirts and baseball caps. Get to work—recognize your unique qualities but for the love of God, get rid of those t-shirts.

Categories: Horoscopes by Sheeba Incaviglia Tags: , , ,

Lankville State University Now Hiring an Assistant Professor of Pow!

January 28, 2015 Leave a comment

At Lankville State University, we don’t have students. We have “learning partners.” And we don’t subscribe to tired definitions of subjects and time periods determined centuries ago by men in funny hats who kept small animals up their sleeves to keep warm – men who left us with vague rubrics like “the Lankville Renaissance” and “math.” Instead, we invite our learning partners to interact with faculty on common ground that meets the dynamic needs of our exciting, ever-shifting modern world. If that sounds like the kind of vibrant environment in which you can help others learn, grow, and thrive, you might be our new Assistant Professor of Pow! The Assistant Professor of Pow! will work under the Provost of Pizazz in concert with the Dean of Dopeness, and be affiliated with the Office of the Vice President for Excellence in Zip-a-dIgital-Doo-Dah (OVPEZIDD).

Also, we have a girls volleyball team.

Also, we have a girls volleyball team.

Can you push our learning partners to that place beyond ordinary knowledge, taking the tops of their heads off, twisting them around, and filling them with glitter bombs of wisdom equal to a thousand burning suns? Can you lift them right out of the classroom and make them dance like marionettes with a million volts of logos running through their limbs? Please send a cover letter or Lanktube video explaining how your particular brand of enthusiasm would contribute to the mission of the Lankville community; a one-word teaching philosophy; and a Super Sick Syllabus that demonstrates your skills in Ill Communication with potential learning partners at Lankville State. The superior candidate will ignore these instructions and surprise us or, better yet, leave encrypted cyber-clues as to the whereabouts of their application materials.

Deadline February 15; candidates chosen for fruitful interactions with search committee will be notified via the Lankville Town Crier at Pondicherry Square.

Categories: Offers Tags: , ,

Royer Plays Hero in Two Separate Incidents

January 23, 2015 Leave a comment
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Notable Lankville business magnate Ric Royer knows the meaning of the words “good citizen”. He put them into action twice yesterday.

In an early morning incident at an Eastern Lankville Burger Rex restaurant, the enigmatic executive repelled several youths who were taunting an elderly woman.

“Although there are many Burger Rex restaurants, I enjoy patronizing the one with the paintings of heaven on the walls,” noted Royer. “I find the contemplation of little angels soothing while I drink my chunky coffee.”

Royer then explained the details of the incident.

“Some youths walked in and began picking on an old lady. At first, it was fairly ordinary, harmless stuff like calling attention to her advanced age, writing on her shirt, gentle poking. But it quickly became nasty and I knew that swift action would be necessary.”

Ric Royer: Star and Good Citizen.

Ric Royer: Star and Good Citizen.

Royer noted that he carries a large chain with him for such just purposes.

“I got the chain out and started swinging it around and stomping my foot. The leader of the gang shouted “LET’S GO. LET’S HIT THE ROAD” and they ran out and we noticed then that the chain had pierced the new soda machine, the one where a man comes on the screen and asks what kind of soda you want and so there was some clean-up involved and then I gave the old lady $40.”

Four hours later, Royer played the hero again.

“I was at the elastic furniture store and a pregnant woman was eating some small round burgers and she suddenly began choking. Everyone else had disappeared, so I launched into action.”

Royer says that he utilized diverse wrestling moves to expel the small round burger.

“I was not familiar with any traditional safety maneuvers,” he explained. “I was born in Lankville Falls, after all. The woman was so grateful that she will be legally changing her name to “Ric”.

All around Lankville, Royer is already being lauded for his efforts.

“I was back at the Burger Rex later that night, feasting on a Rodeo Burger and I saw a blimp appear out the window. My name was written on the side in lights,” the enigmatic mogul noted.

President Pondicherry has already announced plans for the presentation of a medallion.

“Ric is a great inspiration to us all. He is the ideal Lankvillian and not the kind of person we usually have is who is just fat and sits around,” the President noted.

Plans for further ceremonies will be outlined today.

Categories: Lankville Action News: YES! Tags: , , ,

Odds and Ends by Brian Schropp

January 23, 2015 Leave a comment
By Brian Schropp

By Brian Schropp

BRIAN SCHROPP ON CUISINE

Another cooking tip I have learned the hard way– when preparing any type of pasta MAKE SURE THE WATER IS AT A FULL BOIL BEFORE PUTTING THE PASTA IN!!! You can’t just put a pot of water on the stove, start heating it, and throw the pasta in at any point. (Thanks Mom) And DO NOT add any type of sauce while the pasta is in the water– you need to heat the sauce separately. I know, it’s boring standing there waiting but some things are worth the wait! Despite these minor setbacks in the kitchen, I still believe that in the future I will pull off the creation of some sort of breakfast-style pasta option. I recently made a chipped beef on garlic bread which was a big hit to me (not so much the family) and feel I am on the cutting edge of a possible new and exciting food trend.

People have been writing to me this past week asking if I was upset that Hank Cameron, Manager of Foodville, took all frozen breakfast sandwiches options out of the store. Hey, it’s no skin off my nose if that jerk wants to bankrupt his store. I only hope the owners of Foodville will read my 27-page letter (which I mailed the other day) where I plead my case for why this man is incapable of running any type of grocery. I highlighted the most scandalous things (like changing the expiration dates on the honey baked hams and marking up the price of East Island sausage whenever he thinks some East Islander is coming into the store) in case they don’t want to read the whole thing. Actually 24 out of the 27 pages were rendered in a comic book type format to make it easier to read. I can only hope the owners will be smart enough to listen before it’s too late!!

Hank Cameron-- nearing the precipice.

Hank Cameron– nearing the precipice.

The BSU (Breakfast Sandwich Underground) has taken action against Mr. Cameron by sending fake pizza deliveries to his house non-stop (with the bills on some exceeding $100 a pop!!). And with thousands of pizza delivery options in Lankville, and with many of them open 24 hours, I don’t see this stopping anytime soon. One of the members said they drove by his house yesterday and there was four different delivery cars in the driveway and pizza boxes stacked up against each side of the front door (doesn’t the fool realize you can’t leave the food out there like that or else you will attract Super Squirrels?). The person also noted that Hank Cameron was chasing one of the delivery guys around his yard with a rake in his hand, yelling at the top of his lungs. Has Mr. Cameron reached his breaking point? Shouldn’t he do us all a favor and maybe go on a extended vacation somewhere?

The promise of the new sub shop off Blackenship Rd. proved to be a hollow one. The owners opened their doors with the delivery of the actual sub rolls still not there. So they decided to try a “high-five special” where they actually high-fived the meat and toppings of the sub into the customer’s hands. Well, the sweat from the hands got the better of most people and the vomit flowed like wine. The health department was there in no time to shut the place down and beat the owners once the doors were closed (customary procedure, I’m told). Blackenship Rd. has been cursed by the lack of a good sub shop for a long while. The last one– “Subs’N’Suds” was a promising idea in which you were served your subs while taking a bath in an old fashion bathtub. If they only fully thought out the idea (like changing the bath water between customers) maybe the health department would of allowed them to remain open. Keep your fingers crossed a decent sub shop will find a home there soon.

Please remember to keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas.

Happy eating!!
BRI

Categories: Cuisine by Brian Schropp Tags: , , ,

Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.

January 21, 2015 Leave a comment
Dick Oakes, Jr.

Dick Oakes, Jr.

It was evening. Some guy pressed a booklet into my hand. “This booklet is your assurance of quality, comfort, safety, cleanliness and friendly hospitality,” he said. I asked him what the hell it was to him, anyway– he tried to answer but then he vomited in his mouth a little and lurked off.

It was a side-stapled guide from the Lankville Motel Association. There was a little sign on the front with their name on it. Above, it said, “Look for Our Sign”. I skimmed through it but I didn’t figure on it mattering none.

I wandered around the spent downtown area for awhile but there was nothing going on. Then, I headed for the outskirts. After a mile or so, I saw the place up on the left.

I walked into the office. Bunch of lobby furniture done up in pea greens, saffron and flowers. There was an old paunchy man with glasses behind the counter. I couldn’t figure on any of it. I lit a cigarette and tossed the match into an ashtray.$_57

“Those ashtrays have the name of our establishment printed on them,” the man said. “It says “El Patio Motel”, did you notice?”

I coughed. It started to rain heavily. The old guy wasn’t noticing it. The rain was slamming against the front doors now but he kept his eye on the ashtray. I heard a loud boom from upstairs somewhere. None of it was figuring right but I rented a room anyway.

It was done up in pinks and oranges. There were more ashtrays– too many ashtrays, all with “El Patio Motel” printed on them. Then I noticed everything had “El Patio Motel” printed on it– the guy had really gone to town. The trashcans, the complimentary soaps, the chairs, the carpet, all had it.

I pulled the shades and got undressed. I could see the little town down the ways, twinkling sickly, like the embers of a campfire in need of being stamped out. I heard the boom again, upstairs again but I didn’t mind it none. Then, a knock came.

It was the paunchy guy. “Need any ashtrays?” he asked. He had a whole stack of them in his hand. “I think I’ll be alright,” I said. I held the door against my unclothed frame. “Well, if you need any, you can use the service telephone there on the desk. It has our name printed on it. Just dial the number seven. That’s printed on there too.” He went away.

I put the television on. There was static, then some organ music, then a picture. It was a feed of the front desk. Nobody was there and then the paunchy guy was there, organizing some hand towels. It went on like that. I couldn’t make sense of none of it. I tried some other stations but it was all the same, all just the front desk.

I got in bed and slid some lurid pamphlets purchased earlier in the day out of a brown paper bag. After awhile, I put the TV back on. I couldn’t figure on why.

This is how you picked it, Oakes, I said to myself.

The night passed.

Categories: Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr. Tags: , , ,

Shopping Bag Falls Over, Causes Haunting

January 20, 2015 Leave a comment
By Grady Kitchens

By Grady Kitchens

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

A shopping bag has fallen over causing a haunting, sources are confirming.

The bag, full of produce, was placed against a kitchen wall by Ms. Hannah Agrarian-Curtains, 28, of the Central Lankville Rural Area.

“I was hurrying to answer my phone and I placed the bag against the wall and it wasn’t propped up right,” said Ms. Agrarian-Curtains, who was sobbing intermittently. “I should have known what would happen.”

Ms. Agrarian-Curtains claims that the collapse of the bag kicked off a chain of events, the repercussions of which are still being felt in the area hours later.

Artist's rendering of what Ms. Agrarian-Curtains saw on her kitchen wall.

Artist’s rendering of what Ms. Agrarian-Curtains saw on her kitchen wall.

“The sky went a sort of yellowish color. I looked out my back window and saw a man in the alley who was sadly waving at me. It was more of a wave of “goodbye” than “hello.” Then, suddenly, one of the kitchen walls was illuminated by what appeared to be a series of letters coming from some ungodly, abominable, cursed film projector. They flickered horribly for ten seconds or so and then they flamed out. They just said, “THE END”.”

Ms. Agrarian-Curtains sobbed uncontrollably.

Detectives were called to the scene but could offer no explanation.

“We took all the people in the neighborhood into custody but the man in the alley was not located nor was the old, haunted projector,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “It’s a crime with no solution,” added Gee-Temple, who began examining Ms. Agrarian-Curtains’ spice rack in search for clues.

“I just wish I had properly put away the bag of produce,” noted Ms. Agrarian-Curtains.

A press conference is expected later today.

Categories: Lankville Action News: YES! Tags: , , ,