Archive
I Want to Tell You About How My New Boyfriend Just Got a Guitar
By Ashley Pfeiffers
I want to tell you SO MUCH about how my new boyfriend just got a guitar!
I couldn’t believe it when he told me. “I bought it to write songs for you, Ash,” he said. I JUST ABOUT DIED. Now, he brings it with him wherever we go. We went to the mall the other day and he just suddenly sat down by the fountain and started playing. “Every song I write is going to have your name in it, Ash,” he said that day. I was so nervous and shaky that part of this giant cookie I bought from the food court kind of folded over on itself and fell into the fountain. We are so in love!
Twin Removed Pines Mall where my boyfriend played his guitar to me.
We were making out the other night and he suddenly stopped and put his finger up. “Wait right here, Ash,” he said. He brought the guitar into the room and started plucking some of the strings. “Sorry, Ash, I just got inspired. Inspired by your kisses.” I couldn’t believe it. We just have so much in common.
“You ever think about just, you know, renting a van?” he said last night. He strummed a chord for effect. “Yeah,” I said even though I had never previously thought of renting a van. “You know, just taking that van and going to Western Lankville?” he said. “Um hmm,” I replied even though I had never previously thought of Western Lankville. “We’re gonna’ do that, Ash,” my new boyfriend said. “Mark my words, we’ll just ride off one day,” he added.
We are so in love.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Haunted Bridge Abutment
By Ric Royer
I saw the catalogue sticking out of his bag before he saw me.
“Hey! Asshole! Bring me that catalogue!”
He looked up. He was trying to do the house next door first.
“You do that house first and I’ll shoot you dead, God as my witness”. I was bluffing but he didn’t know that. He walked over slowly.
“I’m a federal employee,” he said, handing me the catalogue along with a batch of other letters that I immediately dropped into some hedges. “I’ll have you arrested.”
“I’ll burn your truck to the ground,” I countered. “Then what will you do?”
He said something but I missed it. I was staring too hard at the catalogue.
Back inside, I immediately opened the catalogue and the laptop and began ordering items in a blind, indiscriminate fashion. About 100 trains, all different gauges, some structures, a huge ferris wheel, some track nails, tons of figures– “Man with pants”, “Cougars and Cubs”, “Hot Dog Wagon”, “Toilet Scene”, they had everything.
In the comments section, below my order, I wrote: FUCK YOU PEOPLE! as I always did.
Three days later, the order arrived in six separate tremendous boxes. The postman shot me a disgruntled look. I kicked him hard in the ass as he walked away. “I’m a federal employee,” he said again.
“I’VE GOT TRAINS!” I screamed. I began crying and removed my shirt. “DISAPPEAR! FOREVER!”
Just as he was climbing into his truck, I crept up behind him and whispered, “You’re inhuman“. He didn’t care for that at all. Then, I dragged the boxes into the basement and began tearing them apart in a slipshod, desultory manner.
I came to the box labeled SCENERY. I screamed for no reason at all as I tossed aside utility poles, bendable armatures, potted flowers and fuel tanks that I could not possibly hope to find a use for. And then I came to the bridge abutment.
It was packaged in ordinary factory shrink wrap. I fingered it delicately. And, in return, I received an awareness of some grim, unmentionable horror. I knew right away that the bridge abutment was haunted.
And I have never truly recovered.
Still No Answers in Boat Accident
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Despite reports citing speed, alcohol, and massive mental illness playing a role in the December 3rd boat crash on Lankville Vortex Lake that killed 11, a federal Fish, Boats and Flotation Device officer told The Lankville Daily News that the investigation is far from over.
Brent Massey-Aunt, FBFD officer and one of two officers who investigated the accident, said the incident is “still being probed.”
“Whenever there is a boat accident, a lot of stuff sinks to the bottom of the lake or pond or whatever it may be,” noted Massey-Aunt, who was interviewed while he stood at the water’s edge piercing the lake surface with a long stick for reasons unclear. “And we are still looking into the unbalanced and deranged nature of all the known persons aboard. All 11 were complete maniacs but to what extent, we are unsure.”
Here’s a boat (example).
Massey-Aunt continued poking the water with the stick. Nothing further was offered.
“The thing about speed [is] even at slow speeds, when you have fiberglass smashing into rocks, you’re going to have significant damage,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who also responded to the scene. “We have to look closely at the rocks. We don’t have a lot [of] answers until we do that. Hell, we don’t even know where the [bodies] are right now.”
We asked Gee-Temple if they might be at the bottom of the lake.
“Could be, could be at the bottom of the lake. Definitely. They could also be in the woods. They could have been stolen. Eaten. Lot of possibilities Lloyd.” The intrepid detective opened a file cabinet and then closed it quickly.
“Why don’t you let the professionals handle it?” he advised.
It is unknown if any of the victims were wearing flotation devices.
“The answers are currently wrapped in a present of mystery,” said Massey-Aunt, in reference to the upcoming holidays. The officer then accidentally dropped his stick into the lake. “Damn,” he said quietly. “Damn. Can’t catch a break.”
A press conference is expected in the next few days.
THE UNHINGED: An Interview with Tom “Vapor” Rayford
An Inflamed by Stars and Blood Exclusive Interview
Most new Tom “Vapor” Rayford films are a cause for celebration in the horror community. And it is true to say that The Unhinged is a return to form for Rayford, after his 2007 horror/western flop The Dusty Hills Near the Edge of Nightmare and Some Other Hills. Inflamed by Stars and Blood had the opportunity to sit down with Rayford on the set of his newest film due for release late in 2014.
IN: What was the set of The Unhinged like?
TR: Extremely tense and uncomfortable. We all pretty much hated each other.
IN: I’m shocked. How did you manage to endure?
TR: Several times the film nearly fell apart. We had a terrible time with the slow canal boat. It just never did work right and it made everyone angry and hateful. I hate all of them, actually.
IN: What about Crystal T. Slago? For those fans that may not be aware, you guys are married.
TR: No, I pretty much hate her too. I hate this film.
IN: I…I’m not sure what else to ask.
TR: You could ask about my authentic Native Lankville Indian village that I constructed over there on that table. It’s made of wood shavings.
IN: I…
The interview completely collapsed and was ended prematurely.
OPINION: What Do You Get When You Put a Bunny in a Room Full of Partially-Deflated Balloons? A Very Happy Bunny!
By Ida Rumpus
It started like this. We had a big birthday party for my boyfriend Glenn’s 40th. It was a lot of fun– I made him a big clown head. He claims he never said anything about liking a big clown head but, trust me, he did. Many times.
Slips runs with a balloon.
A few days passed and all the balloons started to partially deflate. Well, I gathered them all together in the dining room with the intention of eventually icepicking them into oblivion and putting them in the garbage (such a sad, sad process– it’s murder, really). Anyway, I also figured I’d let our pet bunny “Slips” into the room, just to get her out of her cage for a few minutes. We call her “Slips” by the way because she has epilepsy and actually does slip a lot. Well, Glenn came up with the name anyway. I don’t really like it. I wanted to name her “Felicia”.
Anyway, “Slips” started playing around with the balloons. It was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, literally. She would occasionally climb on top of the balloons. Then, she started carrying the balloons in her mouth and running with them. Well, it’s really just those two things she did. But so cute! Just super-cute.
“Slips” is super-gentle too! She didn’t pop a single balloon.
Rumpus suddenly had nothing else to say and the story just ended unexpectedly.
I Ain’t Buying No Ugly Fucking Plush Snowman
By Fingers Rolly
I had been screaming and cussing at the desert, that relentless brown cracked whore, for about four straight hours and firing shotgun shells off into the distance at nothing and so I figured I better go into town and see about a gift for my grand-niece for fucking Christmas.
I don’t have any idea how I got there. Next thing I know, my truck is up on a curb and the god damn toy store is in front of me. I went in and wandered around for awhile. Fucking zoo, it was. I finally found some little pasty faggot wearing a red vest. I said, “Here– where is that snowman everybody’s been talking about?” He led me over to a low shelf. Must have been about ten of them down there.
Course, I couldn’t bend down to reach them. So, I stood in the aisle and made an angry, low buzzing noise for about fifteen minutes just thinking about that jerk-off desert, that broken brown asshole. When I came to, I called the pasty little pixie over again. “Bring one of them up here so I can look at it, would you?” I wasn’t happy about it none but the little queer didn’t catch on.
Lord Christ as my witness, you wouldn’t believe this thing. Huge and plush, ugly as sin, big fucking carrot nose. $39.99. “Are you assing around with this price?” I yelled at the little twilighter. He put his hands up and muttered something about that being the price and him not having power to change it. I dropped the fucking snowman right then and there and eased up to him. “You want to take this outside right now? I’ll kick the piss out of you,” I challenged. He backed off and went away somewhere and I let out a long howl on account of the desert coming into my mind suddenly.
I didn’t get the fucking snowman and now here I am, back at the kitchen table, screaming and cussing out at the desert.
I don’t recall driving home.
The Lankville Daily News would like to apologize for the preceding article. Mr. Rolly was assigned on article on Christmas cookies.
Gump Penetrates
By Gump Tibbs
It’s time for another penetrating interview with Gump Tibbs. Today, Gump interviews cuisine columnist Brian Schropp.
GT: So, Bri, you have that little column in the paper where you write about foods?
BS: Indeed I do!! I’m trying to get out and review as many places as possible but certain circumstances make it hard. I’ve been told by certain family members that I’m a “nightmare behind the wheel”, so I stopped trying to get a regular license. I do have a “Lankville Semi-Provisional Scooter License” but my scooter keeps getting stolen by neighborhood ne’er-do-wells (or sometimes super squirrels). My good friend Trucker Joe gives me a lift here and there if he isn’t “big riggin'” down the Interstates. I’m trying to review all the hot spots readers might not of heard about yet. Well, either brand new popular spots or places that have some sort of breakfast sandwich or nacho cheese or canned meat option. Well, now that I think about it maybe not so much new and popular places, just places with the other stuff.
GT: Absolutely fascinating! Do you eat all kinds of foods?
Brian Schropp: “I Eat What I Personally Call “The New Suburban Soul Food”.
BS: I eat what I personally call the “new suburban soul food.” In particular, breakfast sandwiches and all their endless delightful possibilities. Something about eating them brings peace to my otherwise “raging, explosively-unbalanced soul”.
GT: How many foods [sic] groups are there?
BS: So many!! In the breakfast sandwich biscuit group alone you have many sub-groups. Tender (my personal favorite), frozen, fresh frozen, organic, high-rising, low-rising, International and then some of those sub-groups have their own sub-groups. Trying to wrap your head around them all can be as challenging as high school algebra (or so I hear– I graduated by completing business math). I guess that’s why you have food critics like myself, to help make sense of it all.
GT: You always say “Happy Eating” at the end of your articles. Do you think there are people who are unhappy?
BS: I think we all sit in our “basement apartments” and cry wearing only our boxer shorts sometimes.
GT: Do you think these unhappy people would be happier if they were eating? And why?
BS: I truly believe Gump that people who eat what I call “new suburban soul food” can lift their minds and spirits out of the dark places. Some people need to worship gods or use charms and crystals, you know all that new-agey type of stuff. But are they really fulfilled? Are they really one with the cosmos? I’ve achieved that and more just on nacho cheese alone.
GT: Really terrific. You have a lot of exciting adventures. Do you want to go fire some guns into the woods?
BS: Can we shoot them off in the woods behind Hank Cameron’s (Manager of Foodville) house? He gets really freaked out when myself and members of the BSU (Breakfast Sandwich Underground) blow stuff up back there.
(The two men suddenly darted off and the interview was ended prematurely).
Gourds on Christmas? YES, WAY!
By David Hadbawnik
David Hadbawnik is Lankville’s premier authority on pumpkins and gourds.
I know what you’re thinking. Gourds– they’re just for Halloween and Thanksgiving. Gourds on Christmas? Nope, too late, no dice, never in a million years. Plain and simple, NO WAY!
Detail of Hadbawnik’s Nativity Scene which he doesn’t want you to copy.
Well, I’m here to tell you something different. I’m here to tell you: YES, WAY!
Think about it. A typical bottle gourd with a smaller bulb on top makes for a perfect snowman or Santa Claus. You can even paint on a red hat or simply purchase or knit your own. Smaller gourds make ideal Christmas ornaments. You can paint cats on them. Or beautiful winter scenes. Or gingerbread cottages. Anything your mind can envision can be painted on your Christmas gourd.
For the advanced gourd-a-holic, try hollowing out the inside of your specimen and placing a beautiful LED light inside. I’ve had visitors say– “Jesus Christ, why is that gourd on fire?” I always laugh and tell them about the journey. Every gourd ornament is a little journey.
This year, I made a nativity scene (all out of gourds) and put it on top of my TV set. But feel free to do your own thing (actually, I’d prefer it if you didn’t do a nativity scene– that was my idea, after all). And remember, every gourd is a blank canvas. All it needs is you.
This Week in Lankville
By Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
AMUSEMENT PARK UNVEILS FEATURE RIDE
In an unmarked video sent to The Lankville Daily News, a spokesperson for the highly-anticipated new amusement park “Sensational Mons Island”, revealed details of the centerpiece ride of the theme park.
Still from the strange video. showing the narrator having his mouth probed.
The grainy “Quad-Type 7 Tape” video, which was left on the steps with the handwritten label “for news” shows a pasty gentleman at a desk delivering the following statement: “It is my duty to alert the people of Lankville that the greatest amusement ride ever will soon be available for your mounting. I cannot describe it. I mean, literally, it cannot be described in words. The ride, which will emerge from the quaking earth every night, does not subsribe to formal logic. It comes from a realm of previously unvisited imagination where formal concepts of structure and engineering are nothing more than mist and spray. Just know that you will be taken by the ride if you are willing, then you will climb seventy steps along a balustraded parapet until you reach an upside down platform that is seemingly suspended by light. A gust of nature foreign to you will then will take over and you will scream and scream and scream… with wonder! And the ride, she shall be called, The Dizzy Wizzy.”
A single bead of sweat is then seen to roll down the forehead of the spokesperson as he stares intently off to the side. A close-up is then shown of the same man with a latex-covered finger probing his mouth. The video promptly ends, and is followed by the remainder of a program about the proper etiquette for eating crabs in mixed company, which had been taped over.
HORSE QUICK (1955-2014)
Horse Quick is now dead.
Gift-giving expert and Lankville Daily News correspondent Horse Quick has died. The columnist was 59.
“Mr. Quick was killed in a challenge,” noted Detective Gee-Temple. “[The challenge] is a great scourge of our times. It demeans us as a people.”
Gee-Temple yawned expansively and began staring at a set of encyclopedias which were suddenly dropped into his office by a heavily-cloaked figure.
“I better look into those encyclopedias,” the intrepid detective quietly noted, as he ushered us out of his office.
Feelings at Christmas
By Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Thurston is an expert in men’s feelings.
This is the time of year when many men visit me to discuss their feelings. “I’m overwhelmed by the obligations, I don’t know how to express my feelings, I’m very bad at wrapping gifts,” are common complaints by men during the holidays. Generally, I put my hands together in a pacific manner and say, “how do you feel about this?” We call this method the “Thurston Jump-Starter” and it generally leads to a potent and productive dialogue.
Masculinity is a continuum. A patient might have a certain amount of masculinity while he, say, hefts a bag of dirt onto his shoulders but far less while he fussily arranges tinsel around a doorway. The idea of having a gender could be interpreted as a series of life gains and losses. Also, I have a number of great items for sale right now, perfect for the holidays. Assorted monogrammed stockings, mostly towards the end of the alphabet (see if you can find your initials!), pajama bottoms, glass Santa figurines, lot of great stuff.
Dr. Thurston with a patient at a recent “Feelings Rally”.
As we lead up to the holidays, we will participate in several “Feelings Rallies”. These will occur daily at various smaller stadiums and arenas. Men from all over Lankville (and maybe the Islands) will celebrate Christmas together and also employ a framework for masculinity influenced by my earlier theoretical work (available in a series of pamphlets, $5.99 each, $29.99 for the set). Comes in a little slipcase made of hard paper.
Continue to embrace, love and buy.
My Name is Mike Squatch
By Mike Squatch
Architectural Correspondent
My name is Mike Squatch. I am an architect. I designed Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena.
I have three boys. A few years back, I lost my wife in an incident that still is being investigated. A few days later, I was hanging around the bus station when I met Sally. She was a perky little blonde wearing a fine pantsuit and after several months of dating, crying and shame, we were married. Sally has three girls. Her husband hanged himself in their garage.
Here I am at work in my studio. We love Lankville.
We all moved into a house of my own design in the Lankville Sun Belt. It’s a fine split-level with a grand but streamlined staircase and wall-to-wall carpeting in pale yellows and greens. At first, we hired a male maid of my choosing but Sally ultimately dismissed him in favor of an unattractive little spitfire named Miss Grubers. Miss Grubers really keeps us all in line, I’ll say that for sure.
We have many little light entertainments to tell you about. There was the time that my oldest son Kirk decided to put in privacy hedges. I encouraged this but at the same time was leery. Sure enough, the hedges did not grow at all because Kirk had not used any peat. What are you going to do? These kids! We love Lankville.
Then there was the time that Sally’s youngest daughter Vera ripped her new pants and tried to repair them herself using hog wire. What a caper! Fortunately, Miss Grubers saw her trying to go off to school with the wire piercing her thighs. Miss Grubers really keeps us in stitches, you know. We love Lankville.
Mr. Vitiello and I have a close relationship. I admit to several intentional errors during the construction of the arena. For one, there is a vacuum in parts of the upper deck. Additionally, we installed a series of heat pumps that were designed to lapse into sudden, unannounced states of vapor lock. Thus far, though, Mr. Vitiello has not whipped me. I have seen him remove the top of his gold bourbon flask (the top is decorated with a little red glass decorative ham, the color of a ruby) and I have seen him remove the whip in my presence. And I have even asked, “Are you going to whip me?” to which he merely says, “that depends”. Nothing further has happened.
I also intentionally fall asleep on the sofa in my den. Sally wakes me up though.
We are married.
INVESTIGATION: What the Hell is Up at Local Pizza Joint?
By Zach Keebaugh
Paladin Pizza in Central Lankville has been in business since 1972. They operate out of a mean, one-story building nestled in front of a defunct factory. The parking lot is cracked and worn and the sidewalk in front of the door has nearly returned to dirt. The windows are covered by weather-beaten cardboard and the lighted sign has been burned out ever since I started living above the knives and puzzles shop across the street.
Finally, I had had enough. What the hell is up with this place? I aimed to find out.
I am Zach Keebaugh: Investigative Reporter.
I went in at lunchtime. The small, poorly-lit seating area was completely empty. Pieces of newspaper littered the floor. It felt like no heat had been on in the place for ages. There was no counter– merely a ragged chasm in the brown paneling that offered a view into the kitchen. A pulpy middle-aged face suddenly appeared in the breach.
“Let’s have a pie, make it a large and a steak sandwich too,” I called out. The pulpy face nodded very slightly and then disappeared. I took a seat and looked over the ancient laminated placemat. There was a little maze on there– you had to lead the pepperoni through the maze to the pizza on the other side. That was cool, that occupied me for a little while.
It was then that I became aware of complete and total silence. Nothing moved through the chasm. It was the absence of sound that stunned me, it was an absence of life as well. They have killed all their customers it suddenly occurred to me. The ovens are inoperable. There will be no pizza. There will be only the end. This is your denouement Keebaugh, I thought.
“Yo,” I called out. It was desperation, more than anything else. The pulpy, expressionless face returned. “Yo, are you making that pizza, that steak sandwich?” I started backing away towards the door– I could feel the thin strands of sunlight as I drew closer. The pulpy face said nothing. Relax, Keebaugh I thought. I breathed.
And then a bag was pushed through the chasm. The bottom was covered in grease. But there was something inside. It was the sub (and, as I unexpectedly found out later, the pizza too). They had shoved the pizza into a paper bag. It was eldritch, this pizza, made by phantoms.
I threw a twenty at the chasm. Some change somehow appeared.
“Enjoy your meal,” the chasm said. The pulpy figure was gone. I looked at the chasm. It grew suddenly grey outside. Nothing further was coming, I knew it. I thought about approaching, thought about trying to get a glimpse into the kitchen. But there was just no way, man. It was over. I had to accept it. The chasm had accepted it.
The pizza was good though. And so was the sub.
That’s what you should take away from this, man.
BREAKING: Area Girls Just Ganking The Holy Hell Out of This Guy
By Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A group of area girls are just ganking the holy hell out of this guy, sources are now confirming.
“They encountered the victim early this morning in the parking lot of a Soft Carpet Locus store,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “And they are just ganking the holy hell out of the poor guy.”
The area girls that are ganking the holy hell out of this guy.
The girls are believed to be the same band that got up in everybody’s shit in late October.
The victim, who is unidentified, will be treated at Eastern Defoliated Area General Hospital following the cessation of the ganking. The extent of his injuries are currently unknown.
“The girls are doing a thorough job on the poor guy,” noted Gee-Temple. “You’re going to see all the injuries associated with a hardcore ganking.”
Politicians, law enforcement officials and church people are already calling for measures to stop the rash of teenage getting up in people’s shit and holy hell ganking that has plagued Lankville for the last few months.
“It needs to stop now,” said President Pondicherry, who plans to address the nation later this afternoon. “People should feel safe walking our streets or shopping for soft carpets. It’s bad for business, bad for our community.”
The Lankville Daily News Guide to Gifts for Her
By Horse Quick
News you can use
She is your everything. She is your soulmate. Your eternal love. She holds the key to your heart and your happiness. You are blessed. But what gift is good enough for her at Christmas?
We can all agree that Christmas is a beautiful time of the year. But, let’s be honest, it can also be extremely stressful and over-stimulating and finding that perfect gift for that special someone isn’t always easy. The purchase of thoughtless gifts for your girlfriend, wife or casual lover can lead to disappointment, tears and shootings. Thankfully for you, Horse Quick is here with the ultimate holiday gift guide for the sunshine of your world.
Yard Office from Worlds of Royer
1. Yard Office by Worlds of Royer
Nothing says “You will always be engulfed by the waves of my love” like a Yard Office from Worlds of Royer. Laser cut to ensure accuracy, easy to assemble. Interlocking parts keep the Yard Office perfectly aligned– she will appreciate the symmetry. Doors can be positioned open or closed– allows for her to set the mood. She’ll know that she is your light in the darkness with the Yard Office from Worlds of Royer.
Quonset Hut by Schoenfeld House
2. Quonset Hut by Schoenfeld House
The new 1:87 scale Schoenfeld quonset stands as a perfect symbol for the bond of man and wife or girlfriend and boyfriend. Fully-assembled, ready to go straight out of the box, this quonset hut is made of detailed molded plastic for that realistic feel. She’ll swoon over the plug-in illuminated light inside (not visible from outside).
Portable toilet from Saffran Modelers
3. Portable Toilet by Saffran Modelers
Romance is about attention to detail. And the Saffran Modelers delivers just that. She will love detailing modern construction, park or carnival scenes with this layout-ready portable pottie, scaled from actual prototype dimensions. Injection-molded plastic will last as long as your love. Prepare for that twinkle in the eye of your delicate flower when the Portable Toilet by Saffran Modelers is opened on Christmas Morn.
And that’s a wrap! These gifts are sure to bring sunshine and gather up rainbows for your special someone over the holidays.
Horse Quick is an expert on gift-giving. He has written for newspapers, magazines and free pamphlets since 1988. From 1994-1997, he was on Death Row.
Now, More than Ever, WE ARE LANKVILLE: A Message from the Editor
By Marles Cundiff
That’s right. Now, more than ever, The Lankville Daily News is your paper. You, the reader, makes us whole. We are all Lankville.
We are Lankville.
Because we now cover the world, we have a new logo. It’s a beautiful logo and it was made by a guy that we found sleeping on a table in a public bathroom. We trusted him. We gave him a job. And we have been proven right. Although he often screams aloud, he is a great man. He is Lankville. We are Lankville.
When the Lankville Daily News started (way back in 2008), the only stories we ever seemed to scoop were small fires and Ric Royer’s shopping trips. Now, we cover the world. We have horoscopes. We have Small Motel Girl Wrestling. We have men’s feelings. But we are more than just the news. We entertain, we inform, we probe. We can tell you how to cook a chicken properly, how to prepare for your retirement and how to acquire more trophies. We can titillate you with romance, we can intrigue you with new products and our outstanding collection of diverse opinions will make you think about the hard-hitting issues that face us all– from new boyfriends to getting punched in the face and everything in between!
Our logo designer. He is doing pretty well now.
We encourage you to peruse our paper with increased gusto, particularly as the days fly by into weeks and then into months and then ultimately into years. Because our paper, your paper, is our chronicle. It is our life archive. It is our running history. It is you.
You and me and them. We are Lankville.
MARLES CUNDIFF
Editor-in-Chief
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
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