Archive
Area Racks Now Featuring Balloons
By Bernie Keebler
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Area racks are now featuring balloons, sources are confirming.
“Yes, we’re witnessing quite a preponderance of these “balloon racks” noted local analyst Gene Shelby, Jr., who made use of air quotation marks in his utterance. “You can find them generally at the end of long aisles or sometimes near restrooms. They come in variety packs– in other words, one can attain a diverse quantity of these “balloons” that, when “inflated” will reveal a manifold series of shapes, colors and sizes.” (Shelby utilized air quotation marks again).
The balloons are affixed to free-standing racks such as this one.
“I’m pleased about it,” noted Lankville business magnate and former mall-dweller Ric Royer. “As most are aware, I have had a complex relationship with balloons in the past. Yet, I still welcome their appearance. We had several racks at the mall!” (Royer became very loud at the end of his last sentence before abruptly ending the interview).
Sources are conflicted as to who owns the racks.
“We are not exactly sure,” stated area grocery store employee Gary Sparklers. “I lock the door at night and open the door in the morning. Sometime during the night, they are restocked. It’s mysterious and confounding.”
Sparklers was suddenly shoved into a large display freezer which was then tipped over. He is currently recovering at a local hospital.
“Data indicates you’ll be seeing more of these “balloons”,” added Shelby, again utilizing air quotations for reasons unclear.
Guy at Meeting Acting a Little Arrogant for Someone Who is Stone-Cold Bald
By Brandy Transfer-Tables
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A guy at a meeting in the Lankville Tall Business Building Arena is reportedly acting a little arrogant for someone who is stone-cold bald.
“First thing in the morning and BAM!, Derm comes in and just starts acting pompous and haughty,” noted employee Dennis Fairboy, who works with the offender Derm Layboards at the Grebov Brothers Telescope Company. “I mean, he’s stone-cold bald. He should remember that.”
Other meeting attendees noted that Layboards is normally meek and mild-mannered.
“Something got in his crawl today and he was pitching some serious swagger,” said Lisa-Pam Yothers, who works in telescope quality control. “He sure wasn’t acting like a guy wearing a cheap synthetic blend shirt and who is as bald as a concrete wall.”
Derm Layboards is bald but he acts arrogant.
Layboards, who handles promissory telescope notes from customers, said he was fully aware of his conceited attitude.
“I just had enough of these meetings where people with hair are obviously favored in terms of speaking order and seating proximity to the heaters. So, I walked in there and took what I wanted. And they all listened and took notice.”
Layboards said he plans to be even more brazen at the next meeting.
“I’m taking control of the slide projector. And I will dominate it during the entire meeting,” noted the mid-level employee whose head is a barren, splotchy desert where hair fights a losing battle to find purchase. “It’s my time now,” Layboards added after a long, intense silence.
I Got a Community Project You Can Help Me With
By Del Midnight
Outstanding, Informative Opinions
Yeah, just read that piece about that guy that likes to help with community projects. Well, I got a message for you Lankville. I got a community project I need help with right here!
Know what I’m saying?
It’s a big project. Not for the faint of heart. Gonna’ require a little elbow grease, a lot of heavy lifting. This project needs someone who’s not afraid to get down on their hands and knees in the slop, know what I’m saying?
Yep. A big project that needs an extra hand. Or two. Or more.
It’s right here.
The Lankville Daily News would like to apologize for the preceding article. It is not our policy to publish lewd articles.
Why is this Old Lady Staring at These Stuffed Animals in this Weird Way?
By Zach Keebaugh
A ZACH KEEBAUGH REPORT
I’ll admit it. It’s been awhile since I’ve worked. I needed something and fast. So, I took a job in a toy store.
I’m working right now. And there’s this old lady staring at these stuffed animals in this really weird way. It’s freaking me out, man.
She just keeps holding them at different distances from her face with that same demented smile. It’s crazy. Phil, the boss, he came over and asked me to go offer to help her. I was like, “Forget that shit, Phil.” He left and I went back to sorting the stuffed penguins– arranging them in rows by height. But I kept an eye on this crazy old broad.
This is the crazy old lady I was telling you about.
I took a closer look. It was a bear and a tiger. What in the hell is the difference between a bear and a tiger? They’re both winners. How can you go wrong? Why the hell would it take, like twenty-five minutes to figure that shit out? It’s a choice of two, yo! Make it and be DONE with it.
So, in the end I bet you can’t even guess what this nutty grandma did. She left them both. Didn’t even buy a single one of them! Christ, I wanted to carom one off her noggin’ as she waddled on out. “Can you believe that fucking shit?” I said to Phil. Phil was all, “C’mon Zach, no cussing on the floor.” Phil’s religious- I always forget about that.
Here’s the two stuffed animals that the old lady was pawing at.
So, I had to go see for myself what the hell was up. I picked up the bear and I picked up the tiger and then I put ’em side by side just the way the ol’ gal had ’em. I couldn’t tell any difference. So, I tried putting the same weird look on my face, staring at them in that same weird way. For a minute, I felt something strange, like something supernal, from beyond our world. But it passed quick and then it was, like, nothing.
I put them back on the shelf and now I’m headed to lunch.
Fuck it.
Ungodly Blood-Curdling Scream Alerts Customers to Pizza Arrival
By Linwood Probert
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Popular pizza delivery chain Suddenly Mama Pizza! has instituted a new “blood-curdling scream” that will alert customers to the arrival of their order.
“The customer will place their order,” explained owner Jerome Koosman from his offices in the Western Lankville Cliffs Business District. “Twenty, thirty or ninety minutes will pass and then an ungodly, bloodcurdling scream will erupt from all corners of the home or apartment complex. They’ll know then that their order has arrived.”
Suddenly Mama! is expected to implement the idea this Friday.
“We’ve done some testing in certain lower-class areas and the idea has worked well,” noted Koosman, who was interviewed while in the middle of laying off an employee who waited hesitantly in a nearby chair. “We have a lot of problems with customers not answering their doors or having faulty doorbells or delivery men not understanding the idea of “knocking”, so this should help expedite things.”
The chain would not elaborate on who would be doing the screaming but noted that the delivery person would not be involved.
“No, there will be a separate scenario acted out nearby the house or apartment building,” Koosman added.
When asked if actors would be hired to perform the ungodly, blood-curdling scream, Koosman grew confused.
“Not at all. They’ll be no acting in this scenario. Eventually, the scream won’t even be human.”
Suddenly Mama Pizza! boasts 317,284 locations throughout Lankville.
The Small Towns of Lankville
By Brock Belvedere
A LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES! “SPECIAL REPORT”.
New River in the Southeastern corner of Lankville is comprised of a sleepy main street, some hills, a luncheon counter, an aging theater and two fast food establishments. There is a lovely, weedy park with a really big giant anchor memorializing the ten thousand New Riverians killed during the War of the Depths. The Lankville Southern Mountain chain is visible far off in the distance.
People in New River speak in clipped, short sentences. They are good people, people initially bound to the soil, freed only recently by the steamroller of modern commerce. “I farmed for 45 years,” noted an old-timer who refused to be identified. “Then, they came along in a car and one guy yelled out STOP IT! and that was that.”
The old-timer paused to spit into the dust. It grew darker.
The famous really giant big anchor of New River.
For many years, New River was the famous home of the Great Bewildering Blimp of the Home Country, a tremendous dirigible airship that was once the apple of Lankville’s eye. “After awhile, people lost interest,” noted aviation historian Andre Thornton, who possesses many books and videotapes on the subject. “The thing was kind of ponderous as it went up into the sky at a speed of about five miles an hour and passed weirdly over the landscape like some sort of outlandish air teat. It was terrifying. And so they eventually threw it into the Old River. And then that caused a lot of problems with flooding and drainage and so forth, so then they blew up the old river and built a new river, hence the name of our town.”
Thornton smiled idiotically so we punched him in the neck. The interview ended prematurely.
Famous celebrity Randy Pendleton was born in New River. The town erected an enormous sign a few years back. “Randy is obviously one of the greatest human beings of all-time, so for him to be born here, in a modest house in an alley, is a great honor,” noted resident Von Hayes, who is known as the “unofficial” mayor of New River. “Randy’s ascent to stardom is even more amazing when you think of how he is the offspring of simple people of the dirt, cast down off the Plains of Lankville into our towns like vermin down a watery slide,” added Hayes.
The Loamy Theater was built in 1932 and is nestled on the main drag between a closed storefront and a closed storefront. We were invited to a showing of a recent documentary on famous New Riverian Pendleton. Although we missed 2/3 of the film (because of candy), it was a marvelous display of affection from Pendleton’s relatives, friends and local lovers. “We’ve been showing “Dandy Randy” for over a year,” noted theater operator Tobias Harrah. “It’s been great for the town.”
Spillner’s Luncheon Counter
The early movie throng make their way slowly over to Spillner’s– the venerable luncheon counter. Sporting a darkened main eating area decorated with empty (but lighted) aquariums, Spillner’s has been serving New Riverians for nearly 65 years. Randy Pendleton has eaten here and the superstar signed a glossy black and white which hangs over the fry station. “We’ve seen the Great Bewildering Blimp come and go and then we’ve seen Randy and we’ve got a nice little town legacy here,” said owner Dan Spillner. “There is a silence here that I appreciate, a silence in this luncheon counter and the way the orange carpet curls up around the edges suddenly, quickly as one watches and the way the brown paneling begins to sort of peel off the walls. It’s quite fascinating.”
Spillner presented us with the bill which was over $300 (two breakfasts, two soft drinks). An argument ensued.
But arguments are rare. There is peace in New River, a soft, wafting peace. It’s like the gentle breeze that kisses your behind when you have your pants down outside. It’s like the soft kiss of a new lover. It’s freedom. It’s Lankville.
Brock Belvedere’s “The Small Towns of Lankville” will continue in future issues.
Famed Cafeteria to Shut its Doors
Mrs. Larry Temple
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
An iconic cafeteria in the heart of Lankville’s Great Eastern Grassy Suburban Area will close its doors on Friday.
The Giant Tart cafeteria has been in continuous operation since 1957.
“It’s been a good run,” said founder Dennis O’Fashioned Candies, now 91. “I checked out years ago and have been kind of coasting on sub-par food ever since. It’s time to let go. It’s time to prepare for death.”
The Giant Tart Cafeteria is entering its end times.
O’Fashioned Candies has already begun selling off furniture and fixtures to passersby, including his famed “Giant Tart Mold”, the longtime staple of the cafeteria.
“Tart’s gone. Long gone. They’re won’t be any more giant tarts,” the enigmatic restauranter noted.
Devotees meanwhile have been lining up for one final meal.
“It’s a landmark, definitely,” noted Daily News cuisine editor Brian Schropp. “The Giant Tart is where my new ideas in breakfast sandwiches first germinated. They used to serve a dish that was two pieces of toast and an egg and sausage. I remember staring at the plate thinking– what if we stacked all these items? That’s when it all started for me.”
Schropp noted that his final meal at The Giant Tart was a mix of nostalgia, tears and discomfort.
“I was told if I wanted a chair and table, I had to buy them and take them with me after I finished,” Schropp stated. “I ended up crouching in a corner. Everyone seemed incredibly angry and impatient.”
O’Fashioned Candies plans to serve one final dinner Friday night and be closed by 8PM.
“After that, I’m burning whatever’s left and that includes the building,” he noted. “So get down here early.”
Hadbawnik, Royer, Samways, Schropp All Honored at Luncheon
By Gina Bradley-Komminsk
David Hadbawnik
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES! Lankville Daily News columnists David Hadbawnik, Ric Royer, Sarah Samways and Brian Schropp were all honored yesterday at a downtown luncheon held in an office park that was later completely destroyed by a mysterious fire. Hadbawnik, Royer and Samways received huge, unwieldy trophies and Schropp was awarded the “Lankville Golden Dish” for his cuisine reviews.
The ceremony was hosted by notable celebrity Randy Pendleton.
“It was a great honor,” noted Hadbawnik, who was struggling to hold up the elephantine trophy as photographers snapped away. “I feel I’ve done some important work this year on gourd-awareness and mud pits and I’m lusciously delighted beyond measure that people have noticed.”
Sarah Samways
Hadbawnik later had to be hospitalized after suffering a slight groin pull in his effort to hoist the trophy one final time for photographers.
Samways, who arrived wearing a foreign headdress, a sweatshirt and bicycle pants was similarly pleased. “People come up to me on the street now and ask for autographs. I’m lusciously delighted beyond measure and I’m preparing an extremely long memoir about my experiences,” the journalist added as she struggled beneath the massive trophy.
Samways later was hospitalized due to a back strain.
Schropp and Royer both arrived late.
Brian Schropp
“My Dad wouldn’t give me a ride,” Schropp noted after receiving his “Golden Dish” which was as small as the trophy was large. “But I’m lusciously proud beyond measure of this little tiny decoration.”
Ric Royer
Schropp later had to be hospitalized after suffering from a panic attack.
Royer was the last to speak. “I am not fully aware of the symbolic meaning of this trophy,” the executive and journalist noted. “I suppose it will be useful in trading for food at a later apocalyptic date in our shared history.” Royer handed the trophy to his handlers and headed straight for a table covered with bottled sodas.
A short speech by editor-in-chief Marles Cundiff followed.
President Pondicherry on the Tent Murder Menace
President Pondicherry
My fellow Lankvillians,
Lankville is a country brimming with wonderful malls. But we also have verdant dells, wooded areas and little copses where some hippies enjoy camping. Such people, however, will not be able to continue fostering their love of the great outdoors if they are going to be murdered in tents. This menace must stop now.
In the past year, over ten thousand people have been murdered in tents or in challenges taking place inside tents. This is unacceptable. Tent murderers can shake the foundations of our biggest recreational tents but they cannot shake the foundations of Lankville. Our great land was founded by people in tents maybe. They created a shining beacon for love, malls and opportunity. No one will extinguish that light.
I have implemented our great nation’s emergency response plans (we have a couple). The search is already underway for these “agents of abomination” ™. We will find them. Know that they could be anywhere. Know that they will pay.
Meanwhile, please continue camping in our beautiful little wooded areas. I believe in my heart that you will be safe. I will pray for you.
God bless you and God bless Lankville,
President Pondicherry
Inflamed by Stars and Blood Mourns the Death of Rudolfph Horner
Veteran actor Rudolfph Horner, perhaps most famous for his role as the “Blue Tiger Man” in the 1956 science fiction epic “Tigers in Ice Land” has died. The headliner fell forward into some soup at the 37th Annual Lankvillicon last Friday. He was 85.
Horner in the 1956 film “Tigers in Ice Land.” Horner is lifting the tiger.
The foreign-born Horner was a sci-fi idol after his Blue Tiger Man role and appeared in several sequels. He did not act after 1977 but appeared regularly on the convention circuit.
“He was a big man, a former wrestler,” said convention organizer Brett Quentz. “He wasn’t very talented at all but he was able to actually lift a tiger and this was viewed as spectacular. He will be missed.”
“I’m very sad to hear of the death of Rudolfph,” said Tigers in Ice Land co-star Maria Bureau-Sisters. “We had nice chemistry together on the set of that film and, of course, it was a big hit. Rudolfph and I had a brief affair and I found him to be a kind and gentle person with limited interests beyond lifting heavy animals.”
Horner had lived alone in a small rancher in the Lankville Hills. He is survived by his house.
Nature Alcove with Don Jars
By Don Jars, Naturalist
Don Jars is Lankville’s premier naturalist.
Today, we’ll be discussing the largest of Lankville’s lizards– the famed “Caramel Dragon” of the Southern Exotic Islands. Discovered by famed naturalist Harry Caramels (1811-1850), the Caramel Dragon reaches a length of 10 feet and may weigh 300 pounds or more. No one believed Caramels when he first reported word of the now famous lizard and he was variously described as “crazy” or “berserk” or an “asshole”. It wasn’t until photographers captured images of the Dragon that Caramels’ reputation was redeemed. Unfortunately, by then, the intrepid naturalist had been injured in a challenge and then murdered in a tent. Yet, his fame now lives!
The Caramel Dragon is an “inviligator lizard”. This means that he tends to “watch over” things and possesses vast intelligence (many can even count and sort shapes). The Dragon is also venomous and a bite from the creature means instant death.
The famed “Caramel Dragon”.
Fortunately, they are slaughtered quite often and made into popular commercial materials such as purses, combs and shoes! There is no more popular gift for a woman than a “Caramel Dragon Tooth Comb” or a pair of Dragon Hide Flip Flops– ideal as leisurewear during those long, hot summers. And you will be the talk of your office with a stunning “Soft Dragon Top Handle Bag”, marrying timeless Island craftsmanship and versatile modern design. Simply “pick it up” ™ for that style that goes everywhere.
Caramel Dragon boots never go out of fashion. Lined with Caramel Dragon leather and cushioned insoles, these boots will ensure comfort from your very first step. Rugged and durable at work and at play– you’ll be the hit of the ranch, office, or shed.
Nature is so abundant. Next week, we’ll be looking at Lankville Upper Ocean Amphibians.
DON
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston: Explaining the “Me Burger”
Dr. Kevin Thurston is in.
Dr. Kevin Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
A client of mine recently expressed feelings of misery centered around his direction and life purpose and also in regards to his wife never having sex with him. I probed a little on this and the client reiterated that his wife found every conceivable excuse to avoid amorous contact. “Once, she found a small crack in the kitchen wall, way behind the stove and stayed up fretting over it until finally, I just gave up,” he commented.
“You are sexually-starved,” I noted. I wrote the term on a chalkboard and we stared at it for awhile. “That’s a nice chalkboard,” he said. So, I sold it to him for $29.99, including three colors of chalk.
Then, I switched directions. “You may not be able to ever get your wife to have sex with you,” I stated. It was harsh but he needed to hear that. “However, what you can do is to have a ME-BURGER.” I was going to write the term on the chalkboard but we had already taken it down and loaded it into the client’s car.
I proceeded to explain the concept of the Me-Burger.
“Make things completely about yourself. Tell your wife that you need some time to focus on “the Me”. Begin wearing smaller t-shirts on the weekends. In the evenings, curl up into a gently-rolling ball in a corner and quietly whisper me me me me me over and over again. You’ll feel the peace wash over you.”
Then, I sold him a little mat he could use for the rolling. $11.99. Good deal.
In two weeks, the client has undergone an amazing transformation. He walks around now with a confident, semi-permanent smile. While waiting for our appointment, he completely took control of my waiting area and rearranged it utilizing Eastern theories of decoration. During our session, he screamed suddenly at me three times.
All because he had a little bite of the Me-Burger.
Area People Generally Hesitant to Use Special Christmas Hand Towels
By Zach Keebaugh
A Zach Keebaugh Report
On Christmas Eve, Mrs. Linda Caldors put out some special holiday-themed hand towels in the bathroom of her three bedroom home in the Eastern Lankville Flat Plain Area. “I bring them out just for the holidays,” Mrs. Caldors explained when I showed up on her doorstep at 2AM last night (I prefer working late at night). “The thing is- I feel like people are hesitant to use them. I want them to be used.”
“Where’s your husband?” I asked suddenly. I wanted to get his thoughts on the matter but I was also trying to gauge the general situation.
“He’s away, tending to some mats.” She got a faraway look in her eye. “He sells tumbling mats.”
I moved it back to the towels. “Show them to me,” I said. “Let’s see what we’re working with here.”
The special holiday-themed hand towels.
I followed her upstairs. The staircase was steep and it was a pretty good view. She was nattering on about distinctly noticing several guests with wet marks on their pants. “They didn’t want to use the towels, I could tell,” she remarked.
We entered the bathroom and there they were. Crisp, clean Santa towels. Yeah, sure, nobody’d used them. Who would?
She pointed out the window. “Have you seen the waving fields of alfalfa out back?” she said eerily.
“Wash your hands,” she said suddenly.
I did as I was told. And I found that I too could not use the Santa towels. My hands dripped onto the floor.
And then we were in the spartan bedroom. “I don’t believe in adorning walls with art,” she noted as she dropped her house dress to the floor. “My husband would very much like to bring some of the mats home but…” She trailed off.
I stood before her. I could think of little to say. Did I have enough for a story here? Would I have to track down some of her Christmas visitors– ask them why they had avoided the special hand towels too?
I noticed then that her panties had little bears on them. Little bears with balloons. I suddenly became aware of the swaying alfalfa. It seemed louder. A light passed by somewhere.
“I slept with faith,” she said, looking far beyond me. “And I awoke with a corpse in my arms the next morning.”
“Fuck that shit,” I said suddenly. “Take off those bear panties.”
I had my way with her.
I left her house a few hours later with some tumbling mats from the basement.
The special Christmas hand towels remained.
OPINION: I’ve Been Punched in the Mouth at a Candlelit Child’s Christmas Eve Pageant Before, I’ll Be Punched in the Mouth at a Candlelit Child’s Christmas Eve Pageant Again
By Dick La Hoyt
Seasonal Opinions
This is a message for that joker that punched me in the mouth at a candlelit Christmas Eve pageant last night. Guess what, asshole? Been punched at one before, I’ll be punched at one again.
My niece was playing one of the animals from the first Christmas at some auditorium, so I went along. Got a chair right near the front in the middle aisle and I laid my coat over the back and then popped off my knitted sweater and draped that over a couple more chairs, one for my sister and her husband. Then, I ducked out back in the parking lot for a cigarette.
This is what the guy that punched me in the mouth looked like (file photo).
I come back and you wouldn’t believe it. My coat is thrown off to one side and this horse’s ass is sitting in my seat. So, I go up to him and I’m like WHOAAAAA BUDDY! THESE SEATS ARE SPOKEN FOR! This guy, he starts arguing with me about the coat and the sweater not being no “reserved” sign and I say YOU BETTER STEP OFF MAN, BETTER STEP OFF and my sister starts crying and pulling at my arm cause all the kids are starting to come onstage in their donkey outfits or whatever and some dude is walking around lighting these candles that was set up everywhere.
“We better take this one outside,” this clown says. GLADLY I say, and we start out a side exit. I turn around and BAM. I take it right in the mouth. I don’t remember much after that until I woke up in some sand. Must’ve been a playground or something. I could hear singing coming through the windows of the candlelit auditorium. I tasted blood.
So, just so this motherlovin’ asshead knows it– you ain’t the first, pal. I’ve been punched in the mouth at a candlelit child’s Christmas Eve pageant before, I’ll be punched in the mouth at a candelit child’s Christmas Eve pageant again.
OPINION: I Got Something You Can Check Twice
By Del Midnight
Outstanding, Informative Opinions
Hey, Lankville. If you’re still making out your Christmas lists, I got something you can check twice.
Know what I’m saying?
I been both naughty and nice, in case you’re wondering. And I don’t just come to town once a year. Know what I’m saying?
And you sure as hell ain’t gonna’ be pouting over this thing– this thing that I said you could check twice earlier in my article. Nope, I think you’re gonna’ be real pleased with it. Might want to even put it on that list.
Yep, I’d say you better watch out about this thing.
Know what I’m saying?
Better watch out so you can check it twice.
The Lankville Daily News would like to apologize for the preceding article. It is not our policy to publish lewd articles.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK