Archive
Cake in Process of Being Consumed
By Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A cake is in the process of being consumed, sources are reporting.
“We had a catered lunch,” said Lowinger Brothers Utility Shed CEO Aaron Lowinger of the Lankville Port Area. “And we’re taking this cake and pumping it up like a god damn pyramid is the nature of what’s going on here.”
Lowinger provided no further explanation.
The cake when it was only half-eaten and prior to Totten’s death.
“I would say the cake is almost half-eaten,” said longtime employee Willie Totten who also contributed to the consumption of the sugary loaf. “About twenty minutes ago, there was more of the cake but as time has moved forward, we are now facing a situation where there is less of the cake.”
“That’s generally the linear path that one follows whenever a cake is presented,” Totten added.
The employee suddenly vomited into a strange opaque grayness that appeared. When the weird phantom-like mist became thicker and threatened to overtake Mr. Totten, he ended the interview abruptly and made an attempt to run out the conference room door before disappearing into the expanding shroud, screaming and shrieking for the help that never came.
“It’s terrible about Willie,” Lowinger commented later. “We’re down to about 1/4 of the cake left now.”
The Lowinger Brothers Utility Shed Company has been providing Lankville with quality utility sheds at affordable prices since 1982.
Samways and Fick, Consultants: SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY
As a multinational organization serving companies all over the world, Samways and Fick, Consultants, somewhat recognizes the role that we can all play in developing and investing in local communities. At Samways and Fick, we can help your business set critical internal policies and goals that are socially responsible.
Why care?
Samways and Fick was recently awarded a “Caring Quality Trophy” from the Lankville Mountain Area Charities Aid Foundation for our commitment to fostering a culture of philanthropy in the workplace and for opening doors for lesser-skilled employees like spastics, idiots and pinheads. Our Social Responsibility Program® encompasses a wide range of activities, from our global heavy chemical neutral policy to semi-pro bono consulting and volunteer support for visible charitable organizations. At Samways and Fick, we can implement a Social Responsibility Program to fit your needs.
Society and its Issues
Watch an excerpt of Dr. Fick talking about society (free):
The most important way Samways and Fick can help your business impact society and make a positive difference is through our consulting expertise and advice. Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick are both experts on society. We pass this expertise on to our clients in all types of industry using a technique that we call “Consulting Osmosis®”. Imagine that your business is a sort of long somewhat permeable thin tube full of molasses (or something else really sticky). This tube will begin to swell with knowledge once it comes in contact with Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick. Before long, it will be close to bursting as the knowledge flows through the semi-permeable membrane and into the tube. The molasses will become less sticky, ideas will begin to flow. A fee will be extracted.
Saving Lives
Our work for governmental and non-governmental organizations can help them enhance the value of facilities associated with education, healthcare, poor people transport and furniture. For example, Samways and Fick For Humanity (SFFH) is our organizational arm dedicated to possibly saving children’s lives in impoverished island communities worldwide. We can help your organization learn how to possibly save children’s lives. Think of how good that will look on your website (maybe in a nice colorful banner along one edge).
Call Samways and Fick, Consultants today. We look forward to helping you reach the area near the top of your mountain.
Dr. Samways teaching social responsibility.
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
It was right before I crossed over that I began to get skull cracking headaches and a general feeling of depression.
“I can see that Mr. Oates,” Dr. Yothers said. A child’s toy oven had been moved into the dim office and was humming lightly. Who could figure on any of it?
“It has a syrupy look, this malaise you speak of. It’s like syrup. Visible syrup. Or non-visible syrup intended to convey a metaphor.”
“I got it Doc. Can you give me something for it?”
“Well CERTAINLY!” he announced loudly. It was then that a light went off on the oven and a ding was heard.
“That will be my little cakes,” he said excitedly. “Why, you came at the perfect time Mr. Oakes.”
“Skip it. Let’s have a look at them pills.”
He yanked the old drawer out of the desk. “Oh yes, there are several. These were prescribed for an old patient of mine, a Mr. Fosdick. My Lord, he was crazy. I believe he committed suicide.”
“Yes, it’s sad,” Yothers added. He bowed his head but tilted it in such a way that he could observe the little oven.
“Anyway, Mr. Fosdicks never picked these up so his tragic death is a boon to you, Mr. Oates!”
I took the little orange bottles in my hands. There were four of them– all different sizes and names.
“Which should I take, doc?”
“Why, all of them, of course! Four are better than one!”
He suddenly darted over to the oven and greedily removed the cakes.
“Stay where you are, Mr. Oakes.”
It was the last time I had seen him.
And now I was lying in bed at the Murray, my head afflicted with hundreds of little bolts of pain. The pill bottles lay empty on the unmade bed. Somehow, I managed to reach the service phone. As usual, Tibbs snapped it up with uncanny speed.
“MR. OATES! WHY, HOW ARE YOU TODAY?”
“Listen, Tibbs. You know a good doctor? Somebody who doesn’t nose around with a lot of questions?”
Tibbs quieted. “I believe I do, Mr. Oakes. I believe I know exactly the type of man you are looking for.”
He hung up. I started to call back but collapsed back into the pillows. I thought about Yothers and them little cakes. There was no merit to any of it.
About fifteen minutes passed before I heard a little knock at the door. I staggered over to it and threw the chain.
He was a little balding man in a lab coat carrying some sort of strange oversized suitcase with a mysterious apparatus that extended out of the side. He seemed to have a habit of staring directly at the floor.
“I’m Dr. Cannons,” he said in a barely audible voice. “My fee for this is $100.”
“Jesus H. Christ,” I said. “If you can cure this then I guess I got no choice.”
“Go over to the bed.”
Dr. Cannons
I did as I was told. He put the weird suitcase on the end table. There was a knob there and he turned it. A whooshing sound filled the room.
He started fooling with the apparatus. It had some kind of a mask at the end made of clear plastic. He still had never looked up.
“You have the $100?”
I drew out a couple of fifties and threw them on the end table.
“Good. Now, I will place this mask on your face and within about ten minutes, you will be dead.”
I sat up.
“I don’t know what the hell Tibbs told you but that ain’t what I’m looking for.”
He still didn’t look up.
“I’m just looking for something to cure these headaches and these blues, Doc. I’ve felt like hell for months now.”
“I…I’m not that kind of doctor,” he said. “I can recommend someone else…”
“Nah, let’s go ahead and skip that.”
He turned off the suitcase and was gone in less than a minute.
About twenty minutes later, Tibbs let himself into the room. He was pushing a cart full of sheets and towels and had a huge black canvas bag draped across one shoulder.
“OH MY! MR. OATES, YOU SURPRISED ME!”
“What the hell kind of thing was that, Tibbs?”
Tibbs looked befuddled. “MR. OAKES, YOU MUSTN’T THINK! WELL…I…”
“Skip it. Bring me up a sixer of FUN BEER would you? Tallboys?”
I figured on drinking it away.
“YES, MR. OAKES, OF COURSE.”
He pushed the cart back out.
Just a little off the head, it’ll help just a little.
The day passed that way.
Schropp Album Panned by Critics
By Bernie Keebler
Lankville Daily News correspondent Brian Schropp has released an album and critics aren’t so thrilled with it.
A Little Pizza in the Night, which features spoken word poems and light portable keyboard playing, has been thoroughly panned.
“It’s unlistenable,” said music writer Plete Boyer. “I mean literally. It sounds like it was recorded on a cheap cassette tape in the back of the Pizza A’Round. From what I can tell, no microphone was used other than the little tiny built-in mic that most of those cheap players have. And on certain tracks, Schropp seems to have his mouth directly on the mic and everything is a kind of a slobbery garble.”
The album features 14 tracks and Schropp claims it was recorded over three sessions on three different days.
“I had to fit it in between my important work here at the Round and also for the paper. But I feel like it’s a beautiful piece of work in a very specific way. I think it just adds to my personal ouevre.”
Schropp was ordered by his supervisor to open an enormous can of sauce and the interview was ended prematurely.
A Little Pizza in the Night will be available at most major record stores in the Northern Suburban Area.
“We’ll be carrying it, I believe,” said newly-hired record store clerk Larry Klacik who was recently dismissed from his position at Larry Pendleton’s Double Book Hut due to public drunkenness. “I’m sure it will sell moderately well. Maybe.”
The album retails for $7.99 on compact disk, $9.99 as a digital download on The Reckoner Exactra 2.0 and $12.99 on limited edition picture disk vinyl (the picture is a pizza).
Giant Trash Storm to Pass Through Lankville Tomorrow
By Jack Quintz, Weatherman
A giant storm of trash is expected to pass through Lankville tomorrow.
Citizens are advised to stay inside between noon and 8:00 PM.
“The trash is simply making its yearly circumnavigation of the Earth and arriving back to its original source, as trash is known to do,” said Shane Rawley, a scientist with the Lankville National Organization for Weather Patterns (LNOWP) in an email.
By Friday, the trash is expected to travel out to sea but not before dumping anywhere from 10,000 to 100,000 pounds of garbage on the mainland.
“It will mean an enormous cleanup but the stout will of Lankvillians will bend this problem over their knee like a child or a misbehaving lover and spank it away into oblivion,” said President Pondicherry in a prepared statement.
Trash particles will contribute to hazy skies and the creation of toxic algal blooms in most of Lankville’s waterways.
“Yes, the rivers and lakes will all die, unfortunately,” said Rawley when probed. “So, there’s that.”
Some studies have suggested that trash can affect how clouds and precipitation actually form.
“It could rain trash. You should warn everybody about that too,” Rawley noted.
Prior to the trash tempest, weather should be warm and seasonable with increasing humidity towards evening.
Visible satellite imagery showing the trash storm nearing the Lankville coast.
Panda Thinks Puppets Are Real
Brock Belvedere, Jr.
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A pair of panda puppets made to look like real pandas are feeding tidbits of bamboo and candy to an actual month-old panda sources are confirming. The Lankville Daily News rushed right over to cover this important story at the request of our editors.
Officials at the Lankville Memorial Discount Zoo, a facility which works with endangered species when other zoos are closed, say this is no joke. They say the lessons learned by the puppet feedings may have an impact on saving the Lankville Monstrous Panda of which there are only a few hundred left in captivity. The officials went on for hours about their puppets and, at the request of our editors, we stayed to listen.
Zoo spokesman Sharon Quade-Mannion (7 out of 10) explained that the egg containing the baby panda (named “David”) was whisked away from its panda mother in a ruse called “double heaving”. At the request of our editors, we asked a follow-up question and Quade-Mannion explained the process.
“It’s simple, really. You heave an object, usually something like a chair or an ottoman, away from the mama panda and then you quickly heave another similar object. The panda becomes distracted and that’s when you snatch up that egg,” she noted. “This causes the panda to lay a second replacement egg and she sits on that egg, so she’s not really troubled by the whole process,” she added.
Quade-Mannion demonstrated the technique and, at the request of the editors, we took notes.
David, who was easily fooled.
“David was born two weeks later,” said Quade-Mannion, her skin glistening with sweat from the earlier heaving. “And that’s where Joyce Mitchell-Teufel comes in.”
At the request of our editors, we were forced to ask about Ms. Mitchell-Teufel.
Turns out, Mitchell-Teufel is known as “The Puppet Lady of the Western Valley”. We copied this sobriquet down at the request of our editors. She designed a pair of panda puppets to act as “parental simulacrum” for David.
“Pandas are very easy to fool,” Mitchell-Teufel (3 out of 10) noted. “David took to them [the parents] right away!”
“And the rest, as they say, is history!” Quade-Mannion averred.
“Panda history!” Mitchell-Teufel added.
The two women began laughing hysterically and, at the request of our editors, we copied down an entire page of “ha ha’s”.
This reporter then headed straight to a nearby tavern to capture a little “local flavor”. But not before phoning this breaking story in immediately to the editors who will doubtless send it forth to an anxiously-awaiting public.
Tension Mounts as Older Man Stands by Side of House for Second Day
By Otis Nixon
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Mr. Crowley continues to stand by the side of his house.
Tension is mounting in the Southern Swamplands as an older man is standing by the side of his house for a second straight day.
Several tactical police units, members of the Air Legionnaires and Lankville Army special ops are currently on the scene.
Gordy Crowley, 72, a retired associate of the fire department, has refused to make his intentions clear.
“We’ve rolled several desirable items to Mr. Crowley in transparent plastic orbs but so far he hasn’t touched any of them,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive at the scene.
“Most of the items were purchased at malls, so we’re talking quality,” the intrepid detective added.
The standoff began yesterday morning at 7:30 A.M. An advisory notice was issued last night at dusk and an 8:00 PM curfew was instituted. Nearby homes and businesses have been evacuated and residents are currently being housed at local emergency shelters.
“We told everyone to grab anything that was dear to them and flee,” noted Gee-Temple who was clad in body armor.
A press conference is expected later this afternoon.
The Electronics Cranny: THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0
By Neil Cuppy
A powerful new electronic pocket calculator, the Reckoner Exactra 2.0, has been released by Danny Madison Industries.
The wildly popular calculator has already received over a billion pre-orders. Regular customer deliveries and specially-paid “air robot” deliveries begin today.
The new machine is designed for a broad range of calculating applications. It weighs only nine pounds (complete with rechargable nickel-cadmium battery) and fits into a large pocket. The new battery-powered unit can be likened to a “fast, extremely accurate electronic slide rule with a solid-state memory similar to those used in supercomputers,” says wunderkind designer Danny Madison.
“Of course, it has many other functions,” noted Madison, aged 13. “I don’t care for the antiquated term “calculator”. Unfortunately, the nomenclature is necessary for marketing purposes.”
The Reckoner Exactra 2.0: IT’S YOUR TIME: CALCULATE
The Reckoner Exactra 2.0 bears little resemblance to the original Reckoner whose sales now number in the billions.
“We’ve replaced the informational diskettes from the original Reckoner with built-in capacitors that are capable of collecting information automatically. In other words, you as the holder will add no information to the machine, the machine will garner information from you and your environment,” said Madison.
The inventor gave a brief demonstration.
“Note that the Reckoner Exactra 2.0 is now turned on thus automatically engaging data collection. We now turn our attention to the red light-emitting diode display which can, of course, show the usual 10-digit numerical sequences but can also furnish environmental and human geographical information.”
A brief beep was heard.
“And we see now that the Reckoner Exactra 2.0 is noting that Mr. Cuppy’s wife was murdered and that he lives alone.”
The audience clapped profusely in appreciation.
The Reckoner Exactra 2.0 comes with a sturdy travel case made of Eastern leather, foil name tags and a 379-page instruction manual. The calculator features an unusual 48-month warranty.
“It will not break down,” said Madison, who paused to plug his personal Reckoner into a pizza for reasons unclear. “It will, in fact, never break down.”
The Reckoner Exactra 2.0 currently retails for $449.99.
Older Man Stands by Side of House
By Otis Nixon
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Mr. Crowley standing outside by the side of his house.
An older man has been standing by the side of his house, sources are confirming.
Gordy Crowley, 72, of the Southern Swamplands, was first spotted at the side of his house this morning at 7:30.
“I saw him, sure,” said a neighbor who refused to be identified. “I was eating breakfast and reading a technology magazine and he came out and just started standing there.”
Crowley has been standing in the same position by the side of the house for nearly two hours.
“Physically, he’s fine,” noted Detective Gee-Temple who was the first to arrive at the scene. “I observed him for awhile from behind a nearby tree and I saw no signs of stroke, rabies or any sort of lunacy. We believe that he’s fine.”
Calls placed to the Crowley home went unanswered.
“That’s probably because Mr. Crowley is standing outside by the side of the house,” Gee-Temple opined.
Crowley is a retired fire station associate. He spent 37 years in that capacity.
“He was not a fireman but he had a strong association with the fire station,” said Captain Lance Wilcox of the Southern Swamplands Fire Department, who was interviewed by phone.
No further information was available at press time.
“We’re monitoring the situation,” Gee-Temple commented.
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
It was morning. There was a massive clock radio on the bureau (it glowed a sickly green color at night) that read: 8:07. There was something about that time.
C’mon Oakes. What the hell is today?
There was a little leather bound notebook in the side table. It was mostly just pillow counts and there was a little chart about different qualities of firmness that I couldn’t seem to commit to memory. I flipped to the front where there was a calendar.
It’s another birthday, Oakes. 8:07: The time of your birth.
I counted off the years and realized I was 58.
I picked up the service phone. Tibbs was there instantly, as though he were waiting. There was some sort of strange slow bubbly electronic noise behind him. I couldn’t figure on any of it.
“GOOD MORNING MR. OAKES! WHAT A LOVELY SUMMER DAY IT IS TODAY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“Yeah, listen Tibbs. Send up a case of FUN BEER and maybe a bottle of gin, whatever’s cheapest.”
“OOOH, MR. OAKES! IT SOUNDS AS THOUGH YOU’RE PLANNING A PARTY!!!” He started laughing so hard I thought he had dropped the phone for a minute.
“It’s my birthday, Tibbs”. I instantly regretted the announcement.
“WHAT AN OCCASION, MR. OAKES! WHAT A DELIGHT! AN ABSOLUTE DELIGHT!”
Tibbs, Sr.
He was gone from the phone for a few seconds and when he came back, he blew one of those plastic party horns in my ear.
“THIS IS SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE, MR. OAKES! LET ME CALL ALL THE ROOMS!”
“No, no, no,” I stopped him. “Listen, Tibbs, I just want to…I want to stay here and just drink and…maybe you could roll a teevee in or something.”
“WHY, I WOULD BE DELIGHTED TO ROLL IN A TEEVEE!” he said. “I WILL EVEN MAKE SURE THAT YOU GET OUR COLOR SET, MR. OAKES!!!”
He was suddenly quiet.
“Even if I have to kill Ms. Stocksdale to get it.”
“Listen, Tibbs, take it easy. Just, just bring me whatever you got. Let’s…leave Ms. Stocksdale alone, alright.”
“OF COURSE, OF COURSE, OF COURSE, OF COURSE, MR. OATES. WHATEVER YOU WOULD LIKE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT AN ABSOLUTE, OUTRIGHT DELIGHT TODAY IS!!!”
“Alright, listen, connect me with an outside line.”
I called the towels by the pound shop. I let it ring about 15 times. Finally, the crazy old broad answered.
“Listen, I ain’t feeling too good today,” I said. “Musta’ been them shrimps from last night.”
“We’ll get along,” she said. I could hear a lighter going, another cigarette. She smoked them like they were going out of style.
“Alright, then. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Dick…?” I paused a second. I could hear her exhaling.
“Happy Birthday, Dick,” she said.
God damn, she’s a sweetheart, Oakes. Too bad she’s so fat, there just ain’t no desire there.
“Thanks. I’ll…I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I don’t know what it was, but I broke down then. Just started crying lightly. There wasn’t nobody that had wished me an unsolicited Happy Birthday in years.
Thurston Judges Cheeseburger Competition
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Men’s feelings expert and Lankville Daily News correspondent Dr. Kevin Thurston judged a cheeseburger competition on the Culinary Stage at a Lankville, First! rally in the Northern Outlands last night, sources are confirming.
“The cheeseburger is a beautiful expression of Lankvillian pride, along with the pizza,” said Thurston, who was spotted in the judges’ tent with some other men. “And while I am certainly all about culinary diversity and alternative feelings, I believe that it is appropriate to acknowledge one’s heritage upon occasion.”
Thurston tasted over 90 cheeseburgers before settling on Daniel Tartabull of the Northern Cleared Pack Area as the winner.
“Tartabull’s cheeseburger had the most feeling,” Thurston averred.
Dr. Kevin Thurston with another man.
The rally was held in support of the Lankville, First! movement which has been gaining momentum in certain fringe areas.
“I’m unaware of the movement,” Thurston admitted when probed. “I’m here for the cheeseburgers and also to continue spreading my message of peace, tolerance and exceptionally good deals.”
Thurston paused to offer this writer a decorative bathroom ventilation fan.
“This fan is priced at $159.99 from most major retailers but Dr. Kevin Thurston is currently offering it for just $144.99, including shipping,” he stated.
Tartabull, a 34 year-old post offices employee, said he was pleased with the honor.
“I make a good burger. Everybody always says that,” he noted.
Dr. Thurston is currently in the middle of a 10-area “Summer Feelings Tour”, making stops along the way at small festivals and carnivals.
“Summer is a wonderful time for men to get in touch with their feelings, free themselves from uncomfortable clothing and just put on some shorts and a t-shirt and get their bodies out there,” he mused.
President Pondicherry on the State of Lankville
President Pondicherry
Yesterday was the anniversary of the glorious day in which Lankville gained independence from evil Island overlords. We mark this great day with decorative bunting, cakes, and explosives. It is a day that we all look forward to, a day to be with family, friends and lovers, a day to live and be alive in Lankville. I am glad all of you are alive. I want you to tell me about your day from the moment you woke up, bleary-eyed and innocent, the loose fabrics of your pajama bottoms kicked entirely from around your curvy supple waist, your halter top stretched nigh to breaking by the flux of sensual dreams. Write me now. I want to know so much about it.
Our Founders would be pleased to walk these streets again and to find, amid the many, many problems of modern life, a familiar Lankvillian spirit of faith, good works and malls. Sure, they would see the constant challenges, the public executions, the deformed organisms now capable of devouring all flora and fauna and even soil and sand but they would also see a few acts of great kindness and charity. They would see addiction, alcoholism, an 89% morbid obesity epidemic and all the devastation that being fat can bring, but they would also see in the works of the small religious groups and charities the power that can rescue abandoned hopes and repair broken fat lives. In a world very different from theirs, they would see different kinds of hardships, fears, and suffering; yet they would also recognize love and beauty and passion.
Thank you for keeping Lankville safe on our nation’s birthday. Only 355,261 people died– this is down from last year.
God bless you and God Bless Lankville,
President Pondicherry
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
It was evening. The crazy old broad had called my room at the Murray. I was about halfway to a drunk.
“A guy came down from the north, an important client,” she said. “Bring your case.”
She hung up. I sat there a minute and then Tibbs came on the line.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ARE YOU DONE WITH THE LINE, MR. OATES?”
“Yeah, Tibbs. Take it.”
I splashed some water on my face and straightened my tie. I went out the staircase.
There was a couple crossing the back parking lot– big blonde guy, football player type, and a tiny redhead with a complicated sculpted hairdoo.
“Hey, lookit’ that guy would you Cindy? His head looks like a grey egg!”
I put down the case full of towel samples and went straight over to him. As I did, I could see it in his eyes– he was chickenshit.
“Say that again, dandelion.”
He paused and then he puffed his chest. “You wanna’ fight mister- you’re going to get killed.”
“Let’s go.”
He threw a wild haymaker that clipped my left shoulder. I threw a quick jab that landed square on the nose. There was a squishy sound and then the blood came running.
“Oh, Brad!” the redhead said.
I started to move in for an uppercut and the next thing I knew, Tibbs’ big body was between us. He was laughing.
“HAHAHAHAHA, oh, there’s no need for VIOLENCE!” he boomed. He pushed us each a few steps backward. “HAHAHAHAHA, why anything CAN BE WORKED OUT!”
Suddenly, his face grew somber. “Except during the finality, when you will meet Satan’s pony.”
There was a long pause. I couldn’t make anything of it.
I drove over to the Towels by the Pound shop feeling pretty good. I cracked open a FUN BEER and took the slow way.
The crazy broad was waiting for me along with some delicate-looking dandy. I parked the car up on the side lawn.
“This is Mr. Oakes, our lead salesman,” she said.
The guy had a little limp handshake.
“Whyn’t we go inside?” I said.
“No, no, no, I would prefer to do business right here,” the dandy replied. I didn’t see no merit in it but I held the sample case open for him in the dull sunlight.
“Well, these are certainly inferior,” he said, after fingering a few cuts of towel. “But, I suppose they will do for my project. After all, we’re only building a series of training program food huts.”
“How wonderful,” the old broad said. She was wobbling a little– probably had already tied one on.
“Send along a thousand,” he said. He took an envelope from his inside jacket pocket. It was stuffed with crisp bills.”
“Mr. Oakes will have them sent tomorrow.”
He disappeared. It was just in time. I vomited into some tall grass.
The old broad looked me up and down but didn’t say nothing. Then she peeled off a couple of hundreds.
“Good work, Dick. You can have these as a bonus.”
I pictured a steak dinner at the Murray, couple of more tall boy sixers, maybe a new suit, a little ass. It would be a good night.
“Send them out tomorrow, now. Don’t forget.”
“It’s in the bag.”
I popped another FUN BEER in the car to celebrate.
She was alright, the towels by the pound shop owner.
Fun Science Experiments with Dr. Matt Dragons
Dr. Matt Dragons
Conductivity
Today, we’re going to discuss conductivity. When an ionic compound, such as sodium diopotate, dissolves in water, it dissociates into ions and the resulting solution conducts electricity. A conductivity meter can be used to measure the flow of electricity and determine the ionic strength of the solution and with the easy-to-read digital face, even the retarded or insane can join in the fun!
Remember, the flow of electricity is directly proportional to the number of ions in the solution– the more ions there are, the greater the conductivity of the solution!
Directions for Using the Conductivity Probe
1. Purchase a Danny Madison LabQuest Vertex II Conductivity Probe™ for this test– they are available anywhere fine scientific testing supplies are sold. Make sure the LabQuest Vertex II is plugged in and turned on and that the probe is set to Channel 34 (25 in the Islands).
2. Obtain a sample of water. Try a nearby pond, lake or stream. Be sure to isolate your sample in a scientific plastic bottle and store it in a small scientific cooler full of scientific ice packs.
PRO TIP: No matter what you are testing, always be sure to record its weight first!
2. Place the probe into a beaker or shallow basin containing the water sample you are testing. The Danny Madison Lighted Beacon Tip™ must be fully submerged.
3. Wait for the value to stabilize and note this in your notebook, pad, or digital writing pad (if that’s how you choose to live your life).
4. Rinse the conductivity probe off with distilled water and dry it with a Danny Madison DryWipe 2000™ (available anywhere fine scientific cleaning wipes are sold).
5. When you are done collecting your data, turn the LabQuest Vertex II off. Make sure the probe has been thoroughly cleaned and dried and be sure to keep it away from the infirm, babies and small pets.
What Does Your Data Mean?
By measuring the conductivity of your solution, you can now discern its salinity. Salinity is a measure of the total amount of non-carbononananate salts dissolved in your solution. The salinity of seawater is fairly constant, at about 35 ppmc (parts per measuring cube, or 1 g/Lm (x)). Brackish estuaries may have salinities between 1 and as high as 50 ppmc– although higher levels have been found in the Lankville Western Dead Swamps and the Route 71 Trash Stream.
Since aquatic organisms have varying abilities to survive and thrive in different salinities, you now know if life is possible in your pond, lake or stream. Remember: most freshwater organisms cannot live in levels above 5 ppmc; if your salinity level is higher than 5 ppmc, then everything in your sample is stone dead and the sampled pond, lake or stream is what is known as a “dead zone” or, in scientific terms, a ingens dunda mortis. Although dead zones can occasionally be reclaimed, it is best to forget about them and alert your local builder to the matter so that the area can be filled in and a parking lot or mall constructed.
Next time, we’ll be looking at protons and electrons and how to draw them.
Haunted Amusements
By Ted Cromartie
I left my motel room just before dawn. I carefully placed a handmade sign clipped to the windshield of the brand new luxury car– Donated to Pandas. Sure, the fundraiser was over. But they’d figure it out. I walked down the two-lane highway. I passed dirt, stones, signs and dead bodies. No one passed me.
Near dawn, I came upon a dilapidated service station. The pumps out front were clearly inoperable. There was a car bay and the door was up but the glass was all broken out. There was a stack of old oil cans but someone had spray-painted WHORE all over them. Some of them had fallen over into the pumping lanes.
The service area door was open and an old man sat behind a derelict counter. He barely looked up.
“Life lost meaning for me a long time ago, I cannot even remember when that was,” I said.
“Boy, that’s too bad,” said the old man, finally. “You could try some of these candies.” He passed a dusty package of faded jelly candies across the splintered counter.
“Are these Goofs?” I asked. “I thought you couldn’t get Goofs anymore.” I couldn’t help myself– I tore the cellophane asunder with such force that many of the Goofs fell to the floor, rolled under distant objects. I ate one.
“Funny, as otherworldly delicious as these are, I don’t feel much like goofing. I feel the same ennui.”
And then the old man died, right there in his chair.
I peered out the door, down the highway in both directions. Seeing nothing but giant brown boulders, I knew it was safe. I removed the old man’s wallet and tucked it into my jacket pocket.
And then I felt better.
“It will be best not to donate that car to pandas,” I said aloud to no one. And I huffed it back to the motel. Some men in blue jumpsuits were just about to roll the luxury car onto a flatbed tow truck.
“No. I don’t want to donate it now,” I screamed. “Get out of here. Get away!”
The men left immediately.
And so did I.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK