Archive
Odds and Ends by Brian Schropp
By Brian Schropp
BRIAN SCHROPP ON CUISINE
Another cooking tip I have learned the hard way– when preparing any type of pasta MAKE SURE THE WATER IS AT A FULL BOIL BEFORE PUTTING THE PASTA IN!!! You can’t just put a pot of water on the stove, start heating it, and throw the pasta in at any point. (Thanks Mom) And DO NOT add any type of sauce while the pasta is in the water– you need to heat the sauce separately. I know, it’s boring standing there waiting but some things are worth the wait! Despite these minor setbacks in the kitchen, I still believe that in the future I will pull off the creation of some sort of breakfast-style pasta option. I recently made a chipped beef on garlic bread which was a big hit to me (not so much the family) and feel I am on the cutting edge of a possible new and exciting food trend.
People have been writing to me this past week asking if I was upset that Hank Cameron, Manager of Foodville, took all frozen breakfast sandwiches options out of the store. Hey, it’s no skin off my nose if that jerk wants to bankrupt his store. I only hope the owners of Foodville will read my 27-page letter (which I mailed the other day) where I plead my case for why this man is incapable of running any type of grocery. I highlighted the most scandalous things (like changing the expiration dates on the honey baked hams and marking up the price of East Island sausage whenever he thinks some East Islander is coming into the store) in case they don’t want to read the whole thing. Actually 24 out of the 27 pages were rendered in a comic book type format to make it easier to read. I can only hope the owners will be smart enough to listen before it’s too late!!
Hank Cameron– nearing the precipice.
The BSU (Breakfast Sandwich Underground) has taken action against Mr. Cameron by sending fake pizza deliveries to his house non-stop (with the bills on some exceeding $100 a pop!!). And with thousands of pizza delivery options in Lankville, and with many of them open 24 hours, I don’t see this stopping anytime soon. One of the members said they drove by his house yesterday and there was four different delivery cars in the driveway and pizza boxes stacked up against each side of the front door (doesn’t the fool realize you can’t leave the food out there like that or else you will attract Super Squirrels?). The person also noted that Hank Cameron was chasing one of the delivery guys around his yard with a rake in his hand, yelling at the top of his lungs. Has Mr. Cameron reached his breaking point? Shouldn’t he do us all a favor and maybe go on a extended vacation somewhere?
The promise of the new sub shop off Blackenship Rd. proved to be a hollow one. The owners opened their doors with the delivery of the actual sub rolls still not there. So they decided to try a “high-five special” where they actually high-fived the meat and toppings of the sub into the customer’s hands. Well, the sweat from the hands got the better of most people and the vomit flowed like wine. The health department was there in no time to shut the place down and beat the owners once the doors were closed (customary procedure, I’m told). Blackenship Rd. has been cursed by the lack of a good sub shop for a long while. The last one– “Subs’N’Suds” was a promising idea in which you were served your subs while taking a bath in an old fashion bathtub. If they only fully thought out the idea (like changing the bath water between customers) maybe the health department would of allowed them to remain open. Keep your fingers crossed a decent sub shop will find a home there soon.
Please remember to keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas.
Happy eating!!
BRI
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
Dick Oakes, Jr.
It was evening. Some guy pressed a booklet into my hand. “This booklet is your assurance of quality, comfort, safety, cleanliness and friendly hospitality,” he said. I asked him what the hell it was to him, anyway– he tried to answer but then he vomited in his mouth a little and lurked off.
It was a side-stapled guide from the Lankville Motel Association. There was a little sign on the front with their name on it. Above, it said, “Look for Our Sign”. I skimmed through it but I didn’t figure on it mattering none.
I wandered around the spent downtown area for awhile but there was nothing going on. Then, I headed for the outskirts. After a mile or so, I saw the place up on the left.
I walked into the office. Bunch of lobby furniture done up in pea greens, saffron and flowers. There was an old paunchy man with glasses behind the counter. I couldn’t figure on any of it. I lit a cigarette and tossed the match into an ashtray.
“Those ashtrays have the name of our establishment printed on them,” the man said. “It says “El Patio Motel”, did you notice?”
I coughed. It started to rain heavily. The old guy wasn’t noticing it. The rain was slamming against the front doors now but he kept his eye on the ashtray. I heard a loud boom from upstairs somewhere. None of it was figuring right but I rented a room anyway.
It was done up in pinks and oranges. There were more ashtrays– too many ashtrays, all with “El Patio Motel” printed on them. Then I noticed everything had “El Patio Motel” printed on it– the guy had really gone to town. The trashcans, the complimentary soaps, the chairs, the carpet, all had it.
I pulled the shades and got undressed. I could see the little town down the ways, twinkling sickly, like the embers of a campfire in need of being stamped out. I heard the boom again, upstairs again but I didn’t mind it none. Then, a knock came.
It was the paunchy guy. “Need any ashtrays?” he asked. He had a whole stack of them in his hand. “I think I’ll be alright,” I said. I held the door against my unclothed frame. “Well, if you need any, you can use the service telephone there on the desk. It has our name printed on it. Just dial the number seven. That’s printed on there too.” He went away.
I put the television on. There was static, then some organ music, then a picture. It was a feed of the front desk. Nobody was there and then the paunchy guy was there, organizing some hand towels. It went on like that. I couldn’t make sense of none of it. I tried some other stations but it was all the same, all just the front desk.
I got in bed and slid some lurid pamphlets purchased earlier in the day out of a brown paper bag. After awhile, I put the TV back on. I couldn’t figure on why.
This is how you picked it, Oakes, I said to myself.
The night passed.
Shopping Bag Falls Over, Causes Haunting
By Grady Kitchens
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A shopping bag has fallen over causing a haunting, sources are confirming.
The bag, full of produce, was placed against a kitchen wall by Ms. Hannah Agrarian-Curtains, 28, of the Central Lankville Rural Area.
“I was hurrying to answer my phone and I placed the bag against the wall and it wasn’t propped up right,” said Ms. Agrarian-Curtains, who was sobbing intermittently. “I should have known what would happen.”
Ms. Agrarian-Curtains claims that the collapse of the bag kicked off a chain of events, the repercussions of which are still being felt in the area hours later.
Artist’s rendering of what Ms. Agrarian-Curtains saw on her kitchen wall.
“The sky went a sort of yellowish color. I looked out my back window and saw a man in the alley who was sadly waving at me. It was more of a wave of “goodbye” than “hello.” Then, suddenly, one of the kitchen walls was illuminated by what appeared to be a series of letters coming from some ungodly, abominable, cursed film projector. They flickered horribly for ten seconds or so and then they flamed out. They just said, “THE END”.”
Ms. Agrarian-Curtains sobbed uncontrollably.
Detectives were called to the scene but could offer no explanation.
“We took all the people in the neighborhood into custody but the man in the alley was not located nor was the old, haunted projector,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “It’s a crime with no solution,” added Gee-Temple, who began examining Ms. Agrarian-Curtains’ spice rack in search for clues.
“I just wish I had properly put away the bag of produce,” noted Ms. Agrarian-Curtains.
A press conference is expected later today.
So What Was in That Lankville Time Capsule?
By Pa-hinn Cruikshank
Pa-hinn Cruikshank is a special reporter on the Medievals.
Residents were excited last week when a small metal box (or “capsule”) was unearthed under the cornerstone of St. Amelia’s, the stately cathedral that towers over Pondicherry Square in Old Lankville.
Prof. Glenn Ogilvie of the University of Southern Lankville rushed back from his tent in the Partial Ice Regions, interrupting his vacation, to investigate.
“At one time it was traditional to bury a time capsule with some coins and keepsakes to be opened at a specified date in the future,” Dr. Ogilvie said. “This is not one of those, however.”
Instead, the historian believes the strongbox actually dates to the “middle period” in Lanque-Ville-sur-Lac, and that it was transported and built into St. Amelia’s along with other foundation stones brought over from the foreign city.
So what, eager residents and the Lankville News reporters have been wondering, is inside?
Mostly, it turns out, some dead animals, a miniature codpiece that seems to have been designed for a little boy or a dwarf, and a strange item that Prof. Ogilvie at first assumed was another dead animal.
“Dead animals are a splendid find, don’t get me wrong,” averred Ogilvie, who added that they can tell us much about the type of pets the medievals used to cherish. In this case, the box contained parts of a hedgehog, a common weasel, and what was at first assumed to be the pelt of a ferret.
An onlooker suddenly approached Ogilvie and opened a challenge. The situation was quickly defused.
“Women liked to keep ferrets up their sleeves for warmth during the long winters in the Lanque-Ville-sur-Lac Lower Icy Regions,” explained Dr. Emma T. Hogg, Visiting Professor of the Dark Ages at Lankville State University.
But when the pelt was examined more closely, it turned out to be a merkin.
“Women wore merkins over their pubic areas for added warmth, sometimes for purposes of fashion,” noted Dr. Hogg. She and Prof. Ogilvie have put the merkin through rigorous testing at a secret facility, and as of this writing have applied to the Lankville Foundation for Olden Times (LFOT) for funding to do further tests.
Medievals playing with their pets.
“We are not yet sure,” Prof. Ogilvie said, “but this particular merkin may have belonged to St. Amelia of Lanque-Ville-sur-Lac.”
Pilgrims, according to Profs. Ogilvie and Hogg, used to come from all over the foreign lands to visit the town’s cathedral and touch the dead saint’s merkin, said to have healing powers. “St. Amelia was sent to the Lanque-Ville region to try to convert the barbarians,” who at that time adhered to a strange, horrible religion that involved veganism, communal property, and speaking in riddles, Dr. Hogg said. The barbarian King Hwamstan fell in love with the beautiful Amelia. She agreed to marry him only on the condition that he renounce his religion and agree to worship the one true God. His lust turned to anger, according to Dr. Hogg, and he tortured her.
“Eventually, he had her tied to a stake outside his castle and burned off her pubic hair,” said Dr. Ogilvie.
“But the next day,” Dr. Hogg added, “her pubic hair miraculously grew back, thicker than ever.”
Seeing this, King Hwamstan converted on the spot, and broke ground on the church that is the ancestor of Lankville’s St. Amelia cathedral.
“Her pubic hair kept growing, however,” reported Hogg, and so Amelia cut it off every night and wove it into long merkins, some of which she bequeathed to her daughters and granddaughters, as well as women from neighboring towns.
If the merkin does come from St. Amelia, that would make the mysterious capsule under the foundation stone a reliquary of sorts.
“We need to do more tests,” admitted Dr. Ogilvie, who was suddenly challenged again by a second bystander.
For now, Lankville can rejoice in knowing that it houses some true treasures from antiquity.
At Last- a New Trap for Telephone Perverts!
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville can breathe a sigh of relief.
Police announced this morning that the rash of telephone perversions is coming to an end.
“The Lankville Bureau of Probes in cooperation with the Danny Madison Corporation have created a device that will catch telephone perverts,” said Detective Houston Gee-Temple during a press conference in which only soggy toast was served. “I feel confident that this will bring an end to the insidious outbreak of deep telephone perversion.”
Danny Madison, creator of the “Madison Revealer”.
Gee-Temple then yielded to 12-year old boy genius Danny Madison, who explained the device.
“This transparent piece of plastic will fit over your phone,” said the wunderkind, who held up a mysterious object which appeared to be invisible. “Upon receiving the debauched call, the victim will press a button. This device, which I call the “Madison Revealer” will then send a signal to police headquarters, pinpointing the caller’s location, sex, age, number of trophies won and other pertinent details. Police will then travel directly to the pervert and make the arrest.”
The assembled applauded loudly.
“Speaking of calls I’d like an ETA on that pizza that was ordered,” Madison suddenly asked the throng. A handler took him aside and the issue was dealt with privately.
The device will be available in electronics stores by Saturday and the Bureau of Probes will provide free “Madison Revealers” to past victims.
Horoscopes by Sheeba Incaviglia
Sheeba ramps up some future.
CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)— The new year will mean a new position and rise in social status. If you’re offered that job putting gigantic newspapers on yardsticks at the library, take it. A man sporting chiseled good looks will walk in. “I’m looking for a gigantic newspaper on a yardstick,” he’ll say. You will fall very quickly into a torrid romance.
AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)— A trying month for Aquariums. Yours will be a lonely patrol of desolate landscapes until you come upon a man by an old swimming pool. He is watching some people cook spaghetti on a small television set. He will hold it up for you to see. However, there will be little solace in this. Still, a conversation may shed new light on your difficult situation.
PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)— Show your considerate side this week. A change of scenery could delight someone who has been stuck indoors recently, particularly if they are really fat. Take your fat reclusive acquaintance to a mall or maybe to the zoo to gawk at some arboreal apes. Just be sure to exercise good judgment.
ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)—Put some emphasis this week on acquiring knowledge through magazines. Have a close look at the color pictures— you know what they say, “A picture tells a lot more words than words”. Join a charitable organization and climb over people to get to the top.
TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)—Wonderful opportunities on the horizon this week. You’ll be able to see them from your porch. They will arrive like giant otherworldly waves breaking against the shore of a desolate, undiscovered planet. Work on improving your physical fitness.
GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)—Go ahead and ignore a family member’s concern this week. It will go away. Give nothing and you may still get a lot. It’s all coming up YOU although beware of parking your car on the grass no matter what the man at the carnival tells you.
CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)—This is a good week to mix business with pleasure. Offer yourself to your boss. If you are at first rebuffed, just keep offering and make the outfits skimpier and skimpier. He won’t be able to resist. This is also a good week for discovering a new hobby (which could just be offering yourself to your boss–your choice).
LEO (July 23/Aug 23)- Visit someone in a hospital. Bring a lot of balloons. Throughout history, balloons have always made everyone happy. Hit the malls after that–lot of great bargains right now!
VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)- People consider you a glamorous figure. You attract fascinating people and animals. Be discreet. Don’t reveal everything immediately (especially to the animals). If you hold back, you create an atmosphere of mystery and elusiveness. Continue to pursue efforts of making money through highly irregular channels.
LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)— Don’t be afraid to put your boot up somebody’s ass this week. You’ve got to be tough with some of your co-workers. They’ll respect you for it in the end.
SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)— Come to work all week with a gigantic, stupid smile on your face. Keep that stupid smile affixed to your face all day, even if you are experiencing extreme ennui. In the evenings, stand naked before a mirror flexing slightly. Murmur, “nothing can touch me” over and over again. You will be well-prepared for the next day.
SAGITTARIAN (Nov 22/Dec 21)— Something will go awry with the float in your toilet. A plumber will be called in— a handsome man with a dimpled chin. He will offer you advice. At first, you will tell him that you are not taking any advice from some lowly fucking piece of shit asshole plumber. But, you’ll soon come around after he fixes the float.
Can I Borrow Your Boombox?
By Zach Keebaugh
This isn’t an official Lankville article or anything– I’m just hoping one of you readers will let me borrow your boombox.
I’m good at taking care of things. It’ll be safe. I just want to take it camping with my new squeeze, Pat. Pat likes music. She listens to it all the time. Me, I don’t care much. But Pat wants it.
So, anyway, if I can borrow your boombox, just give me a shout on scanit.com. My scanit handle is “BigZach481”. You’ll find me.
OPINION: I’ve Been Punched While Vomiting Before, I’ll Be Punched While Vomiting Again
By Dick La Hoyt
Yeah, this is a message for that god damn hayseed that punched me while I was in the middle of vomiting last night at the peanut kiosk. Guess what, asshole? I’ve been punched while vomiting before, I’ll be punched while vomiting again.
So, listen- I’m just standing there at the Nuts Ah! down at Twin Removed Pines Mall, trying to pick out a proper nut for a kid’s birthday party when all the sudden this prick horns in and starts trying to tell his girlfriend about the cashews. So, I’m all like WHOA BUDDY! STEP ASIDE! STEP ASIDE! And he’s all like YOU BUCKING, MAN? and I know that some shit is gonna’ go down.
Nuts Ah! was the sight of a lot of vomiting and punching last night.
Right about then, though, I started to get this funny feeling in my stomach. I think it was some bad chuck from the greasy island place at the food court. And, well, next thing you know I’m blowing grits against the side of the Nuts Ah! kiosk. But not before this chicken-hearted motherlover has popped me right in the mouth.
So, I’m trying to defend myself and the Nuts Ah! guy is all like WHAT THE HELL, MAN but here I am, ready to ralph again. I try to hold the assclown off with my shoulder but he gets me with a good right at the exact moment that I hurl. Can you believe that shit? Everything went just about everywhere.
I’m down on the ground and this fuckface is trying to wipe his hands off on a nearby decorative plant and his girlfriend is all like YOU GOT PUKE ALL OVER YOUR HAND, DANNY! and I’m fading out, not even thinking about the god damn nuts anymore.
And then when I come to they’ve just propped me up against a bench outside and they sure as shit won’t let me back in and I ain’t going to be able to get those birthday party peanuts and my new heavy weave sweater is ruined.
But I just want that dickbreath to know– I’ve been punched while vomiting before, I’ll be punched while vomiting again.
The opinions of Dick La Hoyt are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Rotating Restaurant Unveiled
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
The visual wonders of The Gripping, a restaurant which rotates 360 degrees on a giant cast-concrete base, were revealed last night in the Lankville capital.
Architect Mike Squatch.
The restaurant, constructed of round glass nearly 500 feet in the air, was designed by noted architect Mike Squatch.
“At the push of a button, The Gripping allows for a panoramic view of the downtown area,” noted Squatch, who was the principal designer of Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena. “It is a spinning saucer which eliminates restaurant boredom and presents a series of technologically-controlled scenes.”
“I love it and so do a lot of my male friends,” Squatch added.
“It’s like a dream house except it’s a restaurant,” noted a patron who refused to be identified and later suffered a sudden mental collapse and had to be placed in a cage. “My ribs and candy plate were delicious too!”
The Gripping takes 48 minutes to revolve completely.
Some fancy-pants types enjoy The Gripping.
“It’s designed to move somewhat slowly,” noted Squatch. “We experimented with having it move really fast but found that it upset people. Then, we had it move really slow, like once a month or so. That bored people. People were like- what the heck? Why should I climb all these steps and put up with that numinous menace on the 7th floor for this? So, I think we found a nice middle ground.”
Squatch admitted that the lack of elevators could pose future problems.
“We didn’t think about elevators. We were too busy getting the restaurant to revolve properly. Nevertheless, it’s a nice workout climbing up those 46 floors and I think people appreciate it.”
The Gripping is open for lunch, dinner and after-lunch. Dancing is available on the weekends.
Lankville Crime Log
By Detective Houston Gee-Temple
ITEMS TAKEN
Lankville police are investigating the theft of power tools, a portable generator, a circular saw, a tubing bender and many balloons from a property in the Eastern Woodlands.
HARASSMENT
Lankville police investigated an incident that occurred last night along Route 26 in the Southern Basin Area. Keera Shawn, 24, allegedly grabbed Alexxis K. Bombers while she was sitting in a booth at Suddenly Mama Pizza! Ms. Shawn then pulled Ms. Bombers out of the booth by her hair and onto the floor. Ms. Shawn then dropped some piping hot fries on Ms. Bombers’ back. The fries had gravy on them.
Ms. Shawn was taken to the Southern Basin Specific Hospital.
Later in the evening, Ms. Holly Leaf, 26 was accused of punching an unidentified female, 21, in the face and then eliciting a challenge. The challenge was stopped by some local residents. Ms. Leaf is currently in custody.
CHALLENGES
There were 449 other reported challenges in Lankville last night, resulting in 452 deaths.
DEER STRUCK
Ms. Katrina Snyder-Importants was driving northbound on Lankville State Highway 14 when a deer crossed the road. The deer jumped and was struck by the windshield. The deer carcass was immediately shredded in half and the shredded part came through the windshield causing the car to fill up with blood and gore. Ms. Snyder-Importants lost control of the vehicle and drove it into a nearby sportswear shop. The shredded deer carcass was thrown into a display rack of athletic socks.
Damage is estimated at $20,000.
MISCHIEF AND SHENANIGANS
The old man who was “grilled”.
Someone dumped syrup on a 2002 Neptune Fulfillment and then covered the vehicle in toilet paper in the Northern Hole Area. A hotline has been opened for anyone with information– call Lankville Police Area, 5-2688.
OLD MAN AND GRILL
It is reported that the old man sitting alone outside by a grill was not engaging in any criminal acts. The incident which occurred yesterday and prompted over 200 calls to police headquarters, was investigated by the author. The man, Mr. Stanley Provider, 72, was watched for over 4 hours from a nearby bush but engaged in nothing criminal. Nevertheless, he was detained and questioned overnight. Frankly, we’re not sure what happened to him. Some officers thought he was let out, others didn’t remember letting him out. So, he’s gone. You can call that number above if you have information.
Holy Christ, I Miss My Puppies and My Beer
By Fingers Rolly
I had been screaming at that mother of a god damned whore desert for about two straight days and finally a couple of guys in faggot coats came along and told me it was time to go into town. I cussed them both up and down but they insisted on it. We climbed into an ambulance and went along at a steady clip. Still, I could see that fucking desert out the little window like a cracked and brown anus and I couldn’t help but gurgle a little.
They brought me into some hospital where some ninny with a clipboard kept an eye on me through a window. I watched this mooncalf sonuvabitch for the longest time and screamed intermittently. Finally, he came on in the room.
“I miss my puppies and my beer,” I called out. I thought about the desert and started to get out of my chair and then I remembered where I was.
“You don’t have any puppies, Mr. Rolly,” the little jackass said.
Christ as my witness, I wanted to strike him. Or at least yank his shorts down like I used to do back in my physical education days. Course, he wasn’t wearing no fucking shorts anyway.
“You don’t know about any god damn puppies,” I told him. I let out a long, low shriek.
“And as for beer, Mr. Rolly, well, that’s neither here nor there.”
I looked long and hard at the little bitch. He made a mark on his clipboard. I began moaning and then I thought about that desert and made a push for the door. A couple of guys stopped me. I don’t remember much after that.
And now here I am back in the kitchen with this fucking leaky tractor transmission on the table. And there’s that brown motherlover out there. Just mocking me. Making an abominable mockery of every damned thing.
I do have some beer now though.
The Lankville Daily News would like to apologize for the preceding article. Mr. Rolly was assigned on article on the Madison Weather Simulator.
A Critical Look At The Deep Northern Suburban Retirement Facility’s Cafeteria
By Brian Schropp
BRIAN SCHROPP ON CUISINE
So my Dad and I sat down the other day and had one of our famous “heart to heart” talks. Holding down a job and contributing to the family income is indeed not a strong suit of mine. Exacerbated by the legal strain I have put on the family recently, I was told “something must break.” My Dad in his “infinite wisdom” came up with what he called a “Family Service Plan” in which I would go see the neglected Schropp relatives that the others didn’t have time for in their “busy schedules.” I agreed.
The first on my dad’s list was Great Pap Pap Schropp at the nearby retirement facility. I stressed to my Dad there was a reason Great Pap Pap was neglected– the fact of the matter is that he isn’t a nice man. PLUS, out of all the great-great grandchildren, he liked me the least. My Dad held firm, I was to spend the afternoon with him and have lunch. The lunch part got my attention, I had begged and pleaded with my folks on many past visits to try their cafeteria with no success. Now was my chance!!
Dad dropped me off at the retirement facility’s front entrance a short time later. As I started to hop out of the minivan, my head was swimming with what food delights I might find inside. My Dad stopped me short by grabbing my arm. “I’m trusting you not to mess this up.” I looked him right in the eye. “No mess ups this time Dad, I promise.”
I walked in and told the receptionist who I was there to see, she rolled her eyes at the mention of Great Pap Pap’s name and gave me his room number. I knew his room instantly when I heard the ruckus and shouting coming from the other side of the door. A female attendant stormed out and quickly passed me grumbling about not getting paid enough. I took a deep breath, braced myself and then entered the room.
My Great Pap Pap frowned at the sight of me. “What the hell are you doing here?” I told him about the “Family Service Plan”.
Great Pap Pap Schropp
He shook his head. “Well, you look goofy as ever.”
I had no comeback for this.
There were a few moments of awkward silence, “Well, have you even kissed a girl yet?”
I tried to tell him of my brief love affair a number of years ago when I was twenty-four but he just shook his head again.
Another few moments of silence.
“Are you still writing words for the paper?”
I tried to tell him how rewarding it was writing for the Lankville paper but he soon cut me off.
“Guess that’s something. When I was your age I already had a family which was almost grown, served in two wars and owned my own roller skate repair shop. Not sure what’s wrong with you but you’re sure a disappointment to the family name—”
I sort of tuned him out and let him babble on for awhile. When I thought the time was right I asked, “Hey can we check out the cafeteria and get some lunch?” I then immediately asked him what type of food the cafeteria normally had and what he could recommend.
“Most of the food tastes like cardboard and is bland. Not sure what you are expecting.”
My heart sank a little but I kept myself optimistic. Maybe he was just being overly cynical.
My Great Pap Pap and I set forth to the other side of the facility where the cafeteria was located. Along the way he would introduce me to fellow residents as his “disappointment” (with a chuckle). After walking for what seemed like an eternity and getting no closer to the cafeteria, Great Pap Pap finally admitted he was lost in the great maze of hallways. I really wasn’t paying attention to where we were going– I was thinking about what food delights I might be having and admiring all the nice floral paintings on the walls.
He slumped in a nearby chair and said he wasn’t moving. “You can go on and find the damn place if you like. I’m just going to sit here and think about how much you went wrong until someone finds me and takes me back to my room. No need to come to my room again. I will tell your Dad you spent the whole afternoon with me. Nothing personal I’m just getting tired of looking at your dopey face.”
Nothing personal taken!! With a wave goodbye I was off!
The hunger pains were getting deep, it was almost one, I never had lunch so late.
I tried to retrace my steps but found myself deeper into the complex– one hallway looking like another. The residents I encountered offered little help, usually being lost themselves or mistaking me for a relative. The hunger pains were getting deep, it was almost one, I never had lunch so late. But soon the faint smell of ham and green beans came to me and I knew I was on the right track. I came to big double doors at the end of the hall. Feeling very faint I rushed through them.
On the other side was a kitchen in the state of lunch time kitchen craziness, Large women in hairnets moved swiftly around carrying oversized pots of steaming food and pouring them into large containers. The noise, the steam of the food, the clank of the pots, the yelling, reminded me of a factory just as much as a cafeteria. I realized I had found the kitchen entrance not the main entrance and turned to leave but was grabbed by the collar by the largest of the women. “About time you got here, Not good being late for your first day. You might not get paid, you know.”
I tried telling this woman it was a mistake but she was too busy to notice. She forcibly slapped a hair net on me and an apron as well. I soon found myself mashing potatoes with another woman named Selma. This woman knew what she was doing– I never seen such force and quickness put into mashing potatoes before. I clearly wasn’t able to hold my own and after a few short minutes the large woman from before grabbed me by the collar again.
The kitchen at the Deep Northern Suburban Retirement Facility Cafeteria.
“What’s wrong with you?!! Haven’t you worked in food service before or even mashed a potato?!!”
Before I could even try to explain that she had the wrong person there was a honking by the delivery door.
“Finally the chicken salad is here!! Go help bring that delivery in– at least you can’t mess that up!!”
I went to the delivery door and tried to pull up the chain but failed. The van kept honking. Selma walked by shaking her head and said I had to unbolt the door first. After finding said bolt I hoisted up the chain while the honking reached a fever pitch. I opened the van delivery doors and started to pull out the plastic tubs of chicken salad. A voice which sounded familiar growled, “about time, I don’t have all day waiting around”. After pulling out two tubs I saw who was sitting in the front of the van and who now could see me in his rear view mirror. The chicken salad was supplied by Foodville.
I could see Hank Cameron’s face twist in furious anger from the mirror. “WHY YOU–”
I turned around and bolted as fast as I could bumping off of a few of the cafeteria ladies in the process. I heard him running up the steps and through the receiving door in hot pursuit. In a blind panic I ran towards the nearest door knocking over pots of food, dishes and a few other ladies along the way. I found myself in the main cafeteria area as the alarms and panic sirens went off. Everything erupted into a mass of chaos much like what happened at the Xmas party at the lodge expect this looked like slow motion because everyone was so old. I passed my Great Pap Pap sitting at a table gnawing on some fried chicken ignoring what was going on around him.
“Hey I thought you were going back to your room!!”
Hank Cameron (unflattering close-up file photo)
“Just a ruse Bri, to get you away from me. I thought I got you lost enough in this damn place that you’d never find the cafeteria. And you better step out of the way. Some fool is leaping right towards you.”
I felt Hank Cameron brush my shoulder as I dodged out of the way and he landed right smack on the table in front of Great Pap Pap knocking his chicken away. There was a few second stare down but then my Great Pap Pap punched Hank Cameron square in the nose knocking him out!! Who knew he still had that in him!!
Security soon came and got a handle on the situation. As I waited in the”control room” for my dad to pick me up (my hands were shaking} they were kind enough to bring me a plate of food!! I clearly avoided the chicken salad since it was from Foodville but the other offerings, especially the “denture approved” honey bake ham was a delight. I could also tell the mashed potatoes were Selma’s, so smooth!! I said to the lead security officer (Marv I think it was) that I couldn’t wait to come back and properly try the food here. He said odds are that I probably won’t be welcomed back but we will see!!
Until next time keep your mind and mouth open new ideas. Happy eating!!-Bri
An Interview with Ric Royer
By Brock Belvedere
BROCK PROBES
Brock Belvedere recently had a chance to sit down with enigmatic Lankville businessman Ric Royer.
Royer displays his “poster face”.
BB: I’ve been hanging out in the woods a lot and I’ve seen your posters. What do they mean?
RR: I’m trying to encourage people, Brock. Encourage them to be a star like me.
BB: Why are the posters in the woods?
RR: Exactly, Brock. Exactly.
BB: How does one become a star?
RR: You must do everything with star power. For example, last night I cooked some animal-shaped chicken nuggets. Many people cook animal-shaped chicken nuggets. However, I arranged mine on the baking tray in tall columns. That is star power.
BB: If everyone became a star, wouldn’t it be less special?
RR: Oh, Brock. Sometimes, if you look closely at an object, it will appear to be behind you. No one besides me will become a star. Just keep in mind- the poster.
BB: You look really strange on the poster. Why?
RR: It’s my normal “poster face”. Nothing unusual.
BB: Looks unusual to me.
RR: Mind yourself Brock. It’d be very easy to lure you to a barn where you would be slaughtered. Know that.
An awkwardness ensued and the interview collapsed of its own accord.
True Tales of the Sanduny Spa
Mrs. Mandy Koch
I was all cooped up doing housework when –Ding Dong –I got a surprise visit from the girls.
“We’re the girls,” lisped an unattractive man in a neon pink track suit. Three large men stood behind him, all dressed like the lisper. “You look stressed. You need to go to the spa.”
I didn’t think I had the time, but next thing I know I’m sitting in the back of a long black automobile, surrounded by my girlfriends. “We’re your girlfriends,” the man lisped, “and we’re taking you to the spa.”
“You deserve it,” added the husky voice of the behemoth (his track suit must have been custom made) next to him, “you’ve been working too hard.”
Well, I couldn’t argue with that! Nobody works harder than Mandy Koch! Whether it’s chopping wood for some mysterious eventual use, or teaching pets the truth about people, Mandy Koch is one busy gal.
But the weasly lisper took off his glove and slapped the husky fatman cross the face so hard my hoop earrings hummed like a tuning fork, and I got a great idea for a fun craft that anyone could enjoy.
Next, the lisper rapped on the partition and told the driver we had to make an unexpected stop. Two of the fat men kinda wheezed out a laugh, and squinted.
I never liked squinting, so I gave em the ol Mandy Koch cluck of disapproval and they unsquinted right fast. Next, the little ferret takes out a rather poorly embroidered handkerchief and asks me, “Doesn’t this smell nice?”
Next thing I know, we’re pulled up front of a couple of gas pumps in the middle of the desert. It’s not night, and it’s not day. Behind the gas pumps there’s a shack, and behind the shack, a rusty trailer, but other than that, na-da.
We all get out of the car. The air isn’t warm but it’s not cold and it has a taste I remember from back in chemistry class. Over the horizon, a blue light flashes and I hear a moaning sound coming from all directions like a thousand hand vacuums running out of batteries.
Sanduny Sauna Spa (photo by John Barlow)
The door of the trailer swings open, left to clap in the wind while a silhouette approaches. In the ghastly headbeams of the car, I see he wears a beard, sunglasses and an XXL athletic jersey that reaches down to his knees. A parcel’s tucked under his arm.
“You Mandy?” he addresses himself to me, “You look stressed. Underappreciated.” He opens the parcel, “You’re a queen, you know that? YOU’RE A QUEEN! About time you be treated like one.”
“What we have here is micromesh body buff, not exactly your typical exfoliator,” he exhibited jars one by one, “This here is for a luminous complexion. Now here we have a seven-step no-peel renewal system that will elmininate visible imperfections and dramatically improve skin tone, texture, and clarity. Main ingredient is argan oil, made from a single tree that grows atop a single mountain in the Isles.”
“Goats climb the trees to eat the berries,” the husky man chimed in, and again received a slap for this trouble. It set my earrings going again and I thought of a great weight loss tip for women who don’t have time to exercise.
One by one they loaded the beauty products into the car, and we were off. The driver turned on the radio, lights danced before my eyes, and next thing I know I’m staring at a chain-link fence protecting haphazard piles of broken furniture covered by snow, and a faded sign in an out-of-date font: THE SANDUNY SPA!
“Time to relax,” the weasel’s bloodshot eyes stared at me intensely and he threw open the sedan door. No sooner had I stepped out than the car peeled away, leaving me with a bag of assorted beauty products hanging from my arm.
The cold wind lashed me fiercely. The entrance to the spa was nearly impossible to find. The fences were locked and there were no directions whatsoever, and when I finally found it, I stood in line for 120 mins only to be eventually directed down a very long hallway to check in. I was a little surprised there was over a mile of walking just to get to the actual spa, but I’m sure they know what they’re doing. They must! Because then I spent another two and a half hours in line for the front desk. Almost there!
There was obviously something wrong with the person working the “front desk” (actually an aluminum table), but Mandy Koch was raised right and made sure to speak very slowly and keep her eyes averted. Across the dented tabletop, a liver-spotted hand slid me a key.
Next thing I knew, I was on my own front steps. My clothes seemed to have been meticulously laundered, but I was wearing two mismatched shoes on my feet, and two more mismatched shoes on my hands. I wasted some time trying to make a pair from the four, coming close only once. Then I gave up and went inside. But don’t worry, I didn’t care about the shoes. What does a woman need shoes for WHEN SHE’S WALKING ON AIR!
Thank you, Sanduny Spa! You’ve made cloud nine. . . cloud mine.
Dial-a-Buddy: A Paid Advertisement
Whoever said you can’t buy friendship was wrong.
Whoever said you can’t buy friendship was wrong and obviously had never heard of Dial-A-Buddy! Dial-A-Buddy, Lankville’s newest venture in friendship growing, is coming to a (device) near you!
Are you depressed, confused? Are you lonely? Are you feeling unsafe and in need of a community to call your own? Are you in love with a ghost? Sounds like you need a Buddy, friend.
With Dial-A-Buddy, all you need is a (portable transmitting device), with the add-on Dial-A-Buddy signaling attachment ($39.99), and a little bit of patience. Type a few non-sequiturs into your device like “Lemons are the fruits of the gods” or “Brouhaha at Tony’s…” and wait for a response from any one of Lankville’s 3,229 Dial-A-Buddy agents. Waiting times vary from one minute to three weeks, so have patience. Once you have received a response from a Buddy, which will probably look something like this “:-)”, rejoice! You’ve just earned yourself a new friend!
Enjoy your time with your Buddy by conducting some of the following activities:
* Drinking tea
* Petting various cats
* Breaking things in parking lots
* Dial-A-Buddy!
Make the best use of your time with your Buddy because our agents are temporarily assigned in 48 hour shifts in order to better serve the greater Lankville community. There’s a great need here. Dial-A-Buddy, today!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK