Archive
Triangle Garden Opened, Closed
By Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A sculpture garden consisting of nothing but triangles has been opened near Pondicherry Square in downtown Lankville City.
President Pondicherry gave a short speech and cut the opening ribbon.
“People can go to the garden during their lunch breaks, relax and enjoy the triangles,” noted the President. “There are a lot of triangles. Some [of the triangles] are small, some are large. Some [of the triangles] are up really high in the air, others are down at ground level. It’s a delightful place.”
For some time after the official opening, no one entered the garden.
Some of the triangles from the triangle garden.
“We’re still waiting for the first person to go in,” noted the President, who crouched behind some nearby trees to remain out of sight. “We’re wondering if the problem is a lack of triangles or a surfeit of triangles. Hopefully, it will become clear.”
After several hours, Dr. Miller Lupin of Western Lankville slowly entered the garden. As he milled about, several further triangles were suddenly added, blocking the only available exit. Dr. Lupin later died.
The triangle garden was closed to pedestrian traffic shortly thereafter.
“Clearly, the triangle garden is a disaster,” noted designer Bobby Robby-Grillet, who was inconsolable and weepy. “I wish they would just pave it over again.”
President Pondicherry is expected to call an emergency meeting later today to decide the fate of the garden.
“We thought it was a delightful triangle place but clearly it may very well be a place of triangle menace,” noted the President. “We will come to some conclusions after lunch.”
Leaked Drawings of Theme Park Expose a Subterranean Dream Hell
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
After local residents voiced suspicion over the fact that no visible signs of construction have taken place on the infertile heath where the privately-owned and operated theme park, Sensational Mons Island, was planned for completion in March, city officials pressed for the status of the development of the project.
In response, a theme park representative recently mailed a pencil drawing to President Pondicherry’s office outlining the layout for the theme park. The blueprints that were sent just had an arrow pointing to a circle indicating where the line of people are to enter the park.
Blueprint of theme park mailed to President Pondicherry’s office. Note the “line of people” and the circle representing the entirety of the theme park.
Unsatisfied with these drawings, the internet vigilante, known only as Internonymous (aka Lankville Daily News correspondent Zack Keebaugh), released sketches he reportedly discovered by doing an internet search for “real Sensational Mons Island Blueprints” (boolean). The sketches reveal an otherwordly hell fantasia that could not be reproduced within this article because its arcane architectural proportions requires two monitors and a prism to view in its entirety. According to the drawings, the theme park consists of just one ride (hellish), a pit, and a bear.
Internonymous later commented that the drawings “bore a dang hole in my brain and filled it with voodoo. This shit is the end of science, man. I kinda wish I never found those freaky blueprints, and so does my mom ’cause I’ve been keeping her up all night pacing back and forth, you know? I live upstairs from her and- ” (we hung up at that point).
At press time, officials at Sensational Mons Island had not responded to the fliers that we put up in the woods asking for more information.
President Pondicherry on the State of Lankville
President Pondicherry
My fellow Lankvillians,
There is an old medieval saying. “Oftentimes, a kingdom may possess a good in excess and a harm in excess, thus problems.” There is wisdom in this.
We have two things in excess in Lankville– beautiful malls and extraordinary violence. Our malls are glittering bounteous visions. I love them and I know you do too. I want you to tell me how much you love them– write to me. Write poems, not ordinary letters. Write them on lavender paper. Kiss the paper so I can see your rouged lips.
But what of our violence? It must end. Join me in helping to end it. If you were thinking about going out today and beheading somebody, I implore you– just don’t. It’s simple. Buy some tennis shoes instead. Or write me that letter that we talked about earlier.
During summer, I find it useful to wander shirtless into a waving field of grains. There, using primitive tools, I dig a hole. With each year, due to the increasing capaciousness of my rump, the hole must be made larger. And yet, with each year, my strength grows weaker. It is a conundrum.
I am looking forward to an end to our violence and better malls. It is our hope that our people will come together in the spirit of life to forge a solution. Solutions happen only after careful contemplation in holes which is why I mentioned the earlier story about sitting in a hole.
God bless you and God bless Lankville,
President Pondicherry
Area Racks Now Featuring Balloons
By Bernie Keebler
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Area racks are now featuring balloons, sources are confirming.
“Yes, we’re witnessing quite a preponderance of these “balloon racks” noted local analyst Gene Shelby, Jr., who made use of air quotation marks in his utterance. “You can find them generally at the end of long aisles or sometimes near restrooms. They come in variety packs– in other words, one can attain a diverse quantity of these “balloons” that, when “inflated” will reveal a manifold series of shapes, colors and sizes.” (Shelby utilized air quotation marks again).
The balloons are affixed to free-standing racks such as this one.
“I’m pleased about it,” noted Lankville business magnate and former mall-dweller Ric Royer. “As most are aware, I have had a complex relationship with balloons in the past. Yet, I still welcome their appearance. We had several racks at the mall!” (Royer became very loud at the end of his last sentence before abruptly ending the interview).
Sources are conflicted as to who owns the racks.
“We are not exactly sure,” stated area grocery store employee Gary Sparklers. “I lock the door at night and open the door in the morning. Sometime during the night, they are restocked. It’s mysterious and confounding.”
Sparklers was suddenly shoved into a large display freezer which was then tipped over. He is currently recovering at a local hospital.
“Data indicates you’ll be seeing more of these “balloons”,” added Shelby, again utilizing air quotations for reasons unclear.
Guy at Meeting Acting a Little Arrogant for Someone Who is Stone-Cold Bald
By Brandy Transfer-Tables
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A guy at a meeting in the Lankville Tall Business Building Arena is reportedly acting a little arrogant for someone who is stone-cold bald.
“First thing in the morning and BAM!, Derm comes in and just starts acting pompous and haughty,” noted employee Dennis Fairboy, who works with the offender Derm Layboards at the Grebov Brothers Telescope Company. “I mean, he’s stone-cold bald. He should remember that.”
Other meeting attendees noted that Layboards is normally meek and mild-mannered.
“Something got in his crawl today and he was pitching some serious swagger,” said Lisa-Pam Yothers, who works in telescope quality control. “He sure wasn’t acting like a guy wearing a cheap synthetic blend shirt and who is as bald as a concrete wall.”
Derm Layboards is bald but he acts arrogant.
Layboards, who handles promissory telescope notes from customers, said he was fully aware of his conceited attitude.
“I just had enough of these meetings where people with hair are obviously favored in terms of speaking order and seating proximity to the heaters. So, I walked in there and took what I wanted. And they all listened and took notice.”
Layboards said he plans to be even more brazen at the next meeting.
“I’m taking control of the slide projector. And I will dominate it during the entire meeting,” noted the mid-level employee whose head is a barren, splotchy desert where hair fights a losing battle to find purchase. “It’s my time now,” Layboards added after a long, intense silence.
I Got a Community Project You Can Help Me With
By Del Midnight
Outstanding, Informative Opinions
Yeah, just read that piece about that guy that likes to help with community projects. Well, I got a message for you Lankville. I got a community project I need help with right here!
Know what I’m saying?
It’s a big project. Not for the faint of heart. Gonna’ require a little elbow grease, a lot of heavy lifting. This project needs someone who’s not afraid to get down on their hands and knees in the slop, know what I’m saying?
Yep. A big project that needs an extra hand. Or two. Or more.
It’s right here.
The Lankville Daily News would like to apologize for the preceding article. It is not our policy to publish lewd articles.
Man Always Ready to Help with Community Projects
By Grady Kitchens
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Last week Mary Druthers, a local business owner, was confronted by a large safe that she needed to move into Fits & Wiggles, her Pet Health and Exercise Emporium on the corner of Elm Street and Hadderly Lane, in the mixed-use section of downtown Lankville. She knew just who to call.
Steve Niedermeyer was about to start loading a rental truck to move his family’s furniture, possessions, and farm implements to New River, when the Lankville State students he’d hired to help him failed to show up. Luckily, he had a backup plan.
And when a group of local artists gathered to retrofit an old tugboat as an “art barge” that will transport roving exhibits up and down Lankville Bay, there was one “mate” they were confident would be part of the crew.
Neil Marinovic is always ready to lend a hand.
The 32-year-old Lankville resident has made a habit of being a Good Samaritan-about-town. Whether it’s helping friends move, refurbishing an art space, or investigating an Incident, he’s “good to go,” as Marinovic asserted from his shared residence on Gulliver Avenue.
Neil Marinovic will help you move a really heavy safe.
“I still remember the day we met to work on the Mud Pits,” recalled local enthusiast Morley Hastings. “It was kinda rainy, cold, there was mud and dirt everywhere,” he said, adding that the work was “definitely not for the feint of heart.” But Marinovic was there bright and early wearing knee-high all-weather boots over his characteristic seersucker suit, and he stuck around until the last scoop of mud had been lovingly ladled into the final pit.
“The guy’s a machine,” said Hastings. “It’s a little unnerving, actually.”
The mere announcement of the imminent closure (and planned burning) of the Giant Tart cafeteria, as reported in the Lankville News, was enough to bring Marinovic out to the Great Eastern Grassy Suburban Area on a vigil. There he joined anxious residents in queuing for a “last meal” before the popular eatery is closed for good by owner Dennis O’Fashioned Candies.
“It’s just what you do,” said Marinovic from his cell phone as he braved winter weather in the “swampy knoll” that surrounds the Giant Tart. “If I’m part of this community, I want to be part of the community, doing community things,” he said, adding that it’s important to him to take advantage of all the wonders and face all the challenges Lankville has to offer.
“That’s what makes it, you know, a community,” he said.
Neil Marinovic wouldn’t have it any other way.
Why is this Old Lady Staring at These Stuffed Animals in this Weird Way?
By Zach Keebaugh
A ZACH KEEBAUGH REPORT
I’ll admit it. It’s been awhile since I’ve worked. I needed something and fast. So, I took a job in a toy store.
I’m working right now. And there’s this old lady staring at these stuffed animals in this really weird way. It’s freaking me out, man.
She just keeps holding them at different distances from her face with that same demented smile. It’s crazy. Phil, the boss, he came over and asked me to go offer to help her. I was like, “Forget that shit, Phil.” He left and I went back to sorting the stuffed penguins– arranging them in rows by height. But I kept an eye on this crazy old broad.
This is the crazy old lady I was telling you about.
I took a closer look. It was a bear and a tiger. What in the hell is the difference between a bear and a tiger? They’re both winners. How can you go wrong? Why the hell would it take, like twenty-five minutes to figure that shit out? It’s a choice of two, yo! Make it and be DONE with it.
So, in the end I bet you can’t even guess what this nutty grandma did. She left them both. Didn’t even buy a single one of them! Christ, I wanted to carom one off her noggin’ as she waddled on out. “Can you believe that fucking shit?” I said to Phil. Phil was all, “C’mon Zach, no cussing on the floor.” Phil’s religious- I always forget about that.
Here’s the two stuffed animals that the old lady was pawing at.
So, I had to go see for myself what the hell was up. I picked up the bear and I picked up the tiger and then I put ’em side by side just the way the ol’ gal had ’em. I couldn’t tell any difference. So, I tried putting the same weird look on my face, staring at them in that same weird way. For a minute, I felt something strange, like something supernal, from beyond our world. But it passed quick and then it was, like, nothing.
I put them back on the shelf and now I’m headed to lunch.
Fuck it.
Ungodly Blood-Curdling Scream Alerts Customers to Pizza Arrival
By Linwood Probert
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Popular pizza delivery chain Suddenly Mama Pizza! has instituted a new “blood-curdling scream” that will alert customers to the arrival of their order.
“The customer will place their order,” explained owner Jerome Koosman from his offices in the Western Lankville Cliffs Business District. “Twenty, thirty or ninety minutes will pass and then an ungodly, bloodcurdling scream will erupt from all corners of the home or apartment complex. They’ll know then that their order has arrived.”
Suddenly Mama! is expected to implement the idea this Friday.
“We’ve done some testing in certain lower-class areas and the idea has worked well,” noted Koosman, who was interviewed while in the middle of laying off an employee who waited hesitantly in a nearby chair. “We have a lot of problems with customers not answering their doors or having faulty doorbells or delivery men not understanding the idea of “knocking”, so this should help expedite things.”
The chain would not elaborate on who would be doing the screaming but noted that the delivery person would not be involved.
“No, there will be a separate scenario acted out nearby the house or apartment building,” Koosman added.
When asked if actors would be hired to perform the ungodly, blood-curdling scream, Koosman grew confused.
“Not at all. They’ll be no acting in this scenario. Eventually, the scream won’t even be human.”
Suddenly Mama Pizza! boasts 317,284 locations throughout Lankville.
The Small Towns of Lankville
By Brock Belvedere
A LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES! “SPECIAL REPORT”.
New River in the Southeastern corner of Lankville is comprised of a sleepy main street, some hills, a luncheon counter, an aging theater and two fast food establishments. There is a lovely, weedy park with a really big giant anchor memorializing the ten thousand New Riverians killed during the War of the Depths. The Lankville Southern Mountain chain is visible far off in the distance.
People in New River speak in clipped, short sentences. They are good people, people initially bound to the soil, freed only recently by the steamroller of modern commerce. “I farmed for 45 years,” noted an old-timer who refused to be identified. “Then, they came along in a car and one guy yelled out STOP IT! and that was that.”
The old-timer paused to spit into the dust. It grew darker.
The famous really giant big anchor of New River.
For many years, New River was the famous home of the Great Bewildering Blimp of the Home Country, a tremendous dirigible airship that was once the apple of Lankville’s eye. “After awhile, people lost interest,” noted aviation historian Andre Thornton, who possesses many books and videotapes on the subject. “The thing was kind of ponderous as it went up into the sky at a speed of about five miles an hour and passed weirdly over the landscape like some sort of outlandish air teat. It was terrifying. And so they eventually threw it into the Old River. And then that caused a lot of problems with flooding and drainage and so forth, so then they blew up the old river and built a new river, hence the name of our town.”
Thornton smiled idiotically so we punched him in the neck. The interview ended prematurely.
Famous celebrity Randy Pendleton was born in New River. The town erected an enormous sign a few years back. “Randy is obviously one of the greatest human beings of all-time, so for him to be born here, in a modest house in an alley, is a great honor,” noted resident Von Hayes, who is known as the “unofficial” mayor of New River. “Randy’s ascent to stardom is even more amazing when you think of how he is the offspring of simple people of the dirt, cast down off the Plains of Lankville into our towns like vermin down a watery slide,” added Hayes.
The Loamy Theater was built in 1932 and is nestled on the main drag between a closed storefront and a closed storefront. We were invited to a showing of a recent documentary on famous New Riverian Pendleton. Although we missed 2/3 of the film (because of candy), it was a marvelous display of affection from Pendleton’s relatives, friends and local lovers. “We’ve been showing “Dandy Randy” for over a year,” noted theater operator Tobias Harrah. “It’s been great for the town.”
Spillner’s Luncheon Counter
The early movie throng make their way slowly over to Spillner’s– the venerable luncheon counter. Sporting a darkened main eating area decorated with empty (but lighted) aquariums, Spillner’s has been serving New Riverians for nearly 65 years. Randy Pendleton has eaten here and the superstar signed a glossy black and white which hangs over the fry station. “We’ve seen the Great Bewildering Blimp come and go and then we’ve seen Randy and we’ve got a nice little town legacy here,” said owner Dan Spillner. “There is a silence here that I appreciate, a silence in this luncheon counter and the way the orange carpet curls up around the edges suddenly, quickly as one watches and the way the brown paneling begins to sort of peel off the walls. It’s quite fascinating.”
Spillner presented us with the bill which was over $300 (two breakfasts, two soft drinks). An argument ensued.
But arguments are rare. There is peace in New River, a soft, wafting peace. It’s like the gentle breeze that kisses your behind when you have your pants down outside. It’s like the soft kiss of a new lover. It’s freedom. It’s Lankville.
Brock Belvedere’s “The Small Towns of Lankville” will continue in future issues.
Local Teacher Fails Entire Class
By Sarah Samways
Sarah Samways is a contributing female.
Local school teacher Stevette Debbie, 32, failed her entire first grade class as of yesterday, early evening.
“These kids are idiots, to be honest with you,” claimed Debbie. “They will never learn!”
Ms. Debbie was then seen putting large red Xs on student papers, while furiously gulping down jasmine tea. Some papers even received a blunt “F U!”
When probed as to why there is so much failure afoot and how she can even determine that at such a young age, Ms. Debbie put it simply: “Genetics. Most are just born dumb, mean, and creepy. Some learn it over time, through unfortunate experiences, and at no real fault of their own. Some try to fly under the radar because they don’t want to be chastised by their peers or fall victim to a youth challenge and so they pretend to be stupid but that’s just another form of stupidity.”
Teacher Stevette Debbie who lists her age as “32”.
Looking at Ms. Debbie’s classroom, one would never suspect the stupidity that lies there. All seem oddly formal wearing bow ties and cardigans; perfect little gentlemen and ladies. Upon closer inspection, however, you will notice their vacant, beady little eyes. What has happened to Lankville’s youth?
“Don’t get me started on that little freak in the corner. He’s tall for his age and he’s always asking to braid the foreign girl’s hair. They’re awful, the whole lot of them!”
Asked if the situation could change, if there is any hope for Lankville’s children, Ms. Debbie, says, “Stop believing in them and maybe they’ll take notice and really buckle down. I doubt it though, they really are the worst.”
In an unrelated story, scientists are taking samples from the local water supply and will be conducting several litmus tests.
Famed Cafeteria to Shut its Doors
Mrs. Larry Temple
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
An iconic cafeteria in the heart of Lankville’s Great Eastern Grassy Suburban Area will close its doors on Friday.
The Giant Tart cafeteria has been in continuous operation since 1957.
“It’s been a good run,” said founder Dennis O’Fashioned Candies, now 91. “I checked out years ago and have been kind of coasting on sub-par food ever since. It’s time to let go. It’s time to prepare for death.”
The Giant Tart Cafeteria is entering its end times.
O’Fashioned Candies has already begun selling off furniture and fixtures to passersby, including his famed “Giant Tart Mold”, the longtime staple of the cafeteria.
“Tart’s gone. Long gone. They’re won’t be any more giant tarts,” the enigmatic restauranter noted.
Devotees meanwhile have been lining up for one final meal.
“It’s a landmark, definitely,” noted Daily News cuisine editor Brian Schropp. “The Giant Tart is where my new ideas in breakfast sandwiches first germinated. They used to serve a dish that was two pieces of toast and an egg and sausage. I remember staring at the plate thinking– what if we stacked all these items? That’s when it all started for me.”
Schropp noted that his final meal at The Giant Tart was a mix of nostalgia, tears and discomfort.
“I was told if I wanted a chair and table, I had to buy them and take them with me after I finished,” Schropp stated. “I ended up crouching in a corner. Everyone seemed incredibly angry and impatient.”
O’Fashioned Candies plans to serve one final dinner Friday night and be closed by 8PM.
“After that, I’m burning whatever’s left and that includes the building,” he noted. “So get down here early.”
Registration for Lankville Marathon Now Open!
Sports by Watts Prisinski
Sweeping vistas of the famous Mud Pits greet you at the start of this race, which rolls downhill into the canyon of the Lankville Animal Hunting and Conservation Area and across a series of pontoon bridges into the Southern Exotic Islands. There you’ll encounter majestic Caramel Dragons, all manner of flora and fauna, and Cousin Billy’s Auto-fetish Sculpture Garden before you climb gently back up into Outer Lankville, crossing the freeway and scampering through quaint village streets as race enthusiasts alternately cheer and taunt you, before closing in on the exciting finish in historic Pondicherry Square.
The freeway will be closed intermittently during the race.
GOOD TO KNOW: Beginning at mile 10, runners wind through “Pork Glitter Alley,” part of the Vitiello Decorative Ham Compound and Emporium, a major marathon sponsor. Decorative Ham workers motivate racers by spraying them with swine fluids and liquid Puffy Soap before releasing buckets of decorative glitter over them just as they emerge from the alley at mile 13.
Artist’s rendering of Lankville marathoners moving through “Pork Glitter Alley”.
TIP FROM ASSISTANT TO THE RACE DIRECTOR: The race route will once again traverse The Woods, despite the recent Incident reported by Daily News correspondent Sarah Samways. It was the only way to avoid The Swamp, according to Scooby Drexler of the Committee on Natural Entertainments. Reached at his vacation tent in the Lankville Partial-Ice Regions, historian Glenn Ogilvie adds, “It’s tradition.”
BEEN THERE, FUN THAT: Miles 18-22 can be a bit tedious, according to Deejay Humphrey, who has finished last in the race an unprecedented four times. That is because soon after mile 18, runners must go single-file through a chute where select family members and figures from the past whisper grievances into their ears. “I always break down at mile 21 when Darlene hisses at me about our bad breakup and about how I tried to drive a car into her,” Humphrey admits. Having run that gauntlet, however, racers’ spirits are raised all the more by the site of enthusiasts crowding the course as it funnels into Old Lankville.
Sign up now to ensure your Official Vitiello Decorative Ham Sponsorship Jersey! The Lankville Marathon takes place on April 15, 2015.
Fudge Floats and Sweet Kisses
Brian Schropp on Cuisine
It was January 3rd and the annual Deep Northern Suburban Fudge Festival was in full swing. Unlike most years when it was so cold that the fudge would actually stick to you (usually sending the careless kids, the elderly and the retarded to the hospital) it was slightly warmer meaning a bigger crowd. Fudge vendors from all over Lankville pitch their tents and booths along the main streets while the “Parade of Fudge Delights” travels pass. A lot of floats this year were made out of actual fudge which was a nice touch but with the weather was melting them quickly.
Scenes from the Deep Northern Suburban Fudge Festival
We waited anxiously watching float after float of fudge-related wonderment. I heard a shout from a few rows back and instantly recognized the voice.
“Hey look everybody- Brian Schropp is here. I wonder if he is going to tell us if the fudge is poisoned!!” (Please see my last article to reference this “joke”).
Yes, it was my nemesis Nathan Rowback lining up for his shot at a kiss. His cronies laughed and a few others in the crowd but not many.
“Hey Nathan, good luck getting the kiss. You will need to write about how it feels for a forty year old man to get his first kiss in that little fanzine of yours.”
Boom!! From the chorus of laughter I knew I hit the mark. Nathan with his cronies behind stormed off-what a dweeb!!!
Time passed and we were growing antsy. Then from around the corner of Rogers Ave we saw the top of the white peppermint bark float coming. Many of the younger lads instantly fainted but we seasoned vets rubbed our hands together praying for the chance.
The sketch is how I remember the princess looking in my “vision”.
The crowd surged forward as the float drew nearer, some slight pushing and shoving started to happen as we jockeyed for the best position. I’m still trying to piece together the events that happened next. Not sure if it was from the crowd surge or if someone pushed me (not sure if one Mr. Rowback did not come back) but I was pushed into the street just as the princess float was going by. My head bounced off the corner of the white fudge castle and I was knocked out.
There was only darkness for a long time and then I saw a faint white light which grew bigger. As it grew I started to hear music, that same beautiful music I heard before accompanied by the ethereal voices of the bumpkins. (Please refer to my “Waffle House of Shame” article for my experience with this). I traveled into the light and found myself in a forest entirely made out of shiny majestic white fudge. And standing just a few yards away was the Fairy Princess of Fudge herself looking more gorgeous than I could ever imagine. Small bumpkins danced around her, some had tails and some were even flying!!
The Princess smiled before speaking, her smile brought complete joy to my soul. “Brian, you are a special one, such a sweet delicate boy. You are on a special mission– one that will be revealed to you this year. Please remember to keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas.”
The actual Fairy Princess of Fudge.
I tried to speak but she already knew what I was going to ask. “Yes, Hank Cameron, Manager of Foodville, is a bad man. Be careful around him.”
She then floated forward and gave me a sweet gentle kiss on the lips. “Remember” she whispered and I was soon through the light again and back to this reality.
The real Fairy Princess of Fudge was giving me mouth to mouth when I opened my eyes. The crowd cheered when they realized I wasn’t dead (only a few booed) and the chant of “Breakfast Sandwich Boy” began. The real princess wasn’t nearly as pretty as the one in my “out of body experience” but the festival judges decided that the mouth to mouth was also the kiss!! It was all coming up Schropp today!
Later in my basement apartment I pondered what had happened and if it was truly real. In my heart of hearts I know it to be true but what could the special mission be? Did it have anything to do with breakfast sandwiches?
Well, however this plays out I will keep you posted, Until next time please keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas.
Happy eating!!
BRI
OPINION: A Good Cup of Joe Hits You Right in the Balls
By Ray Tebbetts
OUTSTANDING, INFORMATIVE OPINIONS
When I wake up in the morning, I’ll tell you what I do. I grab me a good strong cup of Joe. Why? Cause it hits you right in the balls, that’s why.
I work in a toll booth. Sometimes, it can be really difficult getting motivated for my day. Eight long hours in a god damn hell– that god damn hot, stuffy tool booth box– nothing but irritated drivers throwing bills at you and that foreign foreman coming around checking on your posture every twenty minutes. It ain’t no fun, let me tell you. But if I get that good cup of Joe to slam me right in the balls…well, it’s enough to make it passable. Enough to make the world look cheery.
But it ain’t cheery, I’ll tell you that. That box may be one’s man minor inconvenience but it’s this man’s flaming Gehenna. It’s like getting roasted alive in a nether world of everlasting fire. Those smeared and streaked windows that nobody don’t ever clean, that choking odor of exhaust and petrol– I’m telling you. I just want to rip apart my own flesh and raw bone by the end of the day.
And then I have another cup of Joe bash me right in the balls.
And then I feel human again.
The opinions of Ray Tebbetts are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK