Archive
Why is this Old Lady Staring at These Stuffed Animals in this Weird Way?
By Zach Keebaugh
A ZACH KEEBAUGH REPORT
I’ll admit it. It’s been awhile since I’ve worked. I needed something and fast. So, I took a job in a toy store.
I’m working right now. And there’s this old lady staring at these stuffed animals in this really weird way. It’s freaking me out, man.
She just keeps holding them at different distances from her face with that same demented smile. It’s crazy. Phil, the boss, he came over and asked me to go offer to help her. I was like, “Forget that shit, Phil.” He left and I went back to sorting the stuffed penguins– arranging them in rows by height. But I kept an eye on this crazy old broad.
This is the crazy old lady I was telling you about.
I took a closer look. It was a bear and a tiger. What in the hell is the difference between a bear and a tiger? They’re both winners. How can you go wrong? Why the hell would it take, like twenty-five minutes to figure that shit out? It’s a choice of two, yo! Make it and be DONE with it.
So, in the end I bet you can’t even guess what this nutty grandma did. She left them both. Didn’t even buy a single one of them! Christ, I wanted to carom one off her noggin’ as she waddled on out. “Can you believe that fucking shit?” I said to Phil. Phil was all, “C’mon Zach, no cussing on the floor.” Phil’s religious- I always forget about that.
Here’s the two stuffed animals that the old lady was pawing at.
So, I had to go see for myself what the hell was up. I picked up the bear and I picked up the tiger and then I put ’em side by side just the way the ol’ gal had ’em. I couldn’t tell any difference. So, I tried putting the same weird look on my face, staring at them in that same weird way. For a minute, I felt something strange, like something supernal, from beyond our world. But it passed quick and then it was, like, nothing.
I put them back on the shelf and now I’m headed to lunch.
Fuck it.
Ungodly Blood-Curdling Scream Alerts Customers to Pizza Arrival
By Linwood Probert
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Popular pizza delivery chain Suddenly Mama Pizza! has instituted a new “blood-curdling scream” that will alert customers to the arrival of their order.
“The customer will place their order,” explained owner Jerome Koosman from his offices in the Western Lankville Cliffs Business District. “Twenty, thirty or ninety minutes will pass and then an ungodly, bloodcurdling scream will erupt from all corners of the home or apartment complex. They’ll know then that their order has arrived.”
Suddenly Mama! is expected to implement the idea this Friday.
“We’ve done some testing in certain lower-class areas and the idea has worked well,” noted Koosman, who was interviewed while in the middle of laying off an employee who waited hesitantly in a nearby chair. “We have a lot of problems with customers not answering their doors or having faulty doorbells or delivery men not understanding the idea of “knocking”, so this should help expedite things.”
The chain would not elaborate on who would be doing the screaming but noted that the delivery person would not be involved.
“No, there will be a separate scenario acted out nearby the house or apartment building,” Koosman added.
When asked if actors would be hired to perform the ungodly, blood-curdling scream, Koosman grew confused.
“Not at all. They’ll be no acting in this scenario. Eventually, the scream won’t even be human.”
Suddenly Mama Pizza! boasts 317,284 locations throughout Lankville.
The Small Towns of Lankville
By Brock Belvedere
A LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES! “SPECIAL REPORT”.
New River in the Southeastern corner of Lankville is comprised of a sleepy main street, some hills, a luncheon counter, an aging theater and two fast food establishments. There is a lovely, weedy park with a really big giant anchor memorializing the ten thousand New Riverians killed during the War of the Depths. The Lankville Southern Mountain chain is visible far off in the distance.
People in New River speak in clipped, short sentences. They are good people, people initially bound to the soil, freed only recently by the steamroller of modern commerce. “I farmed for 45 years,” noted an old-timer who refused to be identified. “Then, they came along in a car and one guy yelled out STOP IT! and that was that.”
The old-timer paused to spit into the dust. It grew darker.
The famous really giant big anchor of New River.
For many years, New River was the famous home of the Great Bewildering Blimp of the Home Country, a tremendous dirigible airship that was once the apple of Lankville’s eye. “After awhile, people lost interest,” noted aviation historian Andre Thornton, who possesses many books and videotapes on the subject. “The thing was kind of ponderous as it went up into the sky at a speed of about five miles an hour and passed weirdly over the landscape like some sort of outlandish air teat. It was terrifying. And so they eventually threw it into the Old River. And then that caused a lot of problems with flooding and drainage and so forth, so then they blew up the old river and built a new river, hence the name of our town.”
Thornton smiled idiotically so we punched him in the neck. The interview ended prematurely.
Famous celebrity Randy Pendleton was born in New River. The town erected an enormous sign a few years back. “Randy is obviously one of the greatest human beings of all-time, so for him to be born here, in a modest house in an alley, is a great honor,” noted resident Von Hayes, who is known as the “unofficial” mayor of New River. “Randy’s ascent to stardom is even more amazing when you think of how he is the offspring of simple people of the dirt, cast down off the Plains of Lankville into our towns like vermin down a watery slide,” added Hayes.
The Loamy Theater was built in 1932 and is nestled on the main drag between a closed storefront and a closed storefront. We were invited to a showing of a recent documentary on famous New Riverian Pendleton. Although we missed 2/3 of the film (because of candy), it was a marvelous display of affection from Pendleton’s relatives, friends and local lovers. “We’ve been showing “Dandy Randy” for over a year,” noted theater operator Tobias Harrah. “It’s been great for the town.”
Spillner’s Luncheon Counter
The early movie throng make their way slowly over to Spillner’s– the venerable luncheon counter. Sporting a darkened main eating area decorated with empty (but lighted) aquariums, Spillner’s has been serving New Riverians for nearly 65 years. Randy Pendleton has eaten here and the superstar signed a glossy black and white which hangs over the fry station. “We’ve seen the Great Bewildering Blimp come and go and then we’ve seen Randy and we’ve got a nice little town legacy here,” said owner Dan Spillner. “There is a silence here that I appreciate, a silence in this luncheon counter and the way the orange carpet curls up around the edges suddenly, quickly as one watches and the way the brown paneling begins to sort of peel off the walls. It’s quite fascinating.”
Spillner presented us with the bill which was over $300 (two breakfasts, two soft drinks). An argument ensued.
But arguments are rare. There is peace in New River, a soft, wafting peace. It’s like the gentle breeze that kisses your behind when you have your pants down outside. It’s like the soft kiss of a new lover. It’s freedom. It’s Lankville.
Brock Belvedere’s “The Small Towns of Lankville” will continue in future issues.
Local Teacher Fails Entire Class
By Sarah Samways
Sarah Samways is a contributing female.
Local school teacher Stevette Debbie, 32, failed her entire first grade class as of yesterday, early evening.
“These kids are idiots, to be honest with you,” claimed Debbie. “They will never learn!”
Ms. Debbie was then seen putting large red Xs on student papers, while furiously gulping down jasmine tea. Some papers even received a blunt “F U!”
When probed as to why there is so much failure afoot and how she can even determine that at such a young age, Ms. Debbie put it simply: “Genetics. Most are just born dumb, mean, and creepy. Some learn it over time, through unfortunate experiences, and at no real fault of their own. Some try to fly under the radar because they don’t want to be chastised by their peers or fall victim to a youth challenge and so they pretend to be stupid but that’s just another form of stupidity.”
Teacher Stevette Debbie who lists her age as “32”.
Looking at Ms. Debbie’s classroom, one would never suspect the stupidity that lies there. All seem oddly formal wearing bow ties and cardigans; perfect little gentlemen and ladies. Upon closer inspection, however, you will notice their vacant, beady little eyes. What has happened to Lankville’s youth?
“Don’t get me started on that little freak in the corner. He’s tall for his age and he’s always asking to braid the foreign girl’s hair. They’re awful, the whole lot of them!”
Asked if the situation could change, if there is any hope for Lankville’s children, Ms. Debbie, says, “Stop believing in them and maybe they’ll take notice and really buckle down. I doubt it though, they really are the worst.”
In an unrelated story, scientists are taking samples from the local water supply and will be conducting several litmus tests.
Famed Cafeteria to Shut its Doors
Mrs. Larry Temple
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
An iconic cafeteria in the heart of Lankville’s Great Eastern Grassy Suburban Area will close its doors on Friday.
The Giant Tart cafeteria has been in continuous operation since 1957.
“It’s been a good run,” said founder Dennis O’Fashioned Candies, now 91. “I checked out years ago and have been kind of coasting on sub-par food ever since. It’s time to let go. It’s time to prepare for death.”
The Giant Tart Cafeteria is entering its end times.
O’Fashioned Candies has already begun selling off furniture and fixtures to passersby, including his famed “Giant Tart Mold”, the longtime staple of the cafeteria.
“Tart’s gone. Long gone. They’re won’t be any more giant tarts,” the enigmatic restauranter noted.
Devotees meanwhile have been lining up for one final meal.
“It’s a landmark, definitely,” noted Daily News cuisine editor Brian Schropp. “The Giant Tart is where my new ideas in breakfast sandwiches first germinated. They used to serve a dish that was two pieces of toast and an egg and sausage. I remember staring at the plate thinking– what if we stacked all these items? That’s when it all started for me.”
Schropp noted that his final meal at The Giant Tart was a mix of nostalgia, tears and discomfort.
“I was told if I wanted a chair and table, I had to buy them and take them with me after I finished,” Schropp stated. “I ended up crouching in a corner. Everyone seemed incredibly angry and impatient.”
O’Fashioned Candies plans to serve one final dinner Friday night and be closed by 8PM.
“After that, I’m burning whatever’s left and that includes the building,” he noted. “So get down here early.”
Registration for Lankville Marathon Now Open!
Sports by Watts Prisinski
Sweeping vistas of the famous Mud Pits greet you at the start of this race, which rolls downhill into the canyon of the Lankville Animal Hunting and Conservation Area and across a series of pontoon bridges into the Southern Exotic Islands. There you’ll encounter majestic Caramel Dragons, all manner of flora and fauna, and Cousin Billy’s Auto-fetish Sculpture Garden before you climb gently back up into Outer Lankville, crossing the freeway and scampering through quaint village streets as race enthusiasts alternately cheer and taunt you, before closing in on the exciting finish in historic Pondicherry Square.
The freeway will be closed intermittently during the race.
GOOD TO KNOW: Beginning at mile 10, runners wind through “Pork Glitter Alley,” part of the Vitiello Decorative Ham Compound and Emporium, a major marathon sponsor. Decorative Ham workers motivate racers by spraying them with swine fluids and liquid Puffy Soap before releasing buckets of decorative glitter over them just as they emerge from the alley at mile 13.
Artist’s rendering of Lankville marathoners moving through “Pork Glitter Alley”.
TIP FROM ASSISTANT TO THE RACE DIRECTOR: The race route will once again traverse The Woods, despite the recent Incident reported by Daily News correspondent Sarah Samways. It was the only way to avoid The Swamp, according to Scooby Drexler of the Committee on Natural Entertainments. Reached at his vacation tent in the Lankville Partial-Ice Regions, historian Glenn Ogilvie adds, “It’s tradition.”
BEEN THERE, FUN THAT: Miles 18-22 can be a bit tedious, according to Deejay Humphrey, who has finished last in the race an unprecedented four times. That is because soon after mile 18, runners must go single-file through a chute where select family members and figures from the past whisper grievances into their ears. “I always break down at mile 21 when Darlene hisses at me about our bad breakup and about how I tried to drive a car into her,” Humphrey admits. Having run that gauntlet, however, racers’ spirits are raised all the more by the site of enthusiasts crowding the course as it funnels into Old Lankville.
Sign up now to ensure your Official Vitiello Decorative Ham Sponsorship Jersey! The Lankville Marathon takes place on April 15, 2015.
Fudge Floats and Sweet Kisses
Brian Schropp on Cuisine
It was January 3rd and the annual Deep Northern Suburban Fudge Festival was in full swing. Unlike most years when it was so cold that the fudge would actually stick to you (usually sending the careless kids, the elderly and the retarded to the hospital) it was slightly warmer meaning a bigger crowd. Fudge vendors from all over Lankville pitch their tents and booths along the main streets while the “Parade of Fudge Delights” travels pass. A lot of floats this year were made out of actual fudge which was a nice touch but with the weather was melting them quickly.
Scenes from the Deep Northern Suburban Fudge Festival
We waited anxiously watching float after float of fudge-related wonderment. I heard a shout from a few rows back and instantly recognized the voice.
“Hey look everybody- Brian Schropp is here. I wonder if he is going to tell us if the fudge is poisoned!!” (Please see my last article to reference this “joke”).
Yes, it was my nemesis Nathan Rowback lining up for his shot at a kiss. His cronies laughed and a few others in the crowd but not many.
“Hey Nathan, good luck getting the kiss. You will need to write about how it feels for a forty year old man to get his first kiss in that little fanzine of yours.”
Boom!! From the chorus of laughter I knew I hit the mark. Nathan with his cronies behind stormed off-what a dweeb!!!
Time passed and we were growing antsy. Then from around the corner of Rogers Ave we saw the top of the white peppermint bark float coming. Many of the younger lads instantly fainted but we seasoned vets rubbed our hands together praying for the chance.
The sketch is how I remember the princess looking in my “vision”.
The crowd surged forward as the float drew nearer, some slight pushing and shoving started to happen as we jockeyed for the best position. I’m still trying to piece together the events that happened next. Not sure if it was from the crowd surge or if someone pushed me (not sure if one Mr. Rowback did not come back) but I was pushed into the street just as the princess float was going by. My head bounced off the corner of the white fudge castle and I was knocked out.
There was only darkness for a long time and then I saw a faint white light which grew bigger. As it grew I started to hear music, that same beautiful music I heard before accompanied by the ethereal voices of the bumpkins. (Please refer to my “Waffle House of Shame” article for my experience with this). I traveled into the light and found myself in a forest entirely made out of shiny majestic white fudge. And standing just a few yards away was the Fairy Princess of Fudge herself looking more gorgeous than I could ever imagine. Small bumpkins danced around her, some had tails and some were even flying!!
The Princess smiled before speaking, her smile brought complete joy to my soul. “Brian, you are a special one, such a sweet delicate boy. You are on a special mission– one that will be revealed to you this year. Please remember to keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas.”
The actual Fairy Princess of Fudge.
I tried to speak but she already knew what I was going to ask. “Yes, Hank Cameron, Manager of Foodville, is a bad man. Be careful around him.”
She then floated forward and gave me a sweet gentle kiss on the lips. “Remember” she whispered and I was soon through the light again and back to this reality.
The real Fairy Princess of Fudge was giving me mouth to mouth when I opened my eyes. The crowd cheered when they realized I wasn’t dead (only a few booed) and the chant of “Breakfast Sandwich Boy” began. The real princess wasn’t nearly as pretty as the one in my “out of body experience” but the festival judges decided that the mouth to mouth was also the kiss!! It was all coming up Schropp today!
Later in my basement apartment I pondered what had happened and if it was truly real. In my heart of hearts I know it to be true but what could the special mission be? Did it have anything to do with breakfast sandwiches?
Well, however this plays out I will keep you posted, Until next time please keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas.
Happy eating!!
BRI
OPINION: A Good Cup of Joe Hits You Right in the Balls
By Ray Tebbetts
OUTSTANDING, INFORMATIVE OPINIONS
When I wake up in the morning, I’ll tell you what I do. I grab me a good strong cup of Joe. Why? Cause it hits you right in the balls, that’s why.
I work in a toll booth. Sometimes, it can be really difficult getting motivated for my day. Eight long hours in a god damn hell– that god damn hot, stuffy tool booth box– nothing but irritated drivers throwing bills at you and that foreign foreman coming around checking on your posture every twenty minutes. It ain’t no fun, let me tell you. But if I get that good cup of Joe to slam me right in the balls…well, it’s enough to make it passable. Enough to make the world look cheery.
But it ain’t cheery, I’ll tell you that. That box may be one’s man minor inconvenience but it’s this man’s flaming Gehenna. It’s like getting roasted alive in a nether world of everlasting fire. Those smeared and streaked windows that nobody don’t ever clean, that choking odor of exhaust and petrol– I’m telling you. I just want to rip apart my own flesh and raw bone by the end of the day.
And then I have another cup of Joe bash me right in the balls.
And then I feel human again.
The opinions of Ray Tebbetts are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Hadbawnik, Royer, Samways, Schropp All Honored at Luncheon
By Gina Bradley-Komminsk
David Hadbawnik
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES! Lankville Daily News columnists David Hadbawnik, Ric Royer, Sarah Samways and Brian Schropp were all honored yesterday at a downtown luncheon held in an office park that was later completely destroyed by a mysterious fire. Hadbawnik, Royer and Samways received huge, unwieldy trophies and Schropp was awarded the “Lankville Golden Dish” for his cuisine reviews.
The ceremony was hosted by notable celebrity Randy Pendleton.
“It was a great honor,” noted Hadbawnik, who was struggling to hold up the elephantine trophy as photographers snapped away. “I feel I’ve done some important work this year on gourd-awareness and mud pits and I’m lusciously delighted beyond measure that people have noticed.”
Sarah Samways
Hadbawnik later had to be hospitalized after suffering a slight groin pull in his effort to hoist the trophy one final time for photographers.
Samways, who arrived wearing a foreign headdress, a sweatshirt and bicycle pants was similarly pleased. “People come up to me on the street now and ask for autographs. I’m lusciously delighted beyond measure and I’m preparing an extremely long memoir about my experiences,” the journalist added as she struggled beneath the massive trophy.
Samways later was hospitalized due to a back strain.
Schropp and Royer both arrived late.
Brian Schropp
“My Dad wouldn’t give me a ride,” Schropp noted after receiving his “Golden Dish” which was as small as the trophy was large. “But I’m lusciously proud beyond measure of this little tiny decoration.”
Ric Royer
Schropp later had to be hospitalized after suffering from a panic attack.
Royer was the last to speak. “I am not fully aware of the symbolic meaning of this trophy,” the executive and journalist noted. “I suppose it will be useful in trading for food at a later apocalyptic date in our shared history.” Royer handed the trophy to his handlers and headed straight for a table covered with bottled sodas.
A short speech by editor-in-chief Marles Cundiff followed.
President Pondicherry on the Tent Murder Menace
President Pondicherry
My fellow Lankvillians,
Lankville is a country brimming with wonderful malls. But we also have verdant dells, wooded areas and little copses where some hippies enjoy camping. Such people, however, will not be able to continue fostering their love of the great outdoors if they are going to be murdered in tents. This menace must stop now.
In the past year, over ten thousand people have been murdered in tents or in challenges taking place inside tents. This is unacceptable. Tent murderers can shake the foundations of our biggest recreational tents but they cannot shake the foundations of Lankville. Our great land was founded by people in tents maybe. They created a shining beacon for love, malls and opportunity. No one will extinguish that light.
I have implemented our great nation’s emergency response plans (we have a couple). The search is already underway for these “agents of abomination” ™. We will find them. Know that they could be anywhere. Know that they will pay.
Meanwhile, please continue camping in our beautiful little wooded areas. I believe in my heart that you will be safe. I will pray for you.
God bless you and God bless Lankville,
President Pondicherry
Inflamed by Stars and Blood Mourns the Death of Rudolfph Horner
Veteran actor Rudolfph Horner, perhaps most famous for his role as the “Blue Tiger Man” in the 1956 science fiction epic “Tigers in Ice Land” has died. The headliner fell forward into some soup at the 37th Annual Lankvillicon last Friday. He was 85.
Horner in the 1956 film “Tigers in Ice Land.” Horner is lifting the tiger.
The foreign-born Horner was a sci-fi idol after his Blue Tiger Man role and appeared in several sequels. He did not act after 1977 but appeared regularly on the convention circuit.
“He was a big man, a former wrestler,” said convention organizer Brett Quentz. “He wasn’t very talented at all but he was able to actually lift a tiger and this was viewed as spectacular. He will be missed.”
“I’m very sad to hear of the death of Rudolfph,” said Tigers in Ice Land co-star Maria Bureau-Sisters. “We had nice chemistry together on the set of that film and, of course, it was a big hit. Rudolfph and I had a brief affair and I found him to be a kind and gentle person with limited interests beyond lifting heavy animals.”
Horner had lived alone in a small rancher in the Lankville Hills. He is survived by his house.
The Incident in the Woods: An Investigative Report
By Sarah Samways
Lankville Daily News’ Contributing Female hits the streets in search of answers.
Lankville, your safety is important to me – I want you to know that. Your privacy is too, I suppose. The state of your mental health is a concern I have from time to time, if there’s nothing good on television. So when I heard there was an incident in The Woods, I was determined to get to the bottom of it. I interviewed several Lankvillians on the scene but I wasn’t getting any straight answers. When asked about the incident, a group of teenagers shrugged their shoulders. An unidentified man on a bicycle claimed he had heard an explosion of some sort but this could not be corroborated with police reports.
“Not a thing is singed,” said Detective Gee Temple, as he jumped into a pile of leaves. “We’ll take some samples of these leaves I’ve just jumped into but otherwise, I’m not seeing anything suspicious,” the intrepid detective added.
Gee-Temple: “…I’m not seeing anything suspicious.”
Others claimed there was a flood and it ruined all the crops. An elderly couple said that they had seen a young man skipping stones and playing hopscotch. I asked how this was suspicious. “I didn’t care for his haircut,” noted Leslie Smithereens, 89. Her husband, Doe, 76, nodded in agreement. A burly man said he had seen “…the light at the end of the tunnel.” A quiet weirdo avoided making eye contact at all costs but whispered, what now I can only assume to be the secret of life, in my ear, and then skipped off down the road carrying a basket of flowers. I was getting nowhere; why was I here?
I would get closer to the truth when I came across an old woman, creaking back and forth in a rocking chair on an open and termite-bitten-porch. She invited me to sit “for a spell and drink sweet tea.” I accepted the invitation. Her name was Josephine Liliweather.
SS: What exactly happened here? I’m getting all kinds of stories.
JL: Yeah, that’ll happen…You from outta town?
SS: Kind of…I’m new to the city but I’m quite familiar with The Woods. I’ve lived here from time to time.
JL: Well, it takes time. Everything and nothing happened out here. Everything and nothing.
SS: It seems some people are upset –
JL: What about that girl who disappeared?
SS: What? I hadn’t heard that –
JL: Oh, I doubt you ever will!
Ms. Liliweather then splashed hot sweet tea in my eyes, threw me off the porch and rolled me down a hill in one of those old fashioned wooden barrels. It smelled of pickles and it was disgusting. The interview was ended prematurely, but set for a later date yet to be determined.
If You’re Not Eating a Beezler’s, You Are Not Eating a Smore.
These guidos know what a smore is. They know Beezler’s.
A PAID ADVERTISEMENT
If you’re not eating a Beezler’s, you are not eating a smore.
So you think just because you are putting that graham cracker with melted chocolate and marshmallows in your mouth that you are eating a smore, eh? Well guess again. Guess as many times as you want, but you won’t be correct until you guess “No, I’m not eating a smore”. That’s because for 87 years, Beezler’s Terrific has served as Lankville’s ONLY authentic smore outlet in the region.
Made with REAL graham cracker, 100% chocolate chips AND marshmallows, a Beezler’s Terrific is a great use of your mouth.
We are located off Route 7 near the big golfing dome thing, come on by! The smell alone will put you and your family in a raptured, catatonic state. Choose from over 100 varieties of smores, including Pina Colata, The Nutty Brown Bear, and our newest creation: The Salty Fisherman. Ahoy matey!
So the next time someone hands you a graham cracker with chocolate and marshmallows on it, slap it right out of their goddamn hands because you deserve better. You deserve a Beezler’s.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK