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Exciting New Scaffolding Takes Shape Outside Hadoobian Hall
Elliott Cumber-Lanny
Connoisseurs of the cable, sommeliers of steel, gourmands of the grommet, take note: an impressive new edifice has gone up outside Lankville State’s venerable Hadoobian Hall. The scaffolding rises some ten stories and, when completed, will provide easy access for visitors seeking alternative ingress to the building. It will also offer an aesthetically pleasing shell to what building administrators admitted was a rather staid and dated brick facade.
The scaffold bounty.
Noted mall architect Mike Squatch waxed nostalgic at the sight of the scaffolding.
“It’s such a classic touch,” he said. “Functional, sure, but forward-thinking as well. Just look at the way it catches the sunlight and breaks up the monotony of the building surface!”
“They don’t make them like that anymore,” he added.
Indeed, according to blueprints shared exclusively with the Lankville News, the scaffolding is of the welded aluminum-alloy type, with base sections in widths of 29-inch or 4-feet, six inches, and spans of eight feet between frames. It features two diagonal braces and one horizontal brace, and allows the placement of intermediate extension and guardrail sections, using individual end frames and braces. The scaffolding also boasts a leveling mechanism for uneven terrain. Provided that alloy couplers are used with the light but sturdy alloy tubing, the scaffolding should be impervious to corrosion, according to experts we consulted.
Prior to erection.
“Eat it, Peterborough Town Hall scaffolding,” said Squatch.
Of the several dozen passersby quizzed by this reporter, almost every single one expressed a tingly sense of amazement and wonder at the sheer beauty and scale of the scaffolding. One person admitted to outright awe.
“I have a morbid fear of exostructures,” said Susie P. Totenhotten, who works in a nearby building. “Anything with exposed framework just freaks me right the hell out.”
Still, Ms. Totenhotten had to admire the impressive vertical thrust of the scaffolding, and allowed that the rods and parts lying around gave her a certain visceral thrill.
“They’re just… sitting there,” she said.
She ran from the edifice, flushed and breathing heavily.
“The bottom line is, Lankville has been waiting for something like this for a long time,” noted Squatch. “With summer coming, you need exciting new architectural attractions – sure, we’ve got The Woods, the Mud Pits, and the roaring chasms of fire at Grand Southern Expansive Cement Grove Mall… but this – this is a game-changer.”
Kitchen Kerfluffle Leaves Hurt Feelings, Unsightly Mess
By Dennis Updatables
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
An ongoing dispute in the shared kitchen space in the Office of Financial Excellence at Lankville State University has entered its third week, with no resolution in sight. The dispute began when the last few drops of cleaning liquid were squeezed out of a large bottle of Barlow’s “Magic Hands” Detergent, a popular brand around the upper echelons of the Vice Presidents’ Citadel on the Lankville State Campus.
The “mess”.
The “Magic Hands” Detergent was not replenished, and the dirty dishes (and silent, seething frustration) began to pile up.
“Ridiculous … disgusting … Un-Lankvillian” were some of the words used by Susie P. Totenhotten to describe the scene in the kitchen. Ms. Totenhotten is second special assistant administrator to the Interim Vice President of Financial Excellence and often finds herself tasked with flushing out a coffee pot in the late afternoons.
Rebekah Wollstonecraft, part-time student assistant to the Interim VP, agreed. “Usually the ‘Magic Hands’ gets low, somebody leaves a Post-it Note on the cupboard above the sink, and the next week there’s a new bottle. Not this time.”
“I’m just a student,” she added. “It’s not my job to buy detergent for these assholes.”
Anger bubbles over at missing suds.
Dave Schlarsberger, 52-year-old Assistant Vice President in the Office of Financial Excellence, could not be reached for comment. His office released a statement of surprise and dismay at the state of affairs, however, while disavowing any responsibility.
“I don’t know what the world is coming to, I really don’t,” said Margaret Winchell, someone we stopped in the hall. “I understand that people are frustrated, they’re angry, tensions are boiling over and they have to come out somehow. But what does this solve?” she asked, gesturing helplessly at the neglected kitchen sink. “How does this help anything?”
Ms. Winchell hurried off in distress as a couple of burly men passed by with keys jangling.
As of press time, the “standoff” continued, with the Special-Interim VP of Extimate Affairs threatening to call in an outside cleaning unit if the mess is not dispersed soon.
Paisley Elected Treasurer
By Bernie Keebler
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Loaff A. Paisley has been elected treasurer of Lankville.
The 35 year-old Paisley is an Eastern Hills resident. He has been in the cattle feeding business for 13 years.
“I met Loaff when I had some cattle to be fed,” noted President Pondicherry, who oversaw the election. “Actually, I ended up being completely mistaken. I didn’t have any cattle. But it was a happy accident because I met Loaff. I encouraged him to run for office.”
New treasurer Loaff Paisley.
Paisley defeated incumbent Scancius Power by a tally of 935 to 716. 99% of Lankville did not turn out.
“It was not a compelling election,” noted political analyst and Lankville Daily News columnist Lloyd Byas-Kirk. “Also, there were a lot of other things going on that night. There was a quiz bowl for talented youth, the malls were open late, there were a number of challenges. As usual, debilitating fear of anything outside also played a part in the paltry numbers.”
Paisley earned a bachelor’s degree from the Eastern Hills Easier University and is a member of the Lankville Cattle Bureau. He also serves as assistant treasurer of the Koala Bears and Walnuts Club.
He and his wife, the former Tebbie Raines, are the parents of five children.
“I’m pleased at the results,” said Paisley, in a prepared statement. “For far too long, my opponent Mr. Power, has abused the wallets and purses of our people. I’m asking Lankville to buckle their seatbelts and find the exit. There is one exit and it’s right here.”
Paisley pointed at himself.
He will assume office in early June.
Columnist Hadbawnik Nabs Ph.D.
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville Daily News contributor David Hadbawnik has nabbed a Ph.D., sources are confirming.
“It’s true,” the columnist affirmed, when we accosted him outside the room where he successfully defended his doctoral thesis. “I feel great, feel like I’m ready to take the next step forward and wait for the opportunity to give academia 110% all the time. I’m in the best shape of my life,” Dr. Hadbawnik added.
Dr. David Hadbawnik
Hadbawnik’s thesis, a study of various medieval Lankville poets, was praised by a professor and panel member who refused to be identified.
“It’s a great piece of scholarship and Dr. Hadbawnik has a great attitude. He worked hard and if he didn’t always have his best stuff, he battled. He’s happy to be here– he’s a professional scholar.”
In appreciation of Hadbawnik’s achievement, The Lankville Daily News named the scholar a “Senior Correspondent” early this afternoon.
“We don’t have many senior correspondents,” noted editor-in-chief Marles Cundiff. “But Dr. Hadbooner [sic] is the kind of guy we can rely on. He’s a great clubhouse guy and he takes things one day at a time and he always has his game face on. With this honor, he’s really made a statement. It’s a statement Ph.D., it really is.”
Dr. Hadbawnik did not outline any specific celebration of his achievement.
“Probably just a quiet dinner at the Casa Montecristo,” he stated. “It’s an elegant reception hall,” he added after a long silence.
Area Jackass Has, Like, Fucking Trash in His Front Yard
By Zach Keebaugh
STORIES THAT AFFECT YOU
CENTRAL LANKVILLE– An area jackass has nothing but, like, fucking trash in his front yard.
The jackass, who has been identified as Mr. Coven Slides, a Tungsten Inert Gas Welder, had little to say about the fucking trash when challenged.
ZK: What’s with the fucking trash, old man?
CS: The wood was all part of a shed that was in the backyard. It was in the backyard for years and then it wasn’t. Then, it was in the front yard and it was broken up like that. That’s also when that big cart was there.
Would you just look at the fucking trash that this area jackass has?
ZK: The Lankville Daily News is not buying that shit explanation, man.
Mr. Slides just shrugged his shoulders and walked away. Later, we saw him inside the big shitty cart.
Calls to the Central Lankville Sanitation Department were answered.
“We know about Mr. Slides,” noted Sanitation Director Rudy Sakata. “His yard does have a lot of trash in it. But in that photo you faxed over, one can clearly see a blue trash can. We took that to mean that Mr. Slides is taking care of the issue.”
“The old man is all, like, acting like he doesn’t know how the trash got there,” I said. “It’s a big mind game if you want my opinion,” I countered.
“Well, there’s that wood cart there. And the cart is full. Clearly, some things are happening,” said Sakata.
My toaster pizzas were done then so, you know, I cut the interview short.
Mr. Keebaugh’s story also suddenly ended.
This is Me, Getting Into My Van
IMPORTANT MOMENTS IN LANKVILLE LIFE
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking- okay, it’s a picture of a bald guy getting into a van. Pretty ordinary. Kind of thing you see everyday in Lankville.
Well, what if I told you that guy is me?
You’re reading a little closer now, aren’t you?
Let me tell you a little more about this photograph.
I had stopped for lunch at a gas station on the summit of a mountain. I live on the mountain but not quite on the summit, see. I live a little further down but not at all far from the summit understand– just a quick five-minute drive. The thing about the summit is– you gotta’ have some money to live up there– what with that view and everything. Most of the people that live up there– they got these above ground pools in their yards. Yeah, that’s the kind of green we’re talking about.
They got a little gas station with a bistro attached and a couple of umbrellas thrown out for effect. They also got a hobby shop nearby, a place where you can buy those little wrapped trees for your porch and a Dollar Bush. So, again, you get the picture of the kind of place the summit is.
Anyways, I had just finished off a quarter pounder roast chuck sandwich with fries. They cut the fries into little animal shapes– makes me laugh. I’m coming out to the old girl– she’s a ’97 Neptune Argosy (big enough to camp in, I’ve done it) and a guy standing over by the pumps says, “Hey, you, the squat sort of person over there– do you want your picture taken being as how you’re on the summit of the mountain?” Hell, I’m not going to lie– I thought it was a little weird. But then I kind of came around to the idea– after all, I was on the summit. And I couldn’t think of any photos of myself with the old Neptune (except the thousands I took when I first bought her). Thought it could be something I could share with the grandchildren even though I’m going to be dead before I have any grandchildren because I’m 47 and divorced and childless and have no prospects at all because I don’t live on the summit but rather deep in the woods just on one side of the mountain but whatever, a guy can dream can’t he?
Well, this guy asks for my phone number and tries to send me the photograph. But on account of us being on the summit of a mountain, we can’t get any kind of signal and the guy says, “Hey, listen, when I get down off the summit, I’ll send this to you.” Well, I thought that was a heck of an idea so I says, “Yeah sure, do that, would you?” And he looks at me for a long time and then he says, “You bet I will.” And you know what? I could tell he meant it.
And he did. Because, sure enough, the next time I left the mountain (about two months later), there it was– popped right up on my flip-top.
And now, I can share it with you Lankville.
Pizza Cabin Launches Cookie Pizza!
By Bernie Keebler
MEANINGFUL BUSINESS NEWS
Pizza Cabin today is rolling out a 12-inch chocolate chip cookie that will be sliced like a pizza – and delivered like one, if you like.
The cookie, officially dubbed the “Ultimate Chocolate Chip Cookie that Resembles a Pizza” is part of a partnership with Royer Chocolates. It will be $7.99 with a pizza, or $8.99 separately. The cookie is available for dine-in, pick-up, air-drop, or delivery at any one of Pizza Cabin’s 87 Lankville locations.
The new Ultimate Chocolate Chip Cookie that Resembles a Pizza from Pizza Cabin.
“Everyone at Pizza Cabin is ecstatic,” said Carney Mounted, chief marketing officer. “Our fans are in for an amazing, mind-blowing experience.”
“This isn’t your everyday cookie,” Mounted continued, her alabaster skin aglow with delight as she held up one of the pizza cookies to the assembled journalists. “Look at it!” she demanded. “LOOK AT IT!” she screamed. Tension crept into the room. Mounted grew hysterical. “IT’S A COOKIE THAT LOOKS LIKE A PIZZA!” she reiterated. “HOW IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS DECENT CAN YOU CONTINUE WITHOUT EATING THIS???”
It grew darker.
The pizza cookie is an addition to Pizza Cabin’s other offering, the Ovoid Dunkers, small balls of pizza dough topped with a touch of dark chocolate and sprinkles.
“DID YOU ALL GRASP THIS?” Mounted suddenly screamed, still holding up the pizza cookie. “I NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU HAVE GRASPED THIS?”
The executive was suddenly led away by some handlers.
To highlight the cookie’s launch, Pizza Cabin will host a “bake dump” offering the cookies, with 10 percent of proceeds going to various charities.
He Said / She Said: Decoding Lankville’s Dating Lingo
By Ida Rumpus
You’re on a hot date on a Saturday night in Lankville’s swingingest scene: perhaps a quick slice at “Pizza-A-Round” followed by a movie at old Pondicherry Theater, maybe a stroll in The Woods if the conversation’s really engrossing. Things are getting intense and you suggest catching the last Subway train home, or perhaps you’re better off hailing a cab. That’s when your date turns to you and says…
Wait – what’s that? A series of words has just come out of your date’s mouth, you listened with a grin on your face and nodded idiotically, but did you really understand what was said? Luckily, the Lankville News has enlisted the aid of Men’s Feelings Expert Kevin Thurston and psychologist Winifred P. Temple to help you parse these common dating lines.
He said: “I had a really good time… I’m just not sure I’m ready to dig this tunnel with you.”
What it means: Scrape the peanut butter off your nether regions and take your arm out of that fake sling. And save the tunnel-digging until after the third date, at least.
How you feel about this closing elevator could determine the fate of your romantic life
She said: “I like the way your face remains cool, aloof, and expressionless as you regard me across the room.”
What it means: This person is confident enough to endure your disapproving gaze and the many hours of silence you’ll spend together, assuming things work out. Could be a keeper!
He said: “I was glad you quoted (famous Lankville philosopher) Nitzwald earlier, but your pronunciation was a little off.”
What it means: A classic mixed message! Rather than spend hours in front of a mirror practicing your speech, you might make better use of that time carefully basting a succulent boar’s head.
She said: “Please write to me – but only through coded messages sent by carrier pigeon. And don’t expect a response.”
What it means: You’ve got a real mystery on your hands. This is a person who enjoys the thrill of the chase and wants to see how you deal with challenges and “delayed gratification.” If you can be patient and “crack the code,” there’s no telling where this might lead!
He said: “So, have you sent any funny messages on LankLove.com lately?”
What it means: Try not to hyperventilate or show any signs of stress as you think about the fake profiles you’ve set up on the LankLove dating site to “mess with your exes.” This question is actually a signal that your date is ready for some shared tales of romantic hijinks and revenge plots gone awry. Take a deep breath, be honest, and dive right in!
She said: “Are you the type of person who rushes onto an elevator, or do you, like, take your time?”
What it means: There is no wrong answer to this question. Unfortunately, there’s no right answer, either. Getting onto an elevator too quickly can be a sign of insecurity that dates back to childhood issues with uncles and cousins, and anxieties about being locked out of your favorite shed. Sauntering slowly onto an elevator can signal that you don’t understand the basic principle of Archimedes’ screw, not to mention social niceties. It may be time to push the “going down” button on this particular date.
Barlow Foods Reorganizing Several Stores
By Mrs. Larry Temple
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Ever hear of rebooting a grocery store?
Barlow Foods is in the middle of a “reset” at several of its stores, including locations in the Lankville Capital, the Deep Eastern Suburbs, and the Outlands.
“Each store is making carefully moderated changes to the general merchandise departments,” said founder and CEO John Barlow. “Some are perhaps noticeable to the observant customer. Others are small changes that customers won’t even notice.”
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.
“The bulk foods section at each store is relocating to where the Bounteous Garden Wonderland organic section was,” noted Barlow, who was interviewed in his downtown office suite. “The Bounteous Garden Wonderland organic section, which is expanding, will move to where the Holiday Card Shop was. The Holiday Card Shop will now be found behind the lockers and the Limited Soft Shoe department, where kitchen tools are currently sold.”
Barlow produced a complicated flip chart and scanned quickly through several pages.
“We already have a large inventory of organic and gluten-free products and, very soon, customers will have even more to choose from in the Bounteous Garden Wonderland which will be expanding a few aisles into the Cake, Pastry, and Filled Doughnut Department but not effecting the revolving Juice Jenny or the Cheese Wagons,” Barlow said.
The changes are being made to accommodate the product offerings added to the Bounteous Garden Wonderland section as well as an increase in the offering of Elephantine Family Bundle items – products sold in large quantities at a quantity discount.
When asked if the changes were a response to customer requests, Barlow demurred.
“Acknowledging customer requests means acknowledging a state of lawlessness. These changes are so because I have said they will be so.”
Barlow Foods has already completed the process at other stores in the Western Lankville market. The current resets should be finished by April 15th.
OPINION: It is an Injustice that My Novels Have Not Garnered a Wider Audience
By Cust Shirley, Novelist
IMPORTANT OPINIONS
I began writing 25 years ago.
In that time, I have produced 16 novels, countless short stories and several chapbooks of humorous poetry. I have penned essays, critical reviews, travel accounts and even a novella written entirely in rhymed couplets. And if you think that’s easy to do, my friend, then I invite you to try it. Hell, you can even use my desk and sleep in my guest room if you want to give it a shot.
But despite all this work, I bet you haven’t heard of me, right? Why?
Because of a grave injustice. Let me explain.
My first novel The Shed Out Back was a realistic story of a love-hungry girl in the Lankville scrublands. I actually spent several months in the scrublands just so I could get the feel of the place. It paid off. I ended up with what I thought was a masterpiece. Here’s a sample:
In the end, Gretchen was a one-man woman– a woman who could give only one man the full passion of her being– the wild, unheeding surrender of a scrubland animal. Cliff may have been the wrong man– he probably was the wrong man but it didn’t matter. Because scrubland trash loves it that way.
If you can’t get excited by the power of the written word over that paragraph, then we better start checking your pulse.
Anyway, the novel gets printed and comes out in some selected bookstores in the Lankville scrubland and peninsula areas. It gets reviewed– in this very paper, no less by a man who shall remain nameless. And this is what that reviewer wrote:
The Shed Out Back is the printed equivalent of vomit. And also, piss and shit.
I will never forget those lines. But I would not be deterred. I pressed on.
More novels followed in quick succession. Jezebel in the Meadows, Square and Bare, Hard Phil, High Pillows in the Snowy Region, Demon Experiences in Many Lands. Each and every one– a gem in my mind (and the minds of my wife and some of our friends, I should add!) And every time– the same kind of review or some version of it. Here’s what that same reviewer said about Hard Phil:
If you’ve ever wondered if it were possible that a pile of dung could be run through a printing press, bound and sold in bookstores, then pick up a copy of Hard Phil.
Can you god damn believe that? I told my wife that if I ever ran into that guy…
I pressed on. I completed a trilogy of novels about a quartet of overly-endowed revolutionary women and some bears who live in medieval times. The bears talk like humans and it’s sort of about the complex interactions that they might have if there were these overly-endowed revolutionary women around. I add further bears in the second volume and then several child bears with oversized heads in the third novel (they are meant to be from another planet). Then, everyone actually travels to another planet. It was a deeply personal work coming as it did at the zenith of my creative powers and when I sent it off to the publisher, I thought to myself “Shirley, you’ve done it. The first truly important work of our new century.” Then, I waited.
And waited. And waited.
Finally, I called Herb Howard over at Night Pyramid Books. I said, “Herb, what the hell’s going on over there?”
And he said, “I’m sorry, Cust. But we won’t be publishing the Nude in Orbit Trilogy. It’s just…” He sputtered out. I slammed the phone down.
And you know what I did? I published the god damn thing myself.
I got copies for $19.95, $29.95 for the signed deluxe edition. You wanna’ correct an injustice? Buy one.
You WILL NOT be disappointed.
The opinions of Cust Shirley are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Royer to Purchase “Burger Rex” Franchise
Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Eccentric Lankville business magnate Ric Royer announced today he will purchase a Burger Rex franchise in Eastern Lankville. Royer has long been a patron and social media enthusiast of the chain and of the Eastern Lankville location in particular.
“It’s my favorite of the many Burger Rex franchises,” noted Royer at an early morning press conference which was held on a log raft in the middle of a lake. “They have paintings of heaven all over the walls and booths shaped like automobiles which create the illusion that you’re driving while you’re eating your food. The booths and the paintings of heaven come with the restaurant.”
Retro automobile booth. Note the man crying in the background.
Royer noted that he will make only a few alterations to his new endeavor.
“I’ll add some more paintings of heaven. Otherwise, the tableau is perfect.”
The executive played the hero at the restaurant in an incident in January when he repelled several youths who were taunting an elderly woman.
“With the exception of some unwarranted sexual situations, [the restaurant] has exhibited model behavior since,” Royer averred. “I look forward to owning the restaurant and maybe, sometimes, living there.”
Royer will assume ownership on April 1.
And the Best Public Restroom in Lankville Is….
By Trent Steib
INVESTIGATIVE REPORTING…FOR YOU!
We’ve all been there: hustling up from the Lankville Subway, clutching sacks of delectables from Barlow Foods or holding a hatbox from Five White Guys’ Haberdashery, when nature calls. Urgently.
But where to turn when you are “on the go” and suddenly find that you “have to go”? Even as those familiar cramps begin to twinge with an unmistakable message, your thoughts can’t help but fan outwards over the qualities we all seek in a public restroom. Perhaps you are the type of person who values privacy; the open-air stalls beside the Pondicherry Square Farmer’s Market are not for you, then. Maybe you require hot, running water to wash with; if so, you will want to plan your next constitutional to pass beside the Mud Pits, where restroom plumbing is fed by the hot springs of the Lankville Partial-Ice Regions.
“I go there all the time”
After a six-month Special Investigation of the habits and preferences of Lankvillians, we have finally and definitively determined the public restroom that encompasses the features our citizens find most desirable: the Stacy Q. Pryzbylewski Memorial Water Closet on the third floor in the main branch of the Lankville Public Library.
“I go there all the time,” averred Men’s Feelings Expert Kevin Thurston. “Something about the color scheme, the lighting, and the water pressure makes for a gestalt that leaves me feeling well-adjusted for the rest of the day.”
Noted mall architect Mike Squatch, meanwhile, praised the restroom’s design aesthetics.
“You don’t often find that level of detail and harmony in post-mid-century Lankville lavoratories,” said Mr. Squatch. “The breadth, the balance – it’s really quite unique.”
Indeed, certain features of the Pryzbylewski bathroom were mentioned time and time again by men and women on the street.
Among these were the especially spacious stalls that allow ample room for spreading out. “It’s important to me to have enough leg room to do all I need to do,” confirmed Honey Rose, Lankville’s senior pizza stripper. “Especially first thing in the morning.”
“I appreciate the handrails, too,” she added.
Also noted was the pleasing mosaic design on the wall tiles, tastefully hovering at eye level for those making use of the stalls. The outward-opening doors also met with Lankvillians’ approval: “The last thing you want to do is have to step back towards the toilet when you come out,” said typical post-graduate Gretchen Chairley, 24. “You want to flush the toilet, pop the door open and leave in one fluid motion.”
High-pressure flushing action, solid aluminum panels between urinals (on the men’s side), well-stocked assorted vending machines: the Lankville Library restroom has everything to meet citizens’ gastrointestinal needs.
But it has more.
“The murder holes,” said Mike Squatch, smiling. “The murder holes are a nice perk that really sets this puppy apart.”
Every one of our respondents agreed: There is something deeply satisfying about finishing off a visit to the lavoratory by dropping an object or two through the restroom’s “special aperture” onto unsuspecting Library patrons on lower floors.
It’s just another thing that makes being out and about in Lankville such a unique adventure.
Shortly after press time, Trent Stieb was killed in a challenge. We will miss him.
Mouthy, Sanctimonious 24-Year Old Hasn’t Produced Any Trash in 3 Years
Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
At first glance, Gretchen Chairley seems like a typical 24-year-old post-graduate living in Lankville City. Clad in a baggy, shapeless blouse, leather vest and foreign shorts, Chairley’s style is congruent with her parent-subsidized two-bedroom apartment in a South Lankville City development.
While most of us who have jobs utilize “trash cans”, Chairley has a jar.
But a further look beyond the shabby-chic decor and exotic plants reveals something unexpected. A small jar filled with a collection of colorful wrappers, slivers of plastic, an apple and a candy cane sit atop her spotless kitchen counter.
“That’s my trash for the last three years,” she says with a smug, self-satisfied smile.
Indeed, Chairley has barely produced any garbage since she began subscribing to a “Nullity-Waste Lifestyle” three years ago. The idea behind the “Nullity-Waste Lifestyle”, developed by a series of glib, bombastic hippies in 2007, is to eliminate anything that will end up in a landfill or that cannot be pompously composted by Chairley in her self-aggrandizing smart-alecky zero-responsibility day-to-day life– a life that she pretentiously crows on about on her electronic web station site “Trash is For Dumpers”.
As an environmental studies major at Lankville City University, she felt like a “hypocrite” for nattering on about sustainability but still owning a traditional trash can. “I decided to remove plastic from my life entirely,” noted the hifalutin’ self-applauding undergraduate. “I don’t even own a toothbrush or deodorant,” she added haughtily.
Chairley talks about her la-di-da lifestyle.
That meant spending her ample free time finding alternatives to everyday items and crafting several on her own. “I spent quite a bit of time with a wood craftsman learning how to fashion a toothbrush out of oak shavings and horse hair that fell out of the horse naturally, of course,” Chairley pontificated. “I spent a ton of time just waiting around a horse for that.”
Despite her self-absorbed, imperious lifestyle, Singer says she hasn’t really changed– she’s just found alternative means to live her “better than everybody else” life.
“I don’t have to be a stereotype to live a sustainable lifestyle. I just have to be me. My taste is the same. I enjoy the same things. I just don’t make trash and I’m going to tell you all about it for many, many years.”
Chairley’s rants may also be found on scanit.com and as a mobile application on your “Reckoner”.
New Mall to Feature Roaring Chasms of Fire
By Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
The newly-built Grand Southern Expansive Cement Grove Mall will feature roaring chasms of fire, sources are confirming.
“People have grown tired of those tiled pools they have in most malls where the fount kind of spurts out inconsistently like a urinating grandfather,” noted architect Mike Squatch. “And all those pennies. You wouldn’t believe the Island-Person man-hours spent picking pennies out of the bottom of fountains. It’s ridiculous.”
“We have eliminated the weak-streamed fountain, pennies and Island people all in one step,” Squatch added. “With roaring chasms of fire.”
Squatch says that Southern Expansive will feature four roaring chasms of fire, placed conveniently near staircases and elevators.
Squatch working on the fire chasms.
“I mean, if you want to throw a penny in one, by all means. It’s just going to get burned to hell,” Squatch noted as a giant smirk appeared across his face.
Mall Age Magazine, Lankville’s premier mall periodical, is embracing the innovation.
“There are different modes of production of fountains (i.e., fountainization) from both natural space to more complex spatialities where the fountain is socially produced,” noted Mall Age Magazine critic and editor Barry Games, who was interviewed at the edge of a copse. “What we’re seeing from Squatch is an analysis of the fountain as a three-part dialectic between everyday mall practices and perceptions, representations or theories of fountain space and then, finally, the spatial fountains of our time. It’s quite an achievement.”
Games was suddenly attacked by a lion and the interview was ended prematurely.
Southern Expansive is due to open in April.
Lankville Vending Machines Under New Management
By Ida Rumpus
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
There are certain things, as citizens of Lankville, that we count on. Fresh, breathable, slightly off-color air. Winter trees festooned with plastic bags. The right to shower as long and hard as we want to. Sometimes, living where we do and enjoying the bounty and beauty of Lankville and its environs, we take these things for granted. We wake up and just assume that they’ll be there, like the Woods or the Mud Pits.
And then one day, they’re not.
Read it and Reap: Under New Management
Such is the case with one of our local points of pride and commerce: reliable, well-stocked vending machines.
When it was discovered last month that vending machines across Lankville were running dangerously low on supplies of Barlow Foods Braided Honey Twist Wheat Helices, Salty Crab Cake Crackers, and Double-Dipped Bow-Tie Licorice Ribbons, residents were rightly incensed.
“I don’t work hard all day in the Lankville State Office of Financial Excellence only to find nothing in the machine but Moon Chips,” snapped Dave Schlarsberger from his office in Carmody Hall. Schlarsberger, an assistant vice president in the OFE, then reminisced about a “bounty” he once found in an overstuffed bag of Braided Honey Twist Wheat Helices, until a passing administrator challenged him and he had to sign off.
Sad Sacks: Area Youths Dispirited at Dearth of Snacks
Fortunately, President Pondicherry and his staff sprang into action as soon as it became clear what was happening with the machines.
“The vending machines are under new management,” said Sue Ely, spokesperson for the president. “We can’t have gangs of ruffians and old people mismanaging such an important part of the local economy.”
Ms. Ely assured this reporter that henceforth vending machines will be run by competent youths and frequently (and fully) stocked with the tasty treats we all love. Dave Schlarsberger, and all of Lankville, is grateful.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK