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Brock Belvedere’s Guide to the 2016 Presidential Race

September 24, 2015 1 comment
Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

How will Lankville vote? What are the issues? What do the candidates look like? What about the “funny candidates” who have no chance to win? As the fight to the 2016 presidential election heats up, here is my exclusive guide to who may be the next president of Lankville:

PRESIDENT PONDICHERRY

Lankville Party of Moderation

President Pondicherry has a new dog!

Pondicherry

Dr. Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr., son of two former Lankville Presidents, began his political career serving as governor of the Eastern Pines Area from 1999 to 2007, after narrowly missing winning that job in 1994. He is known for his moderate stances on Challenges and trash pickup and believes that the Lankville government should have no role in making weighty decisions.

Status: Declared. Pondicherry launched his campaign via a Presdential Address and a small late night reception at the Casa Montecriso (an elegant reception hall).

Age on Election Day: 54

Education: Eastern Easier University (Western Island Social Studies major)

Family: None

Birthplace: Eastern Pines Area

RANDY PENDLETON

Lankville Heritage Party

By Randy Pendleton

Pendleton

Randy Pendleton needs no introduction. He is one of the World’s Most Famous People, the owner of several tall buildings, a wildly-successful food chain and is a regular guest on television and radio programs. His political service is wide-ranging; he has served on the Bureau of Probes since 2012 and is an active member of the Koala Bears and Walnuts Club. He is a self-declared “heavyweight conservative”.

Status: Declared. Pendleton announced his candidacy in a tent.

Age on Election Day: 49

Education: Pendleton eschewed all traditional forms of education and instead “trained myself.”

Family: Five boys: Conor (15), Taylor (13), Bryce (11), Randy, Jr. (8) and Barlow (5). Wife, Peggy (5 out of 10), age 47.

Birthplace: Lankville Bluffs (Northern)

AMANDA JENNIFERS

Morality Party

A late candidate, Jennifers is chairman of the newly-founded “Morality Party”. She claims that she will “build a great wall around filth, intercourse, cussing and challenges” and has a plan to rid Lankville of “pornographic publications” and “pizza” and to “build more malls and highways”.

Amanda Jennifers, Morality Party.

Jennifers

Status: Declared. Jennifers annouced her candidacy this morning after rocketing to fame following her attack on Lankville Daily News food columnist Brian Schropp.

Age on Election Day: 37

Education: Barlow Foods High School

Family: Four boys, one girl: Connor (12), Randy (9), Mason (6), Riley (3); Alexis (10); Husband Kent Jennifers, age 39.

Birthplace: Deep Northern Suburbs

RIC ROYER

Hell

Lankville business magnate Ric Royer announced his candidacy in July, listing his political affiliation only as “hell”.

By Ric Royer

Royer

Royer has long been one of Lankville’s most enigmatic characters– the founder of several extremely successful businesses including “Royer Automats”, “Worlds of Royer”, a toy company, and The Dollar Bush, a chain of discount stores. He has also spent long periods of time in the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness mental institution. “This should not be a problem for the voters,” Royer noted, in a short speech given at a hotel that was later destroyed by fire. “The decisions of great men are not made in giant palaces with columns. They can be made anywhere, even in a shed.”

Royer’s political viewpoints are unclear.

Status: Declared. Royer announced his candidacy on five different occasions while in the game room at Foontz-Flonnaise.

Age on Election Day: 38

Education: Greater Lankville Falls University (Theatrical Times major), Advanced Greater Lankville Falls University (Theatre and Animal History major).

Family: None

Birthplace: Lankville Falls

Rounding out the Ballot

David Hadbawnik (Gourd Party), Dr. Nickelbee (Green Sanity Union), Sturdy Teddy (Mountain Party)

Jennifers to Throw Hat in ’16 Ring: “Morality Candidate” to Challenge Pondicherry

September 24, 2015 Leave a comment
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

Amanda Jennifers, who rose to fame yesterday as a “morality activist” has decided to throw her hat in the 2016 Presidential race ring.

Amanda Jennifers, Morality Party.

Amanda Jennifers, Morality Party.

Jennifers, who was named leader of the newly-formed Morality Party, will challenge incumbent Pondicherry and world-famous citizen Randy Pendleton for the Presidency.

“I will build a great wall around filth,” said Jennifers, who announced her candidacy at the Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall) this morning. “A great wall around filth, intercourse, cussing and challenges. Are you ready for me Lankville?”

A small crowd politely clapped in response.

Jennifers, 37 (rated about an 8 of 10 by this reporter) has never held political office. She rose to prominence yesterday after attacking Lankville Daily News columnist Brian Schropp’s latest book Breakfast Sandwich Boy.

“Lankville needs to be shaken and wobbled,” said a supporter who refused to be identified and was later pushed off a cliff. “I think that Amanda is the one to do that– she speaks the truth.”

Current polls show Pendleton as the front-runner in the race, Pondicherry a close second and Jennifers a distant third.

“I’m in this for the long haul,” Jennifers noted. “Morality always wins. Always.”

Schropp Book Filth Says Local Activist

September 23, 2015 Leave a comment
Buck Igloos

Buck Igloos

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Some people don’t like Brian Schropp’s new bestseller Breakfast Sandwich Boy and they’re making their voices heard.

Self-proclaimed “morality activist” Amanda Jennifers says that the book is “filth” and should be banned from stores.

“The book contains bad language, sexual congress, bumpkins and pizza– all the things we are trying to teach our children to avoid,” said Jennifers, who gave a short speech before a small lectern this afternoon. “All of these things are decaying the moral threads of Lankville.”

“Kids are buying this filth, passing it around in locker rooms and by wooded areas and are becoming converted to this freewheeling pizza lifestyle,” Jennifers added.

Lankville University Press, Schropp’s publisher, issued a short statement.

Schropp's new book causing a rumpus.

Schropp’s new book causing a rumpus.

Breakfast Sandwich Boy is an honest depiction of an alternative lifestyle. We have no intention of censoring it.

The author, interviewed during a break from his shift at the Pizza A-Round, said he was saddened that some people were offended.

“I write from the heart, from a good place inside the heart, a place of brightness. I am lusciously sorry that anyone was offended,” said Schropp.

The 266-page collection, culled from stories originally published in The Lankville Daily News became a bestseller in its first week.

“It’s been on our “staff picks” shelf the whole time,” said Larry Pendleton’s Double Book Hut employee Larry Klacik, who was intoxicated. “Everyone always looks forward to a new book from Brian.”

Jennifers says she will take her argument all the way to President Pondicherry if necessary.

“This is a new moral movement in Lankville. We will prevail.”

Police Station Number Changes Nearly Finished

September 16, 2015 Leave a comment
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Several police stations in Lankville are getting new numbers.

The changes are the result of a committee formed by Detective Gee-Temple and the Bureau of Probes who decided that nine stations should be numbered consecutively. Heretofore, because many stations had been eliminated, there was a number 54 station (Snowy Lake Area) and a number 55 station (Northern Hole Area) but no stations numbered 8-53.

“We felt this was very confusing,” noted Gee-Temple, who said the committee met over 20 times to decide on the new numbering system. “So, now the stations will just be numbered 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and so on.”

“We had some other ideas, including ditching the numerical system altogether and naming the stations after famous politicians, mall designers, and [decorative ham magnate] Chris Vitiello but in the end we just went back to consecutive numbers,” Gee-Temple added.

Former Station 115 (Western Cave District), now to become Station 9 or Station 2, according to conflicting reports.

Former Station 115 (Western Cave District), now to become Station 9 or Station 2, according to conflicting reports.

Under the new setup, Station 54 becomes Station 7, Station 55 becomes Station 3, and Station 82 (Pyramid Area) becomes Station 6. Other stations will remain the same.

Contractors have been working on the changes for several months.

“Gotta’ big sign there with a number on it and we gotta’ nail it in above the door,” noted Cloff Joffrey, a local contractor. “Big job, Lloyd. Big job.”

Joffrey became distracted by a lewd pamphlet and the interview ended prematurely.

Gee-Temple noted that several officers are still using the old station numbers which has resulted in some confusion.

“We apologize for the complete lack of police response recently. Understand that this is a process. It will be over as soon as they get those signs up,” the intrepid Detective said.

Lanklove on the Rocks: Sex Scandal as Popular Site Gets Hacked

September 14, 2015 Leave a comment
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

“CAUGHT IN A BAD ROMANCE”

Dave Schlarsberger, married for 22 years and assistant vice president in the Office of Financial Excellence at Lankville State University for almost as long, was looking for a bit of discreet “companionship.” Katie Lynn Rumpus wanted to find someone with whom she could, in her words, “work out the kinks” in what had become a sedate home life with her longtime husband. The two found each other via the popular Lanklove.com online dating interface – and now all of Lankville has found them out.

Sc

Dave Schlarsberger: Wanted Snacks, Not Hacks

Late last night a group of “hacktivists” calling itself the Lanklove Liberation Front dropped 22 jigabites of data into a “dark corner” of the News parking garage, containing the names, addresses, and predilections of thousands of local residents. The LLF announced it had breached Lanklove servers several weeks ago, and demanded the popular site immediately begin offering specialty sandwich and decorative ham delivery in addition to its other services. CEO Knute Beiderbecke staunchly resisted this demand, pointing out that the hiring of drivers to deliver said food items would cut perilously into his bottom line. Furthermore, he added, the Lankville food delivery market is more or less saturated, between Five White Guys Food Trucks and the new Schropp’s Slops.

“The irony is that I really was just looking for someone to share a late-night snack with,” said Dave Schlarsberger from his office. Schlarsberger, long bereft at the paucity of snack options in campus vending machines, claimed he logged onto Lanklove hoping to find someone as enthusiastic about Salty Crab Cake Crackers and Goudy Gorilla Chee-zits as he is. In Katie Lynn Rumpus, he thought he’d found a match. “Now my wife is furious,” he said, “and people are giving me strange looks in the hallways.” Schlarsberger is now sleeping on the couch – snackless – and worried he might have to take a lesser position at Eastern Hills Easier University as a result of the scandal.

“Celebrity skinned”

The most shocking revelations to emerge from the data breach involve salacious tidbits about Lankville celebrities such as Dick LaHoyt and – gulp – President Pondicherry. The President, already facing a tough re-election campaign battle and long rumored to frequent the seedy underbelly of the Lankville “swingers’ scene,” acted quickly to counter the emerging details through Spokesperson Sue Ely.

“The President’s account was hacked, plain and simple,” claimed Ely in a brief news conference. “He does not, nor has he ever, preferred a ‘Girl Next Door’ type with a ‘fit, lumpen physique’ who can ‘teach me to say yes while barking like a dog on all fours.’ That is simply absurd, as anyone who knows the President personally can tell you.”

Yet President Pondicherry apparently made three separate payments to Lanklove.com, including a sum of $350 for the “Lanklove guarantee” – an assurance that within three months he would be abducted from his home and treated to a “psychosexually fulfilling act” by a surprise partner, or receive a full refund. The Lankville Greater Council called for an investigation to determine if any public funds were used for the payments.

President Pondicherry has a new dog!

President Pondicherry: Stinger for a Swinger?

Dick La Hoyt, author of a popular series of opinion pieces for this paper, quickly admitted to his affair when confronted with the details and begged forgiveness from his readers and his wife, Tammy, who runs Tammy Nails at the Three Pines Double-Tiered Strip Mall in the Deep Lankville Basin Area. “I’m a strong man,” he said in a prepared statement. “I get punched in the mouth a lot, and I pop right back up and get punched in the mouth again. But like many others, I have weaknesses, too. Some punches hit a little deeper, where it really hurts. When it hurts my family…” La Hoyt then began punching himself in the face and was led away from the podium by his wife, Tammy.

“Say it ain’t so”

Perhaps the most controversial item to emerge from the Lanklove data breach involves Ashley Pfeiffers’ New Boyfriend and Lankville Daily News Female Reporter Sarah Samways (also the co-proprietor of S&F Inc., a consulting firm she shares with Dr. Devon Fick). Reached at her island retreat, Samways at first denied the tryst, then broke down and confessed her love for Ashley Pfeiffers’ beau.

The Boyfriend claimed, however, that he only signed up for Lanklove during a drunken “bull session” with his buddies while he and Ms. Pfeiffers were “on a break” last spring, and never followed through on any dates. “I might’ve loggd [sic] on once lol” he texted from Pizza A’Round. Ms. Pfeiffers admitted to feeling “DEVASTATED” and “SO SAD” at the news of her Boyfriend’s indiscretion, but later sent a message to this reporter confirming “WE ARE IN LOVE…” and refused to answer any more questions.

As all of Lankville awaits further revelations from the LLF hack, rumors continue to swirl that CEO Knute Beiderbecke will soon resign. Stay tuned.

Barlow Foods Pharmacy Earns No. 1 National Ranking

August 26, 2015 Leave a comment
By Floyd Miller

By Floyd Miller

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Barlow Foods Pharmacy has the highest overall customer-satisfaction rating in the country, according to Meulens-LaPoint’s latest study of pharmacies nationwide.

The ubiquitous grocer scored 887 points on a 1,000-point scale that measured prescription ordering, cost competitiveness, bag stapling, and non-pharmacist associate staff, as well as pharmacist and store experience. The list was created using surveys from nearly 111,115,000 customers during May and June.

“This study measures the very things we have focused, even insisted upon for many years,” said founder and CEO John Barlow.

Barlow Foods beat out brick-and-mortar and mail-order pharmacies across all categories, including chain drugstores, big-box pharmacies and pharmacies that have toys. It was also the only company on the supermarket pharmacy list to earn Meulens-LaPoint’s highest ranking: five out of five gold Special Power Stars, designating it “among the best.”

Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.

Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.

“Our pharmacy employees have built relationships with our customers that start with things like caring, devotion and maybe, in some cases, love,” Barlow stated at a news conference held within site of a pharmacy. “But they also understand the value of mutual understanding. The mutual understanding that comes from knowing who the customer is, and who the boss is. Who is in charge. Every Barlow Foods customer should know this– if this mutual understanding is found lacking on the customer side, then the customer does not return. And that is our decision.”

“I’m the one. The one in charge,” Barlow elaborated, after a long silence.

Runners-up in the supermarket category were The Outlands Brothers, with a score of 871; Drug Barrels, with 866; and mall-based chain Monkey Pups, with 861. The average supermarket pharmacy satisfaction score was 851.

Barlow was not planning on a celebration.

“Our goal is to remain open during the good years and through the imminent very, very bad years. How would it look for us to stop now for a sad little cake and a pharmacy hung with sagging crepe streamers?”

A trophy commemorating the achievement will be mailed to Barlow’s offices.

Longest-Running Home Improvement Project in Lankville to Continue

August 24, 2015 Leave a comment
Jackie Sheds, Jr.

Jackie Sheds, Jr.

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

It began with an innocent beige-and-urine colored tarp, which concealed the “coming attraction” of a refurbishing project that has become the talk of this sedate neighborhood in Lower Lankville Heights. When Francine Tippit-toes (great aunt to Janice Tippitt-Toes, millennial entrepreneur with big plans for the Lanqueduct) hired Mutter and Sons to redo her front porch, she had no idea she was actually bankrolling a summer “hit” that’s been running for three months now, with no end in sight.

“What’s going on under there?”

“What’s going on under there?”

Mutter and Sons – operated by Karl Mutter with his two sons, J.B. “Jellybean” Mutter and Augustus “Auggie” Mutter – left the tarp up for a solid month before commencing work on the porch. This, they later revealed, was a tactic aimed at building anticipation and tension in neighbors and passers-by.

“What’s going on under there?” mused Mutter Sr., casting himself in the role of a curious onlooker. “You don’t know, but you want to know. It’s all part of our plan.” Indeed, next-door neighbor Glen Rumpus (brother-in-law of Genevieve Rumpus, but no relation to the Ida Rumpus who writes for this paper) made it his business to peek under the tarp on several occasions.

Finally the Mutters unveiled their work-in-progress. They quickly tore down the facade of the porch, using chain saws to dispense with the shrubbery out front that could only obstruct a clear view of their performance. Settling into their “one day on, three days off” routine – which became as familiar to home improvement aficionados as the intermittent Lankville postal delivery schedule – they put the porch through several stages of deconstruction that at first baffled area residents.

The “First Notion”

All the world’s…

All the world’s…

Auggie Mutter explained that their slow, careful process reflects the stages of man’s development, from a mere negative particle drifting in deepest space, to what the Mutters call “the First Notion” (represented by a seemingly chaotic scattering of dirt, rocks, and equipment), to conception, birth, puberty, aging, and death. Often, everyone is so moved by the process that they repeat it several times on the same project.

Dr. Kevin Thurston, Expert on Men’s Feelings, noted that the gestalt produced by the Mutters’ work resembles that of more primitive, but often effective, therapeutic strategies, such as Scream Technique or Intensive Hugging. He can often be found on the site during work hours, selling personalized folding knives and tickets to an upcoming event at Casa Montecristo.

While the Mutters recently installed a new porch surface and support columns, their “audience” hopes the show doesn’t end anytime soon. Glen Rumpus said he finds the work soothing, especially given that it usually occupies no more than an hour or two of every fourth day when the crew arrives with their truck and tools. Watching from his own front porch, he’s entertained by the sounds of grunting, sanding, sawing, and singing (J.B. is an accomplished interpreter of sea shanties) – not to mention titillated, amused, and informed by the Mutters’ witty repartee.

All the world’s...

“the first notion”

“There’s a presidential election coming up in Lankville, in case you hadn’t noticed,” said Rumpus. “When Karl and Auggie get to talking about the differences in policy platforms between some of the candidates, or unraveling the corruption of the Pondicherry regime, well, I have to sit up and listen. Honestly, I don’t know how I’ll make an informed voting decision without them.”

Thankfully, the Mutters confirmed that they plan to extend their run well into fall. “Gosh, there’s a good two months of home-improvement weather left,” said Mutter Sr. “This is a prime location, and we’re excited to take advantage of it as long as we possibly can.”

Cheese Falls on Royer

August 20, 2015 Leave a comment
Elliott Cumber-Lanny

Elliott Cumber-Lanny

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Some nacho cheese fell on Lankville business magnate Ric Royer last night.

Royer’s condition is unknown.

“What we had here was a situation where some cheese fell on [Royer],” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive on the scene. “The How’s, What’s, Why’s, they are unknown to us at this time.”

Some crickets chirped loudly. It grew darker.

“There could be a time in the near-future when we will be able to update you further,” Gee-Temple added.

A curious beam of light briefly illuminated the detective’s darkened office, then vanished.

Can you give us an idea if the cheese was hot?

Royer with the cheese on his head.

Royer with the cheese on his head.

It was an aberrant, high-pitched voice– unknown, unseen. Its preternatural quality was clearly a monstrosity. And yet, it refused to come forth from whatever abominable realm from which it spoke.

“We do not know that. How could we?” Gee-Temple answered. But this was no longer his dominion. He possessed no earthly right to converse within this nightmarish dimension.

Someone stepped forward. He was a reporter, yes– we recognized him and, yet, we did not.

“Eons ago, unimaginable eons ago,” he began, “when only the waters existed. And from this foul, hateful slime there came a race of beings which dwelt in the sunken abysses of the oceans, inhuman creatures bound to the worship of inhuman Gods. When the great continent arose and the islands arose, then these revolting creatures sunk deeper into the lowest depths. They hate man, for they feel that man has usurped their kingdom. Their power will eventually embrace all the continent, all the islands. They will achieve their desire.”

“Who are you?” demanded Gee-Temple.

The reporter laughed. “I work for another paper. I’ll see you guys later.”

After he left, it grew darker. “I’m going to put a tail on that guy,” Gee-Temple said, after a long period had passed.

We set out into that darkness.

We have wandered all night.

Famed “Pizza Disturbance” Closes After 61 Years

August 19, 2015 Leave a comment
A Buck Igloos Health Watch

Buck Igloos

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

The “Pizza Disturbance”, a famed Eastern Pines restaurant, has closed after 61 years.

“We were a beacon for pizza enthusiasts,” noted manager Crease Sandborn, who inherited the business from his father. “But now that run is over. It’s time to prepare. To prepare for death.”

Calls to the old phone number went directly to a recording thanking its loyal customers and also admitting to several murders.

The property, which featured a carry-out window, a sit-down bar, and balloons, has been sold to Sensational Mons Entertainments, a developer and amusement park concern.

“I can confirm the purchase of the property that formerly housed The Pizza Disturbance,” said Sensational Mons representative Al Heffler. “But I have absolutely nothing further to add to your story. Eventually, a placard will be put up. But you’ll have to wait.”

The site of

The site of “The Pizza Disturbance” before Brian Schropp set it on fire.

Sandborn, now 82, is planning a move to the Islands.

“The Islands seems like a good place to die,” he stated.

A small gathering of pizza enthusiasts assembled at the location in the Eastern Pines Business District to mourn.

“I loved the Pizza Disturbance,” noted Lankville Daily News cuisine writer Brian Schropp. “Mr. Sandborn said that I was the goofiest-looking person he had ever seen before shoving slices at me on a grease-soaked paper plate. So, there was that old world charm that you don’t really get at the modern places.”

Schropp lit a candle in memory. The building immediately went up in flames.

“Oh…um…guys,” Schropp was heard to say before darting off into the woods.

Officials put out the fire shortly thereafter. The building was burned to the ground.

Calls to Sensational Mons Entertainments were not returned.

Millennials Are Moving Back to Lankville and Living Like Kings

August 18, 2015 Leave a comment
By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere

A BROCK BELVEDERE SPECIAL REPORT

Last year, Berenice Cradles and her boyfriend Josh Wilson-Shires paid $26,000 for a three bedroom, 1,600 square-foot Lankville Northern Regional Style house in the Snowy Lake Area. After growing up in the nearby Eastern Hills, attending Lankville State Easier University, then living and making music in the Islands for two years, Cradles and Wilson-Shires came back to Lankville, where they have become active in a movement of young preservationists bent on restoring the nation’s old homes and buildings.

“The new Lankville Dream is not about owning a giant mansion or a fancy Neptune but owning something that matters more because it’s accessible,” said Cradles, as we sat over Apple Cider Toast and salmon at Flour to the People Bakery while Wilson-Shires sat very quietly and obediently nearby. “I think the whole Lankville Dream is really shifting because young people are out there changing Lankville.”

At age 26, Cradles’ life is a sort of marketing campaign for Lankville. This summer, after wrapping up a series of episodes for the Lankville Broadcasting Company in which their refinished home was shown repeatedly at different angles, Cradles and Wilson-Shires were married, becoming Lankville’s First Couple of Historic Preservation. The event had its own hashtag– #lankvilleloveweddingwithcake, mirroring the name of their own recently founded company “Lankalove Developments”, which restores old homes, commercial buildings and pebbly lots.

Cra

Berenice Cradles (Press Photo). Husband Josh Wilson-Shires not pictured.

As she wolfed down some more Apple Cider Toast (and added some brie to our repast), I asked Cradles what Lankville’s new slogan should be.

“Lankville: Comeback Nation,” she said, instantly. “Oh my God, I’ve thought about slogans for months and months and months.”

“She has,” added Wilson-Shires in a quiet, feeble manner.

According to census data analyzed by The Lankville Daily News, from 2000 to 2015 the number of college graduates between the ages of 22 and 30 in Lankville jumped 45%, more than in the Islands or the Distant Peninsulas. Part of attracting that younger demographic involves programs like the Lankville Salvage and Love Project, which provides loans for individuals and businesses to improve downtown properties, many of which have been ravaged by neglect or challenges.

“A lot of people look at these old structures and think that they’re just rotted old places full of rats and vermin and bum’s piss,” noted Lankville Re-Use Project CEO Dawn Elliott-Cryoden, aged 27. “But millennials see possibilities and so they tear out everything and put up new walls and solar panels and little gardens and they clean up the bum’s piss and what you’re left with is development. It’s really a new movement.”

Upon my arrival in Lankville, I landed on the basement couch of Nora Jeans-McGriff, a 26-year old who, in 2012, ended up in Lankville after biking up from the Islands. She had just been planning to stay for a few months while doing a work exchange at a wood shop in the Middle Outlands, but her plans changed after she bought a house at a foreclosure auction for $1,000. The house isn’t livable yet (it was partially destroyed by numerous challenges, a Super Tornado, and bum’s piss), but she’s been slowly fixing it up, adding a green roof, gutters made of recycled stiffened cardboard and insulation made of pressed trash and with help from handy friends in town.

Nora Jeans McGriff

Nora Jeans McGriff

In the meantime, she pays $150 a month to rent a room in a communal house in the Middle Outlands and waitstaffperson’s at Emoti-Flan, an artisanal custard cafe.

“I make a lot more money here than I did in the Islands,” noted Jeans-McGriff.  “And I can save a lot here– I didn’t work at all for four months! I just traveled, played music, made graffiti art, raised nine chickens, collected rainwater, fed some bum’s at a community kitchen, counseled children, built reusable water bottles out of found trash, grew tree fruit, started a bicycle laboratory, purchased some vacant lots, and hung out with my boyfriend!”

Starting a business is also less daunting in Lankville. One day, I visited PAO QUOTIDIAN (owner’s capitals), a worker-owned bakery in the Great Northern Mountain Area opened last year by first-time business owners Tori Loops, Allison Hunter-Awnings, Emily Freedmont-Westerbrook and Kim Fields, all in their late 20’s. They raised $40,000 to start the bakery from an online funding platform and now pay $400 monthly on a graduated rental lease for their 1900 square foot space. The artisanal bread market is not saturated in Lankville; business is brisk.

Loops, 28, originally from Hoover Island, got her master’s degree in performance studies and Gender Musings from Eastern Hills Easier University. After graduation, she worked sporadically as a graphic designer, co-operative farmer and a waitstaffperson at a cupcake cafe but decided she wanted to live in Lankville where she could do work that “mattered”.

“I’m glad we’re past the point where the Islands are the only places to go and be successful and make your mark on the world,” said Loops (rated about a 7 out of 10- 8 out of 10 if she ever wore a bra). “There are a lot of places in Lankville to have opportunity that are a little more accessible.”

B

Smith Bryce-Phillips

Smith Bryce Phillips agrees. He lived in Lankville until he was 22, when he moved to the Islands. Last year, at age 27, he moved into a house in Lankville with his homosexual lover.

“I couldn’t really make a name for myself in the Islands. I didn’t get any attention. So, I came back to Lankville. The energy feels right in Lankville now,” he told me at just desserts cafe (owner’s lack of capitals), where we met for brie, cupcakes, and pumpkins.

Right next door, Smith rents a storefront for $500 a month. He hasn’t disclosed the name or purpose of his store yet (currently, a sheet of brown raw treeless “paper” covering the front door reads #MYSTERIOUSSTORE, but he imagines it will serve as a community bike space, used gay bookshop and pottery learning center. While he fixes up the place, it stores his massive sculptures, several interconnected repurposed tractor wheels that take up nearly 3/4 of the space. He calls the sculpture HUGGINGLANKVILLE.

Psy

Psychologist Winifred P. Temple studies Millennials (Press Photo)

“People are really excited about the mysterious storefront,” noted Phillips, as he smeared an artisanal free-range pumpkin with brie. “The idea of a completely unknown storefront is something new, something they haven’t seen before. Every day, at least ten to fifteen people come up and ask what the store is going to be- try to guess, give me suggestions. It’s inspirational. I wouldn’t have got that kind of attention in the Islands.”

“Millennials have that can-do, entrepreneurial spirit, said area psychologist Winifred P. Temple. “It’s relatively easy to be in the Now,” noted Temple, “but how many of us can live in the Next? Millennials can, and do.”

As just one example, she pointed to the historic Lanqueduct that runs along Old Pondicherry Avenue in the Western Lankville Plains. The aging structure, built by the ancient Lankans who first settled in the area, still services many longtime residents with fresh, slightly colored water.

Janice Tippitt-Toes, friend and sometime “physical sharer” of Berenice Cradles, has big plans for the Lanqueduct. “It will be a mixed-use development. I envision an artisan youth hostel, a Men’s Feelings Center, and an urban park that you navigate with a network of webs and pulleys,” she said, beaming with an almost off-putting confidence as she sipped a soy Lankichino near Pondicherry Square.

Cradles

Cradles dances over some of her backyard plants while topless. “They grow better when you dance with them,” she noted.

Despite the growth of the millennial demographic in Lankville, the nation’s population is still in decline. “The reality is that people do tend to move to the Islands when they start drawing a good salary,” noted Eastern Hills Easier University Lankville Studies Professor E. Talbot Bonds. “We’re still dealing with the reality of the challenge problems, the tenting murder epidemic, super insects, eldritch horrors– the list goes on and on.”

But Cradles still believes that Lankville will prevail.

“We’re right at the dawning of a new age,” she said, after giving her husband the okay to consume an unadorned bagel. “So many groups are starting– I’ve started so many groups. Just while we were talking, Brock, we closed a deal to buy 22 vacant lots in Lankville. We’ll turn them into co-operative farms and composting stations.”

It’s a labor of love, Brock. A labor of love.”

Photo credits: Catrin Lloyd-Bollard and Bethany Dinsick.

Oakes, Jr. to Publish Short Story Collection

August 14, 2015 1 comment

By Larry “God” Peters

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Lankville Daily News correspondent Dick Oakes, Jr. will publish his first collection of short stories. The book will be released on September 1st.

No Merit in It includes several pieces that have been published in past editions of the News.

Oakes, who was interviewed while squatting in a pebbly lot, noted that he is pleased with the collection.

No Merit in It: The Collected Stories of Dick Oakes, Jr.

No Merit in It: The Collected Stories of Dick Oakes, Jr.

“I thought those boys [at the publishing house] did a good job with it. I mean, I don’t fool none with computers or calculators so they had to type it up and everything. Come out nice.”

No Merit in It will be available for $19.99 in trade paperback and $39.99 for deluxe hardcover. Several copies will be signed by the author. Oakes will not be doing a book tour.

“At first we thought that maybe Dick could do a few signings at the store,” noted Randy Pendleton’s Double Book Hut employee Larry Klacik. “But we were told by his agent that he will likely be out-of-town or “incapacitated”, whatever that means. We offered them twenty different dates but none worked with Dick’s busy schedule.”

Klacik paused to adjust some puzzles which were bumped slightly out of place by a passing customer.

“We expect that the book will sell well,” added Klacik. “Everyone enjoys Dick’s funny stories.”

Oakes, who has been writing for the News since 1982, has won several trophies for his investigative reporting. He is also Lankville’s premier authority on the sport of Small Motel Girl Wrestling.

The book is the third to be published this year by the News, following two titles by noted cuisine writer Brian Schropp.

5 Things that Disgust Me in Men: By 5 Famous Lankville Women

August 12, 2015 1 comment
Sheeba feeding you your future on a shimmering platter of love.

SHEEBA INCAVIGLIA, Astrologer

five

“I am an emotional woman by nature. Therefore, I could not stand the love and companionship of a man who was unable to share these emotions that often explode within me and which I feel so deeply. To make me happy, a man would have to be able to make me laugh when I am happy, to sob uncontrollably with me when I am sad, and to share my often senseless grief with me with I grieve.”

LE NORA ST. JAMES, Jungle Movie Actress

LE NORA ST. JAMES, Jungle Movie Actress

“I am really disgusted by men who hold up hour glasses and are like– OK, time’s up, honey.” Gosh, I can’t stand that. I want a man who doesn’t worry about time, who ignores times, who lets the day unfold naturally, even if it means missing the boat back to the mainland and having to stay with some weird island people that don’t have any teevees. That’s OK, though, because, like, then you get the adventure of staying with island people and a story you can tell later when you get back to the mainland. I also don’t like men who aren’t adventurous. If I want to go into a dark cave, why shouldn’t I be able to? I don’t need some man telling me, “no, no no.” All I want to hear is yes. That’s just my most favorite word!

ROBIN BROX- Businesswoman, Founder Brox Uncolored Condiments

ROBIN BROX- Businesswoman, Founder and CEO, Brox Uncolored Condiments

I drive 100 MPH everywhere and I don’t stop for any god damn traffic lights. If a man is scared by that, then he better stick to the fucking kiddie rides. And I don’t like prudes. If you don’t want to even broach the subject of rallying up enough pelvic torque to take a woman to a place where heaven knows no fucking bounds, then let’s call the whole god damn thing off right now. What am I in this shit for– the conversation? Forget it. I gotta’ look after these god damn uncolored condiments, I don’t need any of that garbage. The first time some asshole squirts some yellow mustard on a $20 tie is the next time I get another customer. They’re coming out of the god damn woodwork. They just love these god damn uncolored condiments. They plunk down ten grand just to hear my ass stand at a lectern and natter on about them. Who the fuck knows? Is anybody really happy? Get out of here with these horseshit questions, for Christ’s sake.

DR. GINA TORREZ-KEEBLER, Professor of Gender and Women's Studies, University of Southern Lankville Plains

DR. GINA TORREZ-KEEBLER, Professor of Gender and Women’s Studies, University of Southern Lankville Plains

I don’t care for men who are crude or violent. They may call themselves he-men but as far as I’m concerned, they are merely overgrown juvenile delinquents. The Lankvillian male tends to confuse bad manners, sloppiness and sexual congress with virility. A real man is gentle, kind, effete even. He does not have to go around proving it by cursing, working out with free weights or having intercourse. He can prove it just by putting a single white rose in a vase on a table and creating a lovely, spare tableau or by hanging a fashionable drapery. That’s what interests me and I find men to be most useful for.

Shelley Reports

SHELLEY REPORTS, Economist, Writer

I guess I’m a little on the tubby side– just a little. So, a man would have to accept that. I have a strange, high-pitched voice as well. There’s that. And my feet make an eldritch squeaking noise when I walk. They’ve never been able to figure it out– it doesn’t matter what kind of shoes I wear. I don’t have to be wearing any shoes at all. My feet just squeak. It’s odd. I also don’t have any teeth.

So, I guess I would like a man who is accepting of all those things and still finds me beautiful. I am beautiful, it’s just those problems that I outlined above. I want a man who tells me I’m beautiful and who sends me pre-printed greeting cards that say, “YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL”. That would be nice.

In terms of what disgusts me? Probably just foreigners.

Sing Us a Song, Piano Man: Bourdealeau to Revive Memories of Nights at Casa Montecristo

August 11, 2015 Leave a comment
By Eric Klox

By Eric Klox

People in the News

A slice of life from one of the Lankville Snowy Lake area’s most renowned and beloved musicians will be celebrated on Sunday, August 16th when the Two Carpet Theatre presents “Memories of Paul Bourdealeau at the Casa Montecristo”.

The event will recreate the era of the tinkly piano sing-along, specifically performances by Bourdealeau at the Casa Montecristo, which decades ago was Lankville’s most elegant reception hall and hot spot.

Paul

Paul Bourdealeau

Bourdealeau played six nights a week at the Casa Montecristo beginning in 1968 until he was replaced by Deejay Humphries in 2000. People would gather and sing along with the accomplished keyboardist well into the night.

“Nobody could play the tinkly piano sing-along like Paul,” said long time patron and aged person Glonn Wilkerson. “This is a great event and is going to bring back a lot of memories for us old-timers.”

Wilkerson was suddenly attacked by hornets and the interview was ended prematurely.

Thr

The Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall)

The August 16th event, which will include over 20 singers and a short performance by Bourdealeau himself, will benefit the Bourdealeau Confrontation Trust, a non-profit organization dedicated to ending the Challenge Problem in Lankville. Refreshments will not be served.

Bourdealeau, now 97, has been practicing for the event for weeks.

“Just trying to remember about the piano,” he noted. “Everyone is having a wonderful time.”

Tickets for the show are $20 for adults and $15 for students and are available by calling the Two Carpet Theatre at Snowy Lake 2-5512 or by visiting the box office. Ask for Kent.

Government Seeks to Close Funeral Home

August 11, 2015 Leave a comment
Bernie Keebler

Bernie Keebler

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Request for an injunction to prevent the Three Kings O’Great Centre of the Divine from practicing the profession of funeral directing, was filed in Small Circuit Court yesterday by the Lankville Board of Funeral Directors, Embalmers, and Memorial Flower People.

The suit was signed by the Attorney General.

It was alleged that the defendants, Mr. and Ms. Lakely Beaches, are not licensed to practice funeral directing and, notwithstanding this fact, the firm has been supervising funerals for profit, have “prepared human dead bodies by means other than embalming”, and sold funeral supplies including caskets, plots, and sad musical instruments.

Mr. and Mrs. Beaches claim they have done nothing wrong.

Shenanigans

Shenanigans at the Three Kings O’Great Centre of the Divine?

“We have a good, honest, family funeral home,” noted Mr. Beaches, who was interviewed while en route to pick up a sandwich and a body. “The government is sticking their noses in where they don’t belong, as usual.”

The Board, however, noted that the Three Kings O’Great Centre of the Divine lost its license in 1985. A request for restoration and reactivation was denied in 1988, 1994 and again in 2012.

When asked why it took thirty years to affirm the lack of proper licensing, the Board noted, “We’re just buried in paperwork over here, Bernie.”

The case is expected to be heard later this month. The Three Kings O’Great Centre of the Divine has been closed until further notice.

Hadbawnik Announces 2016 Presidential Bid

August 7, 2015 Leave a comment
By Kimball J. Cranney

By Kimball J. Cranney

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Lankville Daily News senior correspondent and renowned gourd expert David Hadbawnik has announced he will run for president in 2016.10383084_553888541412180_7295192065874618611_n

“President Pondicherry is not a friend to nature,” declared the candidate at a mid-morning press conference held at the Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall). “He believes that economic growth comes from the construction of highways and malls. I believe that economic growth can only come from nature. And not just gourds but from all nature, all of nature’s bounty”.

“But also gourds,” Hadbawnik added.

The candidate will run alone.

“I don’t require another politician. I will run with the gourds,” Hadbawnik stated.

Hadbawnik becomes the third Lankvillian to declare his candidacy. Incumbent Albert Pondicherry Jr. and famous celebrity Randy Pendleton will also run.