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News in Brief
By Brock Belvedere
KEEBAUGH HONORED
Zach Keebaugh got a medallion.
Lankville Daily News columnist Zach Keebaugh received a shimmering medallion last night for his work in the field of investigative reporting. Keebaugh was one of three recipients.
“Yo, it’s good to get out, socialize, get this god damn medallion,” the journalist noted. “I spend an awful lot of time in that overheated hell of an apartment over the knives and puzzles shop, just doing nothing, man. Just sitting around with one of those little plastic games, man. You know, where you got to guide the marble through the maze. God, what a shit show. Who knows, might meet some ladies here, take one of them home, you never can tell, man.”
Keebaugh did not take any ladies home, sources later confirmed.
SAMWAYS AND FICK ISSUES HOLIDAY CARD
A glimpse at the message inside the Samways and Fick Annual Holiday Card.
Samways and Fick, Lankville’s most prestigious consulting firm, issued its annual holiday card today after much anticipation.
“I wrote the interior message myself,” Samways, who was wearing a giant foam jacket, noted. “I think it’s really beautiful and conveys to our clients how much we love them, how much we grow with them and they with us.”
The foam jacket suddenly began to expand and Samways ended the interview prematurely.
Only 300 holiday cards were issued.
“Your business should consider itself very, very lucky to get a Samways and Fick card,” said Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow. “It means that you are at the pinnacle of commerce in Lankville. We, of course, get one every year.”
Samways and Fick has been helping you reach the area near the top of your mountain since last year.
SMALL MOTEL GIRL WRESTLING ROUNDUP
A series of exciting small motel girl wrestling matches were held last night at the El Patio Motel (Room 14) in Capitol City.
Tandy McLemore (14-3) defeated newcomer Peachy Lynn the Bomber (0-1) in the headliner.
“Peachy Lynn tried cornering Tandy between the two double beds,” noted commentator Dick Oakes, Jr. “That’s a real rookie mistake and she paid for it. The area between the double beds is an absolute no-man’s land in small motel girl wrestling.”
McLemore is set to take on The Fabulous Lass (13-2) in January.
Royer to Purchase Dinner Theatre
By Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Noted Lankville business magnate Ric Royer will officially add a dinner theatre to his holdings, sources are confirming.
“We can confirm that Mr. Royer is purchasing the Walter W. Pipette Memorial Dinner Theatre,” a spokesman, who refused to be identified, stated. “I don’t have any concrete figures at this time.”
The Walter W. Pipette Memorial Dinner Theatre
Royer, who spends every holiday season in seclusion at the Foontz-Flonnaise Mental Institution, was not interviewed.
“This is Mr. Royer’s peak time with his illuminated porcelain Christmas village layout. We won’t see him until January,” the spokesman noted.
The Walter W. Pipette Memorial Dinner Theatre has provided entertainment and dinner to Southeastern Lankville residents for over 60 years. It was founded by Pipette, a thespian and theatre advocate, who was smothered in 1959. The theatre was later named in his honor.
“All the great Lankville playwrights debuted there,” said longtime actor Manny Outfits, now retired. “And they really did have good dinner. And then eventually they installed TVs, puzzles, games right at the tables. So, the theatre was really secondary. Or not even secondary. It was just background noise. Hell, sometimes they were even late with raising the curtain. But that’s okay because it rubbed off on a few people.”
Outfits was suddenly involved in a challenge and the interview ended prematurely.
No programming changes have been announced.
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
Dick Oakes, Jr.
For about three months, I passed her every day at the corner of Pondicherry and Pendleton.
It was nearing summer when she spoke to me.
“Don’t I see you all the time?”
“Yep.”
“What do you do?”
“…I…I do some writing. Freelance.”
“So, you’re a bum? You loaf?”
I had to give it to her. Plus, she had a hell of a set of legs.
She looked between the office buildings where a lonely farmhouse, about to be bulldozed, sat forlornly.
“Because of a lingering pro-rural bias in the scholarship, studies have revealed more about the mid-nineteenth century Lankville farmhouse than about these office towers.”
I nodded senselessly. I had been on my way for some beers. All I had been thinking about were those beers. And now, this.
She stretched and gave me a good look at the cans.
“So, I suppose you’ll write about me, then?”
“Maybe. Mostly, I just cover the Small Motel Wrestling circuit. In the West, at least. They got another clown in the East…” I trailed off.
“I don’t care for Small Motel Wrestling. It’s base.”
“Well, I guess they’ll probably just shut down the whole operation now that that’s out.”
“You’re teasing me.” The sun hit her face. It was god damned glorious.
“Maybe I’ll talk to you again,” she said after a time. The lunch crowd was spilling out of the offices.
“Maybe so.”
I didn’t see her again but I did get those beers.
Is Online Dating Safe? A Zach Keebaugh Investigation
Zach Keebaugh
Yo, there’s about a million online dating sites these days for single Lankvillians to pick from– Companions, Fair Enough Cupid, The Bump, The Pumpkin Patch, Smackers, and Sunshine, GO! are just a few of the more popular platforms. With tens of thousands of eligible ladies online, you’d think a guy could do pretty good for himself, could ratchet up some serious clean and jerk skills, if you know what I’m saying. But is online dating safe? I aimed to find out. I am Zach Keebaugh, Investigative Reporter.
First thing I did was go undercover. Some real cloak and dagger shit, dog. Made up a bunch of fake names and used my cousin Steve’s picture for my ad– Steve’s got a face like a cherub but there’s an element of danger in his eyes– the ladies eat that fucking crap up.
Within minutes, I got several replies– even got a picture of some girl half-wrapped in a blanket on a couch flashing nothing but bare ass out the back. So, I sent her a message– “that blanket is rad, girlfriend” followed by a couple of those shiny cat stickers and a smiley face. She wrote back pretty quickly:
I’m an assertive woman with a sweet, “accommodating” boyfriend, and I’m very interested in finding someone(s) to hang out with, while he’s made to follow a few steps behind.
She invited me to meet her (and her boyfriend) at an abandoned airplane hangar in the Lankville Outlands. “He’ll be dressed as a dragon,” she wrote. “You’ll see him instantly. But you’ll have to find me!” The whole affair sounded pretty killer but was it safe? Before I said yes, I figured on making a call to Berenice Bruno, of the Lankville Online Safety Steering Committee.
“You should always meet someone for the first time in a public place, Zach,” said Bruno. “You should never, under any circumstances, meet a woman for the first time in her home or in a location that is abandoned or derelict.”
“Why?” I probed. “Plenty of open space in an airplane hangar. What’s the worst that could really happen? Besides, this is prime time shit, this is. Dude’s gonna’ be dressed as a fucking dragon.”
“All the more reason to be doubtful, Zach. Your first date with someone you meet online should be one-on-one. And you should always be leery of anyone dressed in a costume. That’s a real red flag right there, Zach.”
I let it ride a minute. Then I went in for the probe. “Is online dating safe?”
“Under certain circumstances, of course.”
“What about inter-investigation dating? You got a ruling in your little book there on that one?”
Bruno blushed and I figured on pursuing that lead a little later.
I decided to take her advice. I switched up my profile a bit, hoping to get a little classier action. I still couldn’t use my own photograph (I’m a pretty big deal around Lankville these days– can’t even walk down the street without some clown pulling up and asking me to investigate some dogshit cause), so instead I used a pic of my homeboy Brian Schropp. I was banking on Brian’s sweet and tender nature luring the ladies in like a hermit to a cave.
Unfortunately, I didn’t think about Schropp being a celebrity too. So, I ended up getting nothing but requests from fat girls who wanted discounted pizza or some review of their bullshit new cupcake kiosk. But for the sake of the investigation, I asked one out.
Her name was Vancette and we met up in the Red Room of the Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall). I saw her first and let me just say, she was selling it everywhere. I sidled up to her at the bar.
“Who are you?”
“Yeah, listen, I’m zach132 from Companions. Sorry about the fake photo.”
“So…you’re not…Brian Schropp?”
“Nope. I’m all Keebaugh.” I threw open the sports jacket I had borrowed from my cousin for effect.
She seemed real disappointed. “I was really hoping you’d be Brian Schropp. I’ve always wanted to meet Brian Schropp. Have you read his wonderful reviews? He has such a refined palette. Such a sweet and tender soul. It’s going to be a lucky gal that ends up…”
I cut her off. “Listen, why don’t we get a table. After all, meat is the special tonight.”
“I don’t think so. I feel…well…disappointed and lied to.” Then, she suddenly hit me in the face with her purse. It was just like a movie– everybody stared and DJ Humphrey stopped spinning for a minute.
Later on, I called up Berenice Bruno and told her what happened.
“Well, that’s another thing about online dating, Zach. You need to be honest, forthright. It’s only fair.”
“Is online dating safe?” I probed, suddenly.
She sighed but we kept chatting on awhile after that.
So there you have it, yo, quick and easy safety tips for the first date meeting from an online connection. That shit is delivered.
I Want to Tell You SO Much About How My New Boyfriend Took Me to See a Pony
By Ashley Pfeiffers
OH MY GOD! I just HAVE to tell you about how my new boyfriend took me to see a pony!
So, we were supposed to have our usual date at the Pizza A-Round. My new boyfriend borrowed his Mom’s station wagon and we headed on out to the Deep Eastern Suburbs. My new boyfriend was telling me all about a new riser pad he had just installed on his skateboard. “That wheel bite was a disaster, Ash,” he said. “But with that new riser pad, my God, my life is so much different now.” I wasn’t sure what he was talking about but he is just SO CUTE. We are so in love.
After awhile, we came to the Round but then my new boyfriend drove right by it.
“Got a surprise for you Ash. We’ll get our pizza later.”
I WAS SO EXCITED. He is just SO ROMANTIC.
We drove a little longer and then we turned off onto a country road lined by split-wood fences. Finally, my new boyfriend edged the car into a little dirt lot crowded with old farm equipment. Some chickens scurried off.
An old man appeared out of nowhere. He was eating some corn straight out of a can. He mumbled something but I couldn’t understand it.
“This is my Uncle,” my new boyfriend said. “This is his spread.”
The old man spit some corn onto some of the chickens. I almost DIED. I felt so SAD for the chickens.
“Oh, they like it, Ash,” my new boyfriend said, noticing my concern. He kissed me suddenly. The old man mumbled something else incoherent.
“Ash, we just need to walk over this hill– I’ve got something to show you.”
I followed my new boyfriend up the hill. It was steep and slick from the recent rain. “I’d climb any number of really big hills for you, Ash,” my new boyfriend said. I pushed his hair out of his face and kissed him again. We stood on top of the hill kissing passionately. WE ARE SO IN LOVE.
My new boyfriend pointed to a little barn off in the distance. “It’s in there, Ash. What I want to show you.” He took me by the hand. The sun suddenly hit us both as we descended the hill. I was SO NERVOUS!
He led me into the barn. And there, in a little wood stall, was a PONY! It had a pink bow tied around its neck.
“OH MY GOD!” I said. “Is this pony for me?”
My new boyfriend was confused. “Oh, you mean, because of the bow? Naw, my Uncle just likes putting pink bows around ponies.”
I looked up at my boyfriend.
“Yeah, I dunno.”
I spent the next hour petting the pony, brushing his mane and giving my new boyfriend all kinds of kisses! It was just the SWEETEST THING EVER!
“Ash, I’m starving, babe. What do you say we go wreck some ‘za?”
“I’ll see you again, pony!” I called. OH MY GOD– I am just so in love with him.
And my new boyfriend.
It was just the greatest day EVER!
I’m Thankful…for Men
By Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
I’m thankful…for men.
What does that mean, Dr. Thurston? (that’s you asking). It means that any true empowering of one’s presence requires the acknowledgement of one’s own vulnerability. And there is no better time than the holidays to become vulnerable. Breakthroughs only occur after fear, horrific dread and naked, quaking vulnerability. And after giving thanks.
One exercise in your Thurston Methods workbook (just $19.99, $29.99 with online access code) is to draw a large cube on a piece of poster board. You will now fill that cube with all the things for which you are thankful. I’d like to draw a circle, a patient of mine once suggested. Although I was thankful for his advice, I made it quite clear that the shape would be a cube because it’s outlined in the workbook. Editing the workbook would require a reprinting that would raise its suggested retail price thereby preventing me from passing on savings to my patients. You can’t have it both ways.
I put my hands together in a pacific manner and watched as the men filled in their cubes. When the task was completed, I asked the men how they felt. Many were reticent to speak up. “You leave this exercise as a man who is now grounded in his confidence across the most important domains of life,” I offered.
You sure ’bout that? said one man (he had been assigned to my office to satisfy some court-ordered anger management hours. All we did was drew a cube an’ wrote a bunch of crap. I squatted (I always find this effective) and completed a Thurston Breathing Exercise. “Tell me about that?” I asked.
Jus’ saying. Jus’ a cube an’ whatever.
“They say we only use about 10% of the intelligence we have in our brains. I believe that’s because 80% lies in our bodies. And there’s also another 10% that just floats away, but that’s a subject for another session,” I noted.
He seemed confused but he did draw a nice cube.
Lankville Daily News Guide to Picking the Perfect Thanksgiving Day Outfit
By Ric Royer
HOLIDAY NEWS YOU CAN USE
Begin by understanding your Thanksgiving location beforehand. If you have never been there before, it will be important to case the house weeks in advance. Affect the persona of a gas and electric official, a salesman of tents, or one of those guys that solicits donations for pandas in order to have a better look. Pay close attention to doors and windows.
Avoid buying your outfit anywhere but at a large, suburban shopping mall. I generally skip the “poor” area of the mall and go straight for the luxury wing. Be sure to stop at the food court first though and loudly consume a meal rich with proteins. Be sure that at least one item you have ordered is a similar repeatable shape (you’ll see why). Complete your repast with a Cinnamon Buns. Order it “to go” and make sure the server gives you a wide basin (don’t them let tell you differently– THEY DO HAVE THEM). This way, you can rip the Cinnamon Buns apart as you walk along and let the errant pieces drop into the wide basin. Sometimes, it’s best to order two or three.
You may at first be tempted to simply purchase one of the many shirts that says “Thanksgiving” across its front– don’t be fooled. This is merely a ploy by certain retailers to sell more shirts. Ignore it. If you have the means, reach into the display case and knock over the mannequins. “I’M TEACHING YOU A LESSON,” you should say as you do this. You might save this act for last, however. Move onto the luxury retailer of your choice. Pick out a paisley blazer, red pants and some high socks that reach above the knee. Shove them onto the counter and turn your head away as though the last thing in the world you are interested in is buying these wretched rags (this often teaches the stores another lesson worth learning).
You will now want to leave the mall completely and head over to your nearest home improvement store– I recommend Home Dump. They have many locations, are severely understaffed, and easy to steal from. Pick out a bucket, a link of chain suitable to wear around the neck, a bundle of cedar wood shingles and several elongated lighters. You can hide a lot of these items in the bottom of the bucket– just throw your jacket on top! Often, they even forget to charge you for the bucket! Pay only for the shingles and the lighters.
Hopefully, by now, you will have a sense of where you be spending the big day. I want you to have a window selected– know that window. Does it push open in an inward manner (see photo)? Does it need to be thrown upward? Will it have to simply be busted through completely? Whatever the case, have your friend or lover drape a heavy canvas throw tarp directly beneath the window (so, you’ll need to go back to Home Dump and get one of those– I forgot before). Put on the chain and the red pants and keep the blazer handy in case it’s chilly.
And now, when you’re ready to greet your family, your friend’s family or your lover’s family, you come bursting through the window with one of the shingles in your hand (the shingle should be on fire). I often find it useful to have my face painted as well and to be crying but that’s your choice.
You won’t come up short with this method. Everyone will have a wonderful time.
Ric Royer is a prominent Lankville businessman. He currently lives in the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness mental institution.
Gone are the Thanksgiving Hams Says Local Worker: Weepy Stories of the Holiday
By Brock Belvedere
WEEPY STORIES OF THE HOLIDAY
Sherman Fenanigans is a thin, wiry man who looks every one of his 58 years. He sports unfashionable aviator glasses, repaired many times with tape and a faded grey uniform that has been brushed so often that the bare fibers are now visible. His paper hat is dented and creased.
Sherman has been in charge of cakes at the Barlow Foods Lankville Heights location for 32 years. “I don’t bake the cakes,” he is quick to clarify. “My authority kicks in once the cakes have been removed from the oven but before they have been placed in the cardboard containers.”
He has a family of eight to support. The holidays are a particularly difficult time. And they have been made more difficult since Barlow Foods, a multi-billion dollar corporation, did away with holiday bonuses.
“It’s been about five years since they did that,” said Fenanigans, who was interviewed while watching carefully over the display case of cakes as the brisk mid-morning crowd passed by. “We used to count on that.”
“Tell us about that?” we probed.
Fenanigans at work. He has just dropped a cake into some vegetables.
“Well, for the first 10 years, they gave us a Christmas turkey. Every year. Then, they said they couldn’t do it anymore, so they gave us Thanksgiving hams. That went on for about five years. Then, they said they couldn’t get the hams anymore but that they’d give us $10 and we could buy our own hams. That went on for another two, maybe three years. Then, they stopped giving us the $10.”
Fenanigans paused to let the weight of the sad tale sink in. It didn’t. I was genuinely flummoxed by his statement.
“What happened to the hams?” I asked.
“As I said, they stopped buying them for us.”
I still was vastly confused.
“Well, I mean, what happened to the hams they were supposed to buy for you?” I probed.
He looked at me. “What do you mean, what happened to ’em? They didn’t buy ’em.”
That’s when the picture started to become clear.
“Oh, I see. So, someone else bought them.”
“Well, yeah, I guess,” he said. “I have no idea.”
I wanted to understand further. “So, it freed up hams that just went back into the general pool of available public hams?”
I wanted to understand further. “So, it freed up hams that just went back into the general pool of available public hams?”
“Yeah, basically. And, so now we still have ham for Thanksgiving but it takes away money we could have spent on additional side dishes.”
He broke down then. He had to take a moment to collect himself. He handed his paper hat to me and asked me to mind the cake case. I did the best I could but I became so overwhelmed that I basically gave away all the cakes and made all kinds of additional wild promises. A manager had to be called.
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow consented to a brief meeting. I explained Fenanigans’ predicament.
“The policies of giving away holiday meats were no longer viable,” he noted, calling attention to several spreadsheets with interior flip-up tables on a computer screen. “The resources were no longer there. It’s a different time now then when Mr. Renanigans [sic] was originally hired.”
But for many Barlow Foods employees, that means a skimpier holiday table.
“We’ve had to cut back on things like cranberry sauce, corn, chocolate loafs,” noted Fenanigans. “You just have to learn to let certain traditions die. But it’s difficult.”
Collector’s Corner with Bobby Pinewood
Bobby Pinewood
Today, we’re going to be looking at the 1984 Lankville Baseball League cards manufactured by Barlow Foods.
“The cards were given away as special promotions at participating Barlow Foods locations,” dealer Barri Trotz explained. “For example, let’s say you bought a big bag of carrots. Well, you’d put the carrots on the checkout counter conveyor belt. Of course, the belt would get kind of moist because bags of carrots tend to be moist. This moistness would continue to increase as the bag inched closer to the register. A creeping sort of moist horror would form, thereby….”
We interrupted Trotz and asked him to focus on the cards.
“The counter person was required to distribute a card to each customer,” Trotz continued. “There were 895 cards in the set, so you can imagine how difficult it would be to acquire all of them. Also, counter people tend to be dirty, careless hill women and so the cards would become creased and bent and generally defiled. It’s very hard, near-impossible to locate a mint set.”
Trotz showed us his prized possession– a mint set.
“Have a look at the Zach Sequence card, number 437 (pictured). You’ll remember that Lankville suffered a terrible wild burr infestation in 1983. A burr is clearly visible over the left field fence– one of the biggest I’ve ever seen photographed. The Sequence card is particularly valuable for this reason.”
“People think of baseball cards as detritus but they can be cultural artifacts as well,” Trotz averred.
Card number 682 (Outlands pitcher Otho Lud) remains the most elusive of the set.
The Sequence and Lud cards from the 1984 set.
“He was a mediocre relief pitcher but also a cannibal,” Trotz noted. “The card was recalled but a few managed to leak out. A mint Lud will set you back about $675,000.”
“Most poor people are unable to complete their sets because of Lud and his cannibalism,” the collector noted.
The set features a simple design utilizing a pennant and no border on the obverse. The reverse features detailed statistics, a second, more relaxed photo of the player (they are often shown shirtless or in bed with their wives), and a short biography.
Trotz claims that only four known sets have achieved a “Professional Sports Card Titan” rating of 10.
“We’re usually seeing in the 3-4 range on most sets,” said Trotz, who is himself a Professional Sports Card Titan.
“No question, it’s a beautiful shimmering jewel in the collector’s cosmos.”
OPINION: I’m a Total Sweetheart, I Love to Laugh and Smile, it’s Just Who I Am. I Love Kickboxing.
By LE NORA ST. JAMES, Jungle Movie Actress
I’m a total sweetheart, I love to laugh and smile, it’s just who I am. And I love kickboxing.
I got into kickboxing as a way to stay in shape while I was making jungle movies, you’ve probably seen my jungle movies a lot of people love them. I love going to the gym. And I love to laugh. Laughter is the best medicine.
I have a genuine care and heart for people and I desire to see the best in others and help people reach their full potential in life and I love kickboxing.
My newest hobbies are running and I like to run and run and run and then tell everybody all about how I just ran. I have bumper stickers on my car letting people know how far I’ve run and my goal is to experience as much as possible and I like to read about science isn’t it just fascinating? All those beautiful stars!
Fitness is really important to me but I also take care of myself inside which is why I sometimes read about science. But mostly, I stay in shape with all the kickboxing and the jungle movies it can be so stressful on the set and sometimes I just need to unwind and kick one of those big heavy bags.
I love to laugh!
Not edited for content
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
Dick Oakes, Jr.
It was a windowless, brown-paneled office lit with glaring fluorescents. The battered steel desk was piled high with papers. The brick shitbox of an owner had leaned back in his chair and eyed me over.
“What’s it say on that sign out there?” he asked. He lit a stub of a cigar.
I thought about it for a minute. I hadn’t even noticed.
“Says your name, don’t it?” I ventured.
“Yeah, it sure does. But what’s it say below my name?” He brought an ashtray up from somewhere.
“Says CARPETS don’t it?”
“THAT’S RIGHT!” he exclaimed. He was damned excited about it. Who knew what the hell to make of the whole jackpot.
“What’s a carpet?” he asked, reflectively.
Oh Jesus, we really gonna’ do this? I fingered the little badge on my unpressed white button-up. It said “MS. OAKES”. I watched the myopic geriatric in the green visor make it up but didn’t correct it none. I didn’t figure on it mattering much.
He picked up the slack. “A carpet can be indoors. But a carpet can also be outdoors.” He let that sink in. It didn’t get that deep.
“Now, tell me, what did you walk on ‘fore you opened the door to my place?”
I racked my brain. I could feel the sweat on the back of my neck. What the hell is this gonna’ be worth to you, Oakes? What the hell.
“Was there some kinda’ fake grass, like astroturf or something?”
“THAT’S RIGHT!” He got up out of his seat and the chair skirted off into some corner. “That’s right, astroturf. You know, I gotta’ special ordnance to put that out there, over the city sidewalk? Now, did you know that?”
I admitted that I didn’t.
“Now, how many sidewalks have you seen that are carpeted? Huh, fellow? How many?”
“None, sir.”
“YOU’RE GOD DAMN RIGHT, none. Now, get out on that floor and sell the ass out of those carpets.”
I opened the door and looked out at the showroom. There were five or six customers– two of them seemed to be arguing over something while a woman stood by helplessly. One of the other salesmen went over and broke it up. I couldn’t figure on any of it.
I lasted a day.
Samways and Fick, Consultants: FUN
Business can’t always be about business. A good work-life balance is essential. Samways and Fick, Consultants understands that and it’s why we offer a series of retreat and party options to help bring your organization closer together. Whether it be traditional weekend “bonding sessions”, low-ropes courses, or transvestism, Samways and Fick can help get your company back on track.
RETREATS
Dr. Samways with the cat.
Retreats are fully-integrated fun sessions organized and administered by Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick. Employees enter a large hotel ballroom and find their seating assignments. They will notice right away that the tables are littered with novelty horns, oversized swirly lollipops, and mysterious “prize bags”, thereby alerting your staff that a day of frivolity is ahead. Next, Dr. Samways will appear from behind a curtain wearing a blue wig and holding a large cat. She (and the cat) will entertain, educate and bring your staff closer together utilizing successful time-proven patented techniques.
A small meat lunch will then be served.
Dr. Fick (and the cat) take over in the afternoon. The afternoon session is more rigorous, with staff members invited to air grievances and question authority. As the hours pass, Dr. Fick will then utilize several other successful time-proven patented techniques to bring your staff around to the wrongness of their grievances and the notion that authority is always correct. Your staff will be bound together in these new, proper rules of conduct.
No dinner is served.
PARTIES
Dr. Fick.
If your organization does not wish to make the time commitment to a retreat, then a party may be a better option. At Samways and Fick, we have several collapsible card tables, plastic punch bowls, and tent poles. A low-ropes course will be offered in the comfort and safety of your conference room. Test your staff’s meddle by asking them to balance the tent poles on their index fingers. A great lesson that they can carry on into the future as they approach death.
Our parties are designed to allow your organization to overcome interdepartmental communication breakdowns, hallway fistfighting and trust issues, develop better time management, strengthen teamwork, and more. Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick (and the cat) will create experiences that require these skills to be tested, so that your team will achieve its luscious goals. The parties build self-confidence, trust, vision and the commitment to meet the challenges of working in adverse conditions.
Find out more today by calling Samways and Fick, Consultants.
Helping you reach the area near the top of your mountain.
News Endorses Goberman for Governor of Eastern Pines Area
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
The Lankville Daily News has endorsed candidate M. Goberman for Governor of the Eastern Pines Area, it was announced today.
“Goberman represents leadership for the future [of the Eastern Pines Area]. He’s not afraid to speak his mind. We are pleased to give him our support,” noted News Editor-in-Chief Marles Cundiff.
Goberman, who has served two terms as a district representative for the Eastern Pines Area, is running against embattled incumbent Bradley Komminsk.
“[Komminsk] is a complete shitbird,” Goberman stated this morning at a rally outside a mall. “He’s plunged my beloved Eastern Pines Area into a god damn candied-ass turd carnival. That ends in 2016.”
The endorsement today is another feather in Goberman’s cap– the candidate already holds an 89%-7% lead in early polls with 4% of voters undecided or dead.
Goberman during a recent rally.
“I will bury him. There is no question,” Goberman averred.
Goberman has not shied away from controversy. He has stated that if he wins the governor’s seat, he will expel Komminsk from the area.
“He will not be permitted into the Eastern Pines. If he tries to enter, we will CRUSH him,” Goberman said in a recent interview.
Joygirls: Where to Find Them
By Pliny W. Howard
The opinions of Pliny W. Howard are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
I’m riding along Route 55 through the Southern Outer Areas. It’s that last stretch of road before you hit prairie. They’ve got all kinds of crazy shops along both sides of the road– some of them are in old houses that they’ve added a little storefront onto, some of them are in dilapidated, broken-down shit shacks.
It’s about dusk. And that’s when I spot some joygirls.
They were in front of a closed-up deli. About three of them.
I pulled into the nearest side street and grabbed my suitcase off the back bench seat. I slipped out of my work clothes and into a tan woolen sweater with some stripes on it– my great Aunt Gladys made it for me– and my best leather jacket. I combed my hair up in the mirror and than wiped down my beard. I felt good.
I double-backed to the deli and pulled right up in front.
“Ladies,” I said.
You ARE sharp, Howard I thought to myself. Here you go, just expecting an ordinary night back at the deserted farmhouse, falling asleep drunk in front of a Lingus Nets match per usual and now you’ve found yourself a trio of joygirls. Luck was on my side that night, boys.
“Ladies, what are you doing out there on the sidewalk?” I asked. “Why, you could be in here,” I added.
Yep, I was pulling the ol’ one-arm bandit that night, fellows. And it was coming up cherries.
So, the joygirls piled on into the Neptune. I cranked on 103.5 “The Hammer” and sped off into the night.
“Where to ladies?” I asked. I was playing it cool, playing it suave. I lit up a bit of the farmhouse stash.
“Let’s go downtown!” one of the joygirls called out. She was a tall brunette in a tight skirt, hell of a set of legs. Hell of a set of a lot of things, now that you mention it.
“Naw, let’s go to the folk dinner for rubes that they’re having over at the Montecristo. Should be a blast!” another one said. A blonde in leather. Banging it out back.
The third didn’t say nothing.
“What about you darling?” I asked, tossing the blunt out the speeding Neptune. “Downtown or the folk dinner for rubes? Break the tie, baby.”
The other two started making their cases with her. Typical joygirls. I laughed.
“What if I want a third thing? A different thing?” she finally said.
I brought the car to a squealing stop in front of a knives and puzzles shop.
“Let’s figure it out, ladies!” I said. I was starting to lose my cool a little, starting to get irritated. It was that farmhouse stash, man. It was making me a little cracked.
Well, the joygirls weren’t happy about that none. They started cussing me out and then they got out of the car and disappeared into some pizza joint. And, well, that was that. Things went from feeling good to feeling bad just like that.
But the point is– joygirls. Man, you can find them anywhere.
Just look around, man.
Gladys Martinez, Author of “Gentle Keith” Dead at 85
By Bernie Keebler
Gladys Martinez, author of the popular young adult novel “Gentle Keith” has died. She was 85.
Martinez was eaten by a pelican.
“Gentle Keith”, which was published in 1968, has long been a beloved Lankville novel. It has sold over 600,000,000 copies.
Gladys Martinez is dead.
“It’s an affectionate coming-of-age story about a dog in the medieval times,” said Martinez’ agent Doyle Alexander. “The dog must choose between the comfort of the kingdom or the freedom of the hills. Well, I won’t spoil it but, let’s just say, the dog makes the right decision.”
Alexander chortled loudly and a soda was flipped off his desk in the process causing confusion.
Martinez was born in 1930 in the Snowy Lake Regions. She was briefly a reporter for the Lankville Daily News and also wrote for several popular periodicals.
“She claimed that she had a long dream about Gentle Keith,” said Martinez’ son Dennis by phone. “And she woke up from the dream and she began writing. And the rest is history.”
Martinez was also the author of 14 other juvenile novels including Last Chance for Hippo, The Reckoning, and Pretty Gold Parties in the Lost Cities.
She is survived by 4 children, 48 grandchildren, and 298 great-grandchildren.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK