The Lankville Daily News

By Linwood Probert

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS YES!

In news unfolding early this morning, Lankville police have announced that a daring overnight museum heist has netted thieves the nation’s most valuable painting. Law enforcement officials are currently viewing surveillance footage from the Lankville Museum of Art but have no leads.

The painting, “In the Shadow of the Crucifixion” by modernist master Linda Ten Boom (1919-1962), depicts a kitten and a basketball.  It has been viewed by countless Lankvillians and is valued at over $100 million.

Detail from Ten Boom’s “In the Shadow of the Crucifixion”.

“It’s a dark day for art lovers,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene.  “We believe that this heinous crime was carried out by some daring thieves as security is present everywhere in and around the museum,” added Gee-Temple, who asked that anyone with any information should contact him today between 12:30-2PM.

Art critic and historian BoVon Hayes, interviewed this morning while eating some bagels in a parking lot, was stunned by the theft.

“Ten Boom was a Lankville master and Crucifixion is her dies irae.  A visual expression of her deep feelings about Lankville society in that time period.  It is instantly recognizable.”

Police stated that no witnesses have stepped forward.

“We are hoping for something on the tapes,” added Gee-Temple, who seemed visibly shaken. “Unfortunately, many of the cameras were not positioned properly– were turned towards bathrooms or pointless alcoves or corners, away from any action that might have occurred on the floor.  We’ll hope for some fingerprint, some fiber, something.”

An update is expected later this afternoon.

By Lloyd Byas-Kirk, Political Analyst

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!

Legislation designed to provide psychiatric treatment for perverts, who have been increasingly active in Lankville recently, has been prepared by the National Metropolitan Crime Thwarting League and will be presented to President Pondicherry upon his return from vacation.

Detective Gee-Temple, who is spearheading the measure, announced yesterday that the bill will be presented next month.

“We’ve seen a huge spike in perverts,” noted the intrepid lawman. “Our bill covers anything from window peeping to sex with fat people and we hope it will go a long way in putting these perverts back on the right road.”

W.W. Epperson is just one of 82,572 Lankvillians arrested as perverts this year.

Gee-Temple admitted that previous efforts to rehabilitate perverts have failed. “We have found that a lot of our methods don’t address the psychopathology of the illness,” stated the dauntless sleuth. “Jail terms have been proven not to work, hard labor, ditch-digging, drop-offs, beheadings– all these methods do not get to the root of the problem.”

The bill defines a pervert as “[someone] who is emotionally unstable, whose decisions [are] witless and doltish in regards to sexuality.” It provides that the pervert be placed in a separate ward of one of Lankville’s state institutions– either the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness or the Plush View Hills Hospital– and be provided necessary medical treatment.

Gee-Temple noted that in just the last few days alone, his department has been plagued by the problem of male perverts annoying theatre patrons and grocery store shoppers. “There’s been a real problem with perverts in the produce department. The fruits,” noted the unflinching shamus, who shook his head sadly at the state of affairs. “In particular, a problem with perverts holding up grapes. Round fruits. Things like that. And then speaking to customers in a lewd way. This is the sort of thing that needs to stop right now.”

Caused by Mental Defect

Dr. Lors Thon of Plush View Hills believes the pervert is suffering from a mental defect. “It requires prolonged treatment if anything at all is to be accomplished,” said the psychiatrist, who had an impressive collection of heavy tomes on his desk. “It’s a mental defect and these patients need to be segregated from other mental retardatives in order to prevent a general pollution of the hospital populace.”

A bell suddenly began ringing and Dr. Thon suddenly ran out of his office. The sounds of a riot could be heard distantly.

Pervert Statistics

Gee-Temple shared the staggering statistics. “In 2014 alone, we have made 82,572 arrests for sex perversion as compared to just 321 last year,” said the plucky dick. “A real spike. Now, most of these cases have been treated as disorderly conduct cases because the pervert was not caught in the act but rather a witness, say, a department store employee, called us because someone was doing something with a thermos. But, in many of these cases, we have caught the pervert red-handed.”

“The numbers have really gone up,” the fearless flatfoot noted after several moments of strange silence.

By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

A special meeting of the Lankville Heights City Council will be held today at 1:30 p.m. to consider a local pizza restaurant’s request to close segments of three streets.

Pizza Star, owned by longtime resident Randy Simmons (white), has also requested permission to dump pizzas into the city sewer system.

Pizza Star: In Limbo

“We have about 200, maybe 300 pizzas that are just sitting around, not doing anybody any good,” noted Simmons. “So, we just want to close the roads for a little while and shove them down into the sewers. It’s just a small thing really that’s turned into a big, bureaucratic mess.”

Simmons’ request had initially been upheld by the Council’s Traffic and Safety Commission but was then overturned by the City Council. Simmons immediately appealed.

“I mean, I’ve been shoving pizzas into the sewer system for years,” noted the embattled restaurateur, who has operated Pizza Star since 1981. “I don’t see what the problem is. I’ve shoved everything in there– flat sodas, old chairs, worn-out delivery bags. It’s my right as a taxpayer.”

Councilman Murray Bannerman noted that today’s meeting is just normal procedure.

“We’ve had some situations in the past where residents were unable to use the water in their homes or in their outside hose arrangements,” noted Bannerman, who was interviewed while examining condiment options at a local fast food establishment. “In many of these cases, it has been pizzas that have been blocking access to the water. We’re not saying that [Mr. Simmons] won’t be able to dump the pizzas, we just need to make sure that the last dumping of pizzas has been cleared.”

Simmons stated that his faith in local government has been shaken.

“I’ve seen people break open the tops of sewers and push old cars right down in there,” he noted. “You can’t tell me that 400 to 500, maybe 700 pizzas are gonna’ make any difference.”

Kimball J. Cranney

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS YES! LOCAL

Some Lankville girls gathered in front of a tree today and announced their intention to visit the pyramids. The visit will take place in late August.

“The Lankville pyramids are renowned for their great mystical beauty,” said South County High School junior Pat Tabler, who is spearheading the trip. “We have spent a lot of time as a collective, meditating beneath an open metal-poled tetrahedron and now we want to take it to the next level and see what the pyramids have to offer,” Tabler added.

South County High School executives, however, are not thrilled by the idea.

PYRAMID GIRLS- Crouching: Belle Zuvella, Claudette Washington. Standing: Pat Tabler, Michelle Easler, Gail Iorg, Pat Borders

“Access to the pyramids is via a long desert road and there are only a couple of motels along the way,” said South County principal Flinders Yett, who was interviewed in his office. “Plus, they claim that they’d like to have a big slide show come the first of the school year and right now, frankly, this institution does not have any slide projectors. They got danced on accidentally. It was dark and it was completely by accident. What I’m suggesting though is that these girls–they’re going to make us look like a bunch of rummies.”

Yett knocked over a box of pencils in disgust.

“I’m excited,” said junior Claudette Washington, who was sporting a lovely thin summer sweater and tight denim pull-on’s.  “My boyfriend was recently killed in a challenge and some of my other boyfriends have been killed in challenges too and then there’s just some guys that I’ve been having a good time with.  Just hanging out in fields around a fire and having a good time. Little bit of roller skating, some hanging out under highway overpasses, little bit of just talking about pyramids, you know, man?”

“Right now, we’re going around to local businesses trying to drum up sponsors,” added Tabler, who intervened. “We believe the trip can have tremendous benefit for South County, for all of Lankville, really.”

Interested local concerns are encouraged to contact Miss Tabler at South County 5-2331. Businesses that have already contributed include Buntz Mallows, Hadbawnik Brush Piles, Chambers Company Hand Drills and several “Flying D’s” Service Stations.

By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!

Merchants across Lankville are in agreement that a shoplifting epidemic is gripping the nation.

“Everyone in the strip mall is getting hit hard,” noted Dot Peg, owner of the Eastern Lankville Craft Barn. “Our inventory for last month is unable to account for 698 items, 12 fixtures and an entire shelving unit. We can only put the blame on shoplifters at this point.”

Surprisingly, police records in the capital and surrounding towns show only one arrest on the books for the month of June, despite general agreement among merchants that losses were heaviest during that period.

“It’s not on our radar,” noted Detective Gee-Temple from his spacious offices at the Lankville City Courthouse. “We haven’t had any calls or, at least, we haven’t answered any. But it’s something we might be able to look into.”

Dot Peg, owner of The Craft Barn.

A group of merchants have taken the complaint straight to President Pondicherry, who promised a probe just before leaving for his summer vacation.

In a short speech from a battered lectern on someone’s lawn, Pondicherry stated, “we will probe this. If the initial probe fails to reveal anything, the probe will be extended.”

Still, detectives feel that there are very few professional thieves in Lankville.

“It’s tempting, I’m sure,” noted Gee-Temple, who reached to close some blinds which, unfortunately, fell to the floor in a clatter of twisted ersatz wood. “It looks like it would be easy and it actually is easy,” added Gee-Temple, after he pushed the collapsed blinds beneath a nearby bookshelf. “It’s very easy to steal from most stores,” Gee-Temple reiterated.

In the meantime, many merchants plan to add special techniques to catch shoplifters and initiate special training among their employees to stop the rogues.

“It’s shoot to kill at The Craft Barn now,” noted Peg. “The nonsense ends today.”