Archive
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: I Will Box You
By Ric Royer
One day, I walked into a gym in a lower-class Island neighborhood. I walked right up to the ring and smashed a bottle of orange soda into the canvas. The boxers looked up.
“I will box you,” I said. The orange soda seeped towards their shoes.
“Get in here, you fuckin’ frog,” said the boxer. His manager, clad in protective gear, backed away.
I was wearing a bathrobe, some camoflauge short pants and a pair of penny loafers into which I had shoved quarters for effect.
“Hey, better get the frog some trunks, maybe some shoes,” called the manager, now outside the ring, relieving himself of his protective burden.
They brought me some proper gear and a small group of Islanders gathered around the ring. The manager rang the bell. Within three seconds I was hit by an uppercut and collapsed into the ropes. I recall a short burst of cheering and then nothing.
Hours later, I was in an outdoor chaise-lounge by a pond. I had a terrific headache.
“That’s what you get for egging on that Island boxer,” said a little man, who sat off among the reeds. He was clad in ancient, unfashionable clothes and wore small grandma glasses. Clouds approached from the east.
“After the fight, well, I don’t know if I can call it that– after your destruction, the Islanders strapped you to a chair and marched you around the pizza block. That’s where they have all those pizza restaurants. They took you in and out of some of the restaurants. They bought a pizza and shoved a lot of it in your hair. I tried my best to get the sauce out but you really should have a shower.”
The little man handed me a glass of iced tea. I took a sip. It was awful.
“Yes, that is awful iced tea,” he agreed. “It’s pond iced tea. This pond is all iced tea.”
“I’ve never…”
“No, it’s completely unique in the world. You would not have.”
We watched the sun go down together.
Royer Knighted in Solemn Wet Hill Ceremony
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Sir Ric
Eccentric Lankville businessman Ric Royer was knighted today in a solemn ceremony that took place on a wet hill.
After a mysterious breakfast of pancakes that suddenly morphed into waffles, Royer was made to lean on a green hassock before President Pondicherry. The President touched each of Royer’s shoulders with a sword and then presented the executive with a series of medals, a framed poster of a turtle emerging from a mossy rock and a small crown.
“Sir Ric represents all that is exceptional about Lankville,” declared the President. “His is an intellectual life marked with scholasticism but also a warrior’s life marked with heroism, bravery, gallantry and only killing people when he really has to.”
“It’s an interesting feeling,” Royer remarked after the ceremony. “I had never before thought of being knighted but now that I am knighted, I can’t imagine not being a knight. People should really celebrate this occasion. It’s a tremendous victory for knights everywhere.”
As part of his knighthood, Royer will have access to many Lankville malls after hours.
“I have experienced the mall after hours before but this will give me wider access to a lot more malls,” Royer noted, with obvious pleasure.
Royer is the first Lankvillian knighted since 2011.
Amusement Park Opens, Consumes Many, Disappears
By Bernie Keebler
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Blanketed under a cold grey sky, Sensational Mons Island officially opened its gates yesterday, but the much- anticipated theme park lasted only three hours before it sucked itself into the earth, carrying with it hundreds of families. According to its website, the funfair is “closed until further notice”.
Reports from those left behind state that visitors of the park were made to stand in a single file line to enter and were then picked up in groups of five by a circulating safari truck covered in claw marks and chunks. Not much could be seen from behind the towering gates other than an oblong spin ride made of stone and a bear, who strutted confidently around the perimeter wearing a feathered party mask.
About two hours after opening, onlookers behind the gate watched in horror as the entire amusement folded in on itself, swallowing the ride, the bear, the attendees and a random hubcap, leaving behind a plume of mist and a haunting scorched desert landscape.
Chilling photograph taken moments before Sensational Mons Island was sucked into the earth.
Goateed witness Jeremiah Hannah-Luff described the scene as “wacky”, further noting, “it looked like the mouth of the earth was smoking a “J”, inhaled some people, exhaled some smoke. And man when that smoke cleared there was nothing there, man.” Hannah-Luff was later held down by our news team and branded with the Mark of the Fool.
Other witnesses were more distraught. “It’s a shame that it gobbled up our people,” noted bystander Leland Indiana. “I hope we get them back, but gotta say, I was also really looking forward to the chocolate fountain that was highlighted in the park brochure. Never seen a real chocolate fountain before. Just that bogus one they tout at the Lankville Economy Standard Mall. Everyone knows that one is just an illusion created by mirrors and lighting. Brown lighting.”
Detective Gee Temple was called to the scene, looked left, right, then shrugged and drove off.
An email sent to Sensation Mons Island regarding the likelihood of the return of the hundreds of people taken under by and then sealed into the barren earth and a request for the status of the chocolate fountain had not been answered by press time.
Royer Plays Hero in Two Separate Incidents
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Notable Lankville business magnate Ric Royer knows the meaning of the words “good citizen”. He put them into action twice yesterday.
In an early morning incident at an Eastern Lankville Burger Rex restaurant, the enigmatic executive repelled several youths who were taunting an elderly woman.
“Although there are many Burger Rex restaurants, I enjoy patronizing the one with the paintings of heaven on the walls,” noted Royer. “I find the contemplation of little angels soothing while I drink my chunky coffee.”
Royer then explained the details of the incident.
“Some youths walked in and began picking on an old lady. At first, it was fairly ordinary, harmless stuff like calling attention to her advanced age, writing on her shirt, gentle poking. But it quickly became nasty and I knew that swift action would be necessary.”
Ric Royer: Star and Good Citizen.
Royer noted that he carries a large chain with him for such just purposes.
“I got the chain out and started swinging it around and stomping my foot. The leader of the gang shouted “LET’S GO. LET’S HIT THE ROAD” and they ran out and we noticed then that the chain had pierced the new soda machine, the one where a man comes on the screen and asks what kind of soda you want and so there was some clean-up involved and then I gave the old lady $40.”
Four hours later, Royer played the hero again.
“I was at the elastic furniture store and a pregnant woman was eating some small round burgers and she suddenly began choking. Everyone else had disappeared, so I launched into action.”
Royer says that he utilized diverse wrestling moves to expel the small round burger.
“I was not familiar with any traditional safety maneuvers,” he explained. “I was born in Lankville Falls, after all. The woman was so grateful that she will be legally changing her name to “Ric”.
All around Lankville, Royer is already being lauded for his efforts.
“I was back at the Burger Rex later that night, feasting on a Rodeo Burger and I saw a blimp appear out the window. My name was written on the side in lights,” the enigmatic mogul noted.
President Pondicherry has already announced plans for the presentation of a medallion.
“Ric is a great inspiration to us all. He is the ideal Lankvillian and not the kind of person we usually have is who is just fat and sits around,” the President noted.
Plans for further ceremonies will be outlined today.
An Interview with Ric Royer
By Brock Belvedere
BROCK PROBES
Brock Belvedere recently had a chance to sit down with enigmatic Lankville businessman Ric Royer.
Royer displays his “poster face”.
BB: I’ve been hanging out in the woods a lot and I’ve seen your posters. What do they mean?
RR: I’m trying to encourage people, Brock. Encourage them to be a star like me.
BB: Why are the posters in the woods?
RR: Exactly, Brock. Exactly.
BB: How does one become a star?
RR: You must do everything with star power. For example, last night I cooked some animal-shaped chicken nuggets. Many people cook animal-shaped chicken nuggets. However, I arranged mine on the baking tray in tall columns. That is star power.
BB: If everyone became a star, wouldn’t it be less special?
RR: Oh, Brock. Sometimes, if you look closely at an object, it will appear to be behind you. No one besides me will become a star. Just keep in mind- the poster.
BB: You look really strange on the poster. Why?
RR: It’s my normal “poster face”. Nothing unusual.
BB: Looks unusual to me.
RR: Mind yourself Brock. It’d be very easy to lure you to a barn where you would be slaughtered. Know that.
An awkwardness ensued and the interview collapsed of its own accord.
Leaked Drawings of Theme Park Expose a Subterranean Dream Hell
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
After local residents voiced suspicion over the fact that no visible signs of construction have taken place on the infertile heath where the privately-owned and operated theme park, Sensational Mons Island, was planned for completion in March, city officials pressed for the status of the development of the project.
In response, a theme park representative recently mailed a pencil drawing to President Pondicherry’s office outlining the layout for the theme park. The blueprints that were sent just had an arrow pointing to a circle indicating where the line of people are to enter the park.
Blueprint of theme park mailed to President Pondicherry’s office. Note the “line of people” and the circle representing the entirety of the theme park.
Unsatisfied with these drawings, the internet vigilante, known only as Internonymous (aka Lankville Daily News correspondent Zack Keebaugh), released sketches he reportedly discovered by doing an internet search for “real Sensational Mons Island Blueprints” (boolean). The sketches reveal an otherwordly hell fantasia that could not be reproduced within this article because its arcane architectural proportions requires two monitors and a prism to view in its entirety. According to the drawings, the theme park consists of just one ride (hellish), a pit, and a bear.
Internonymous later commented that the drawings “bore a dang hole in my brain and filled it with voodoo. This shit is the end of science, man. I kinda wish I never found those freaky blueprints, and so does my mom ’cause I’ve been keeping her up all night pacing back and forth, you know? I live upstairs from her and- ” (we hung up at that point).
At press time, officials at Sensational Mons Island had not responded to the fliers that we put up in the woods asking for more information.
Hadbawnik, Royer, Samways, Schropp All Honored at Luncheon
By Gina Bradley-Komminsk
David Hadbawnik
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES! Lankville Daily News columnists David Hadbawnik, Ric Royer, Sarah Samways and Brian Schropp were all honored yesterday at a downtown luncheon held in an office park that was later completely destroyed by a mysterious fire. Hadbawnik, Royer and Samways received huge, unwieldy trophies and Schropp was awarded the “Lankville Golden Dish” for his cuisine reviews.
The ceremony was hosted by notable celebrity Randy Pendleton.
“It was a great honor,” noted Hadbawnik, who was struggling to hold up the elephantine trophy as photographers snapped away. “I feel I’ve done some important work this year on gourd-awareness and mud pits and I’m lusciously delighted beyond measure that people have noticed.”
Sarah Samways
Hadbawnik later had to be hospitalized after suffering a slight groin pull in his effort to hoist the trophy one final time for photographers.
Samways, who arrived wearing a foreign headdress, a sweatshirt and bicycle pants was similarly pleased. “People come up to me on the street now and ask for autographs. I’m lusciously delighted beyond measure and I’m preparing an extremely long memoir about my experiences,” the journalist added as she struggled beneath the massive trophy.
Samways later was hospitalized due to a back strain.
Schropp and Royer both arrived late.
Brian Schropp
“My Dad wouldn’t give me a ride,” Schropp noted after receiving his “Golden Dish” which was as small as the trophy was large. “But I’m lusciously proud beyond measure of this little tiny decoration.”
Ric Royer
Schropp later had to be hospitalized after suffering from a panic attack.
Royer was the last to speak. “I am not fully aware of the symbolic meaning of this trophy,” the executive and journalist noted. “I suppose it will be useful in trading for food at a later apocalyptic date in our shared history.” Royer handed the trophy to his handlers and headed straight for a table covered with bottled sodas.
A short speech by editor-in-chief Marles Cundiff followed.
If You’re Not Eating a Beezler’s, You Are Not Eating a Smore.
These guidos know what a smore is. They know Beezler’s.
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We are located off Route 7 near the big golfing dome thing, come on by! The smell alone will put you and your family in a raptured, catatonic state. Choose from over 100 varieties of smores, including Pina Colata, The Nutty Brown Bear, and our newest creation: The Salty Fisherman. Ahoy matey!
So the next time someone hands you a graham cracker with chocolate and marshmallows on it, slap it right out of their goddamn hands because you deserve better. You deserve a Beezler’s.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Haunted Bridge Abutment
By Ric Royer
I saw the catalogue sticking out of his bag before he saw me.
“Hey! Asshole! Bring me that catalogue!”
He looked up. He was trying to do the house next door first.
“You do that house first and I’ll shoot you dead, God as my witness”. I was bluffing but he didn’t know that. He walked over slowly.
“I’m a federal employee,” he said, handing me the catalogue along with a batch of other letters that I immediately dropped into some hedges. “I’ll have you arrested.”
“I’ll burn your truck to the ground,” I countered. “Then what will you do?”
He said something but I missed it. I was staring too hard at the catalogue.
Back inside, I immediately opened the catalogue and the laptop and began ordering items in a blind, indiscriminate fashion. About 100 trains, all different gauges, some structures, a huge ferris wheel, some track nails, tons of figures– “Man with pants”, “Cougars and Cubs”, “Hot Dog Wagon”, “Toilet Scene”, they had everything.
In the comments section, below my order, I wrote: FUCK YOU PEOPLE! as I always did.
Three days later, the order arrived in six separate tremendous boxes. The postman shot me a disgruntled look. I kicked him hard in the ass as he walked away. “I’m a federal employee,” he said again.
“I’VE GOT TRAINS!” I screamed. I began crying and removed my shirt. “DISAPPEAR! FOREVER!”
Just as he was climbing into his truck, I crept up behind him and whispered, “You’re inhuman“. He didn’t care for that at all. Then, I dragged the boxes into the basement and began tearing them apart in a slipshod, desultory manner.
I came to the box labeled SCENERY. I screamed for no reason at all as I tossed aside utility poles, bendable armatures, potted flowers and fuel tanks that I could not possibly hope to find a use for. And then I came to the bridge abutment.
It was packaged in ordinary factory shrink wrap. I fingered it delicately. And, in return, I received an awareness of some grim, unmentionable horror. I knew right away that the bridge abutment was haunted.
And I have never truly recovered.
This Week in Lankville
By Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
AMUSEMENT PARK UNVEILS FEATURE RIDE
In an unmarked video sent to The Lankville Daily News, a spokesperson for the highly-anticipated new amusement park “Sensational Mons Island”, revealed details of the centerpiece ride of the theme park.
Still from the strange video. showing the narrator having his mouth probed.
The grainy “Quad-Type 7 Tape” video, which was left on the steps with the handwritten label “for news” shows a pasty gentleman at a desk delivering the following statement: “It is my duty to alert the people of Lankville that the greatest amusement ride ever will soon be available for your mounting. I cannot describe it. I mean, literally, it cannot be described in words. The ride, which will emerge from the quaking earth every night, does not subsribe to formal logic. It comes from a realm of previously unvisited imagination where formal concepts of structure and engineering are nothing more than mist and spray. Just know that you will be taken by the ride if you are willing, then you will climb seventy steps along a balustraded parapet until you reach an upside down platform that is seemingly suspended by light. A gust of nature foreign to you will then will take over and you will scream and scream and scream… with wonder! And the ride, she shall be called, The Dizzy Wizzy.”
A single bead of sweat is then seen to roll down the forehead of the spokesperson as he stares intently off to the side. A close-up is then shown of the same man with a latex-covered finger probing his mouth. The video promptly ends, and is followed by the remainder of a program about the proper etiquette for eating crabs in mixed company, which had been taped over.
HORSE QUICK (1955-2014)
Horse Quick is now dead.
Gift-giving expert and Lankville Daily News correspondent Horse Quick has died. The columnist was 59.
“Mr. Quick was killed in a challenge,” noted Detective Gee-Temple. “[The challenge] is a great scourge of our times. It demeans us as a people.”
Gee-Temple yawned expansively and began staring at a set of encyclopedias which were suddenly dropped into his office by a heavily-cloaked figure.
“I better look into those encyclopedias,” the intrepid detective quietly noted, as he ushered us out of his office.
This Week in Lankville
Kimball J. Cranney
UNMANNED SPACECRAFT LAUNCHED
A tiny, unmanned spacecraft has been launched vaguely in the direction of the last known whereabouts of lost Lankville business magnate and so-called “astronaut” Nick Del Rio.
The L.S.S. Shuttle for Cock took off from Cape Lankville sometime late last night.
“The shuttle is extremely small,” noted NASPA press secretary Gherry Ivy. “It’s windowless and about the size of a coffin and is equipped with no supplies. We don’t really expect that it will make it to wherever the hell that insufferable asshole ended up.”
“He’s probably dead,” said Ivy, an ebullient smile suddenly appearing across his otherwise solemn face. “Probably got burned up by a comet or crushed between two large asteroids, like a pair of giant space tits rumbling together to create cosmic chaos.”
Ivy was removed from the podium by NASPA executives shortly thereafter.
“INNER HAMMER” MURDERS ANOTHER PIZZA DELIVERY MAN
Frozen small pizza magnate Inner Hammer has murdered another pizza delivery man, sources are now reporting. The executive has now killed two such persons in the past week.
Gee-Temple: “I took some of the wings out of the bassinet.”
“I must have some demons I’m not aware of,” said Inner Hammer, who laughed and joked about the incident and tossed around a spongy basketball as the mutilated carcass was removed from his Lankville Heights mansion. “Ah, it’s all in good fun.”
The victim was reported as Talbot Berries, 19, of Outer Lankville Ridge.
“I think that, from a psychological standpoint, it’s all about anxiety,” said the executive, who ordered two pizzas, a bassinet of wings and a large ceramic jug of soda from Suddenly Mama Pizza!, a popular carry-out. “I experience real anxiety because I want the foodstuffs so badly and it comes out as violence. It’s a shame,” added Inner Hammer, who then suddenly dunked the spongy basketball and pranced around, exhibiting extreme bravado.
Mr. Berries, who had been with Suddenly Mama Pizza! for two weeks, was knifed in the neck twelve times.”Everything went well,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who spent ten minutes at the scene. “I took some of the wings out of the bassinet.”
ROYER TO ADOPT “MAGICAL NAME”
Ric Royer: “I am now a master magician…”
Lankville business magnate Ric Royer announced today that he has adopted the “magical name” Frater Perdurabo and that he has been advancing quickly through the ranks of what he called “The Golden Dawn”.
“It was something I was keeping a secret for awhile but I’d like to come clean to Lankville that I have been creating a splinter group of the Golden Dawn that will focus on the impending magical shit holocaust that will occur by 2020. I am now
a master magician and before long will be a full-fledged Prophet of a New Aeon”.
Royer explained that his new magical name means literally “I Will Endure” and that he began his studies under the auspices of the Yoga Premananda, whom he met in 2004 while buying a rubber raincoat. “When he came up to me the raincoat burst spontaneously into flames”, Royer added.
(The interview had to be ended when the uneven legs of Royer’s table caused an extra-large soda to spill in his lap. No one helped Royer and there was an interminable period of deep confusion and darkness).
Royer: “I Am the Future of Christmas”
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
Lloyd Byas-Kirk had a chance to sit down with notable Lankville business magnate Ric Royer at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness last night.
Royer: “I Am the Future of Christmas”.
LK: First off, I’d like to describe the scene here for our readers.
RR: Everything is coming off well. Everyone is very pleased. I am the future of Christmas.
LK: To begin, it seems as if there are more illuminated porcelain snow villages then before.
RR: Yes. I’ve added the Village Tea Shoppe and the Candy Cauldron as well as some further accessories. Also, take note of the Alpine Village series. These are displayed at higher elevations, especially constructed by master craftsmen. The “Snowdrop Cottage” stands out clearly.
LK: OK. Now, the room is also stuffed to the gills with balloons.
RR: To celebrate the holiday season, yes. Nothing unusual there.
LK: The ceiling and none of the walls are visible.
RR: I can assure you of a construct. Succumb to the mystery.
LK: Anything else?
RR: This is a colorful theatre erupting with buoyancy. I am the future of Christmas. Mind the balloons.
LK: I just noticed that one of the bulbs in the Snowdrop Cottage is burned out.
Royer began screaming in a terrified manner and the interview was ended prematurely.
An Interview with Royer’s Van Mechanic
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
The Lankville Daily News is pleased to present an exclusive interview with business magnate Ric Royer’s van mechanic, Frank Williamsons.
Frank Williamsons: “I don’t know how they’re still driving the damn thing”.
DO: Tell us about the condition of the van.
FW: It’s not good. The first time I checked the viscosity of the…
DO(interrupting): That’s boring. Move forward please.
FW: Anyways, I get instructions once every couple of days by phone. Mr. Royer’s voice is always distant– I think he takes great pains to stand really far away from the receiver.
DO: What were some of your recent instructions?
FW: Remove all the oil. Don’t put any new oil in. Then, a few days later, he wanted all the anti-freeze removed. Then, he wanted the tires partially deflated. I don’t know how the hell they’re still driving the damn thing.
DO: What else?
FW: He asked to have the speedometer removed and replaced with a picture of a cat.
DO: What about the lights?
FW: Oh, he had a bunch of extra colored lights put in all over the place. Senseless really. They don’t do nothing. I just don’t see how they’re still driving the damn thing.
Oakes could think of no further questions and a light breeze picked up and pleasantly kissed the faces of all involved.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Christmas Snow Village Chalet
By Ric Royer
I parked my car up on the grass and ran into town, shoving people out of the way. The store had a series of pinwheel displays out front (one ejaculated great bubbles into the air) and I knocked these into the street. I tore the door open with such force that the plate glass window shattered.
The clerk, a smallish thick-haired woman in a medieval-looking dress, came out from behind the counter.
“Oh my God! Look at that!” she exclaimed.
“Fuck it,” I said. “I got your missive. Where is the new Snow Village Fiber Optic Chalet?”
She seemed stunned. I could barely take it.
“SHOW ME RIGHT NOW YOU LOUSY LITTLE WHORE!”
She led me to an alcove cramped with snow village boxes. There was an illuminated display behind a great glass case.
“WHERE IS IT! HURRY!” I let out a baleful scream. She finally got to work.
It required quite an intolerable amount of maneuvering– boxes had to be lifted from beneath a table and moved aside (several, I crushed with my boot instantly). “It’s here…somewhere,” she said, hardly able to contain her tears. “THERE IS NO TIME!” I shouted, as she bent over her work. “I just…I don’t see it here.” She was crying now, blubbering even.
It was then that I came up with the idea of lighting the large pile of looked-over boxes on fire. “I HAVE NO TIME FOR THESE. NO TIME!” I could feel a strange whooshing in my head. Mania was creeping in.
And then she found it. “Oh, oh, it was buried so…so deep,” she said. And she emerged from beneath the display case with the Snow Village Fiber Optic Chalet, shimmering in its plastic wrapping. “OH, GOD! OH JESUS,” I yelled, feeling an almost sexual release. And then I screamed again as the terrible interior conflagration erupted behind me. And then she collapsed in my arms.
We remained that way until the building burned completely to the ground.
Royer Purchases Van
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Incarcerated Lankville business magnate Ric Royer has purchased a van, sources are now reporting.
“It’s from 1999,” stated the executive, who was interviewed in the game room of the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness. “It has seats. Some of the seats fold downward so that one might imagine a bed. There is a TV set. It’s glorious.”
Royer then paused to thrust forward a Lingus Net sack. He was repelled by a fellow inmate.
“He is a skilled opponent. The best I’ve faced thus far,” noted the executive.
Royer then produced several photos of his new acquisition.
Royer’s new van that has everyone talking.
“You’ll note that the TV set plays films. The blue and white colors of the exterior are bold but rational. There are little spaces where you can put your legs. There is a plastic box where diverse items can be deposited. They thought of everything, really.”
Royer deflected questions about the van’s reliability.
“I specifically instructed my handlers not to open the hood. I don’t want to know anything at all about the hood. And I don’t want anyone else to know.”
The executive suddenly wandered off and the interview was ended prematurely.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
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A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK