Archive
Men’s Feelings Expert Thurston Injured in Ice Mishap
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
It’s been a difficult winter in Lankville and not even celebrities are safe. Lankville’s foremost expert in men’s feelings, Dr. Kevin Thurston, succumbed to gravity with an assist from ice last week shattering his wrist.
Dr. Kevin Thurston, expert in men’s feelings, shortly before he fell on his wrist.
Donations, flowers and large mylar balloons can be sent to Dr. Thurston, c/o Eastern Defoliated Area General Hospital, Rooms 457, 458 and the part of Room 459 that doesn’t have the old guy in it, Eastern Lankville, 215.
Royer to Appear Nude
By Dennis Updatables
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Enigmatic Lankville businessman Ric Royer will appear nude in a pictorial magazine appearing on newsstands today.
The magazine– CAUTION: MEN! are believed to have paid Royer $10 billion (Lankville) for the photographs.
“Everyone knows that Rock [sic] is a sex symbol in and around Lankville,” noted magazine editor Clint Knepper, who founded CAUTION: MEN! in 1987. “We have been in negotiations with Ric for quite some time. At first, we offered food and a tall ladder, then we went back and forth for awhile, and finally we landed on the amount [of $10 billion].”
Royer, who was interviewed while attending an ambiguous outdoor pageant, downplayed the pictorial.
One of the Royer nude photographs (money shot removed).
“It’s just me lying in a bed with some shorts on. Then, I take the shorts off. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to enjoy this pageant.”
Royer turned towards the stage and watched carefully as a series of actors shot dangerous fireworks into the crowd.
Some are decrying the photographs.
Ida Rumpus, occasional Lankville Daily News contributor and chairman of the Lankville Probity Board, called the images “pornography.”
“You could argue that the images themselves are not lewd (although they are) but they are made lewder by the captions that the magazine printed. Taken all together, they are most certainly filth.”
The captions in question read, “I have a strong tongue and I can take it to the hoop” and “Christmas Shorts”.
“[Ric] wrote those himself,” noted Knepper. “In fact, he insisted on them.”
Rumpus says she will protest the appearance of the magazine today.
“There’s no place [in Lankville] for this sort of garbage. CAUTION, MEN! needs to learn that pornography leads to pizza stripping and challenges. These are things we’d like to see gone from our landscape.”
REPORT: Hundreds Have Disappeared Into Local Snowbank
Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
It was just after dusk when Lankville Partial-Ice Regions resident Karl Chappas went out for a quick trip to the store. He never returned.
“He said he was going out for some cheese,” said Chappas’ wife Louise-Janet. “What kind of an asshole walks out at night for some cheese?”
In another section of the Partial-Ice Regions, barrel-maker Glenn Grapes left work early. “He wanted to get an early start on some barrels,” noted his son Glenn, Jr. “He was generally kind of a cocksucker that way.”
What happened to Chappas, Grapes and hundreds of other Lankvillians?
They are believed to have fallen victim to a local snowbank. A snowbank that takes everything and gives nothing in return. A snowbank that, despite the fact that it’s really cold and not at all like hell, IS HELL.
[The] snowbank that, despite the fact that it’s really cold and not at all like hell, IS HELL.
“I doubt we’ll be getting all these awful, stupid people out until Spring,” Gee-Temple added.
For now, the families will have to wait.
“I’d like some closure, sure,” noted Louise-Janet Chappas, who we interviewed while she crouched luridly on a pool table in a nearby bar. “Still, I’ve moved on. As I said before, Karl was always going out for cheese. Who the hell needs that in a partner?”
Does Chappas not feel sorry for the families of the other victims of this frigid tomb?
“There’s got to be a reason why somebody gets trapped in a fucking snowbank. Whether it’s pointless, idiotic cheese errands or getting a start on a barrel like that other asshole. I don’t even understand that- “getting an early start on a barrel”. I mean, what the Christ?”
“Pretty certain that’s going to be the m.o. on all these people,” Chappas added.
For now though, there are no answers. There are only questions. Questions that cannot penetrate the forbidding, bitter cold of the unspeakable snowbank.
Et tu snowbank?
Nothing.
Elliott Cumber-Lanny won a trophy for this report.
A Double Dose of Doomsday
By Brian Schropp
CUISINE BY BRIAN SCHROPP
This past Friday was of course the 13th- also known as “St. Doomsday’s Day”. A day many of us in Deep Northern Suburban Lankville take very seriously. With all the bad luck and disastrous history that happens on our soil we usually keep our heads down and just try to make it through in one piece. I foolishly thought I would get by unharmed this year, you see the day after is my birthday. That’s right- I was born on February 14th or what is known in Lankville as “Sweet Heart Day.” I have always found it fitting to be born on that day seeing how it goes with what my relatives say is my “sweet and tender” nature. So I was lucky enough to get the day off from my part-time job at the “Pizza-A-Round” and was planning on enjoying it to the fullest by trying a new brand of breakfast sandwich and then maybe reviewing the newly reopened “Subs ‘N’ Suds” later in the day. I just had to make it through the 13th and arrogantly thought I could. How wrong I was—
Picture of my manager Scott relaxing at home.
The 13th started with a 9AM shift at the “Pizza-A-Round”. I envisioned another day on dish washing detail (slowly but surely learning each job right) and at very worse a few hours of phone duty (I personally think I’m getting better, my accuracy rate was up to 20%). My manager Scott had other plans for me.
“Nope Bri, none of that usual stuff you crap around doing. Today you will be on the prep station and then PUTTING THE PIZZAS IN THE OVEN.”
Scott shook his head. “What superstitious nonsense. Anyway, two folks are out with the “Lankville Super Flu” so we have little choice. Chet, I’m putting you in charge of the prep line and him so don’t mess up. Remember what can happen.” Scott lifted up his shirt to show one of his handguns tucked in his waistband.
So I joined the “prep line boys”. I could tell by all their faces that they had zero faith in me. Chet tried to say something encouraging but couldn’t find the words. Soon, it was 10 and the first orders were coming in called by the usual fat teenagers. Luckily the first order was just a plain cheese pizza.
“You can do it Schropp,” Chet said with a nervous tone in his voice. So I set out to make the pizza of a lifetime. With sweat dripping from my forehead (sorry if anybody actually got this pizza) I took the dough and pressed it out to its “classic” pie shape, took the shinning ladle and swirled around the sauce, grabbed the cheese (again, sorry if someone received this- I forgot to wash my hands) and sprinkled it on. I then placed it in the oven (you have to time it just right!!). I turned my back, too nervous to watch it go through and waited the 4.5 minutes it took to cook. I was finally hoping to make a big impression, I had put all I had into making this.
I knew this wasn’t going to be the case when I heard Chet mutter “What the hell is that?” and Scott yell “Get up here!!”
The results.
I walked up to the front of the oven and he showed me my results–
”Not sure what this is!!” My manager’s eyes blazed into me “But you better start learning how to make at least a plain pizza fast. The lunch rush is about to start!!”
Chet pleaded with me to get my “A-Game” on because he didn’t want to be shot. I became overwhelmed quickly with the pre-pre-pre lunch rush due to all this pressure of having Chet’s life in my hands. So many pizzas to make and most of them with various forms of pepperoni and I was getting them wrong. But my biggest mistake came in placing them in the oven. They have to be in placed in the oven just right, too many at once and then it will become a “doomsday” situation with the pizzas not cooking right. And that is exactly what happened– the big red lights on top of the oven began to glow and whirl. The oven came to a grinding stop and started to smoke, a few men ran over with fire extinguishers to put it out. The day was totally ruined, just like that.
Scott became enraged like few had ever seen before. Chet didn’t stick around– he just ran out the back door. Scott went on and on (thankfully yelling too much to remember his gun) about how much of a screw-up I was. How he should have fired me on the first day but the owner said he had to keep me on. “I can’t believe how useless you are Schropp even for a—” Then he said it. The second “doomsday” of the day and the greater one. The one which will change my life forever.
There was total silence again, even the telephones stopped their constant ringing– it was almost as if all of Lankville heard. A few seconds later the pizza cutter from before was dropped making the same loud clanging noise.
Scott’s anger instantly went away. “Bri, hey listen man, I’m- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for you to find out this way. I wasn’t supposed to say anything-”
In complete and utter shock I ran out the front door and headed for home. I could hear Scott trying to call me back but it was just a faint buzz, I didn’t stop the whole twenty eight blocks it took me to get there. Cars had to swerve out of my way, women had to push their baby strollers off the sidewalks if I was passing. I really didn’t see any of them I just had to get home and confirm what was said. Maybe I heard it wrong, this couldn’t be real.
When I flung the front door open my folks were waiting for me. The “Pizza-A-Round” must of called.
“Is it true?” I asked, panting for breath.
“Please son let’s just sit down and talk,” my Dad replied, holding out his hand.
“Just tell me!!!”
“Yes, it’s true. Sit down we will discuss this.”
I collapsed at the kitchen table. My mom brought me a glass of chocolate milk.
“How can this be Dad?” I needed answers.
My folks and I discussing the shocking events.
My Dad told of our family history– not of the Schropp’s I knew but of the Schropp’s of the Greater Hills of Deep Northern Suburban Lankville. I thought we might have had hill folk in us but how could I ever have imagined what they did. “It was just a common thing, son. Especially back in the day, sure we who didn’t live in the hills thought it was wrong but there was little we could do.”
“So are you sure? Are you sure that I can somehow, in some little way have bumpkin in me?” I had to pause and put my head down, the chocolate milk wasn’t helping with the shock.
“I mean it’s the only logical way of explaining how you are,” my Mom chimed in. “In some freak way you have bumpkin DNA. In you.”
“Something else I need to know right now. Can I be…you know…if I really am found to be one.”
“You mean put down? No son you also have normal DNA or so we hope. Please don’t worry over that.”
We talked on for a little while longer. Honestly, most of it like the whole day itself is just a blur. My Dad said he found a place where I can be tested to see how much bumpkin DNA I might have. This should be happening very soon and I will of course let you, the readers, know of the results. Until then please keep me in your thoughts (and eat something good for me!!)
BRI
Five White Guys Declare: Open for Business!
By Bernie Keebler
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Embarking on a brand new business venture such as a restaurant, a “start-up,” or an animal disposal company can be daunting. Never more so than in this time of fragile economic recovery for the Greater Lankville area, when prosperity seems to beckon from every vacant lot or storefront, even as bankruptcy looms. Statistics show that most new businesses fail within a year, the erstwhile entrepreneurs becoming the object of ridicule or even challenges in their homes and in local pubs.
None of that has stopped a concern of five bold white men in Lankville.
“We’ve done the research,” said Sylvester Williams, one of the men. “We’ve crunched all the numbers with regards to what leads to success. Amidst all the hullabaloo about things like ‘capitalization ratio’ and ‘intangible assets’ and ‘long-term liabilities,’ one factor really stood out.”
“We’re white,” he said.
The White Men.
“Not only that,” added Mackenzie “Mack” Cornelius, the concern’s founder and treasurer. “We’re five white guys. That’s a combination that simply cannot fail.”
Indeed, Lankville’s illustrious history is replete with an almost unbroken string of successes by its white male citizens. “It’s tradition,” observed Glenn Ogilvie, history professor at the University of Southern Lankville. Prof. Ogilvie noted that it was transplanted foreign nobleman Edmund du Rochfecault who discovered the famous Mud Pits in the late seventeenth century.
As the Industrial Age swept across the country during the following centuries, white men led the charge: Theodore “Ironsides” Knutson founded the Lankville Quarry; Barlow Foods was the brainchild of Weatherford T. Barlow, and the company is still overseen by the scion’s white male heirs; today, of course, Lankville is secure in the resolute leadership of President Pondicherry. Thus, Prof. Ogilvie pointed out, from the stone we build our homes on to the nutrients we consume to the political machinations that make it all possible, we have white guys to thank.
“You’re welcome,” added Mr. Williams.
As of press time, the conglomerate of five white men had not yet decided what their nascent business should be.
“I’d like it to be something that involves heavy machinery and beer,” averred Mr. Cornelius. “Maybe a place that rents out industrial machines and serves beer while you wait. Something like that. If we can figure out a way to involve physical activity as well, like with dumbbells, all the better.”
There are a good deal of permits and licenses and mortgage information to sift through, the men said, but they remain firm and undaunted. They know they have what it takes to succeed, no matter what kind of business they eventually launch.
Lankville eagerly awaits their decision, and looks forward to providing its white men with another well-earned triumph.
Royer Knighted in Solemn Wet Hill Ceremony
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Sir Ric
Eccentric Lankville businessman Ric Royer was knighted today in a solemn ceremony that took place on a wet hill.
After a mysterious breakfast of pancakes that suddenly morphed into waffles, Royer was made to lean on a green hassock before President Pondicherry. The President touched each of Royer’s shoulders with a sword and then presented the executive with a series of medals, a framed poster of a turtle emerging from a mossy rock and a small crown.
“Sir Ric represents all that is exceptional about Lankville,” declared the President. “His is an intellectual life marked with scholasticism but also a warrior’s life marked with heroism, bravery, gallantry and only killing people when he really has to.”
“It’s an interesting feeling,” Royer remarked after the ceremony. “I had never before thought of being knighted but now that I am knighted, I can’t imagine not being a knight. People should really celebrate this occasion. It’s a tremendous victory for knights everywhere.”
As part of his knighthood, Royer will have access to many Lankville malls after hours.
“I have experienced the mall after hours before but this will give me wider access to a lot more malls,” Royer noted, with obvious pleasure.
Royer is the first Lankvillian knighted since 2011.
THIS JUST IN!
By Sarah Samways: Reporter Who is a Woman
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
THIS JUST IN!
WOMAN’S RECKONER CALLS IT QUITS
Reckoning of the Reckoner for Local Woman?
Yesterday evening, a local area woman got home from work and attempted to turn on her Reckoner, as per her end-of-shift routine. Unfortunately, it buzzed and whirred and its screen remained black. After several attempts to revive it, the woman picked up a book (covered in cobwebs and dust), and fell asleep.
THIS JUST IN!
BOY PULLS GIRL’S BRAIDS, STITCHES NEEDED ON SITE
Rascal and general hooligan, Johnny Lane, 7, was seen chasing an unidentified foreign girl in the schoolyard. The girl, who doesn’t speak any Lankville languages, sustained severe injuries to the scalp and psyche when Lane pulled her braids until several strands broke and were ripped straight out of her head. The event left many baffled and bits of the girl’s exposed, bleeding scalp could be seen on the concrete. The girl was then seen running to the nurse’s office, howling in pain. Onlookers say they don’t know what provoked Lane, citing his form of terror as usually reserved for teachers, the elderly, athletic boys, and non-foreign girls. “Guess he got bored,” a local nun was rumored to have said.
THIS JUST IN!
MAN STANDS OUTSIDE OF VITIELLO DECORATIVE HAMS ARENA, SOLO
Marty Dennis had a lot to say.
LAST NIGHT – Local Lankvillian, Todd Malo, 45, stood outside of Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena in below freezing temperatures, shivering and apparently waiting for something, anything to happen. An arena employee spotted Malo, as he went to pick up his paycheck.
“So I says, I says to the guy, ya know we’re closed right? There ain’t any events goin’ on tonight. I’m just here to pick up my paycheck,” claims Marty Dennis, 32. This admission was ignored by Malo, who quietly began to calculate the seagull to french fry ratio in the parking lot, aloud. Dennis found Malo “…a lost cause,” and continued inside.
Two random Lankvillian females happened to be traveling through the Arena’s parking lot from opposite directions when they were approached by a now-alert Malo. Witnesses on scene reported seeing Malo foaming at the mouth, speaking in tongues, and waving his arms around. Dennis, paycheck in hand, had just come back outside. “Yeah, all I could make out was: fight! fight! I dunno, he was bein’ real lewd, making comments and whatnot…Them girls looked freaked. The one with the nice cans was just trying to get to the salon across the way to get her nails done or whatever. The younger one just looked bored, ya know Millennials, they’re all the same, texting and (expletive).”
Authorities were called as Malo began pointing at his crotch and giggling. Lankville Police Commissioner Simmons had this to say,”Yeah, on the off season we get fellas trying to incite impromptu sets of Small Motel Girl Wrestling – it rarely works out. This cabin fever during the colder months brought more of it out than usual. Malo is no more or less of a man than anyone else. I mean who can blame him? Those events are well worth their ticket price! But, ahem, this won’t be tolerated! We want the female population in Lankville to feel safe while walking through empty parking lots. Times have changed.”
Madison Fights Lion, Tank
By Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Wunderkind inventor Danny Madison fought a lion and a tank this morning, sources are reporting.
The 12-year old boy genius held a press conference to introduce his new “Repelletron Skywalk”, a device which instantly creates moving walkways when he was suddenly attacked by the lion and the tank.
The lion and the tank were defeated.
Big day for Danny Madison.
“Clearly, the lion and the tank had reasons for keeping my Repelletron Skywalk a secret,” Madison noted after the spirited rhubarb.
Madison then proceeded to describe his latest innovation.
“The Repelletron Skywalk is in response to a series of green objects that I saw hovering over a field last week. At first, I invented a cohort of robot astronauts equipped with 3-D TV cameras as “eyes”. I called them “Video Vikings”. Anyway, the “Video Vikings” failed in their objective so I have created this device which utilizes rays to create moving walkways to the sky. In this manner, I shall investigate the green objects personally.”
Madison received a standing ovation from the small crowd of assembled reporters.
“Thank you,” responded the whiz-kid. “Now, I understand there are some round bite-size doughnut remains at the back of the room?”
Unfortunately, the round bite-size doughnut remains had already been eaten.
“I’m disappointed,” noted Madison, who activated the Repelletron Skywalk through a window and vacated the room, ending the press conference prematurely.
People in the News
Steve Bob-Horner is part of a growing movement. A movement that we call “People in the News”.
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
“Guess I first became aware that I was a person in the news a few years ago,” says Bob-Horner, a short, stocky man with wispy blonde hair and crimson cheeks. “I was down for a ribbon-cutting at the new outdoor shopping plaza– they had a giant oblong attention-grabbing inflatable object that I was interested in viewing– and, long story short, everyone was more interested in me [than the giant oblong attention-grabbing inflatable object]. At that point, I became a person in the news.”
It hasn’t all been roses. The stress shows on Bob-Horner’s now lined face. He chain smokes cigarettes in his darkened kitchen. He has been through a seemingly endless tally of lower-level jobs. He is drunk.
“It’s been…difficult,” he says, as he looks down at the filthy linoleum floor, so close to breaking down entirely. “You can see why I keep all the curtains closed and park my truck in some bushes three blocks away.”
Indeed, we can. For beyond those curtains, fifty reporters stand at the fence perimeter– waiting…watching.
We asked one of the reporters why– why Steve Bob-Horner?
Steve Bob-Horner: A Person in the News
“Because he’s a person in the news,” responded the intrepid correspondent, who asked to remain anonymous. “Do you really need to ask that question, Lloyd?”
“But when…when will it end?”
The columnist eyed me carefully before answering.
“It ends with death, Lloyd. It ends with death.”
Bob-Horner knows this– to some extent, he has accepted his fate.
“Just wish I hadn’t gone down there [to see the giant oblong attention-grabbing inflatable object]. Everything changed then. Everything changed.”
We slowly backed away from the kitchen table but kept our eyes on the broken, star-crossed figure before us. It grew dimmer, the light was fading. I played some sad orchestral music off my LPads. The mood was dismal.
Dismal for Steve-Bob Horner.
Amusement Park Opens, Consumes Many, Disappears
By Bernie Keebler
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Blanketed under a cold grey sky, Sensational Mons Island officially opened its gates yesterday, but the much- anticipated theme park lasted only three hours before it sucked itself into the earth, carrying with it hundreds of families. According to its website, the funfair is “closed until further notice”.
Reports from those left behind state that visitors of the park were made to stand in a single file line to enter and were then picked up in groups of five by a circulating safari truck covered in claw marks and chunks. Not much could be seen from behind the towering gates other than an oblong spin ride made of stone and a bear, who strutted confidently around the perimeter wearing a feathered party mask.
About two hours after opening, onlookers behind the gate watched in horror as the entire amusement folded in on itself, swallowing the ride, the bear, the attendees and a random hubcap, leaving behind a plume of mist and a haunting scorched desert landscape.
Chilling photograph taken moments before Sensational Mons Island was sucked into the earth.
Goateed witness Jeremiah Hannah-Luff described the scene as “wacky”, further noting, “it looked like the mouth of the earth was smoking a “J”, inhaled some people, exhaled some smoke. And man when that smoke cleared there was nothing there, man.” Hannah-Luff was later held down by our news team and branded with the Mark of the Fool.
Other witnesses were more distraught. “It’s a shame that it gobbled up our people,” noted bystander Leland Indiana. “I hope we get them back, but gotta say, I was also really looking forward to the chocolate fountain that was highlighted in the park brochure. Never seen a real chocolate fountain before. Just that bogus one they tout at the Lankville Economy Standard Mall. Everyone knows that one is just an illusion created by mirrors and lighting. Brown lighting.”
Detective Gee Temple was called to the scene, looked left, right, then shrugged and drove off.
An email sent to Sensation Mons Island regarding the likelihood of the return of the hundreds of people taken under by and then sealed into the barren earth and a request for the status of the chocolate fountain had not been answered by press time.
Area Girls Rolling Out the Whoop-Ass Cannon
By Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A group of area girls are rolling out the whoop-ass cannon, sources are confirming.
“I was just outside tending to some little pots that had fallen over and they came down the street rolling the [whoop-ass] cannon. I knew it was going to be bad,” said Eastern Defoliated Area resident Jean Books (rated about a 7 of 10 by this author).
The girls are believed to be the same band that terrorized Lankville areas in October and December of last year.
The area girls that are rolling out the whoop-ass cannon.
“We have a trace on them,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “We are anticipating a [whoop-ass] salvo and have evacuated the area. We just want everyone to be safe.”
Politicians, law enforcement officials and church people are already calling for measures to stop the area girls. “Frankly, we didn’t know they had a [whoop-ass] cannon,” noted Gee-Temple. “Our intelligence had indicated that they were involved in ganking and getting up in everybody’s [shit] but weapons [whoop-ass cannons] were not on our radar.”
The motivation of the area girls was unclear at press-time.
The Five People You Meet in the Lankville Subway
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
Riding a Lankville subway train to work or play is a rite of passage for local denizens. Whether one is rushing to make it to class at Lankville State University, hurrying to an important meeting near Pondicherry Square, or simply taking in the sights on the Elevated Express to the Lankville Partial Icy Regions, the subway is a nexus of adventure and surprise. Having spent many years riding our august rails, this intrepid reporter brings you a dossier on the most frequent characters you’ll encounter in the Lankville subway – hopefully with a “Hail fellow well met!”
1) The Winter Guy. He’s wearing a big, thick coat with a giant puffy hood. Probably some kind of annoying, loud, clompy boots. There will most definitely be a backpack slung over his shoulder, with little zips and ties and mountain-hikey things hanging off it.
Figure 1: “The Winter Guy”
2) The Female. Technically not allowed in the subway unaccompanied by a male relative, the female often flouts this law and finds her way down the from the street like a leaf or a plastic bag tumbling in the wind.
3) The Breather. This person always seems to find a way to sidle up next to you on the platform or in the train and just stand there, breathing. Seriously, have you ever had to listen to someone breathe, right up close and in your face? Breathing in, breathing out, making soft little gurgling sounds deep in their throat, like a strangled scream.
4) The Shilly-Shallerer. Not to be confused with the Dilly-Dallerer or the Jibber-Jabberer, the Shilly-Shallerer is a certain kind of unfortunate soul who seems to populate the subway in great numbers. Bound to appear before you at the exact wrong (but ultimately whimsical) moment, fumbling in his pockets for a subway token or handcuffed to a railing.
Figure 2: Standard View of the Lankville Subway
5) The Cretin. Always a good source of “on the street” information, the Cretin moves through the subway like hemoglobin through a well-primed artery, often endearingly disheveled, hair swept back roguishly and collar undone, grinning at passersby with yellow-brown teeth.
Such are the storied figures you’re bound to meet in the tunnels that hum underneath our beloved Lankville. So step into the station, grab your token, and join us “underground”!
Still a Little Miffed That Nobody Loaned Me Their Boombox
By Zach Keebaugh
So, this isn’t an official Lankville article or anything but I just wanted to say that I’m a little miffed that nobody loaned me their boombox. What’s up people?
About a week ago, I let everybody know that my new squeeze Pat and I were going camping and that we needed a boombox. I figured on getting at least three or four boombox options from readers. Instead, I got nothing. I couldn’t believe it.
Pat wasn’t happy about it. We went camping anyway but we didn’t have much of a time. Pat needs music. Me, I don’t care none but Pat likes it. Anyway, we broke up.
Just hope that next time I need a boombox, I get a better response, that’s all I’m saying.
Royer Plays Hero in Two Separate Incidents
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Notable Lankville business magnate Ric Royer knows the meaning of the words “good citizen”. He put them into action twice yesterday.
In an early morning incident at an Eastern Lankville Burger Rex restaurant, the enigmatic executive repelled several youths who were taunting an elderly woman.
“Although there are many Burger Rex restaurants, I enjoy patronizing the one with the paintings of heaven on the walls,” noted Royer. “I find the contemplation of little angels soothing while I drink my chunky coffee.”
Royer then explained the details of the incident.
“Some youths walked in and began picking on an old lady. At first, it was fairly ordinary, harmless stuff like calling attention to her advanced age, writing on her shirt, gentle poking. But it quickly became nasty and I knew that swift action would be necessary.”
Ric Royer: Star and Good Citizen.
Royer noted that he carries a large chain with him for such just purposes.
“I got the chain out and started swinging it around and stomping my foot. The leader of the gang shouted “LET’S GO. LET’S HIT THE ROAD” and they ran out and we noticed then that the chain had pierced the new soda machine, the one where a man comes on the screen and asks what kind of soda you want and so there was some clean-up involved and then I gave the old lady $40.”
Four hours later, Royer played the hero again.
“I was at the elastic furniture store and a pregnant woman was eating some small round burgers and she suddenly began choking. Everyone else had disappeared, so I launched into action.”
Royer says that he utilized diverse wrestling moves to expel the small round burger.
“I was not familiar with any traditional safety maneuvers,” he explained. “I was born in Lankville Falls, after all. The woman was so grateful that she will be legally changing her name to “Ric”.
All around Lankville, Royer is already being lauded for his efforts.
“I was back at the Burger Rex later that night, feasting on a Rodeo Burger and I saw a blimp appear out the window. My name was written on the side in lights,” the enigmatic mogul noted.
President Pondicherry has already announced plans for the presentation of a medallion.
“Ric is a great inspiration to us all. He is the ideal Lankvillian and not the kind of person we usually have is who is just fat and sits around,” the President noted.
Plans for further ceremonies will be outlined today.
Shopping Bag Falls Over, Causes Haunting
By Grady Kitchens
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A shopping bag has fallen over causing a haunting, sources are confirming.
The bag, full of produce, was placed against a kitchen wall by Ms. Hannah Agrarian-Curtains, 28, of the Central Lankville Rural Area.
“I was hurrying to answer my phone and I placed the bag against the wall and it wasn’t propped up right,” said Ms. Agrarian-Curtains, who was sobbing intermittently. “I should have known what would happen.”
Ms. Agrarian-Curtains claims that the collapse of the bag kicked off a chain of events, the repercussions of which are still being felt in the area hours later.
Artist’s rendering of what Ms. Agrarian-Curtains saw on her kitchen wall.
“The sky went a sort of yellowish color. I looked out my back window and saw a man in the alley who was sadly waving at me. It was more of a wave of “goodbye” than “hello.” Then, suddenly, one of the kitchen walls was illuminated by what appeared to be a series of letters coming from some ungodly, abominable, cursed film projector. They flickered horribly for ten seconds or so and then they flamed out. They just said, “THE END”.”
Ms. Agrarian-Curtains sobbed uncontrollably.
Detectives were called to the scene but could offer no explanation.
“We took all the people in the neighborhood into custody but the man in the alley was not located nor was the old, haunted projector,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “It’s a crime with no solution,” added Gee-Temple, who began examining Ms. Agrarian-Curtains’ spice rack in search for clues.
“I just wish I had properly put away the bag of produce,” noted Ms. Agrarian-Curtains.
A press conference is expected later today.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK