Archive
So What Was in That Lankville Time Capsule?
By Pa-hinn Cruikshank
Pa-hinn Cruikshank is a special reporter on the Medievals.
Residents were excited last week when a small metal box (or “capsule”) was unearthed under the cornerstone of St. Amelia’s, the stately cathedral that towers over Pondicherry Square in Old Lankville.
Prof. Glenn Ogilvie of the University of Southern Lankville rushed back from his tent in the Partial Ice Regions, interrupting his vacation, to investigate.
“At one time it was traditional to bury a time capsule with some coins and keepsakes to be opened at a specified date in the future,” Dr. Ogilvie said. “This is not one of those, however.”
Instead, the historian believes the strongbox actually dates to the “middle period” in Lanque-Ville-sur-Lac, and that it was transported and built into St. Amelia’s along with other foundation stones brought over from the foreign city.
So what, eager residents and the Lankville News reporters have been wondering, is inside?
Mostly, it turns out, some dead animals, a miniature codpiece that seems to have been designed for a little boy or a dwarf, and a strange item that Prof. Ogilvie at first assumed was another dead animal.
“Dead animals are a splendid find, don’t get me wrong,” averred Ogilvie, who added that they can tell us much about the type of pets the medievals used to cherish. In this case, the box contained parts of a hedgehog, a common weasel, and what was at first assumed to be the pelt of a ferret.
An onlooker suddenly approached Ogilvie and opened a challenge. The situation was quickly defused.
“Women liked to keep ferrets up their sleeves for warmth during the long winters in the Lanque-Ville-sur-Lac Lower Icy Regions,” explained Dr. Emma T. Hogg, Visiting Professor of the Dark Ages at Lankville State University.
But when the pelt was examined more closely, it turned out to be a merkin.
“Women wore merkins over their pubic areas for added warmth, sometimes for purposes of fashion,” noted Dr. Hogg. She and Prof. Ogilvie have put the merkin through rigorous testing at a secret facility, and as of this writing have applied to the Lankville Foundation for Olden Times (LFOT) for funding to do further tests.
Medievals playing with their pets.
“We are not yet sure,” Prof. Ogilvie said, “but this particular merkin may have belonged to St. Amelia of Lanque-Ville-sur-Lac.”
Pilgrims, according to Profs. Ogilvie and Hogg, used to come from all over the foreign lands to visit the town’s cathedral and touch the dead saint’s merkin, said to have healing powers. “St. Amelia was sent to the Lanque-Ville region to try to convert the barbarians,” who at that time adhered to a strange, horrible religion that involved veganism, communal property, and speaking in riddles, Dr. Hogg said. The barbarian King Hwamstan fell in love with the beautiful Amelia. She agreed to marry him only on the condition that he renounce his religion and agree to worship the one true God. His lust turned to anger, according to Dr. Hogg, and he tortured her.
“Eventually, he had her tied to a stake outside his castle and burned off her pubic hair,” said Dr. Ogilvie.
“But the next day,” Dr. Hogg added, “her pubic hair miraculously grew back, thicker than ever.”
Seeing this, King Hwamstan converted on the spot, and broke ground on the church that is the ancestor of Lankville’s St. Amelia cathedral.
“Her pubic hair kept growing, however,” reported Hogg, and so Amelia cut it off every night and wove it into long merkins, some of which she bequeathed to her daughters and granddaughters, as well as women from neighboring towns.
If the merkin does come from St. Amelia, that would make the mysterious capsule under the foundation stone a reliquary of sorts.
“We need to do more tests,” admitted Dr. Ogilvie, who was suddenly challenged again by a second bystander.
For now, Lankville can rejoice in knowing that it houses some true treasures from antiquity.
At Last- a New Trap for Telephone Perverts!
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville can breathe a sigh of relief.
Police announced this morning that the rash of telephone perversions is coming to an end.
“The Lankville Bureau of Probes in cooperation with the Danny Madison Corporation have created a device that will catch telephone perverts,” said Detective Houston Gee-Temple during a press conference in which only soggy toast was served. “I feel confident that this will bring an end to the insidious outbreak of deep telephone perversion.”
Danny Madison, creator of the “Madison Revealer”.
Gee-Temple then yielded to 12-year old boy genius Danny Madison, who explained the device.
“This transparent piece of plastic will fit over your phone,” said the wunderkind, who held up a mysterious object which appeared to be invisible. “Upon receiving the debauched call, the victim will press a button. This device, which I call the “Madison Revealer” will then send a signal to police headquarters, pinpointing the caller’s location, sex, age, number of trophies won and other pertinent details. Police will then travel directly to the pervert and make the arrest.”
The assembled applauded loudly.
“Speaking of calls I’d like an ETA on that pizza that was ordered,” Madison suddenly asked the throng. A handler took him aside and the issue was dealt with privately.
The device will be available in electronics stores by Saturday and the Bureau of Probes will provide free “Madison Revealers” to past victims.
Rotating Restaurant Unveiled
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
The visual wonders of The Gripping, a restaurant which rotates 360 degrees on a giant cast-concrete base, were revealed last night in the Lankville capital.
Architect Mike Squatch.
The restaurant, constructed of round glass nearly 500 feet in the air, was designed by noted architect Mike Squatch.
“At the push of a button, The Gripping allows for a panoramic view of the downtown area,” noted Squatch, who was the principal designer of Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena. “It is a spinning saucer which eliminates restaurant boredom and presents a series of technologically-controlled scenes.”
“I love it and so do a lot of my male friends,” Squatch added.
“It’s like a dream house except it’s a restaurant,” noted a patron who refused to be identified and later suffered a sudden mental collapse and had to be placed in a cage. “My ribs and candy plate were delicious too!”
The Gripping takes 48 minutes to revolve completely.
Some fancy-pants types enjoy The Gripping.
“It’s designed to move somewhat slowly,” noted Squatch. “We experimented with having it move really fast but found that it upset people. Then, we had it move really slow, like once a month or so. That bored people. People were like- what the heck? Why should I climb all these steps and put up with that numinous menace on the 7th floor for this? So, I think we found a nice middle ground.”
Squatch admitted that the lack of elevators could pose future problems.
“We didn’t think about elevators. We were too busy getting the restaurant to revolve properly. Nevertheless, it’s a nice workout climbing up those 46 floors and I think people appreciate it.”
The Gripping is open for lunch, dinner and after-lunch. Dancing is available on the weekends.
An Interview with Ric Royer
By Brock Belvedere
BROCK PROBES
Brock Belvedere recently had a chance to sit down with enigmatic Lankville businessman Ric Royer.
Royer displays his “poster face”.
BB: I’ve been hanging out in the woods a lot and I’ve seen your posters. What do they mean?
RR: I’m trying to encourage people, Brock. Encourage them to be a star like me.
BB: Why are the posters in the woods?
RR: Exactly, Brock. Exactly.
BB: How does one become a star?
RR: You must do everything with star power. For example, last night I cooked some animal-shaped chicken nuggets. Many people cook animal-shaped chicken nuggets. However, I arranged mine on the baking tray in tall columns. That is star power.
BB: If everyone became a star, wouldn’t it be less special?
RR: Oh, Brock. Sometimes, if you look closely at an object, it will appear to be behind you. No one besides me will become a star. Just keep in mind- the poster.
BB: You look really strange on the poster. Why?
RR: It’s my normal “poster face”. Nothing unusual.
BB: Looks unusual to me.
RR: Mind yourself Brock. It’d be very easy to lure you to a barn where you would be slaughtered. Know that.
An awkwardness ensued and the interview collapsed of its own accord.
Triangle Garden Opened, Closed
By Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A sculpture garden consisting of nothing but triangles has been opened near Pondicherry Square in downtown Lankville City.
President Pondicherry gave a short speech and cut the opening ribbon.
“People can go to the garden during their lunch breaks, relax and enjoy the triangles,” noted the President. “There are a lot of triangles. Some [of the triangles] are small, some are large. Some [of the triangles] are up really high in the air, others are down at ground level. It’s a delightful place.”
For some time after the official opening, no one entered the garden.
Some of the triangles from the triangle garden.
“We’re still waiting for the first person to go in,” noted the President, who crouched behind some nearby trees to remain out of sight. “We’re wondering if the problem is a lack of triangles or a surfeit of triangles. Hopefully, it will become clear.”
After several hours, Dr. Miller Lupin of Western Lankville slowly entered the garden. As he milled about, several further triangles were suddenly added, blocking the only available exit. Dr. Lupin later died.
The triangle garden was closed to pedestrian traffic shortly thereafter.
“Clearly, the triangle garden is a disaster,” noted designer Bobby Robby-Grillet, who was inconsolable and weepy. “I wish they would just pave it over again.”
President Pondicherry is expected to call an emergency meeting later today to decide the fate of the garden.
“We thought it was a delightful triangle place but clearly it may very well be a place of triangle menace,” noted the President. “We will come to some conclusions after lunch.”
Leaked Drawings of Theme Park Expose a Subterranean Dream Hell
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
After local residents voiced suspicion over the fact that no visible signs of construction have taken place on the infertile heath where the privately-owned and operated theme park, Sensational Mons Island, was planned for completion in March, city officials pressed for the status of the development of the project.
In response, a theme park representative recently mailed a pencil drawing to President Pondicherry’s office outlining the layout for the theme park. The blueprints that were sent just had an arrow pointing to a circle indicating where the line of people are to enter the park.
Blueprint of theme park mailed to President Pondicherry’s office. Note the “line of people” and the circle representing the entirety of the theme park.
Unsatisfied with these drawings, the internet vigilante, known only as Internonymous (aka Lankville Daily News correspondent Zack Keebaugh), released sketches he reportedly discovered by doing an internet search for “real Sensational Mons Island Blueprints” (boolean). The sketches reveal an otherwordly hell fantasia that could not be reproduced within this article because its arcane architectural proportions requires two monitors and a prism to view in its entirety. According to the drawings, the theme park consists of just one ride (hellish), a pit, and a bear.
Internonymous later commented that the drawings “bore a dang hole in my brain and filled it with voodoo. This shit is the end of science, man. I kinda wish I never found those freaky blueprints, and so does my mom ’cause I’ve been keeping her up all night pacing back and forth, you know? I live upstairs from her and- ” (we hung up at that point).
At press time, officials at Sensational Mons Island had not responded to the fliers that we put up in the woods asking for more information.
Area Racks Now Featuring Balloons
By Bernie Keebler
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Area racks are now featuring balloons, sources are confirming.
“Yes, we’re witnessing quite a preponderance of these “balloon racks” noted local analyst Gene Shelby, Jr., who made use of air quotation marks in his utterance. “You can find them generally at the end of long aisles or sometimes near restrooms. They come in variety packs– in other words, one can attain a diverse quantity of these “balloons” that, when “inflated” will reveal a manifold series of shapes, colors and sizes.” (Shelby utilized air quotation marks again).
The balloons are affixed to free-standing racks such as this one.
“I’m pleased about it,” noted Lankville business magnate and former mall-dweller Ric Royer. “As most are aware, I have had a complex relationship with balloons in the past. Yet, I still welcome their appearance. We had several racks at the mall!” (Royer became very loud at the end of his last sentence before abruptly ending the interview).
Sources are conflicted as to who owns the racks.
“We are not exactly sure,” stated area grocery store employee Gary Sparklers. “I lock the door at night and open the door in the morning. Sometime during the night, they are restocked. It’s mysterious and confounding.”
Sparklers was suddenly shoved into a large display freezer which was then tipped over. He is currently recovering at a local hospital.
“Data indicates you’ll be seeing more of these “balloons”,” added Shelby, again utilizing air quotations for reasons unclear.
Guy at Meeting Acting a Little Arrogant for Someone Who is Stone-Cold Bald
By Brandy Transfer-Tables
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A guy at a meeting in the Lankville Tall Business Building Arena is reportedly acting a little arrogant for someone who is stone-cold bald.
“First thing in the morning and BAM!, Derm comes in and just starts acting pompous and haughty,” noted employee Dennis Fairboy, who works with the offender Derm Layboards at the Grebov Brothers Telescope Company. “I mean, he’s stone-cold bald. He should remember that.”
Other meeting attendees noted that Layboards is normally meek and mild-mannered.
“Something got in his crawl today and he was pitching some serious swagger,” said Lisa-Pam Yothers, who works in telescope quality control. “He sure wasn’t acting like a guy wearing a cheap synthetic blend shirt and who is as bald as a concrete wall.”
Derm Layboards is bald but he acts arrogant.
Layboards, who handles promissory telescope notes from customers, said he was fully aware of his conceited attitude.
“I just had enough of these meetings where people with hair are obviously favored in terms of speaking order and seating proximity to the heaters. So, I walked in there and took what I wanted. And they all listened and took notice.”
Layboards said he plans to be even more brazen at the next meeting.
“I’m taking control of the slide projector. And I will dominate it during the entire meeting,” noted the mid-level employee whose head is a barren, splotchy desert where hair fights a losing battle to find purchase. “It’s my time now,” Layboards added after a long, intense silence.
Man Always Ready to Help with Community Projects
By Grady Kitchens
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Last week Mary Druthers, a local business owner, was confronted by a large safe that she needed to move into Fits & Wiggles, her Pet Health and Exercise Emporium on the corner of Elm Street and Hadderly Lane, in the mixed-use section of downtown Lankville. She knew just who to call.
Steve Niedermeyer was about to start loading a rental truck to move his family’s furniture, possessions, and farm implements to New River, when the Lankville State students he’d hired to help him failed to show up. Luckily, he had a backup plan.
And when a group of local artists gathered to retrofit an old tugboat as an “art barge” that will transport roving exhibits up and down Lankville Bay, there was one “mate” they were confident would be part of the crew.
Neil Marinovic is always ready to lend a hand.
The 32-year-old Lankville resident has made a habit of being a Good Samaritan-about-town. Whether it’s helping friends move, refurbishing an art space, or investigating an Incident, he’s “good to go,” as Marinovic asserted from his shared residence on Gulliver Avenue.
Neil Marinovic will help you move a really heavy safe.
“I still remember the day we met to work on the Mud Pits,” recalled local enthusiast Morley Hastings. “It was kinda rainy, cold, there was mud and dirt everywhere,” he said, adding that the work was “definitely not for the feint of heart.” But Marinovic was there bright and early wearing knee-high all-weather boots over his characteristic seersucker suit, and he stuck around until the last scoop of mud had been lovingly ladled into the final pit.
“The guy’s a machine,” said Hastings. “It’s a little unnerving, actually.”
The mere announcement of the imminent closure (and planned burning) of the Giant Tart cafeteria, as reported in the Lankville News, was enough to bring Marinovic out to the Great Eastern Grassy Suburban Area on a vigil. There he joined anxious residents in queuing for a “last meal” before the popular eatery is closed for good by owner Dennis O’Fashioned Candies.
“It’s just what you do,” said Marinovic from his cell phone as he braved winter weather in the “swampy knoll” that surrounds the Giant Tart. “If I’m part of this community, I want to be part of the community, doing community things,” he said, adding that it’s important to him to take advantage of all the wonders and face all the challenges Lankville has to offer.
“That’s what makes it, you know, a community,” he said.
Neil Marinovic wouldn’t have it any other way.
Why is this Old Lady Staring at These Stuffed Animals in this Weird Way?
By Zach Keebaugh
A ZACH KEEBAUGH REPORT
I’ll admit it. It’s been awhile since I’ve worked. I needed something and fast. So, I took a job in a toy store.
I’m working right now. And there’s this old lady staring at these stuffed animals in this really weird way. It’s freaking me out, man.
She just keeps holding them at different distances from her face with that same demented smile. It’s crazy. Phil, the boss, he came over and asked me to go offer to help her. I was like, “Forget that shit, Phil.” He left and I went back to sorting the stuffed penguins– arranging them in rows by height. But I kept an eye on this crazy old broad.
This is the crazy old lady I was telling you about.
I took a closer look. It was a bear and a tiger. What in the hell is the difference between a bear and a tiger? They’re both winners. How can you go wrong? Why the hell would it take, like twenty-five minutes to figure that shit out? It’s a choice of two, yo! Make it and be DONE with it.
So, in the end I bet you can’t even guess what this nutty grandma did. She left them both. Didn’t even buy a single one of them! Christ, I wanted to carom one off her noggin’ as she waddled on out. “Can you believe that fucking shit?” I said to Phil. Phil was all, “C’mon Zach, no cussing on the floor.” Phil’s religious- I always forget about that.
Here’s the two stuffed animals that the old lady was pawing at.
So, I had to go see for myself what the hell was up. I picked up the bear and I picked up the tiger and then I put ’em side by side just the way the ol’ gal had ’em. I couldn’t tell any difference. So, I tried putting the same weird look on my face, staring at them in that same weird way. For a minute, I felt something strange, like something supernal, from beyond our world. But it passed quick and then it was, like, nothing.
I put them back on the shelf and now I’m headed to lunch.
Fuck it.
Ungodly Blood-Curdling Scream Alerts Customers to Pizza Arrival
By Linwood Probert
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Popular pizza delivery chain Suddenly Mama Pizza! has instituted a new “blood-curdling scream” that will alert customers to the arrival of their order.
“The customer will place their order,” explained owner Jerome Koosman from his offices in the Western Lankville Cliffs Business District. “Twenty, thirty or ninety minutes will pass and then an ungodly, bloodcurdling scream will erupt from all corners of the home or apartment complex. They’ll know then that their order has arrived.”
Suddenly Mama! is expected to implement the idea this Friday.
“We’ve done some testing in certain lower-class areas and the idea has worked well,” noted Koosman, who was interviewed while in the middle of laying off an employee who waited hesitantly in a nearby chair. “We have a lot of problems with customers not answering their doors or having faulty doorbells or delivery men not understanding the idea of “knocking”, so this should help expedite things.”
The chain would not elaborate on who would be doing the screaming but noted that the delivery person would not be involved.
“No, there will be a separate scenario acted out nearby the house or apartment building,” Koosman added.
When asked if actors would be hired to perform the ungodly, blood-curdling scream, Koosman grew confused.
“Not at all. They’ll be no acting in this scenario. Eventually, the scream won’t even be human.”
Suddenly Mama Pizza! boasts 317,284 locations throughout Lankville.
The Small Towns of Lankville
By Brock Belvedere
A LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES! “SPECIAL REPORT”.
New River in the Southeastern corner of Lankville is comprised of a sleepy main street, some hills, a luncheon counter, an aging theater and two fast food establishments. There is a lovely, weedy park with a really big giant anchor memorializing the ten thousand New Riverians killed during the War of the Depths. The Lankville Southern Mountain chain is visible far off in the distance.
People in New River speak in clipped, short sentences. They are good people, people initially bound to the soil, freed only recently by the steamroller of modern commerce. “I farmed for 45 years,” noted an old-timer who refused to be identified. “Then, they came along in a car and one guy yelled out STOP IT! and that was that.”
The old-timer paused to spit into the dust. It grew darker.
The famous really giant big anchor of New River.
For many years, New River was the famous home of the Great Bewildering Blimp of the Home Country, a tremendous dirigible airship that was once the apple of Lankville’s eye. “After awhile, people lost interest,” noted aviation historian Andre Thornton, who possesses many books and videotapes on the subject. “The thing was kind of ponderous as it went up into the sky at a speed of about five miles an hour and passed weirdly over the landscape like some sort of outlandish air teat. It was terrifying. And so they eventually threw it into the Old River. And then that caused a lot of problems with flooding and drainage and so forth, so then they blew up the old river and built a new river, hence the name of our town.”
Thornton smiled idiotically so we punched him in the neck. The interview ended prematurely.
Famous celebrity Randy Pendleton was born in New River. The town erected an enormous sign a few years back. “Randy is obviously one of the greatest human beings of all-time, so for him to be born here, in a modest house in an alley, is a great honor,” noted resident Von Hayes, who is known as the “unofficial” mayor of New River. “Randy’s ascent to stardom is even more amazing when you think of how he is the offspring of simple people of the dirt, cast down off the Plains of Lankville into our towns like vermin down a watery slide,” added Hayes.
The Loamy Theater was built in 1932 and is nestled on the main drag between a closed storefront and a closed storefront. We were invited to a showing of a recent documentary on famous New Riverian Pendleton. Although we missed 2/3 of the film (because of candy), it was a marvelous display of affection from Pendleton’s relatives, friends and local lovers. “We’ve been showing “Dandy Randy” for over a year,” noted theater operator Tobias Harrah. “It’s been great for the town.”
Spillner’s Luncheon Counter
The early movie throng make their way slowly over to Spillner’s– the venerable luncheon counter. Sporting a darkened main eating area decorated with empty (but lighted) aquariums, Spillner’s has been serving New Riverians for nearly 65 years. Randy Pendleton has eaten here and the superstar signed a glossy black and white which hangs over the fry station. “We’ve seen the Great Bewildering Blimp come and go and then we’ve seen Randy and we’ve got a nice little town legacy here,” said owner Dan Spillner. “There is a silence here that I appreciate, a silence in this luncheon counter and the way the orange carpet curls up around the edges suddenly, quickly as one watches and the way the brown paneling begins to sort of peel off the walls. It’s quite fascinating.”
Spillner presented us with the bill which was over $300 (two breakfasts, two soft drinks). An argument ensued.
But arguments are rare. There is peace in New River, a soft, wafting peace. It’s like the gentle breeze that kisses your behind when you have your pants down outside. It’s like the soft kiss of a new lover. It’s freedom. It’s Lankville.
Brock Belvedere’s “The Small Towns of Lankville” will continue in future issues.
Famed Cafeteria to Shut its Doors
Mrs. Larry Temple
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
An iconic cafeteria in the heart of Lankville’s Great Eastern Grassy Suburban Area will close its doors on Friday.
The Giant Tart cafeteria has been in continuous operation since 1957.
“It’s been a good run,” said founder Dennis O’Fashioned Candies, now 91. “I checked out years ago and have been kind of coasting on sub-par food ever since. It’s time to let go. It’s time to prepare for death.”
The Giant Tart Cafeteria is entering its end times.
O’Fashioned Candies has already begun selling off furniture and fixtures to passersby, including his famed “Giant Tart Mold”, the longtime staple of the cafeteria.
“Tart’s gone. Long gone. They’re won’t be any more giant tarts,” the enigmatic restauranter noted.
Devotees meanwhile have been lining up for one final meal.
“It’s a landmark, definitely,” noted Daily News cuisine editor Brian Schropp. “The Giant Tart is where my new ideas in breakfast sandwiches first germinated. They used to serve a dish that was two pieces of toast and an egg and sausage. I remember staring at the plate thinking– what if we stacked all these items? That’s when it all started for me.”
Schropp noted that his final meal at The Giant Tart was a mix of nostalgia, tears and discomfort.
“I was told if I wanted a chair and table, I had to buy them and take them with me after I finished,” Schropp stated. “I ended up crouching in a corner. Everyone seemed incredibly angry and impatient.”
O’Fashioned Candies plans to serve one final dinner Friday night and be closed by 8PM.
“After that, I’m burning whatever’s left and that includes the building,” he noted. “So get down here early.”
Hadbawnik, Royer, Samways, Schropp All Honored at Luncheon
By Gina Bradley-Komminsk
David Hadbawnik
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES! Lankville Daily News columnists David Hadbawnik, Ric Royer, Sarah Samways and Brian Schropp were all honored yesterday at a downtown luncheon held in an office park that was later completely destroyed by a mysterious fire. Hadbawnik, Royer and Samways received huge, unwieldy trophies and Schropp was awarded the “Lankville Golden Dish” for his cuisine reviews.
The ceremony was hosted by notable celebrity Randy Pendleton.
“It was a great honor,” noted Hadbawnik, who was struggling to hold up the elephantine trophy as photographers snapped away. “I feel I’ve done some important work this year on gourd-awareness and mud pits and I’m lusciously delighted beyond measure that people have noticed.”
Sarah Samways
Hadbawnik later had to be hospitalized after suffering a slight groin pull in his effort to hoist the trophy one final time for photographers.
Samways, who arrived wearing a foreign headdress, a sweatshirt and bicycle pants was similarly pleased. “People come up to me on the street now and ask for autographs. I’m lusciously delighted beyond measure and I’m preparing an extremely long memoir about my experiences,” the journalist added as she struggled beneath the massive trophy.
Samways later was hospitalized due to a back strain.
Schropp and Royer both arrived late.
Brian Schropp
“My Dad wouldn’t give me a ride,” Schropp noted after receiving his “Golden Dish” which was as small as the trophy was large. “But I’m lusciously proud beyond measure of this little tiny decoration.”
Ric Royer
Schropp later had to be hospitalized after suffering from a panic attack.
Royer was the last to speak. “I am not fully aware of the symbolic meaning of this trophy,” the executive and journalist noted. “I suppose it will be useful in trading for food at a later apocalyptic date in our shared history.” Royer handed the trophy to his handlers and headed straight for a table covered with bottled sodas.
A short speech by editor-in-chief Marles Cundiff followed.
The Incident in the Woods: An Investigative Report
By Sarah Samways
Lankville Daily News’ Contributing Female hits the streets in search of answers.
Lankville, your safety is important to me – I want you to know that. Your privacy is too, I suppose. The state of your mental health is a concern I have from time to time, if there’s nothing good on television. So when I heard there was an incident in The Woods, I was determined to get to the bottom of it. I interviewed several Lankvillians on the scene but I wasn’t getting any straight answers. When asked about the incident, a group of teenagers shrugged their shoulders. An unidentified man on a bicycle claimed he had heard an explosion of some sort but this could not be corroborated with police reports.
“Not a thing is singed,” said Detective Gee Temple, as he jumped into a pile of leaves. “We’ll take some samples of these leaves I’ve just jumped into but otherwise, I’m not seeing anything suspicious,” the intrepid detective added.
Gee-Temple: “…I’m not seeing anything suspicious.”
Others claimed there was a flood and it ruined all the crops. An elderly couple said that they had seen a young man skipping stones and playing hopscotch. I asked how this was suspicious. “I didn’t care for his haircut,” noted Leslie Smithereens, 89. Her husband, Doe, 76, nodded in agreement. A burly man said he had seen “…the light at the end of the tunnel.” A quiet weirdo avoided making eye contact at all costs but whispered, what now I can only assume to be the secret of life, in my ear, and then skipped off down the road carrying a basket of flowers. I was getting nowhere; why was I here?
I would get closer to the truth when I came across an old woman, creaking back and forth in a rocking chair on an open and termite-bitten-porch. She invited me to sit “for a spell and drink sweet tea.” I accepted the invitation. Her name was Josephine Liliweather.
SS: What exactly happened here? I’m getting all kinds of stories.
JL: Yeah, that’ll happen…You from outta town?
SS: Kind of…I’m new to the city but I’m quite familiar with The Woods. I’ve lived here from time to time.
JL: Well, it takes time. Everything and nothing happened out here. Everything and nothing.
SS: It seems some people are upset –
JL: What about that girl who disappeared?
SS: What? I hadn’t heard that –
JL: Oh, I doubt you ever will!
Ms. Liliweather then splashed hot sweet tea in my eyes, threw me off the porch and rolled me down a hill in one of those old fashioned wooden barrels. It smelled of pickles and it was disgusting. The interview was ended prematurely, but set for a later date yet to be determined.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK