Archive
New Dance Craze Hits Town, as Everybody Does the “Lankville Shuffle”
By Ida Rumpus
It’s hip. It’s here. It’s new. It’s now. When local thrill-seekers like well-known couple Dick and Tammy La Hoyt strap on their dancing shoes and saunter out to trip the light fantastic, there’s a new move that sets their toes tapping and hearts racing more than any other: the “Lankville Shuffle.” From the greasy jukebox in Pizza A-Round to the plush ballroom in Casa Montecristo (elegant reception hall), it’s got Lanvillians up out of their seats and shakin’ what they got.
“We love it,” said Tammy La Hoyt, showing off the move with a startled customer on the floor of her salon, Tammy’s Nails. The svelte salonista deftly dipped her shoulder, swung her hips left, right, left, and guided her and her partner’s feet through the dance’s signature move: a swift shuffle in complex 4/3 time. “Dick can’t get enough of it, and dancing keeps him from getting punched in the face, for the most part, so it’s a win-win-win!” she added.
All right – but what about Lankville’s burgeoning millennial population? Surely these cutting-edge youngsters, the pride and future of Lankville, aren’t partaking in something as passé as – cutting a rug?
“I do it all the time,” texted millennial extraordinaire (and recently named “MacLankan genius”) Berenice Cradles. “We all do it. We love doing it. I just finished doing it, and I’m about to do it again.” Cradles added that she was going to meet friends Tori Loops, Allison Hunter-Awnings, and Emily Freedmont-Westerbrook for a quick bite of some wild pumpkin seed brie on compost chips at PAO QUOTIDIAN, where she’d asked ex-husband Josh Wilson-Shires to pick them up and take them out to do the “shuffle.”
Reached at his tent in the parking lot of Cradles’ newest development project, Wilson-Shires confirmed the plan.
No one is sure where the “Lankville Shuffle” originated. Some believe it emerged from the infrequent meetings of area cat-lovers, who gather in various locales to regale one another with images and stories of their feline friends. A discussion at one of the meetings – which are, unfortunately, shrouded in secrecy – may or may not have concerned funny cat movements, which a member of the unofficial society demonstrated for other attendees, thus birthing the area’s newest dance craze.
Others believe the “shuffle” is old as Lankville itself.
“I’ve been doing that dance for years,” said Ric Royer, the enigmatic business magnate who recently finished a disappointing third in the Lankville presidential race. “Only we didn’t call it the ‘Lankville Shuffle,’ and the key steps were in 6/4 time, not 4/3. Also, we did a little dip at the end, not that crazy swirl they’re ending it with now. What is that?” he added, exasperated. “It’s just a poor imitation of the ‘Pondicherry Slide,’” sneered Royer, rehearsing the moves while humming an enigmatic tune.
No matter where the dance came from, most agree it’s a hit; old or new, young and old, in, out, over, around: everybody do the Lankville Shuffle!
The Lankville Daily News Guide to Fall Fashion
By Hayley Brooke Caitlyn Reagan-Jones, Fashion Attache
It’s fall now, which qualifies as a Lankville holiday in my book. There is nothing more exciting than kicking off the season of cozy sweaters, flannels, bonfires and leaves. As the temperature drops, let’s take a look at the five fall fashion trends that I just can’t live without!
1. Felt Hats
The Pumpkin Fedora from Cabbages Boy.
Spotted on the runways of Maison Maison, Cabbages Boy and Christians La Crux, you would be mad as a hatter to not doff one of these giant felt hats this season! Summery styles like floppy hats, fedoras and straw-boaters get a seasonal upgrade with warmer materials like felt, wool, and Island panels. My pick: this oversized pumpkin fedora with rare Island turkey feathers from Cabbages Boy. The neutral colors and structured shape compliment nearly every fall look (except strong blues, watery oranges, lime greens and most pinks. $295, $310 for larger heads.
2. Blanket Scarves
Fashion over function is banished to the attic with this fall trend. Blanket scarves combine popular prints like plaid or Outlands checkerboard with warm wool to create the epic cold weather accessory. Added bonus: they are incredibly versatile and can be used as a waist or groin scarf, shoulder poncho or even an actual blanket at your next fall bonfire! My pick is the Blanket Scarf with Sheet and Pillow from Christians La Crux. With a velcro band along the collar– you can attach your pillow (included at additional price) for that quick, sudden nap or…ahem…intimate moment! The sheet even folds up– put it back in your pocket and go! $125, $150 for larger necks. Washable.
The Pyramid Sweater from Hermes Kenny.
3. The Pyramid Sweater
For many Lankvillians, fall means that yearly trip to see the Great Pyramids. And nothing says “a monumental structure with a square or triangular base and sloping sides that meet in a point at the top” than the Pyramid Sweater from Hermes Kenny. It’s the ultimate in “boyfriend sweaters” featuring what Hermes Kenny calls “The Three B’s”– “bulky, banded, and ribbed.” My pick is the “desert sand” color (pictured). $125, $175 for larger necks. Sizes- Medium to XL.
4. Tassel Accessories
According to the Lankville Daily News Gazette of Fashion (industry trade magazine only), tassel earrings have made an elephantine comeback this season after being spotted in the fall collections of Hams by Vitiello and Claudell de la Washington. The elegant but shocking tassel shape brings flare, drama, and slight fear to any outfit, but my personal take on the trend is an extremely chunky tassel necklace with additional erratic ultraviolet laser tassels attached to my belt loops. The jangling and the firing of intermittent tassel lasers is sure to turn heads all autumn long!
Sweaters with vehicles on them.
$45 each, $60 for “hippy” women.
5. Sweaters with Vehicles on Them
The latest craze out of the Lankville capital last month was sweaters with vehicles on them. Already, we’ve seen them in the fall collections of Underground Penny, DEBBIE! and Gourds by David (unfortunately, Gourds by David sweaters are exclusively for gourds). My pick: “On the Bus” by DEBBIE! (sweater has a bus on it). $175, $200 for larger heads.
Hopefully, my guide will you give you some ideas as we head into what experts are predicting will be a cold and often deadly autumn!
Hayley Brooke Caitlyn Reagan-Jones appears courtesy of The Lankville Daily News Gazette of Fashion. She maintains an online digital workstation, a community garden and an urban restoration organization.
Otis Nixon: 1955-2014
By Otho Ump
Infamous Lankville lurker and Daily News columnist Otis Nixon did not die on Wednesday as previously reported but actually died last year, sources are now confirming.
Nixon was allegedly walking through a field wearing a fake beard. Witnesses state that he tripped on the beard and broke his neck. His body was then blown into the forest and destroyed.
Otis Nixon died last year.
“We have discovered that that information is false,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive at the scene. “Otis actually died last year. He was simply blown into the woods and destroyed. That whole fake beard story was just a creation of the media. But all of this happened last year.”
The Nixon family confirmed the date.
“I was quoted as making comments but those were all from last year,” said Nixon’s wife Teri.
Relatives, friends and former lovers visited the Life Lessons Funeral Home of the Southern Lankville Peninsula, Inc., on Friday, October 16 of last year from 2pm to 4pm and 6pm to 8pm with a few guys showing up for the unrelated 2:00am session. Funeral Services were Saturday, October 17 of last year at 11:00am at the Great Christ Tube Church of the Southern Lankville Peninsula.
Otis Nixon: 1955-2015
By Otho Ump
Infamous lurker and Lankville Daily News columnist Otis Nixon has died. He was 59.
Otis Nixon is dead.
Nixon was allegedly walking through a field wearing a fake beard. Witnesses state that he tripped on the beard and broke his neck. His body was then blown into the forest and destroyed. No further information was available at press time.
“It’s a sad day for all of us,” said Daily News editor Marles Cundiff.
Nixon was previously reported dead a week ago today. He was then found alive the following day.
“This time, I think there’s no mistake,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive at the scene. “There are a lot of little bits in the forest that resemble Otis.”
Relatives, friends and former lovers are invited to visit at the Life Lessons Funeral Home of the Southern Lankville Peninsula, Inc., on Friday, October 23, from 2pm to 4pm, 6pm to 8pm and again at 2am if you’re up for it. Funeral Services will be held on Saturday, October 24, 11:00am at the Great Christ Tube Church of the Southern Lankville Peninsula.
Clown Hamburgers: Part II
By Brian Schropp
Yes, I know how many of you are anxiously awaiting the second installment of ‘Clown Hamburgers’. It’s a tale that would blow the minds of anyone with just the slightest interest in hamburgers, demonic psychic clowns, possessions, gun battles, giant grease fires, the deep metaphysical secrets of ‘Highway 71’, and so much more. The gut- wrenching horror of how I endured the ‘Six Foot Special’ (actually it was a double so it was more like a ‘Twelve Foot Special’) with extra bacon and cheese. How it looked, tasted, how it felt rumbling through me, the subsequent visions I had. Even in victory over the soul/artery-clogging special, the sickest most twisted man I have ever encountered, Mack Milford, going back on his word and not giving up the knowledge Scott needed to find Lizzie Starlight. What Scott’s sister did to get someone so sinister and just downright evil to get that information. The blowing up of the restaurant causing true Hell to be unleashed. An article truly of epic proportions, one that would, hands down, have been the finest piece of cuisine writing/journalism ever seen in the pages of the Daily News. But alas, something more pressing, something far greater has impacted me in the past few days, torn my mind into a thousand tiny pieces, making everything before seem like a jumbled mess on the cutting room floor of my mind. You have one man to ‘thank’ for all this my dear readers and that person is interim manager of the ‘Pizza A-Round’, Davis ‘Bud’ Huggins.
Davis ‘Bud’ Huggins
I’m just going to say this outright- does this man have any idea how a pizza place is run in Deep Northern Suburban Lankville? The answer is of course an astounding NO!! Sure, he may be a successful ‘no nonsense’ pizza manager from the Southern Plains Area, good for him. Did he ever think that maybe our area is a special somewhat unique place which might differ from the drab tastes of the Plains area where all they want are basic simple pizzas? The place which I hold dear in my heart is in a state of chaos. This is the pizza nadir, friends, the pizza nadir.
Fixtures of the establishment who made the place run like Charlie ‘The Nugget Guy’ and ‘Big’ James are now gone. Fired in fact because ‘we need people who can work all stations not just one item.” I will be the first admit that ‘Big’ James wasn’t the most hygienic employee nor the nacho cheese station in any shape for passing the simplest health code standards but if you don’t have a specialist in something how can you be giving the best product possible?
Chet Cameron, ‘the master of the prep line’– I was not his biggest fan yet I knew what he brought to the excellence of ‘The Round’. Huggins kept insulting Chet on his handling of toppings (especially the green peppers) which drove Chet to the breaking point. He got up in the interim manager’s face causing a fierce shouting match. ‘The Bud’ picked him up in a bear hug and threw poor Chet right out into the street telling him never to come back. I’m not a fan of Hank Cameron, who is Chet’s uncle and manager of ‘Foodville’, but if he has any sway or power in local Lankville politics he might call in some favors to have Mr. Huggins forcibly removed from our Suburban area- that would be great!!
Chet Cameron, one of the greats, now gone.
Some of the other mind numbing ideas, getting rid of hot menu items like ‘The Pizza Eggwich’ and ‘The Mid-Morning Snack Pizza’. Yes I know those were two of my own ideas-I don’t take it personally- OK, maybe slightly, I just can’t stand it when people don’t recognize genius. And this goofball is far from a genius. We had a ‘back to basics’ weekend where all we served was pepperoni, sausage and cheese pizza. Who the hell just wants that boring stuff? People around here want a little nacho cheese on top. Oh. what’s that? Right, we don’t have a nacho cheese specialist to put that on anymore!!! Sales were miserable and this guy had the nerve to continue to blame us!!! Oh I must not forget the fact that he has decided to move up our opening time to 10:30 instead of 8. Doesn’t this clod realize we make money off the ‘lonely high schoolers’ who want to stuff a pizza (maybe even a $19.95 Mid-Morning Snack Pizza) in their face before first period? The phones were ringing off the hook the past few mornings and he wouldn’t let us answer them!! Yet another money earning demographic for us, the confused older folks coming in looking for the dialysis center next door– we now have to treat them with ‘kindness and respect’. How can we get as much as possible out of them without adding a little threatening tone to our voice? All they want now is a glass of water.
And please don’t get me started on that huge green chair he brought in for Brock Belvedere’s mother which everyone keeps tripping over. It takes up so much space in the dining area!!
Now for the biggest insult to me– my once highly prestigious role of being in charge of the cleaning team with even my own ‘managerial sink’ now reduced to cleaning cracks in the front sidewalk with a toothbrush and walking up and down Fairland Rd (which is very DANGEROUS by the way) with a ‘pizza billboard’ around me. No matter how many people drive by insulting me or throwing things in my direction I must smile and wave (With ‘The Bud’ checking up on me and yelling at me if I have the slightest hint of a frown).
I could go on and on but now I am overwhelmed again just thinking about all this. I’m sitting in my basement apartment at home trying to get myself together with a tall glass of strawberry milk and a plate of breakfast sandwiches. How much longer my readers, how much more can I take of this? it’s almost been a week—
Otis Nixon: 1955-
By Otho Ump
Infamous Lankville lurker and Lankville Daily News columnist Otis Nixon is not dead as previously reported.
Otis Nixon is not dead.
Nixon, who was walking through a field when he was alleged to have been blown into the woods and destroyed, returned home today.
“Otis is fine and resting,” said his wife Teri. “He’s happy to be back.”
Relatives, friends and former lovers should no longer visit at the Life Lessons Funeral Home of the Southern Lankville Peninsula, Inc., on Friday, October 16, from 2pm to 4pm and 6pm to 8pm although the 2am if you’re up for it is still on the table. Funeral Services have been canceled for Saturday, October 17, 11:00am at the Great Christ Tube Church of the Southern Lankville Peninsula.
“No need for a funeral if the guy isn’t dead,” said Life Lessons director Eddie Berg, who seemed disappointed.
Nixon, a reformed lurker, is retired from 32 years service with the Grebov Brothers Telescope Company. He plans to resume his regular activities early next week.
Food Allergies a Barlow Foods Focus as it Offers Halloween Candy Chart
By Larry “God” Peters
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Voraciously gobbling up the wrong Halloween treat could be deadly for a child with severe food allergies. To make things clearer for allergen-conscious shoppers, Barlow Foods is changing how it merchandises its Halloween candy.
A sign in the seasonal candy aisle points shoppers to a large pie chart that the supermarket chain has put together with its candy vendors. It lists more than 16,000 types of Halloween candy and shows whether they contain ingredients associated with some of the most common food allergies – wheat, peanuts, chuck, eggs, dust, milk and soy – along with gluten. It also lists eight Barlow Foods brand “Fruit Morsels” that contain none of these allergens.
The chart is available online at http://www.barlowfoods.barlowcom or can be printed at the service desk in Barlow Foods stores with two pieces of identification and a deposit.
“Children will later become customers,” explained CEO John Barlow. “We will need them to be living.”
Barlow himself worked with his candy suppliers to verify allergens and check ingredient lists. The CEO then made the pie chart personally.
“I don’t trust pie charts to anyone else,” he noted. “We’ve already seen what can happen there.”
The move came after customers asked for assistance in choosing allergen-safe treats last Halloween.
Barlow stressed, however, that the motivation behind the chart was his own.
“I am in charge here,” he said. “I made the pie chart.”
Customers were already pleased with Barlow’s efforts.
“It made it a lot easier to avoid nougat,” said Eastern Flats resident Lee Tinsley. “I’m allergic to nougat.”
Tinsley was not observed to have any children with her.
The charts are now available at most Lankville-area Barlow Foods locations.
Otis Nixon: 1955-2015
By Otho Ump
Infamous Lankville lurker and recent Daily News columnist Otis Nixon has died. He was 59.
Nixon was walking in a field when he was suddenly blown into the woods and destroyed. He was, allegedly, not lurking.
Otis Nixon has died.
Nixon, who became reformed from lurking several years ago, was retired from the Grebov Brothers Telescope Company. He was a member of the Koala Bears and Walnuts Club and is survived by a wife (3 out of 10) and two children.
“Otis was a good man, I knew him,” said next-door neighbor Paul Quantrill, a prison guard. “He liked to edge his driveway. We commented on that.”
Nixon penned a piece on the perils of lurking two days ago. It was one of the Lankville Daily News’ most popular articles.
“I think it helped people,” said editor Marles Cundiff. “We’ll miss Otis.”
Relatives, friends and former lovers are invited to visit at the Life Lessons Funeral Home of the Southern Lankville Peninsula, Inc., on Friday, October 16, from 2pm to 4pm, 6pm to 8pm and again at 2am if you’re up for it. Funeral Services will be held on Saturday, October 17, 11:00am at the Great Christ Tube Church of the Southern Lankville Peninsula.
Couple Hits the Road to “Find Lankville”
By Brock Belvedere
Oh, to be young again, to be 20-something, to have dreams, to be freshly and lusciously in love, to be packing up and heading off into Lankville, on the road, in a large car, on the road trip of a lifetime.
Rachel Youngphones (images by Glenallen)
Meet Rachels Youngphones and Glenallen Glennhill. They met as roommates at the Home Dump building in the Partial Icy Regions. The Home Dump is an old industrial building that is now an artist’s haven — painters, musicians, theatre men, photographers, etc.
She’s 22, grew up on a farm in The Lankville Waving Alfalfa County, is a recent grad of Icy Regions State University in geographic informational science maps. She makes money as an airbrush artist at malls. He’s 24, from Lankville Capital, and a photographer who published a book about the Home Dump Building. “I didn’t go to school,” he says. “I’m pretty much a natural-born artist.”
When you are young and lusciously in love, creative and not burdened by words like resume, benefits and “responsibility”, you have freedom, and when you have freedom, and when you are in love and creative, you come up with fabulous ideas like they did — that is, you come up with “Two Hearts Across Lankville”.
Their digital workstation describes Two Hearts Across Lankville thusly: “…a travel journal documenting what it means to be peculiarly Lankvillian. But also a personal journey. A personal journey between Rachel and Glenallen, who are really in love.”
There is a long paragraph break. And then:
“In a tent.”
“We want to find the “only in Lankville Lankvillians,” Glennhill says. “People who are real Lankvillians, people of the earth. Like me and Rachel.”
Glenallen Glennhill (images by Glenallen)
They are bringing the aforementioned tent. They will sleep in national wooded areas, on farms, in yards or on couches, should anyone offer them. They are willing to accept a donated RV (2009 model or later).
Here is a list they sent me of other things they packed: a CB radio, two duffel bags of clothes, six Danny Madison Reckoner’s and a Danny Madison Weather Simulator, a case of organic tree bark juice, notebooks, a wireless keyboard so they can type on their Reckoners, a Lankville flag, four toothbrushes, 200 rolls of film, and a giant stuffed panda.
I followed up about the panda.
“We both like stuffed pandas,” Glennhill says. “I thought it would be funny to sometimes put the panda in the front seat, freak people out, you know. I’m a natural-born artist.”
I asked whether they might get sick of each other in the large car.
“That’s a good question,” Glennhill said. “We’ve basically been together every day since the day we fell deeply in love. I think we can be in the car. We’re really super positive. We’re both out on the same journey, you know.”
They see their trip as both a job and a duty.
“We really feel a lot of responsibility, and we like our role as storytellers, as natural-born historians preserving our own folk stories and finding ourselves and also finding Lankville,” Youngphones says.
“We are a creating our own story that stands as part of that, our own specific moral journey.”
Their first stop: the Semi-Grassy Plains.
Couple Invited to Cat-Lover’s Luncheon
By Buck Igloos
Whatever you do, don’t tell Katie Lynn and Ralph Waldo Rumpus there’s nothing exciting happening in Lankville on a Saturday afternoon. (Katie Lynn is a distant relation to Genevieve Rumpus, of “No More Fucking Around” fame and a recently named MacLankan “genius,” but no relation to the Ida Rumpus who reports for this paper.) The couple were recently invited to a specially organized “cat-lover’s luncheon” this Saturday at the swanky “Moon Room” in Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall).
The Rumpuses
Deejay Humphrey, back from a tour/recovery period in the Lankville Partial Icy Regions, has been engaged to provide sedate, tasteful musical accompaniment for the luncheon. He enjoys working with the cat-lovers, whom he describes as “a festive group. “They know what they want, they know how to have a good time without going overboard.” Most of all, he added, “they appreciate a solid beat, with some bass and random squealing and reverb. They get me. I like that.”
There will be a buffet of puffy pastries, sweetmeats, and noodles of some type.
The Rumpuses can’t wait. For years, they’ve cultivated an image of people who really, really love cats, caring for two themselves and always offering kindness (and kibble) to kitties around their neighborhood in Lower Lankville Heights. They knew of the infrequent and elaborately planned cat-lovers’ luncheons, but until now had not secured an invite. “I mean, who do you gotta blow, right?” laughed Katie Lynn Rumpus as she ran her hand up and down the back of a purring feline on her front stoop.
Cat (file photo)
Ralph Waldo Rumpus, meanwhile, admitted that his expectations for the luncheon are “pretty much off the charts.” With wild eyes and childlike exuberance, he listed the activities and conversational tidbits he anticipates at the gathering: “Of course we’ll exchange photos of our kitties,” he said. “I’ve been going through scrapbooks, and I’ve got a good selection that takes us through the kitten to adult stages.” There will be anecdotes, Rumpus added; perhaps even tales of the famous “Mittens,” a rarely seen calico cat with distinctive markings known to frequent the Woods.
A more formal element of the luncheon will be provided by Lankville veterinarian Marla Tibbs, who will offer advice (and answer questions) on nutrition and cat hygiene during dessert.
“Really, though, this will be about community,” said Rumpus. “A community of cat-lovers.”
It’s been a long wait, but for this area couple, the cat’s finally out of the bag.
Anniversary of Bumpkins Carried Off By Wind to be Commemorated
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
The one-year anniversary of the disappearance of a bumpkin family that were carried off by the wind in an Eastern Lankville trailer park will be commemorated by a scientific explanation of how wind carries off bumpkins and a sheet cake.
The bumpkin trailer
The event will take place at the Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall) on Saturday, October 17th. Science wunderkind Danny Madison and meteorologist Jack Quintz will be the featured speakers. Tickets are $15 (with 10% of proceeds going to charity).
On October 19th of last year, a family of seven bumpkins were taken away by a strong wind. Their fate has never been discerned.
“It will be a celebration of their lives,” said event organizer Lloyd Byas-Kirk. “We will always remember them.”
Where Have All the Pumpkins Gone? Lankville Facing Severe Pumpkin Shortage
Bernie Keebler
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Pumpkin crops are down 95% this year, credible pumpkin sources are reporting.
“The big cardboard pumpkin box at the pumpkin place was real low,” noted local pumpkin buyer Wayne Gross. “And then, there was really just one thin layer of pumpkins and then below that were these monstrous oblong gourds.”
Gross claimed he had to punch several people in the face, including women, and challenge another man in order to come away with a pumpkin.
“It was rough. It was war out there.”
Barlow Foods, owner of an estimated 95% of the canned pumpkin market in Lankville, believes it has enough canned pumpkin to make it through Thanksgiving, but the short harvest means it will be tight.
Gone are the pumpkins.
The bulk of Lankville’s pumpkin supply comes from the Sugary Plains, which suffered heavy rains, dump fires and rabbit gnawing throughout the summer.
“We’re very, very disappointed in the pumpkin farmers of the Lankville Sugary Plains,” noted CEO John Barlow. “We won’t have much reserve stock if any at all. We’re looking into alternative ideas for holiday pies.”
Presidential candidate and gourd expert Dr. David Hadbawnik has already stepped forward with several solutions involving gourds.
“People shouldn’t dismiss the gourd as a decorative fall item. It has always played second fiddle to the pumpkin, just because the pumpkin is big and round but the gourd can step in easily and fill the shoes of the pumpkin. Pumpkins don’t have shoes obviously but…you know what I mean.”
Hadbawnik became confused and had to look at several photos of pumpkins online before he became confident of his assertion.
Meanwhile, Lankvillians are encouraged to peacefully resolve their pumpkin problems.
“Pumpkin lots will be putting out signs notifying the public if they no longer have any pumpkins,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who was called to over 30 pumpkin lot incidents yesterday. “We ask that the public please respect these signs and move on to procuring other decorations for their porches.”
Meet the MacLankan “Geniuses” for 2015
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
Berenice Cradles, millennial preservationist-entrepreneur extraordinaire, was polishing a knob in an old bungalow in the Western Lankville Plains, which she’d purchased for $113.56 in a silent auction the week before. She was just asking her ex-husband and former business partner Josh Wilson-Shires if he could see his reflection in the shiny brass surface when the call came.
Dick LaHoyt, artist, popular columnist, and Lankville presidential candidate, was staring into the barrel of a Schlossberg 750 Royal shotgun, psyching himself up for a campaign speech he was about to give to a group of senior citizens at Eastern Hills Easier University, when his wife Tammy gave him the news.
Ashley Pfeiffers’ new boyfriend was “laying down some gnarlsty tracks” for his upcoming solo EP, One for the Blumpkins, when Ms. Pfeiffers excitedly rushed over from her Barlow Foods High Groceries cheerleading squad practice to tell him.
“I tried to stay swizzy,” said Ashley Pfeiffers’ new boyfriend. “But there’s no way to stay swizzy,” he added as Ms. Pfeiffers beamed proudly beside him.
Berenice Cradles: Some Kind of Genius
These three were among the dozen Lankvillians honored with a MacLankan “genius” award for 2015. The award – which is given after a rigorous but secretive selection process – comes with a $750,000 stipend and a lifetime supply of single-serve plastic utensils from Barlow Foods, which has sponsored the MacLankans since 1987.
“There are no restrictions on how they spend that money,” noted Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow. “Well, almost none,” he added, admitting there is a strict prohibition on the use of MacLankan funds for Vitiello Decorative Hams products. Since 1993, founder and CEO Chris Vitiello has sponsored the “Hammies,” a rival award, considerably less lucrative than the MacLankans.
“We want people to shake things up, feel free to take chances, think outside the box, stretch the limits of Wow,” Barlow said from his command-cave. “Like when I thought of unwrapped, single-serve utensil dispensers,” he said. “It takes a man freed from the confines of convention and the everyday rigmarole to come up with an idea like that. Now, you’ll have to excuse me,” he said. The sound of heavy machinery and small explosions then followed as he set the phone down without hanging up.
Ms. Cradles, already well known as a mover and shaker in what she calls “the Next Lankville,” has exciting plans for the unexpected windfall.
“Well, it’s sort of unexpected,” she said over a half-frap soy-chini at Emoti-Flan. “I mean, I planned to win a MacLankan before I turned thirty, and here I am with three years to spare,” laughed the winsome 27-year-old. Former husband Wilson-Shires nodded with a painful expression. “She did always say that,” he murmured feebly. The funds, said Cradles, will go towards an ambitious development project in the Southern Exotic Islands, where she has already turned her refurbishing eye, purchasing several tracts of wetlands and unincorporated swamp. “What do you think of when I say ‘Southern Exotic Islands?’” asked Ms. Cradles rhetorically, instantly answering: “Caramel Dragons, right?”
Dick La Hoyt
Cradles then outlined her plan to build a small preserve for the Dragons and surround it with mixed-use structures, sustainable lots, and communal living units. Jilted husband Wilson-Shires stared morosely as she ran through the details.
Mr. LaHoyt, whose presidential bid had been flagging amidst scandal and lack of real effort, vowed to pump some much-needed funds into his campaign. “But let’s face it,” he added, “I’m going to be buying a lot of shotgun shells and pizza with this money, and maybe some of that fancy liquor that comes in, like, a vial or whatever.” He thought for a moment. “Yeah. A lot of little bottles with fancy names and stuff.”
Ashley Pfeiffers’ new boyfriend allowed himself a slight, wry smile as he listened to the Barlow Foods Committee offer an assessment of his creative work: “The cassette tape Reductio ad My Johnson was both uplifting and disturbing, forcing the listener to stare into the abyss of the self while seizing on a strange sense of wonder.”
“I guess I’m sort of izzled by it all,” he admitted. “I want to thank the academy, or, whoever, for this.”
“I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,” added Ms. Pfeiffers.
Other winners of the MacLankan for 2015 include Sarah Samways for her impressionistic reports and consulting work; Brian Schropp for his essays on cuisine and persistent demeanor; and Genevieve Rumpus (no relation to the Ida Rumpus who reports for this paper) for her popular “No More Fucking Around” workshops, symposia, and related products and services.
Giant Hurricane to Destroy Most of Lankville
By Kimball J. Cranney
A giant hurricane is expected to wipe out most of Lankville, sources are confirming.
The hurricane will likely hit the Lankville beaches Monday morning. The afternoon and evening will be the peak time of mass destruction and death.
The Category 10 storm will be preceded by eldritch winds which will bounce between the Lankville mountains for some time before a sudden ejaculatory release over the prairies. The zephyr will cause enormous power failures, electricity shortages, underground explosions and vicious animal attacks which will likely result in the evacuation of several towns. Frustrated, angry people will cling to the earth but the conflagration will ultimately claim them. The hurricane will then finish off those remaining.
“It’s going to be a big one,” said Lankville Daily News weather correspondent Jack Quintz. “The weather event will first be evident by the giant blinking rings of fire that you may notice before going to bed Sunday night, your final night. You will awake to an orange, melancholy sky issuing forth torrents of detritus out of the east. You will wonder about this in the few moments before the pounding, merciless rain suddenly cascades from the sky like some sort of demonic goblin of the elements.”
Meteorologists predict that the hurricane will be followed by a series of massive heat sheets which will pound the Lankville bay regions causing unparalleled levels of water evaporation and ground swelling and making it difficult to remove shakes from machines.
“Of course, by then, there won’t be anyone left to make the shakes,” Quintz noted.
President Pondicherry has declared a Lankville State of Tension and has deployed several hundred armed guards to area malls. Certain malls have been opened as “places of refuge” for those killed by the hurricane.
The President himself is monitoring the situation.
New Presidential Poll Issued Today
Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville’s first national Presidential poll was issued this morning.
The Poll, designed in a joint effort by The Lankville Daily News, the Meulens-LaPoint Quotient Studios, and Samways and Fick: Consultants, is the first attempt to measure popular opinion for the 2016 race.
“We’re hoping it will give us a sense of who Lankville is seriously considering,” said Sarah Samways of Samways and Fick: Consultants, who was interviewed while watching a game show. “Right now, I think the public is sort of in the dark about who…”
Samways became distracted as the game show had proceeded to a “fast money” round. The interview was ended prematurely.
The poll will include prominent candidates such as President Pondicherry, Randy Pendleton, Amanda Jennifers, and Ric Royer but also lesser candidates such as David Hadbawnik, Dr. Nickelbee, and Sturdy Teddy.
Polling will end Thursday and results will be announced by The Lankville Daily News on Friday.
Participate in the poll by reading the information below:
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK