Archive
Meet the MacLankan “Geniuses” for 2015
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
Berenice Cradles, millennial preservationist-entrepreneur extraordinaire, was polishing a knob in an old bungalow in the Western Lankville Plains, which she’d purchased for $113.56 in a silent auction the week before. She was just asking her ex-husband and former business partner Josh Wilson-Shires if he could see his reflection in the shiny brass surface when the call came.
Dick LaHoyt, artist, popular columnist, and Lankville presidential candidate, was staring into the barrel of a Schlossberg 750 Royal shotgun, psyching himself up for a campaign speech he was about to give to a group of senior citizens at Eastern Hills Easier University, when his wife Tammy gave him the news.
Ashley Pfeiffers’ new boyfriend was “laying down some gnarlsty tracks” for his upcoming solo EP, One for the Blumpkins, when Ms. Pfeiffers excitedly rushed over from her Barlow Foods High Groceries cheerleading squad practice to tell him.
“I tried to stay swizzy,” said Ashley Pfeiffers’ new boyfriend. “But there’s no way to stay swizzy,” he added as Ms. Pfeiffers beamed proudly beside him.
Berenice Cradles: Some Kind of Genius
These three were among the dozen Lankvillians honored with a MacLankan “genius” award for 2015. The award – which is given after a rigorous but secretive selection process – comes with a $750,000 stipend and a lifetime supply of single-serve plastic utensils from Barlow Foods, which has sponsored the MacLankans since 1987.
“There are no restrictions on how they spend that money,” noted Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow. “Well, almost none,” he added, admitting there is a strict prohibition on the use of MacLankan funds for Vitiello Decorative Hams products. Since 1993, founder and CEO Chris Vitiello has sponsored the “Hammies,” a rival award, considerably less lucrative than the MacLankans.
“We want people to shake things up, feel free to take chances, think outside the box, stretch the limits of Wow,” Barlow said from his command-cave. “Like when I thought of unwrapped, single-serve utensil dispensers,” he said. “It takes a man freed from the confines of convention and the everyday rigmarole to come up with an idea like that. Now, you’ll have to excuse me,” he said. The sound of heavy machinery and small explosions then followed as he set the phone down without hanging up.
Ms. Cradles, already well known as a mover and shaker in what she calls “the Next Lankville,” has exciting plans for the unexpected windfall.
“Well, it’s sort of unexpected,” she said over a half-frap soy-chini at Emoti-Flan. “I mean, I planned to win a MacLankan before I turned thirty, and here I am with three years to spare,” laughed the winsome 27-year-old. Former husband Wilson-Shires nodded with a painful expression. “She did always say that,” he murmured feebly. The funds, said Cradles, will go towards an ambitious development project in the Southern Exotic Islands, where she has already turned her refurbishing eye, purchasing several tracts of wetlands and unincorporated swamp. “What do you think of when I say ‘Southern Exotic Islands?’” asked Ms. Cradles rhetorically, instantly answering: “Caramel Dragons, right?”
Dick La Hoyt
Cradles then outlined her plan to build a small preserve for the Dragons and surround it with mixed-use structures, sustainable lots, and communal living units. Jilted husband Wilson-Shires stared morosely as she ran through the details.
Mr. LaHoyt, whose presidential bid had been flagging amidst scandal and lack of real effort, vowed to pump some much-needed funds into his campaign. “But let’s face it,” he added, “I’m going to be buying a lot of shotgun shells and pizza with this money, and maybe some of that fancy liquor that comes in, like, a vial or whatever.” He thought for a moment. “Yeah. A lot of little bottles with fancy names and stuff.”
Ashley Pfeiffers’ new boyfriend allowed himself a slight, wry smile as he listened to the Barlow Foods Committee offer an assessment of his creative work: “The cassette tape Reductio ad My Johnson was both uplifting and disturbing, forcing the listener to stare into the abyss of the self while seizing on a strange sense of wonder.”
“I guess I’m sort of izzled by it all,” he admitted. “I want to thank the academy, or, whoever, for this.”
“I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,” added Ms. Pfeiffers.
Other winners of the MacLankan for 2015 include Sarah Samways for her impressionistic reports and consulting work; Brian Schropp for his essays on cuisine and persistent demeanor; and Genevieve Rumpus (no relation to the Ida Rumpus who reports for this paper) for her popular “No More Fucking Around” workshops, symposia, and related products and services.
Giant Hurricane to Destroy Most of Lankville
By Kimball J. Cranney
A giant hurricane is expected to wipe out most of Lankville, sources are confirming.
The hurricane will likely hit the Lankville beaches Monday morning. The afternoon and evening will be the peak time of mass destruction and death.
The Category 10 storm will be preceded by eldritch winds which will bounce between the Lankville mountains for some time before a sudden ejaculatory release over the prairies. The zephyr will cause enormous power failures, electricity shortages, underground explosions and vicious animal attacks which will likely result in the evacuation of several towns. Frustrated, angry people will cling to the earth but the conflagration will ultimately claim them. The hurricane will then finish off those remaining.
“It’s going to be a big one,” said Lankville Daily News weather correspondent Jack Quintz. “The weather event will first be evident by the giant blinking rings of fire that you may notice before going to bed Sunday night, your final night. You will awake to an orange, melancholy sky issuing forth torrents of detritus out of the east. You will wonder about this in the few moments before the pounding, merciless rain suddenly cascades from the sky like some sort of demonic goblin of the elements.”
Meteorologists predict that the hurricane will be followed by a series of massive heat sheets which will pound the Lankville bay regions causing unparalleled levels of water evaporation and ground swelling and making it difficult to remove shakes from machines.
“Of course, by then, there won’t be anyone left to make the shakes,” Quintz noted.
President Pondicherry has declared a Lankville State of Tension and has deployed several hundred armed guards to area malls. Certain malls have been opened as “places of refuge” for those killed by the hurricane.
The President himself is monitoring the situation.
BREAKING: Presidential Candidate “Sturdy Teddy” Has Been Shot
By Bernie Keebler
2016 Presidential hopeful Sturdy Teddy has been shot, sources are confirming.
The independent “Mountain Party” candidate was attending a dough butter breakfast rally this morning when shots rang out, witnesses are reporting.
Sturdy Teddy was whisked away by handlers and his whereabouts are currently unknown. The shooter has not been identified.
Mountain candidate Sturdy Teddy.
“We are investigating,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive at the scene. Someone appears to have accessed the gymnasium via a series of wide-open doors at the back. The individual appears to have been familiar with firearms. He had a lot of them. We’ve put some cones out.”
Gee-Temple pointed at two cones floating in a large puddle of blood.
“It all happened so fast,” said supporter Rod Ump of the Low Western Outlands. “We just hope Sturdy Teddy will recover. He was really starting to climb in the polls.”
Sturdy Teddy, 41 and unmarried, was placing 4th in a recent National Poll behind President Pondicherry of the Party of Moderation, David Hadbawnik of the Gourd Party, and Ric Royer of Hell.
“He was a man of few words,” said a supporter ominously. “But, clearly, that was speaking to the people of Lankville.”
The dough butter breakfast rally, a Mountain-area tradition, features dough and butter pressed between two flat sheets until golden-brown. The sheets are patterned to give the dough and butter its characteristic shape, size, and surface impression. The dough and butter breakfast can be traced to the Lankville Middle Ages when sheets typically depicted images of great Lankville Lords.
The traditional dough butter breakfast rally generally features large laminated folding tables with a 5/8″ thick, solid-core top coated with a scratch-resistant surface. Occasionally, economy tables are used which feature a plastic or polyethylene top. Regardless, both options feature fold-up dent resistant legs which make for easy cleanup.
Drink options include little “drink barrels” with a “peal-top”, popular in mountain areas. The drink barrels come in a variety of flavors including orange, blue, green and white.
“It was a nice event,” said Ump, who was helping to close the rear doors of the gymnasium. “Lot of food left. Lot of food.”
I Want to Tell You SO MUCH About How My New Boyfriend Bought Me Some Candy
OH MY GOD– I just HAVE to tell you about how my new boyfriend bought me some candy!
So, last night, my new boyfriend came to the house right at dusk. It was SO CUTE– he didn’t knock on the door but, instead, he threw some little driveway pebbles at my window. It was just like the olden days!
I opened the window and he was like, “Ash, there’s a cave fire nearby. Let’s go watch!”
WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.
We took a couple of blankets (it’s been getting chilly in the Deep Northern Suburbs lately) and watched the fire from a distant hill. There were like fifteen fire engines there and everything. In a way, it was really beautiful, even though I really, really felt sorry for that poor cave.
By Ashley Pfeiffers
After awhile, my new boyfriend started getting kind of restless. I was like, “what’s wrong?” and he kept saying, “nothing Ash, nothing. Just thinking about some stuff.”
Next thing I know, he pulls out a box of candy!
I JUST ABOUT DIED!
It had a red bow on top and everything. I started crying!
“These chocolates are, like, super exquisite Ash (he had already eaten a few) but none are as sweet as you,” he said.
My heart was beating a mile a minute! WE ARE SO IN LOVE.
“It’s too bad about that cave,” he said suddenly. I watched the faint crease lines appear on his forehead. “My peeps and I had some good idea sessions in there.”
“But anyway, let’s wolf some of these chocs, Ash.”
We ate a bunch of them and watched the firefighters. They were pulling something out with a chain.
“GOT A DEAD ONE HERE,” they said.
I started crying. My new boyfriend consoled me with some more chocolate. Then we kissed, sweet, chocolate kisses under the fading moonlight. He laid my head down on the blanket. That’s when he told me he loved me for the first time.
“GOOD LORD, GOT A BUNCH OF DEAD ONES IN HERE,” another firefighter called out.
He put his finger to my trembling lips. “Don’t think about that, Ash. Think about us. And the chocolates.”
I LOVE HIM SO.
By Brian Schropp
So there I was, dressed pretty as a picture in a pink dress with makeup on. Scott’s Grandmother was leading me around the trailers (in their traditional Eastern Lankville ‘F’ formation) to where Scott’s Dad (Daddy) was being held. My knees were shaking in the adorable white stockings with rose prints I was wearing. Supposedly these were the actual stockings Daddy’s sister had been buried in (exhumed to help me play the part of the dead woman. I could hear the rantings and ravings of Daddy before we even reached his trailer.
“I sure hope the loon tells you where that infernal birthday cake is,” Scott’s Grandmother was muttering while twirling around the gun she held on me not so long ago. “Sure looked like a damn fine cake.”
We were in front of the trailer door far sooner than I had hoped. I was shaking all over now, the screams were a mere trailer wall away. I’ve dealt with some loonies in my time (one is even running for President currently) but this one seemed on a whole new level.
Scott’s Grandma was making last minute adjustments to my makeup while trying to calm me down. “Now just go in there and try not to talk too much. Hopefully in his crazed state he won’t question your voice. Be direct as possible and just try to find out where Ma’s cake is. I’m hoping with just the shock of seeing ‘his sister’ he will blurt it out. Once you get that answer, you get out as quick as possible and lock the door behind you. We don’t need him running loose again.”
After a few deep breaths, Scott’s Grandma unlocked the door and slowly opened it.
Scott’s Dad (Daddy).
“Daddy-Daddy? We brought someone to talk to you. Just calm down, now. It’s your dead sister—.”
There was an eerie silence coming from the trailer, a complete contrast to the madness a few seconds ago. Grandma nodded her head and I slowly crept past her. “Now just be direct and find out about that cake.” With a slap on my butt she closed the door behind me.
Daddy was across the room in a corner by the window, his hands were tied behind his back and he was breathing heavily. The man’s eyes were red with tears which glistened off his cheeks but for the moment his face was the picture of calm. “Thelma? Is that really you?”
I smiled sweetly, giving a little wave.
“Talk to me girl. Why did you come back from the dead again? Why are you here?”
I giggled a little before speaking. “I was hopin’ you could tell me where that birthday cake might be hidin’. The family is sure pitchin’ a fit about it.”
His eyes narrowed. “It doesn’t sound like you Thelma.”
I had to think quick on my feet. “Well I’ve been dead for so long. Bein’ buried in the ground changes you.”
“Step out more in the light so I can see ya.”
I stepped out a little more and gave a quick twirl, giggling again. “See, just plain ol’ me!!”
“You’re still a beautiful sweet thing even after all this time.” He paused and nodded over to the corner opposite of him. “See that over there? That hot dog costume was your favorite thing to wear. Remember when we got it at ‘Sir Frank’s Medieval Hot Dog Park’? Now if that’s really you Thelma you will go on over there and put it on.”
I walked over, dusted off the costume and even though it was a few sizes too small I squeezed myself into it. My stunning cosmetic face popped out of the front. “See Daddy it’s really me.”
His face grew even calmer. For a few seconds I thought this kooky scheme might actually work. Then the rage quickly filled his eyes and spread to his face, finally causing his body to jerk up and tug madly at the bonds which held him. “YOU AIN’T MY SISTER!! YOU’RE JUST THAT DAMN FOOL BOY WHO WORKS WITH SCOTT!!”
With the rage of a thousand Dr. Nickelbee’s he rushed at me. And yes my life did flash before my eyes, I honestly thought this was the end. Sometimes it’s the simplest things that save you, this time it was a nail sticking just enough out of the floor. Daddy in his mad dash tripped right over it and with no hands to brace the fall he smacked the floor hard, knocking himself out.
Not sure what to do, I did my best making myself comfortable in the awkward suit until he woke up. Daddy wasn’t out for too long. He lifted his head up and with the look of a great philosophical master said to me, “You got part bumpkin in ya’, I can tell.”
I nodded my head. I could plainly see the madness was at least temporarily knocked out of him. Now if I didn’t have a heart I would just get the info on the cake and leave. But I knew Scott cared for his dad even if he didn’t really show it so if I could get to the root of the problem maybe I could help. “Why did you steal your wife’s birthday cake in the first place?”
The tears began to flow again. “That woman–that damn woman don’t deserve no cake. Nor do I deserve anything anymore. The way our son disgraced us, our family’s honor, the shame upon us. We will be laughed out of this hill before long, We were a family which was feared in these parts until—until…”
“The Floating Baby Pizza Cult,” I said softly.
“To be unknowingly involved in something so awful is disgrace enough but now my boy had to really screw it up!! He done gone and laid with that witch woman who was—-”
I couldn’t even say it for him, it was that awful.
Daddy jumped up yelling a roar only a member of Scott’s family could do. He hopped around howling before kicking a table of guns behind him. “SHE WAS BALD, THAT DAMN WITCH WOMAN WAS BALD!!”
So very true, Lizzie Starlight who turned out to be a High Priestess for the cult was completely and utterly bald (and I KNEW IT from the first day I saw her). It’s a very old code that stands in these hills of Eastern Lankville but still holds true even today. If a man unknowingly beds a woman who is bald it brings instant shame to that house which will never be forgiven.
Scott’s Mom with her birthday cake.
Daddy collapsed on the floor and rolled around with the unending pain. After a moment he looked at me. “Tell that damn family of mine I will just be crazy for a few more days, I feel it almost gone from me. Tell grandma to leave some water and an open can of ‘Lankville O’s’ inside the door. And if they really want to celebrate that woman’s birthday, well, then the cake is in the fourth rusted truck in the field.”
I left Daddy to his madness. Crossing the field in my hot dog suit and makeup, I reflected on how Daddy’s disappointment in his son almost reflected my own Dad’s dismay with me. Hopefully, if Scott survived his fight against the cult maybe this could bring us closer again.
Well, Scott’s Mom was over the moon when I brought the cake in. I was glad I could make her day and give this now damned family at least a little bit of enjoyment.
How would you, dear reader, imagine any festive occasion with Scott’s family turning out? Yes, of courses, it was soon a chaotic mess. Scott’s Mom decided she didn’t want to share any of her cake since it was missing for so long. The yelling and throwing of trailer items was soon replaced with guns drawn between Scott’s Mom, Scott’s Grandmother and Scott’s Sister. I quickly slipped out with ‘my outfit’ still on (the women had refused to give me back my clothes). The sun was setting fast over the hills and I somehow had to get home wearing this mess!!
Until next time dear readers, keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas.
Happy Eating!!-Bri
Lankville Talks Back
By Brock Belvedere
The Lankville Presidential Election is heating up. Incumbent Pondicherry is currently in the lead with Royer and Hadbawnik tied for second. Polls close on Thursday and the winner will be announced on Friday via this publication as well as through our sister pundit, The Boston Hassle. You’ve seen the attack ads, now let’s see what Lankvillians have to say about the candidates.
DAVID HADBAWNIK, GOURD
Sarah Samways
“I voted for David. Think he’s been running a strong campaign from the very beginning. He obviously has concerns about the environment. Nobody else has even mentioned the Lankvillian smog. He just seems like a regular guy you’d go and have Kombucha with at the local artisanal cheese shop. He’d make a fine President. Now, personally, I took issue with the fact that he helped to out my affair with Ashley Pfeiffers’ boyfriend but in hindsight, I’m glad he did. (He) was an absolute bore anyway. It just goes to show you, how uncompromised Hadbawnik’s ethics are – he can’t be bought, believe me I tried!” – Sarah Samways, Samways & Fick Consultants
ALBERT PONDICHERRY, MODERATION
“Great men should remain in positions of power for as long as possible. Change is overrated. Besides, Pondicherry is the only person to ever come down to my basement to browse my extensive vintage electronics collection. He even bought an old model Reckoner! He’s a man with great taste in polyester and has never once made me feel awkward about my sweat gland issue!” – Neil Cuppy, The Electronics Cranny
Neil Cuppy
“The Pizza-A-Round fully endorses Albert Pondicherry for President of Lankville. He supports local businesses, mostly the back of the house where there are good hiding places and a couple of random holes in the wall but nevertheless, he bought 72 pizzas for our little league team! Now, this is the off-season but he hand delivered every single one of those pies to each player’s home. Yes, it was 10:30 at night but his heart was in the right place – it always is.” – Pizza-A-Round
RANDY PENDLETON, LANKVILLE HERITAGE
“Goddamn motherlusting idiots! Pendleton is the only man for the job! He ain’t afraid to speak his mind. You got a problem with that, pal? Go back to whatever hut you were born in. Lankville needs to get back to its roots and become number one again. Pendleton is a guy who can roll with the punches and I like that, I like it a lot.” – Dick La Hoyt
AMANDA JENNIFERS, MORALITY
“I hereby declare myself as the most qualified candidate for President of Lankville. While the other candidates have their hands in jars of old money, mine are clean and ready for your examination. I don’t need to pay for endorsements; Lankville is ready for a new voice – a clear, well-educated, hard-working, voice that will stand up for them. Plus, I’m female and we all know what an asset that is in politics.” – Amanda Jennifers
RIC ROYER, HELL
Dr. Kevin Thurston
“Ric’s been a patient of mine for some time and I’ve gotta say, he’s made some tremendous strides. Just yesterday, while doing some breathing exercises, he purchased a Feelings Trigger-Sphere (basketball), and a carafe of stale ginger ale, which at a combined total of $39.99 is an absolute steal. I spoke with him softly, merely above a whisper, as he explained his horrible dreams for Lankville. Now, I’m not registered to vote, because I feel competition, in general, can harbor some of our more yucky feelings but I’m not opposed to you doing so, Brock. In fact, I have these nice, antique quill pens that you can fill out your ballot with for a limited time offer price of $27.85…” – Dr. Kevin Thurston, Men’s Feelings Expert
Ordeal of a Cosmonaut
Nick Del Rio
Runny shit from a lying fuckchop.
I notice immediately upon approaching the derelict quonset hut that the turf suddenly disappears and is replaced by a pale green substance resembling sand. When I step upon this strange substance however, a tremendous noise like a loud squeak issues forth and I pause, confused. It is then that I hear a desperate rustling inside the hut and the night seems to grow suddenly darker and ominous.
I feel something shoved into my back, with such force, in fact, that it is detectable through my spaces suit. Something is speaking a language incomprehensible to me and then I am thrown into the sand to the sound of that cursed high-pitched squeaking. It is then that I have my first look at The Being.
It is a grotesque blue-hued creature, likely eight feet tall and it is holding some sort of laser awkwardly in its hairy paw. Buckets of drool spurt out of its toothless, gaping hole of a mouth.
And then I am dragged to my feet by Dr. Ernwhitts himself.
“Are you the Frolix from Planet 21?” he asks.
I do not instantly respond. Instead, I stare at this shell of a man, filthy and nearly naked in a series of disgusting rags that are beyond description. He has put up his hand to keep The Being back and he stares at my various identifying suit patches but there seems to be no recognition, no acknowledgement of this very same costume that he once donned himself, with such honor.
“Are you the Frolix from Planet 21?” he asks again.
“Don’t you remember me, Dr. Ernwhitts?” It is all I can think to offer.
He continues staring at me and then suddenly away, at nothing. Then he speaks to The Being in its own savage language.
The Being advances.
“You should run,” he says. “He will eat your head right off.”
I stare one more time into the vapid eyes. And then I run towards the woods.
Political Round-Up with Zach Keebaugh
Zach Keebaugh
Investigative Reporter Zach Keebaugh had a chance to sit down with Presidential candidates Albert Pondicherry, Larry Pendleton, Ric Royer, Amanda Jennifers, Dr. Nickelbee, Stury Teddy and David Hadbawnik this morning in a hospital cafeteria.
ZK: Let’s start with you Pondicherry. Yo, what are you going to do different?
AP: Zach, we have beautiful shores in Lankville. We have the sky overhead. We have the sounds of people loving, kissing and retching and we have the laughter of children.
ZK: You want to jump in here Nickelbee?
President Pondicherry
DN(putting his hand on Keebaugh’s knee): Zach, the beautiful shores won’t be beautiful for much longer. That’s why the Green Sanity Union is the only party to back.
ZK: We haven’t heard from Larry Pendleton yet. Larry?
LP: We have a problem in this country. It’s called Islanders. Our current President…
ZK: WHOA…let’s keep the pudding on the table here Larry.
LP: I’ll make the Islanders pay for their deceit…
ZK: Let’s get off this fucking shit. Sturdy Teddy, you wanted to say something?
ST: No. Not really.
DN(butting in): It’s okay for all of us to feel, even Larry Pendleton. But we don’t want to feel without trust. We want to plow by our demons together as a whole country…
AJ: I’m going to build a wall around vice…
DN: …and as we plow through the hideous, ungodly demons…
RR: Did you bring any soda, Zach?
DN: …we will find ourselves face to face with ourselves…
LP: This is the kind of pseudo-intellectual tripe that the Pendleton campaign is against…
DN: …and YOUR HORRIBLENESS IS WHY EVERY DAY IN LANKVILLE IS A PERSONAL HELL FOR ME!
(Dr. Nickelbee got up and stormed out of the cafeteria).
Randy Pendleton
ZK: Damn, all. Let’s try to get a handle on this…
RR: Zach, are there any sodas through any of these doors?
ZK: Let’s try to get back to some of the issues. What about The Challenge Problem?
LP: Challenges are all perpetrated by Islanders.
DH: Zach, David Hadbawnik and the Gourd Party are…
PP: I’m not sure that’s entirely true Larry. The Bureau of Probes has data…
LP: The Bureau of Probes is an organization funded by taxpayer money. We all know that the Bureau does nothing but take lavish airplane trips and buy fancy calculators…
ZK: Yo, this fucking shit is going nowhere fast. Sturdy Teddy?
ST: No…no…nothing Zach.
ZK: David Hadbawnik?
DH: I was just saying that the Gourd Party is the only humane choice here.
ZK: Yo! Your running mate is a gourd, man.
DH: That’s not…
AJ: I’m going to build a wall around filth and pornography.
LP: Then you better build a wall around The Bureau of Probes.
RR: Can you get me my box of soda that you promised Zach?
ZK: Alright, time to wrap up the round-up. Any final words?
Everyone began talking loudly at once and the interviews were ended prematurely.
President Pondicherry on the State of Lankville
President Pondicherry
A LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS
Yesterday, I had occasion to visit a candy factory in the Southern Lankville Marshland Area. The factory was operated by strong, sturdy, lusty men of Lankville– the great men who forged a new path in factories and candy– who turned marshlands into slightly less wet marshlands through their own vitality, commitment to excellence and their grim bonds to the great soil.
There is a woman and a mountain person running for President for 2016. What a wonderful symbol of diversity this is! A sign of the lessening of the chains of inequality. Lankville, you should be proud.
Of course, neither will win. Women and mountain people are incompetent.
During this election season, I find it useful to take short trips to distant, abandoned places. I stand in cracked, weedy parking lots. Some of the parking lots have ancient, desiccated “FOR LEASE” signs in one far corner, nearly covered in brush. Of course, they are no longer for lease. They are forgotten by most.
But, I will not forget. Where others see a disgusting dog shit-covered macadam, I see opportunity. I see malls. I see highway ramps. I see more candy factories. I see more wonderfully big, muscle-strewn men. I see Lankville.
The national poll is out. If you haven’t already done so, please participate. The people of Lankville should remain informed, always and forever. By participating, you will also be entered into a contest to win a free sandwich. (Editor’s note: no such contest exists). We are a great, great people.
Vote for me.
God Bless You and God Bless Lankville,
President Pondicherry
New Presidential Poll Issued Today
Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville’s first national Presidential poll was issued this morning.
The Poll, designed in a joint effort by The Lankville Daily News, the Meulens-LaPoint Quotient Studios, and Samways and Fick: Consultants, is the first attempt to measure popular opinion for the 2016 race.
“We’re hoping it will give us a sense of who Lankville is seriously considering,” said Sarah Samways of Samways and Fick: Consultants, who was interviewed while watching a game show. “Right now, I think the public is sort of in the dark about who…”
Samways became distracted as the game show had proceeded to a “fast money” round. The interview was ended prematurely.
The poll will include prominent candidates such as President Pondicherry, Randy Pendleton, Amanda Jennifers, and Ric Royer but also lesser candidates such as David Hadbawnik, Dr. Nickelbee, and Sturdy Teddy.
Polling will end Thursday and results will be announced by The Lankville Daily News on Friday.
Participate in the poll by reading the information below:
Brock Belvedere’s Guide to the 2016 Presidential Race
By Brock Belvedere
How will Lankville vote? What are the issues? What do the candidates look like? What about the “funny candidates” who have no chance to win? As the fight to the 2016 presidential election heats up, here is my exclusive guide to who may be the next president of Lankville:
PRESIDENT PONDICHERRY
Lankville Party of Moderation
Pondicherry
Dr. Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr., son of two former Lankville Presidents, began his political career serving as governor of the Eastern Pines Area from 1999 to 2007, after narrowly missing winning that job in 1994. He is known for his moderate stances on Challenges and trash pickup and believes that the Lankville government should have no role in making weighty decisions.
Status: Declared. Pondicherry launched his campaign via a Presdential Address and a small late night reception at the Casa Montecriso (an elegant reception hall).
Age on Election Day: 54
Education: Eastern Easier University (Western Island Social Studies major)
Family: None
Birthplace: Eastern Pines Area
RANDY PENDLETON
Lankville Heritage Party
Pendleton
Randy Pendleton needs no introduction. He is one of the World’s Most Famous People, the owner of several tall buildings, a wildly-successful food chain and is a regular guest on television and radio programs. His political service is wide-ranging; he has served on the Bureau of Probes since 2012 and is an active member of the Koala Bears and Walnuts Club. He is a self-declared “heavyweight conservative”.
Status: Declared. Pendleton announced his candidacy in a tent.
Age on Election Day: 49
Education: Pendleton eschewed all traditional forms of education and instead “trained myself.”
Family: Five boys: Conor (15), Taylor (13), Bryce (11), Randy, Jr. (8) and Barlow (5). Wife, Peggy (5 out of 10), age 47.
Birthplace: Lankville Bluffs (Northern)
AMANDA JENNIFERS
Morality Party
A late candidate, Jennifers is chairman of the newly-founded “Morality Party”. She claims that she will “build a great wall around filth, intercourse, cussing and challenges” and has a plan to rid Lankville of “pornographic publications” and “pizza” and to “build more malls and highways”.
Jennifers
Status: Declared. Jennifers annouced her candidacy this morning after rocketing to fame following her attack on Lankville Daily News food columnist Brian Schropp.
Age on Election Day: 37
Education: Barlow Foods High School
Family: Four boys, one girl: Connor (12), Randy (9), Mason (6), Riley (3); Alexis (10); Husband Kent Jennifers, age 39.
Birthplace: Deep Northern Suburbs
RIC ROYER
Hell
Lankville business magnate Ric Royer announced his candidacy in July, listing his political affiliation only as “hell”.
Royer
Royer has long been one of Lankville’s most enigmatic characters– the founder of several extremely successful businesses including “Royer Automats”, “Worlds of Royer”, a toy company, and The Dollar Bush, a chain of discount stores. He has also spent long periods of time in the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness mental institution. “This should not be a problem for the voters,” Royer noted, in a short speech given at a hotel that was later destroyed by fire. “The decisions of great men are not made in giant palaces with columns. They can be made anywhere, even in a shed.”
Royer’s political viewpoints are unclear.
Status: Declared. Royer announced his candidacy on five different occasions while in the game room at Foontz-Flonnaise.
Age on Election Day: 38
Education: Greater Lankville Falls University (Theatrical Times major), Advanced Greater Lankville Falls University (Theatre and Animal History major).
Family: None
Birthplace: Lankville Falls
Rounding out the Ballot
David Hadbawnik (Gourd Party), Dr. Nickelbee (Green Sanity Union), Sturdy Teddy (Mountain Party)
Jennifers to Throw Hat in ’16 Ring: “Morality Candidate” to Challenge Pondicherry
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
Amanda Jennifers, who rose to fame yesterday as a “morality activist” has decided to throw her hat in the 2016 Presidential race ring.
Amanda Jennifers, Morality Party.
Jennifers, who was named leader of the newly-formed Morality Party, will challenge incumbent Pondicherry and world-famous citizen Randy Pendleton for the Presidency.
“I will build a great wall around filth,” said Jennifers, who announced her candidacy at the Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall) this morning. “A great wall around filth, intercourse, cussing and challenges. Are you ready for me Lankville?”
A small crowd politely clapped in response.
Jennifers, 37 (rated about an 8 of 10 by this reporter) has never held political office. She rose to prominence yesterday after attacking Lankville Daily News columnist Brian Schropp’s latest book Breakfast Sandwich Boy.
“Lankville needs to be shaken and wobbled,” said a supporter who refused to be identified and was later pushed off a cliff. “I think that Amanda is the one to do that– she speaks the truth.”
Current polls show Pendleton as the front-runner in the race, Pondicherry a close second and Jennifers a distant third.
“I’m in this for the long haul,” Jennifers noted. “Morality always wins. Always.”
Samways and Fick, Consultants: ORGANIZATIONAL DEVELOPMENT
Dr. Samways
In today’s increasingly challenging and competitive business environment, organizations must function more effectively and efficiently than ever before in World History to achieve their strategic goals. With that objective in mind, Samways and Fick, Consultants offers Consortium Enlargement Services® to help companies of all sizes plan, structure, set up posters, and manage those zipper envelopes that you put bank deposits in, in order to dramatically improve their chances for sustainable growth.
Initially, we work with the CEO (fat or thin- Samways and Fick does not discriminate) to gain an understanding of the organization’s past and recent business results, its organizational pyramid, staff performance and coming objectives, both near and long-term and even well into the distant future when there will be more robots. To expand on that knowledge base we conduct a multi-tiered S&F Audit™ (some chairs and tables may be carried away during this process) that involves asking a series of complex questions and presenting a series of word searches and pencil mazes to selected executives, supervisors, front-line employees and, just for kicks, some of the dummies at the bottom. With this audit information we prepare a multi-colored Powerpoint display with animated lasers that is designed to provide the CEO with organization-wide insights on goal calibration, resource allocation, telephones, and, most importantly, new business opportunities and possible land seizures to name a few.
Dr. Fick
With this organizational assessment completed, S&F then works with the CEO’s designated cohort to develop plans and interventions that will address processes, systems and structures that need to be created or improved (we will also bring out the Powerpoint display again). Our goal is to create extreme focus on the organization and to collaboratively develop a more integrated, efficient and effective operating system.
Samways and Fick: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.
Schropp Book Filth Says Local Activist
Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Some people don’t like Brian Schropp’s new bestseller Breakfast Sandwich Boy and they’re making their voices heard.
Self-proclaimed “morality activist” Amanda Jennifers says that the book is “filth” and should be banned from stores.
“The book contains bad language, sexual congress, bumpkins and pizza– all the things we are trying to teach our children to avoid,” said Jennifers, who gave a short speech before a small lectern this afternoon. “All of these things are decaying the moral threads of Lankville.”
“Kids are buying this filth, passing it around in locker rooms and by wooded areas and are becoming converted to this freewheeling pizza lifestyle,” Jennifers added.
Lankville University Press, Schropp’s publisher, issued a short statement.
Schropp’s new book causing a rumpus.
Breakfast Sandwich Boy is an honest depiction of an alternative lifestyle. We have no intention of censoring it.
The author, interviewed during a break from his shift at the Pizza A-Round, said he was saddened that some people were offended.
“I write from the heart, from a good place inside the heart, a place of brightness. I am lusciously sorry that anyone was offended,” said Schropp.
The 266-page collection, culled from stories originally published in The Lankville Daily News became a bestseller in its first week.
“It’s been on our “staff picks” shelf the whole time,” said Larry Pendleton’s Double Book Hut employee Larry Klacik, who was intoxicated. “Everyone always looks forward to a new book from Brian.”
Jennifers says she will take her argument all the way to President Pondicherry if necessary.
“This is a new moral movement in Lankville. We will prevail.”
I Want to Be Your Feelings Coach
Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
I am Dr. Kevin Thurston, the Men’s Coach.
Surprised? Don’t be. After all, they have coaches for things like basketball teams and female aerobics. Why not a Men’s Coach? A Men’s Destiny Coach? A Feelings Coach™? All of these things are possible– all that is needed is ME and YOU.
Right now, in a local gymnasium, Dr. Kevin Thurston is holding “The 1st Annual Men’s Feelings Coaching Caucus”. This will be your opportunity to have some eternal men’s questions answered for the first time in a setting of comfort, joy and tumbling mats. What does it mean to be a man?, How do I find other men to be in my life?, How can I tell my own personal life-story/write my own personal life-book? The 1st Annual Men’s Feelings Coaching Caucus will answer all these questions and more. It will be like drinking liquid inspiration from a firehose and there will be also be some 64-ounce dual-threaded water jugs for sale– for use for both the left and right-handed. $9.99, good deal. Nobody is excluded.
The Caucus will close with an after-party that you will never forget. I will coach you through the process of casting aside fear and learning to accept your brothers as we together experience an epic night of bonding, reframing, and light refreshments. You’ll be added to an exclusive blog site where you will remain in contact with Men for the rest of your life.
If you were to pay for extensive one-on-one feelings coaching programs with speakers and group leaders like Dr. Kevin Thurston, you would expect to pay thousands of dollars. If you were to spend your life trying to interpret your own feelings without a coach, you would spend much more and years, decades would pass by as you continued to search fruitlessly.
But at the Caucus you won’t spend tens of thousands. You won’t pay the $70,000 I’ve invested in myself to become a professional Feelings Coach™. You’ll pay only $795, plus any of the fabulous items you choose to buy that I have for sale and that I don’t intend on leaving with.
Sign-up for the Caucus today. Seats are limited but feelings are not.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK